need some advice-separating, but living in the same house

[Evelynmia'smom]

Hi all...I need a little btdt advice regarding my situation. I have decided to divorce my h after many years of trying to make it work. I feel good about this decision, however, I really don't know where to go from here. We are very, very tight with money and can't afford to move into separate residences. I am also pregnant with our second child, so I would rather stay put until the baby is a few months old. So, we basically have a year left here. I have started moving my things into the guest bedroom and am going to operate under the mentality that we are divorced. I would like an amicable situation, however my h is pretty contemptuous towards me. We can't afford lawyers, so we will have to hire a mediator. I'm not sure if I should file for legal separation now? Should we get a mediator now and then just live here until our lease is up next June? Can you live in the same house and be divorced?? I am going to have to do all of the legwork because my h says he doesn't want a divorce. What can I do now?

[Halfasianmomma]

I'd really consult a lawyer if I were you, just to get a lay of the land and see what your rights and obligations are in your geographical area. Often, you can get an initial free consultation.

[meemee]

which state are you in.

many states have varying laws. some states insist you have to have a separate residence for a certain amount of time before you can even file.

how separate are you going to be? so are you guys going to live as room-mates? joint use of kitchen and living room but cooking own meals, doing own laundry.

with your stbx being so contemptuous it IS going to be really hard living together.

i did that. looking back i wish i had chosen to separate while pregnant. it was emotionally horrible for me to be 'single' in a relationship. ex was of no help and just came home to sleep.

[SoulCakes]

Oh, that sounds tough. I'm sorry you're in this position.

I think it's going to be hard living together, especially if he doesn't want a divorce. My ex and I tried to live together for a while after we split, and it was really upsetting for him. There was a lot of anger there, and it hurt our co-parenting relationship for a long time afterward. I didn't understand his anger at the time because I was so disengaged (I'd accepted and mourned the loss of the relationship for a long time before we actually split), but now that I'm remarried to someone I deeply love... I get it. If my husband wanted a divorce and I didn't, I would be furious/devastated/would probably go insane if he wanted to stay in the same house. It would be awful to have him and his total lack of desire for me in my face, my home, the one place I'm supposed to be able to get away from it all. You'll have to decide if the damage that living together can cause is worth the financial stress of living apart--and if you're about to have two children together, it may well not be.

Good luck.

[Evelynmia'smom]

I am meeting with a lawyer next week, so I will see what he says. We live in CT. It is basically going to be the same set up but I am going to be sleeping in the guest room. my h is not angry because he loves me so much and doesn't want to lose me...he doesn't want to be with me, he just doesn't want his kids to grow up without him. He has shown no interest in making changes or working on the marriage, he wants to dump all of the blame on me. He is emotionally abusive and financially controlling. I would love to move out now, I just don't know how that would work when the baby actually comes and how we would get out of our lease...I guess I could look into it. I am scared to do it on my own until the baby is a few months old.

[doubledutch]

do you have any family or friends you could stay with?

your kids won't grow up without him. he will still be their dad. it will just be different, and (considering the emotional abuse) probably better.

[Evelynmia'smom]

I don't really have anyone that I would be comfortable staying with. I think right now my options are to stay here until our lease is up next june and the new baby is about 7 months old...or to try to break our lease and move out now and start the divorce proceedings now. I guess I'll have to see how the next few months go and if he becomes unbearable to be around to make a change then.

[NolaRiordan]

It's very difficult to live together under those circumstances. I know it can be done and I hear that more and more people are in that situation either because they can't afford the divorce or because they can't sell their house. We had to stay together for 9 months during the divorce because he had threatened to go for full custody so I couldn't leave, and he refused to leave. It was a nightmare. I did everything I could to take the kids and be out of the house as much as possible. My X was increasingly hostile and difficult. I think you need to take this day by day and be prepared for plan B if things get tense.

[Pariah]

I can't imagine making that work. My ex and I had to live together for about two months after I said I wanted a divorce, and that was hell even with him out of town a lot for the job he had at the moment and I out of the house and staying with friends when I could with our son.

In my state, you can't live under the same roof for a year in order to file for divorce, and we were considered "seperated" as of the date I moved out. We had just signed a lease right before I said I wanted to leave, but...oh well. I had to leave ASAP, and ended up getting a room with a friend. I was in an abusive situation, so leaving as soon as I could may have been more urgent than in your situation...I don't really know since I'm not in your shoes, you know?

I am very, very fortunate that my move out worked out as well as it did...my friend who took me in didn't make me pay rent until I could, thank god because it took me nine months to find a job. I basically played mom to the house to make up for not contributing financially by doing laundry, cleaning, cooking, yard work, etc...which was my idea, by the way. My friend and the other roommate work full time, so all the extra help at home was a load off their shoulders, and I was just home all day playing with my son and doing job apps, so it wasn't a big deal for me to do.

[sparklefairy]

If at all possible, I would find a way to physically separate. It can really be worth a few sacrifices.

[Evelynmia'smom]

I'm so scared to move out pregnant and to have a newborn and toddler all by myself. I don't even know if we could afford that...and obviously I can't get a job right now. I am going to see what the lawyer says next week. If my h would have to support us then I would do it. This whole thing is so scary, but I have reached the point of no return. I don't know why it happened now, but I simply can not be married to this man anymore.

[SoulCakes]

I don't know what he's like, but would living with him like this be better or worse than being married to him? I think it's very likely, especially if you've been a stay-at-home mom, that he'll have to pay alimony on top of child support. Again, I don't know the details of your situation, but I think your plan of discussing this with a lawyer is a good one.

[Evelynmia'smom]

I'm thinking living with him is going to be probably the same as being married....maybe more lonely for me if that's even possible. I'm planning on just doing my own thing on saturdays and leaving evie with him and then letting him have sundays to himself...hopefully we can stay away from each other on the weekends. I don't really know where his head is at though...once it sinks in for him that this is really happening, he might make it impossible, or decide to make the move himself.