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Talk to me about loving your 2nd (3rd, 4th, 5th) child - Page 2

post #21 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by flitters View Post
I realized one of the things I'm struggling with here:

The first time I was pregnant I couldn't really imagine giving birth (understandably), but I could vividly imagine holding the newborn and nursing and loving it.

This time I can imagine giving birth but I can't easily imagine the after part with the baby.

WHY?

I *know* I will love it. I don't doubt that. But why can't I just imagine it like before?
Me TOO! Although I can't quite imagine giving birth again...yikes
post #22 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by welsh View Post
DS and I have got an intense relationship. It's quite like the one I had with my Mother. Such a deep connection. I'm the firstborn too.

My Grandmother, who was never very diplomatic, would tell anyone who'd listen that she saw God when my Dad was born...but not after the next 5 children!!
DDCC....I've had four children, we're expecting our fifth, and like a PP said, I love them all very differently. For me, my third child (but first neurotypical child) has been the most intense attachment. My most difficult attachment has been with our daughter, who joined us when she was 10 months old.

I think it's a personality thing, honestly. We bond more intensely with personalities that suit/reflect us in the ways we enjoy most, and less intensely with personalities that are challenging (unless you're someone drawn to challenging personalities, I guess ).

I also think it's important that you've noticed this generational trend of intense bonds with firstborns, and lesser bonds with laterborns. You should stay aware of it, and make sure to get proactive if you notice a similar trend in your family. I suspect that, like most of these rosy posts have stated, you will fall equally in love with your new daughter. But it's possible that you won't, and that your family's pattern will continue with your family. If that's the case, recognize the pattern and head out for some counseling. Often there are simple, hidden issues to discuss in therapy that might shed some light on why you (and your mother/grandmother) might have preferred their firstborn. Once you see it all laid out, it can be a lot easier to correct the "bad" pattern and replace it with a healthier family pattern.

We've all got issues, baggage, and patterns we've taken in/learned from our own families. Some of them are great, some are harmless, and some are damaging. If you think you're continuing a pattern you don't like, get some help in correcting it. I've been amazed at how good it's been, mostly in my marriage but also in parenting, to have a little help overcoming the negative baggage of mine (and dh's) families. No one's perfect.

Best of luck to you!
post #23 of 28
I'm starting to worry about the opposite happening. Last night I felt awful, just sick and awful and I just wanted to be left alone and able to rest, but DD wanted to play and love on me and be read to, and I was so short-tempered with her, and I started to worry about what it would be like when I was dealing with a needy newborn and feeling all those physical and emotional pp feelings, and having to deal with DD1's antics, as well. I'm afraid of hurting her feelings or just not liking her for a while. I'm sure it will pass pretty quickly as we all get our bearings, but I'm worried about it nonetheless. I see a lot of posts on MDC about being fed up with an older child after a new baby is born.
post #24 of 28
it really helps to hear the other mamas who share similar feelings right now.
thank you.

i also worry about a change in my (or dh's) patience or manner with ds when the new baby comes. that was actually the cause of my first big cry this pregnancy, about how i don't want to change how i am with ds, and how that might feel for him.

sigh.
post #25 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by RedOakMomma View Post
I think it's a personality thing, honestly. We bond more intensely with personalities that suit/reflect us in the ways we enjoy most, and less intensely with personalities that are challenging (unless you're someone drawn to challenging personalities, I guess ).

I also think it's important that you've noticed this generational trend of intense bonds with firstborns, and lesser bonds with laterborns. You should stay aware of it, and make sure to get proactive if you notice a similar trend in your family. I suspect that, like most of these rosy posts have stated, you will fall equally in love with your new daughter. But it's possible that you won't, and that your family's pattern will continue with your family. If that's the case, recognize the pattern and head out for some counseling. Often there are simple, hidden issues to discuss in therapy that might shed some light on why you (and your mother/grandmother) might have preferred their firstborn. Once you see it all laid out, it can be a lot easier to correct the "bad" pattern and replace it with a healthier family pattern.

We've all got issues, baggage, and patterns we've taken in/learned from our own families. Some of them are great, some are harmless, and some are damaging. If you think you're continuing a pattern you don't like, get some help in correcting it. I've been amazed at how good it's been, mostly in my marriage but also in parenting, to have a little help overcoming the negative baggage of mine (and dh's) families. No one's perfect.

Best of luck to you!
Just in reflection to these thoughts here... recently my counsellor and I were discussing something similar. We put this pressure on ourselves to have these certain kinds of relationships with our children that we don't put on ourselves to have with other people. All relationships ebb and flow. I agree that there's a personality aspect to things... but we're also human.

I fiercely love and worship my bright, spirited dd1. But we clash easily like oil and water. When we try to play together, often one of us ends up upset almost right away because our modus operandi just seem to hit each other on the wrong nerve. We talk and laugh about it, and try to re-focus on what we DO BOTH LIKE, and try to tell each other why we don't like the other thing. It's been so freeing to just admit it and still communicate love, acceptance and the desire to be close.

My dd2 and I are a natural, easy fit. We are all human.
post #26 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by Carlyle View Post
worried that it means I won't be as connected to my baby, etc.
Oh, sweetie. When one of your best friends growing up got married (remember how hubby was the photographer at her wedding?) anyway....her dad gave the most beautiful speech. It was all about how when they had their first child their hearts got so big and full from all of the love they had for her, and so when your friend came along, he felt worried, same as you do now. He felt that there just couldn't be enough love in the world to give the same amount to the next baby as he did to the first. That's when he found out that this isn't the way that love works: he found that when the new baby came along, that the love he had grew so that there was more than enough to love the new baby just as much as the old. I feel the same way: protective of Nell as my niece and my special darling. How could the next one be nearly as good?! There will be enough love for both, I know it. That little one will come out and our hearts will melt and he/she will be family, ADDING to our love, not taking away from our love for Nell. I know it. I love you sweetie!
post #27 of 28
Thank y'all for this thread. Goes along with what I've always heard. I'm so looking forward to adding another member to our family!!
post #28 of 28
(DDC crashing!)
Personally, I waited six years between my first and second children, which really gave me the opportunity to see the mistakes I'd made with my first and avoid making them again. Now I have a third daughter, and I feel like I've got the process streamlined. There is a sense of relief/ease with my 2nd and 3rd children, but my 1st remains the guinea pig!

As far as loving them all equally, I think with most parents it is probably secretly true that at times you feel more connected to a particular child, but the love is equal. I would do anything for any of my girls; I completely adore each of them, equally.
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