I feel an emptiness in my life ever since giving birth. Should I feel guilty about this?

[livsmommy]

My daughter was born 2 months ago and I feel no difference in my life at all. Its really bizarre and difficult to describe. I expected that having a baby would change my outlook on life and my personality significantly, but it did not. How can such a big event leave me feeling so numb?

Now let me tell you a little bit about how I felt before having kids....Before having my baby girl, I always told myself that I don't want to be one of those mothers that changes after having a baby. What I mean by this is that I have noticed that many mothers let kids get in the way of their lives, and change their personalities for the worst. They forget about their friends, family, and spouses and it seems like many of these women forget how life was before kids and no longer know how to be themselves.
I dreaded having kids and turning into one of these women... I always told myself that if I ever have kids in the future, I'll remain the same woman with the same exact personality.....but now that I DO have a child, I feel incredibly horrible that I have NOT changed! Does this make any sense?

I love my daughter to death, but I feel detached from her. The situation is so surreal that I don't even know how to handle it. I still can't believe that I am a mother and don't know if the feeling will ever kick in.

Even though my life feels the same as it did before having a baby, I feel empty now. Has anyone else felt this way?
Every time I look at my daughter, its hard to believe she's even here. I just stare and stare and stare blankly as if I'm holding a stranger's child.
I DO love her and I do show her love, but it feels incredibly robotic. When I hold her and kiss her, I do it instinctually, not emotionally. Does that make sense? Its kind of like when I got my first puppy when I was a teenager. I loved that dog a lot, but the dog didn't change me as a person and it didn't really change my life. This, however, is a human child and I feel like I should be far more emotional. How pathetic is it that having a baby is comparable to having a dog? I feel disgusted with myself.

I keep beating myself up over this and have been feeling incredibly guilty and uneasy, but I just don't know what to do.


I wouldn't call myself depressed, so I don't know if this is the right forum, but I definitely am struggling and don't know why or if this is normal.

Help?

[MCatLvrMom2A&X]

I felt the same way after the birth of my dd. I did have some depression but most of it was anxiety and the feeling that I didnt love her like a mom should her child.

I wasnt able to have that feeling for a long time even with the meds I was taking I just felt so disconnected.

you are definitely not alone.

[ivymae]

It sounds to me like you haven't bonded with your baby, which could be a symptom of depression, but not necessarily. Some people fall in love with baby instantly, others need a while. 2 months is on the long side, so (if it were me) I would consider looking into some sort of counseling. For me, it would be to process how i was parented - maybe you need to talk through your expectations and hesitations about motherhood. Maybe changing your view of how women change (some of those changes can be positives, not negatives) would give you permission to make that leap.

also, newborns are not everyone's cup of tea. You may find that once baby starts being a little person instead of a lump of dough that you may suddenly look at them and say "Oh, there you are, I've been waiting for you!".

i did find this article, which has some good info about the importance of the bond, but also that it is really normal not to feel that love-at-first-sight thing we all expect:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/education...ir-babies.html

[corysmilk]

I agree, it sounds like you haven't bonded.
How are you feeding the baby? even if you are bottle feeding, skin to skin contact is important. not just for the baby, but for mom too. having a bath with baby, removing all her clothes except diaper, and taking off your shirt and just snuggling. it really helps.

I had a hard time bonding with my daughter, not the boys for some reason?? I had to work at it. I use to smell her little head, and close my eyes and just hold her.

Do you go to any mommy and me classes? it is nice to connect with other moms, many moms go throu an ajustment period. or a Le leche leage meeting? they are in the phone book.

its great that you can talk about it. even if your not sure what it is. I think being a mom is just, well, guilt ridden! I wish they had a book "how to handle guilt"
don't be so hard on yourself. its ok to have a lot of feelings after having a baby. there are PPd groups, maybe you could get in touch with them?

good luck
Elizabeth

[hollytheteacher]

How was your birth? I've heard that medicated births can sometimes leave women without the "cocktail of love" hormones that are supposed to flood your body after your baby is born. I know that I still had those hormones even though I ended up with an epi so i'm not sure i believe it 100%

Also are you breastfeeding? For me that was the most magical/special/bonding time and every time ds would nurse i would be FLOODED with love for him. Can you do more skin to skin? Do you cosleep? Have you/can you wear the aby?

[livsmommy]

Hi everyone. Thank you so much for responding. To be perfectly honest, I haven't bonded that much with my daughter, so maybe that's the issue. I'm a bit of a workaholic and went back to work 2 weeks after giving birth. I haven't really had the opportunity to spend as much time with her as I would like. I do breast feed occasionally, usually when she wakes up and is hungry in the middle of the night, but most of the time I pump milk and she is fed through a bottle.

