Oh the screaming!!!!

[enigo]

DS has always been a screamer. When I say screaming, I don't mean crying. He doesn't cry. I mean hysterical "someone is burning me with hot coals and peeling off my skin with a hot knife" screaming. You would think he would hurt his throat.
Normally, I am used to it. I just deal. Lately I just feel like I can't take it any more. I have always been most gentle with him, but when he screams like a loon I swear I want to knock him out. (It sets off such anger in me that I can't describe it).

He doesn't scream if he hurts himself, never. More of an emotional trigger. If his friend yells at him or he thinks he has been wronged in some way, he flippin' flips. Since he was a baby if someone took a toy...oh the horror! Lemme just say that if someone takes something from him and he screams, they drop it like it's on fire and run.

Anyway he just turned 4 last week. At 3 I thought he was going to kill me with the stress of never knowing when he was going to go off. He had been getting amazingly better and more reasonable since 3 1/2. I cannot even begin to describe it, it actually is making my heart beat faster just to type this. When he is freaking out, you cannot talk to him, he can't hear you anyway. Sometimes when you explain the situation to him, he says..."OK" and just stops . Other times there is no talking to him, nothing you can say will make the tragedy of whatever has occured better. I swear his head is going to spin around.

I am at a loss as to what to do anymore. I am so tired of the hysteria.
I don't want to use "screaming for no reason" since there is always a reason, just not a reason for quite such screaming.

[Mama_of_1]

It sounds to me that since others give when he starts screaming, maybe he's learned that it gets results so he keeps on... Can you ignore him during the fit and then when he's stopped, point out that since he was so loud and it hurt your ears that he will not get the thing that he was screaming for but the next time that if he uses a different voice that it would work better for him? This will probably set him off the first few times but maybe the reinforcement will work?

[mamazee]

Screaming and screaching are my triggers, too. I am generally pretty patient, but it's definitely more difficult to remain so when there is such loud noise.

I think I'd try to respond like I would with any tantrum. Name the emotion, empathize, let him know you're there, be there when he needs you. "You sound angry (frustrated, hurt, whatever). You wanted X. I wish you could have X too. Let me know when you're ready for a snuggle." And then wait for him to finish and give him cuddles. Generally with tantrums they do get better as kids get better with language and at naming emotions, just as you've found, and I don't personally think there's any way to get through them faster.

[enigo]

It didn't occur to me until recently that the screaming has worked for him his whole life. Even as a baby, as I mentioned, anyone would drop and run when he started for fear that someone would think they hurt the baby.

I personally will die before I give him what he wants when he freaks out. Especially if he is already screaming, what do I have to lose?
It isn't fake just screaming for noise, he sounds as if he is so distraught and in such horrible pain (he's not).

However I have throughout his life tried to just avoid the triggers, but they are everywhere. Sunblock is a big trigger. Hates it! Hates! I can't even say the word if he is in the room. Don't get me started on cutting his nails. It's never been done while he was awake. So now as I'm typing this it occurs to me that it is less about what he wants, and more about what he doesn't want. Leaving the neighbor's house is another huge one. He loves their girls and would stay all day if he could. I give him a couple warnings, "About 10 minutes and we have to go OK? Then "OK 5 more". Although I will say that he was able to keep it together today when we left. When he asked to go over there I said "I don't know if I want to if you are going to scream when we need to leave" He said "I promise, I won't scream"..and although he wasn't thrilled with leaving, he didn't scream. I was so happy!

We do talk about it once he can hear me, and it mostly bothers me when we are in a public place. People turn around like I am killing him. (I mean really, you would think he was being skinned)

If it is for something that he wants I always have him calm down and then ask me again nicely. I generally try to ignore him if we are at home or oputside, but if he does it indoors, I take him outside.

Yesterday's incident was so awe inspiring I just took him down by the canal to scream by the water until he was OK again. I'm sure plenty of people thought they should call the cops.

He is generally the most amazing kid in the world, he is just so hysterical when he gets upset there have been times I thought he might choke.

I always swore I'd never scream "Don't scream!" (Soooo ridiculous!) but I'm afraid I have been lately

[Quinalla]

It sounds like he really needs some kind of strong outlet for his emotions, have you tried offering him alternative ideas to screaming too, not in the heat of the moment, but when he is calm? Suggesting he state his feelings with words (you can help with that as another poster suggested), hitting a pillow, stomping his feet, etc. something that would not be a trigger for you but would allow him to express his feelings safely.

I think otherwise what you are doing is great, making sure you aren't "rewarding" his screaming, but not ignoring his feelings either. I would just try to think of alternative (he may have ideas too!) and discuss it with him. I know I won't tolerate screaming and my parents didn't either. For them, screaming like that was for emergencies only and they helped us find other ways to express strong emotions.

[enigo]

You know interestingly that is what I always think...my parents would have killed me for screaming like this! However I am trying so hard not to be my parents.

