Totally hypothetical, of course... would you tell ex?

[StephandOwen]

Backstory.... ex doesn't have unsupervised visits (hasn't in years). DS and I live in Kentucky, ex lives in Michigan. I bring ds back to Michigan about 4-6 times per year for a weekend so ex can visit him. Ex barely sees him (maybe for 2 hours at a time 1 or 2 times each weekend). Sometimes he skips whole weekends and doesn't see ds at all. Between visits he doesn't contact us at all (last I heard from him was March, I haven't heard from him since). If he's going to see ds on this next visit then he would have to call me 3-5 days before the visit (which is July 9/10/11).

When/if he calls I need to restrict his potential visit on the 9th, which I feel okay with because he never takes the whole day to visit anyway (he can see ds anytime between 8am and 1pm but then we need to leave and take dp to the airport because he's going on a business trip). To "make up" for this I plan on offering him any time on Sunday (usually he is offered anytime Friday, anytime Saturday and Sunday before noon.... he usually takes 2 hours Friday, 2 hours Saturday and no time Sunday). Since dp is going out of town though I don't need to leave to go back to Kentucky on Sunday afternoon so we can stay later so he could possibly see ds anytime on Sunday.

So.... hypothetical begins here If you were in this situation and, hypothetically of course, decided to stay the whole week in Michigan to visit with your family..... would you tell your ex that you were staying all week and offer him additional time that week to spend with ds?

If you offer additional time to him and he doesn't take it then it looks GREAT for you in court (ex is currently blowing steam about taking you to court to get unsupervised visitation for half the summer and all winter and spring breaks).

If you offer additional time to him and he does take some of it you still look good in court (because you are willing to offer additional time when you can).

If you don't offer additional time to him it could come back and bite you in the butt if/when he finds out (very small town and very likely he or his family would run into us over the week). A judge could frown on you being in town for a week but not telling ex and offering additional time. This could bite you in the butt if a Judge decides you are deliberately keeping ds from ex.

However, any visitations will only be supervised by you (your dp wouldn't be able to be there, except for the friday morning one). This makes it more uncomfortable for you, if for no other reason than you have nobody to talk to while ex is spending time with ds (you try to stay away but still in view). All visits are in a public place so not too much worry of ex trying anything stupid.

[Learning_Mum]

I would offer him the additional time. Chances are he won't take it anyway. I'd just take a book, or see if one of your family members can come with you if he decides he wants the visit during the week.

Honestly though, having followed your story for a long time I'd be pretty surprised if he wanted the extra time.

[Ceinwen]

I would def. offer Steph, all things considered.

Just like I documented how my ex didn't want and/or take our kids on father's day, or how he returns them early each visit? It allllll looks good for me.

[Minxie]

I'd offer the extra time and bring a book.

[astra]

I'd offer him the extra time!!

[meemee]

honestly steph why are you asking this question?

knowing you and your back history you know offering is the best legal decision to do. plus i have seen you bend backwards so for you offering is the ethical decision for you too.

though truly what i am hoping is that perhaps he will bring owen's half (brother was it? cant remember) so the two of them siblings can bond. or would that be even more awkward?

[StephandOwen]

Originally Posted by meemee

though truly what i am hoping is that perhaps he will bring owen's half (brother was it? cant remember) so the two of them siblings can bond. or would that be even more awkward?

That would be nice for ds, but I'm not counting on it. The last time he saw his half brother was for a very short time in March (maybe an hour but then ex tried WALKING UP A SLIDE at the playground while holding the baby, he slipped and baby came within an inch of hitting his head on the metal part. The baby's mom promptly took the baby, packed him in the car and didn't come back- leaving ex to walk home ). The last time before that was October of last year. I think the baby is getting close to a year old by now. But ex won't take the baby on a visit with Owen alone (without the mom) because he knows he can't handle them both and keep them both safe. Before that slide incident happened Owen decided to hang upside down on some monkey bar thing. He FREAKED out because he couldn't get back up and was going to fall down on his head. He's hanging there screaming at the top of his lungs and ex freaked out because he was holding the baby and he's not a big multitasker so, apparently, he couldn't sling the baby over to his hip and have his other hand free to lift up ds. He ended up putting the baby down on one of those landing things that big play structure have (about 3 feet off the ground) to help ds. I know the baby's mom was LIVID at that because her baby could very well have rolled off that landing and fell 3 feet to the ground (he was rolling then).