I do need to bond with her more, but I am afraid my feelings may never change. Most women change the second they give birth and they instantly feel connected to their child. Why did I feel so emotionally detached when I gave birth? For those who asked, I did not have an epidural, but I was given some pain medication during labor.

I'm trying to find other ways to explain my situation, but its really difficult to explain and doesn't make much sense at all, even to me.

I'm just really really worried about the future because what if I'm just a bad mother? I fear that the situation will only get worse and my daughter and I will be awkward with one another when she is older, and I don't want that.

I'm going to try to spend all my free time with her, but I'm afraid that bonding is not enough. Why can't I be like all the normal mothers who feel a connection from the start? Its as if my life as a mother has no meaning.

I don't know what to do, and I don't want to go to a psychiatrist and start drugging myself. I'm looking for a natural solution, but I'm starting to feel like I'm hopeless and wasn't meant to be a mother...

[MeepyCat]

Oh Mama, you are not even close to hopeless.

Really, infants are *not* everyone's thing. Some people can, and do, bond instantly with newborns. Others don't. Your baby will get older. She won't always be this little skin bag of need, and there's nothing wrong with people who do not greet this stage with an instantaneous passionate response.

You sound very conflicted in these posts - you say you didn't want the baby to change things, but now that she's here and hasn't changed things, you're questioning whether the non-change makes you a bad parent.

I don't think your response makes you a bad parent at all. I think you should examine the possibility that you were a whole person with a strong sense of your priorities before the baby was born, and you remain that person now. It's possible that the guilt and ambivalence you're experiencing are about a desire to make some changes after all. If you do want to change, you have to think about how, which can be terrifying, but is ultimately a useful process.

I've had some struggles with PPD and I have opted for medication, but that is far from the only solution. I have also been helped a great deal by talk therapy, and if you're averse to medication, I still think that a psychologist or a clinical social worker could be extremely helpful.

My OB and my pediatrician have both been great resources for referrals and reassurance, so I generally suggest that you start your search there. In particular, my pediatrician has been wonderful in helping me to *see* the baby, if that makes any sense. It can sometimes be hard to notice the changes in yourself and your child, or recognize emerging behaviors and connections. A professional who isn't quite so in the thick of it can sometimes identify and comment in very useful ways. It was my pediatrician who first noticed that my DD *always* looks at me when I talk, that she'll even stop nursing to watch. Having someone notice something like that can make you understand your child and your parenting better, and feel better about it. (And really, it need not be a pediatrician, just in my case it is. Teachers, daycare workers, other people in the local new mom's group can be just as useful.)

[ameliabedelia]

I'm a bit of a workaholic and went back to work 2 weeks after giving birth. I haven't really had the opportunity to spend as much time with her as I would like. I do breast feed occasionally, usually when she wakes up and is hungry in the middle of the night, but most of the time I pump milk and she is fed through a bottle.

I do need to bond with her more, but I am afraid my feelings may never change. Most women change the second they give birth and they instantly feel connected to their child. Why did I feel so emotionally detached when I gave birth? For those who asked, I did not have an epidural, but I was given some pain medication during labor.

I'm trying to find other ways to explain my situation, but its really difficult to explain and doesn't make much sense at all, even to me.

I'm just really really worried about the future because what if I'm just a bad mother? I fear that the situation will only get worse and my daughter and I will be awkward with one another when she is older, and I don't want that.

I'm going to try to spend all my free time with her, but I'm afraid that bonding is not enough. Why can't I be like all the normal mothers who feel a connection from the start? Its as if my life as a mother has no meaning.

I don't know what to do, and I don't want to go to a psychiatrist and start drugging myself. I'm looking for a natural solution, but I'm starting to feel like I'm hopeless and wasn't meant to be a mother...

. It sounds to me as though you simply haven't bonded with your baby because you haven't had a chance to do so. Bonding takes time. You can't bond with someone (anyone, whether that person is your child or not) if you don't spend time with them. I think many moms don't bond instantly with thier babies, however, that bond develops overs time, because the mom spends lots and lots of time with the baby. Leaving a baby to return to work for long periods of time at only 2 weeks can definitely interfere with bonding.

If you want a natural soluation, really I think the best thing for you is to spend every moment that you possibly can in skin-to-skin contact with your baby. Hold her skin to skin (even if you aren't breastfeeding), use a sling and carry her skin to skin (assuming you live in the Northern Hemisphere, that should make it easier in summer). Sleep with her skin to skin (if you feel comfortable doing so). When she naps, just lie down next to her, curl up around her and read a book. Use a sling and take walks with her in the sling. Make a point of holding her while you read a book or watch TV or are on the computer. It sounds like she still latches on, which is great for breastfeeding, so breastfeeding more would also help as well.

