Health:
I suspect I have adrenal fatigue/exhaustion. I cannot afford to go to my doctor at the moment to test for it. I was diagnosed with hypoglycemia in Nov. 2005 and he warned me that if I didn't take care of myself, I could exhaust my adrenal glands and have more serious problems. I have been lying to myself that what I do is healthy. I do not exercise regularly. I do not eat well - mostly bread carbs and lots of ice cream/desserts. I do not like most fruit and cannot seem to get enough vegetables into a meal.
I have always fed the kids great but still probably not enough veggies. They are both fruit-a-holics, take it easy on bread and meat and get lots of yogurt/cheese for dairy intake. Well, I think they eat healthy. I always eat my desserts after they are in bed, so they don't see me eating junk.
Money:
I spend more when I feel poor. We are not well off but I know we can pay our bills on his salary. Really can't afford the extra 'stuff' that I usually end up buying (I can justify any purchase to myself). We just came back from a vacation in Florida to no money in the bank and he just got paid last Friday! How did we spend so much? I don't remember doing that. It was gas and food, some souvenirs that I put on the credit card. Where did it all go????? Unfortunately, this isn't the first time this has happened. We won't watch what we are spending closely and end up overdrawing. It happens about every 10 months or so, maybe.
Children:
Sometimes I want another soon, like we had planned but sometimes I don't. I am unsure of myself as a mother and really worried about adding more than I can handle. But I feel like I can handle more on a good day when I have energy, everyone's moods are stable, we play nicely, etc. Then on bad days, when everyone is grouchy, I feel like I can't handle anyone, especially not another child. I worry so much about parenting the two I have. I don't feel that I am consistent. If I feel that I am too harsh, then I relax the rules to the point where I am too lenient. I bounce from one parenting philosophy to another (within the AP realm). If I come up with a routine/schedule, I will follow it for a few days, maybe a week and then I feel restricted. I feel like I have no flexibility or spontaneity, so I rebel and veer off course. Then we have tantrums, mood swings, misbehavior, etc. I cannot see the forest for the trees, apparently. My husband and I are not on the same page at all, possibly not in the same book. I am always correcting his parenting. I try to get him to read the same things I read so we can discuss the ideas and come up with a unified plan but he just won't.
Marriage:
I find myself wishing I wasn't married sometimes. I never have sex, I never get couple time, I can't even have a conversation with him. Even in the car to and from Florida, it was a lot of me talking, getting no response, and talking some more. I love him but I don't seem to be in an equal relationship anymore. It's not even really a relationship at all. He doesn't help around the house. He mows the yard about once a month. He takes out the kitchen garbage once a week but I have to do bedrooms/bathroom and put a bag in the can. He refuses to do laundry or dishes or general cleaning because he "won't do it the way I do it and I'll get mad." You know, if the clothes are clean, folded and in the drawers, I don't really care how it's done! I want to scream at him to just DO something besides sit at the computer.
I am really lost. I think I have gotten my needs mixed up with my wants. Everything seems so negative, black hole, never-gonna-get-out right now. I cannot see the way out and I'm not sure if I want to. I really feel like turning my back and walking away from this life. But I'm afraid I would carry all my bad habits and insecurities with me. Where do I go from here? How did I get here?
I suspect I have adrenal fatigue/exhaustion. I cannot afford to go to my doctor at the moment to test for it. I was diagnosed with hypoglycemia in Nov. 2005 and he warned me that if I didn't take care of myself, I could exhaust my adrenal glands and have more serious problems. I have been lying to myself that what I do is healthy. I do not exercise regularly. I do not eat well - mostly bread carbs and lots of ice cream/desserts. I do not like most fruit and cannot seem to get enough vegetables into a meal.
I have always fed the kids great but still probably not enough veggies. They are both fruit-a-holics, take it easy on bread and meat and get lots of yogurt/cheese for dairy intake. Well, I think they eat healthy. I always eat my desserts after they are in bed, so they don't see me eating junk.
Money:
I spend more when I feel poor. We are not well off but I know we can pay our bills on his salary. Really can't afford the extra 'stuff' that I usually end up buying (I can justify any purchase to myself). We just came back from a vacation in Florida to no money in the bank and he just got paid last Friday! How did we spend so much? I don't remember doing that. It was gas and food, some souvenirs that I put on the credit card. Where did it all go????? Unfortunately, this isn't the first time this has happened. We won't watch what we are spending closely and end up overdrawing. It happens about every 10 months or so, maybe.
Children:
Sometimes I want another soon, like we had planned but sometimes I don't. I am unsure of myself as a mother and really worried about adding more than I can handle. But I feel like I can handle more on a good day when I have energy, everyone's moods are stable, we play nicely, etc. Then on bad days, when everyone is grouchy, I feel like I can't handle anyone, especially not another child. I worry so much about parenting the two I have. I don't feel that I am consistent. If I feel that I am too harsh, then I relax the rules to the point where I am too lenient. I bounce from one parenting philosophy to another (within the AP realm). If I come up with a routine/schedule, I will follow it for a few days, maybe a week and then I feel restricted. I feel like I have no flexibility or spontaneity, so I rebel and veer off course. Then we have tantrums, mood swings, misbehavior, etc. I cannot see the forest for the trees, apparently. My husband and I are not on the same page at all, possibly not in the same book. I am always correcting his parenting. I try to get him to read the same things I read so we can discuss the ideas and come up with a unified plan but he just won't.
Marriage:
I find myself wishing I wasn't married sometimes. I never have sex, I never get couple time, I can't even have a conversation with him. Even in the car to and from Florida, it was a lot of me talking, getting no response, and talking some more. I love him but I don't seem to be in an equal relationship anymore. It's not even really a relationship at all. He doesn't help around the house. He mows the yard about once a month. He takes out the kitchen garbage once a week but I have to do bedrooms/bathroom and put a bag in the can. He refuses to do laundry or dishes or general cleaning because he "won't do it the way I do it and I'll get mad." You know, if the clothes are clean, folded and in the drawers, I don't really care how it's done! I want to scream at him to just DO something besides sit at the computer.
I am really lost. I think I have gotten my needs mixed up with my wants. Everything seems so negative, black hole, never-gonna-get-out right now. I cannot see the way out and I'm not sure if I want to. I really feel like turning my back and walking away from this life. But I'm afraid I would carry all my bad habits and insecurities with me. Where do I go from here? How did I get here?
It is hard work. Self acceptance is what I wish for every mama.