He does state his feelings, he just screams them. I usually go with the standard "I'm sorry, I can't understand you when you scream, what did you say?" It just takes a minute or so until he can calm down enough to tell me.

I just kind of sigh when it starts and hold my breath for a couple seconds with my eyes closed until I am calm enough to deal.
It used to bother me so much when he was a little younger because everyone was looking at me, I assumed because they thought I was killing him. It got so much easier when I realized that those people didn't matter, only DS matters, epecially in that moment. I do not look up at anyone else, I just concentrate on him. He has always been very intense.

When he was born, MIL was here and she would help by changing his diaper. He would shriek like she was killing him. I used to think "Man this woman had 7 kids, why can't she change his diaper without making him scream?" Now I'm sorry I doubted her.

Also until yesterday when we talked about him not screaming at the neighbor's house I had never thought to ask him not to do it ahead of time. (Duh!) This has worked the best so far. Even though it is only once. So simple. Although it probably would not work with sunblock.
He is white haired and fair skinned and we live in South Florida and are outside all the time.


He doesn't scream when he's playing or anything it is purely and anger/frustration issue. The other day he probably screamed his guts out for 20 minutes. WHen he was done though he was calm for the rest of the day.
Maybe it will just take time. If I still have any hair by then!

It's interesting to me that I have the same temperment as he does, but I am trying to be so calm and holding it all in when all I want to do is scream too. He has no idea I'm crazier than him

[hakeber]

Do you think maybe he might have some sensory issues? I don't mean to be rude or presumptious but what you describe to be his triggers and what you describe his reaction to be, sound a lot like what a student's mom described to me as the first signs she realized her son had aspergers.


Have you thought about having him evaluated?

Also you can get SPF clothing instead of using sunblock, which is what my friends do because their daughter has super sensitive skin. She wears a hat with a neck flap and this sort of wet suit like t-shirt in the sun.

[enigo]

I have occasionally thought "wow this can't be normal" but he hasn't been evaluated. I did look into aspergers at one time because a boy we know has it, but he seems to have the exact opposite issues as my son. This boy doesn't seem to be stimulated by situations or things whereas mine freaks. Again, it isn't every day, it just such a strong reaction when it happens my ears ring for a week.
He does wear rash guards in the sun, the problem is the face. He got Sunblock in his eye once. He doesn't like sunblock anywhere but I can cover everything else.

[laurata]

This might sound dumb, but can you get ear protection (like lawn maintenance guys sometimes wear) to muffle the noise? It could work as a visual cue for him to recognize that he is 1) hurting you and 2) not communicating effectively. It might also help you to cope with the trigger sound.

My son is mildly affected by autism disorder. He has sensory issues (sensory seeking most of the time, but not in all ways), and is very social, no problems with eye contact most of the time. We know another little boy on the spectrum who avoids eye contact and is hugely sensory avoidant. They are totally opposites in many ways, but both have language and social delays.

You can have sensory issues without having autism. This is a resource I've had recommended to me several times, but haven't checked out yet: http://www.sensoryplanet.com/home.php

[Tuesday]

My 7 year old son has been the same way since birth. He came into the world screaming. He's intense. He goes into hysterical angry screaming fits for absolutely anything. UGH!

We've had him assessed by multiple professionals and counselled too ... he doesn't have Asperger's or anything autism-related.

Remaining calm seems to be the best solution but the hardest thing to do, IMO.

Ear plugs are seriously a good idea. I 've developed a very painful condition called hyperacusis and when DS screams, it sends me into a horrible orbit of pain.

I've found remaining calm and also telling DS - I'm not talking to you when you're screaming at me. Perhaps that sounds harsh but it suddenly occurred to me a few years ago he was not screaming at school (where such behaviour was unacceptable). He can tone it down if he wants. Sometimes I need to sooth a bit and calm but ultimately he has to know he just can't SCREAM at me.

[enigo]

Thanks everyone for your tips. I'll check out the link now.
Yes I agree, the best way to deal with it seems to be to remain calm. *shiver* It's tough when DH is home, because he's not used to it and will start screaming back. He came out hysterical, I swear when he was first born it would make me nearly faint when he screamed during his first couple weeks.
Funny he's never done this if neither DH or I are around. (Well wait I guess one of us is always around.. scratch that) He does go to school on Fridays and I am not there for about 2 hours. He does great. They have witnessed very slight glimpses of maybe 1 minute regular kid fits, but he saves the best for me. To be fair, they are not trying to put sunblock on him or cut his nails. I wish I could video tape it.
He's been so awesome today, I feel guilty for smack talking him on MDC

ETA: Today we went tot he park with a couple of older boys that DS LOVES. DS just turned 4 last week and these boys are 6 and 8. I had already put sunblock on DS before we left home. When we arrived, they were having sunblock put on them. My son said "I like sunblock, it doesn't burn"
(He usually yells "it burns!")
So anyhoo I will find out tomorrow if this one instance has changed his mind about sunblock.