[azgirl]

so...this may be the start of PPD or depression OR...you are just NORMAL Welcome to motherhood. I do think the guilt and worry predispose you to PPD and may contribute, but I am not sure that it has to. None of us know exactly how everyone else feels the moment their child is born. I had unusual circumstances, but I didn't feel immediately bonded. I stay at home and I enjoy almost every minute but I have no problem leaving my son for hours at a time or for the weekend (he is 2.5). I often wonder if there is something wrong with me. I have to remind myself that there isn't.

This book: http://www.amazon.com/This-Isnt-What...8426268&sr=8-1
is awesome. It is about about PPD but it talks so much about expectations, I have recovered from PPD, but I still read little parts of it often. I think that way you can be vigilant in case you do go on to develop PPD.

I have probably needed counseling my entire life, but I didn't start going until after my son was born. It is a huge change with a lot of expectations. Have you considered counseling? I did cognitive behavioral therapy, and I strongly recommend it. Turns out I was (I am recovering) a perfectionist. I tended to have rigid ideas about how things should be, how I should feel etc. Therapy has helped so much with that. It sounds like you had very rigid ideas about what you wanted your life to be like after baby was born.

The puppy thing. Well, having a baby can be a lot like getting a puppy. For me it was NOTHING like getting a dog. It was the end of the world, a catastrophe. I had severe PPD, I came unglued. I remember feeling like I would never have another interest, find new music that I liked, decorate another house, meet a new friend, figure out what to make for a single meal etc. I felt like my life was over. Now that I am recovered, well, having a kid IS like having a dog. We were really into our dogs and didn't leave them alone for long and had to arrange dog sitters when we went out of town, and took them with us out of town etc. But STILL, a baby does not have to turn your world upside down. The guilt that it should, might drive you insane, though.

And, I say this gently, maybe your guilt is more about you feeling like something needs to change. Actions are what is important. Is it possible you feel like you are working too much? Are there things you feel you would be doing differently if you were a madly-in-love mother? If so, can you take steps to do those things?

Go through the motions. Breastfeed every feeding that you are physically able to. Get baby down to her diaper and let her take naps on you topless every chance you get (the aforementioned skin-to-skin)

Stop beating yourself up. There is no one right way to be a mom. These forums definitely don't help a person feel adequate. I don't mind now that I have little more confidence in my parenting. It takes time to feel confident. Whenever I start to feel guilty I just ask myself if there is something I could do better. For me that meant adding a few more minutes of focused one-on-one attention to my son. Turns out he always toddled away after a minute or two, so he just wants to hang out with me while I did my thing. I was really starting to suffer from guilt, but the action settled my guilt. You sound like a motivated, action-oriented person. So, breastfeed more, kangaroo more (skin to skin) and try not to worry about how you feel. Feelings aren't always reliable, actions matter. Unless you are really feeling terrible (other than just thinking you should feel different) and then you could consider therapy and meds.

Can you get any time off work? I know that I had to "shut down" some of my feelings for my son because I had to leave him in the NICU...could you be afraid of getting to close to your baby because you had to/have to leave her and you don't want to feel torn?

Were you prone to self-doubt and anxiety before you had a baby? Did you love your life?

Please try to be easy on yourself. Consider meds if you continue feeling bad or feel worse. Please keep breastfeeding and pumping, I pumped too and always wanted to stop, I am so glad I didn't. The hormones make you feel better and help bond you to baby. Please keep us posted!

[Surfacing]

There's some great advice here on this thread.

You are not alone - I didn't feel an immediate love hormone cocktail bond with dd1 after her traumatic birth, but felt it right away with #2. It took a long time with dd1.

I may be barking up the wrong tree entirely, and forgive me if I'm wrong, but do you have a trauma history of any kind? That can make you sort of dissociative.

This will not last forever.

[jennybean0722]

I am/was one of those moms that took a while to bond. AND....I had him at a birth center with a midwife, nursed him for 1.5 years, and stayed home with him!

I thought it was horrible at the time, but it makes sense now. The first 6 months are just really hard for me. It did get better with my 2nd baby, but with number 1 it was crazy. I call it the "worm stage". They just extremely needy those first few months and desperately need your company and sustenance and assistance. For me, when they could sit up and play it was such a relief and a time when I could really enjoy being with them!

It seems like an eternity now, but it really does get better as they get older! DS1 is now 4 and such a ham ball.

Now, I did suffer with PPD with No. 1. If you don't feel better in a month...I would go see a family physician or internist.

HUGS -
Jenny