I think the baby's mom works during the day and ex works afternoon/evening shifts so I doubt he'll see ds much anyway if he refuses to see ds at the same time he has his baby.

And I will say that I know the *right* thing to do in this situation is to tell him. But I've gotta be honest and say that sometimes I want to be able to spend time with my family without having to worry about him, ya know? When he does see ds he picks the most inconvenient time to do it. I'll offer him all day from 8am to 8pm and he'll choose like 11 to 1, but won't want to meet somewhere that has food (no restaurant or anything). So ds is forced to eat an early lunch or not eat lunch until 1:30 or whatever, both of which throws dinner off.

But knowing his past I doubt he'll see Owen much over that week. I just plan on telling him that if he wants to see Owen at all during that week he needs to tell me days/time/place by Sunday so that I'm not sitting around waiting for his phone call all week.

[violet_]

Ok, I guess I'm the only one, but honestly, I think you don't have to offer the time. This guy is ridiculous, and it's not like you need any more to back you up in court. You've gone above and beyond for a long time, and if you want an uninterrupted week with your family, I think that's fine. I'd offer him the weekend and leave it at that. Just consider the weekend to be his opportunity for visitation and the following week to be your visit with your family, where you don't have to worry about a last-minute change of plans or trying to schedule around an 11-1 commitment.

I know you're very likely to offer him the time anyway, and no one would fault you for that, but I'll just say here I don't think you need to if you don't want to.

[meemee]

aaaaah steph!!!! i get it.

but i think this is a 'dilema' you are going to face till O is 18.

knowing what little i know of you one thing that stands out to me is how much it matters for you to do the 'right' thing. whether it is O or someone or something else. i am sure if you hadnt told and went to spend time with your family, it would always be there at the back of your mind.

i think though you have come up with a very good strategy. he has to tell you by sunday. then you can have both. depending on his answer. but stick to it steph.

not that it is surprising but really it is sooo shocking how little clue he has about keeping children safe.

i am sooo sad to hear how little contact O has with his little brother - esp when he was sooo excited to go shopping and get him those gifts. however its a relief that you dont have to really socialise with the mom which could be awkward.

[StephandOwen]

Unfortunately O has pretty much forgotten about the baby. I have a link to a website that the baby's mom posts pictures on sometimes, and I show that to ds sometimes, but he really doesn't get it. To him, a brother is someone who shares your house and you see all the time. Not someone you see maybe once or twice a year, ya know? He was pretty pissed off when, at Christmastime, he went out and picked a gift for the baby (all by himself and he put a LOT of thought into it. He was super excited to give it to the baby and "teach him how to play with it"). We went up to Michigan for a visit right before Christmas but ex never showed up. We dd see ex's grandparents (the good ones who actually live in Tennessee but just happened to be in Michigan visiting at the same time) and ex's sister. DS gave the gift to ex's grandparents who said they would give it to the baby. We never heard another word about it. No phone call thanking ds, no picture of the baby playing with it, nothing I know the grandparents gave it to the baby, as they told me they did when they saw him that evening for dinner (and they are the ONLY part of that family I trust at all). No to mention he got that gift for the baby and ex did nothing for him. No gift. No card. No phone call or letter. Nothing. Sad when a 6 year old child has more kindness and manners than an adult.

I actually don't mind it when ex's wife comes along on visits. It's probably the best when the wife, baby, ex's sister and her 2 kids come. Ex's sister and sometimes ex's wife usually wander over to where I am and we chat for a little bit. Owen likes playing with ex's sisters 2 kids (his cousins) so that's cool for him too.

I will just be bringing my homework with me, assuming he even calls and wants visits. Hopefully I'll be able to get some done! LOL!