Tell the kids?

[VisionaryMom]

DH had a skin spot biopsied last week. We found out this morning that it's cancer. It's really early; the doctor said he has no concerns about any major complications. Should we even tell the kids?

Normally I'm all for complete honesty, but DS is a worrier. I mean he worries excessively about all kinds of things, and I'm afraid the word "cancer" will terrify him. Of course, as DH pointed out, he has to have surgery, so we have to say *something.* Would you tell them?

[Forthwith]

to you and your family.

I think it would depend on the age of the child(ren). That said, if your son is a worrier, it might be worse for him if all he knows is that daddy is having surgery. The vaguer the information you give him, the greater the possibilities for worrying, and the harder it will be to reassure him with concrete facts.

[VisionaryMom]

Yeah, that's true. DS is 5; DD is 3. DD won't really care that much one way or the other. Part of that is age, of course, but part's personality. DH himself said he thinks this is all "a big deal about something that's not that serious." DD is much like him. She'll make him a card and be done. DS, though,...no. He was worried last week about what would happen if the Earth rotated off its axis. And then there are earthquakes and hurricanes and the possibility that DH could lose his job (not a real possibility) and we wouldn't have enough to eat. This kid worries all the time about things that are real and some that aren't.

Our library has a children's book on skin cancer. I'm going to check it out and see what it has to say.

[LuckyMommaToo]

I wouldn't use the "c" word with your son. I'd say, "Oh, there's this weird spot on Daddy's skin that the doctor wants to take off. The doctor already said it's fine, but he just wants to get rid of it." Which is all true, yes?

Good luck getting through.
-e

[laohaire]

Originally Posted by LuckyMommaToo

I wouldn't use the "c" word with your son. I'd say, "Oh, there's this weird spot on Daddy's skin that the doctor wants to take off. The doctor already said it's fine, but he just wants to get rid of it." Which is all true, yes?

Good luck getting through.
-e

Yeah. "There is a spot on your Daddy's skin that the doctor wants to take off. Daddy will get anesthesia, which is a special medicine that makes it so your Daddy won't even feel it when they take it off."

If he asks why the doc wants to remove it, I'd just say "because it's a spot that could turn into a problem if we just left it alone. But the doc found it and can remove it so it will be fine."

I don't mind telling a kid it will be fine - chances are huge it will be just that (that's not a blowoff of what I'm sure is scary for you, just my assumption of what the situation is). I wouldn't consider it a lie or even an act of omission to not bring up all the possible things that are unlikely but could happen. I mean, that's different from promising his Daddy will live forever or to X age, you can't - but it's the same as saying "your daddy ran to the grocery store, he'll be back in half hour," which you feel fine saying without mentioning "unless he gets hit by a car or ... etc etc etc."

If it's more serious than that (I don't know), and DS asks a lot of questions, I might go with "we're going to have it removed and then we'll know more about whether it's all set or if the doctor will have to do another, similar surgery." I think that focusing on the next step (surgery now) and at the most the one after that (either nothing, all set - or more surgery) might contain all the what-ifs. Surgery and then MAYBE more surgery is a lot more manageable emotionally than just a lot of what-ifs that your son might dream up.

[MaerynPearl]

I would also avoid using the C word just now and just explain what is going on in the easiest-to-understand terms... When my mom went through breast cancer and then lung cancer... we told the kids she was sick and where and how they were treating her... but did not put the C word with it until she went into remission. By then, we were able to tell them Mammaw HAD cancer but is okay now!

Of course, as he gets older and your DH turns out to be totally okay, he does need to know that his father had cancer, if only for his own medical records... but for now its not so necessary to put a name to it other than just having some skin removed.

[newbymom05]

I wouldn't tell my kids b/c I don't think it'd serve any purpose. My DH also has some basal cells that have to be removed and I haven't told our 5 y/o anything about it, nor has he asked. DH had a chunk of his back cut out last week and I got a call today that another site has to be cut out. It never even crossed my mind to tell the children. I mean, if it were actual spreading cancer, of course I would, but basal cell carcinoma...I can't see it doing anything but causing extreme worry for the kids, although I guess I could use it as a reason for DS to wear sunblock. I don't think DS1 even asked when the surgery happened, he just saw Daddy come home with some gruesome looking stitches that Mommy has to clean.

My kid is a worrier too, which is why I've kept the worry to myself, y/k? I don't think a child needs to hear the explanations, unless of course your DH has to be hospitalized or something and you have to explain his absence. But I'm assuming it's like my DH--cut out at the doctor's office.

Hugs and best wishes for our DH's recoveries!