Yes, I've been too tired to sit and actually think about what to say here! But I am reading along and thinking of each of you and your babes.
afm- I've made it through the first week blur! Wahoo! There has been a lot of precessing and releasing and falling madly in love and rebalancing the family structure. I think we're getting into a really lovely feeling groove now. DP has been absolutely fabulous catering to my every need. I've been in bed nearly all week with a short visit outside a couple of times.
Recovering from a third degree tear is no fun...but I guess that's the trade off for giving birth to a nearly 10 pounder in 45 minutes! The hardest part though is that we all got a cold baby included- sneezing and coughing ouch!! You just don't realize how much you use your perineum for everything you do. Baby was having a really hard time breathing at night so we literally haven't slept through the night here at all, just naps here and there, taking turns watching the baby. Sounds terribly hard, but really, we're in very good spirits and loving (nearly) every moment of it.
I'm still trying to let go of some of the things that didn't go as I wished for the birth. I had talked to my midwives alot about my desire (need) for a calm quiet birth and very importantly hands off. But given that things happened so quickly, the midwife came in and then set up and it was really noisy and there were lots of rational questions and discussion about where things were and dp needing to get things and so on. The second attendant who I think is a dud midwife overall, arrived and rang the doorbell even though the door was left wide open for her. Really? You expect someone to come in and greet you?!! Come on!! It really broke up my focus and I never really got to go to 'labour land' the way I dreamed of. Rational thoughts are the worst thing to disrupt natural birth. Bad midwives!! Very Bad! Tisk tisk!
More importantly, the midwives both felt the need to be near me for the birth, which basically made dp have to get out of the way. I felt this was super selfish of the midwives and I wanted to kick them out of the room. I did not want them, I needed dp close by. I wanted that bond and closeness and I really regret missing out on that. Also, the midwife kept telling me to push and that I was doing great and she kept her fingers inside my vagina, without ever asking permission to put them there in the first place. I wanted to tell her to eff off so badly!! She seriously cramped my style :P But I think she was concerned about me tearing and delivering a big baby in the pool. She kept asking me to change positions. All I could think was 'really women, if you want to do this your way then get pregnant and do it your way!!'
Anyways, I think I only felt all of this because I've done this before, and I've delivered lots of babies before and I felt really great about the progress and had no doubt in my mind that things were going just perfectly and I felt her nervousness clouding my space. I almost wish we would have waited until after the birth to call her, but I wanted to know there would be someone there in case of dystocia and a bleed. I keep questioning if I would have had such a bad tear if I listened to myself instead of giving in to the midwives demand to push. I was doinggreat breathing the baby out. She was descending, I could feel the tissues stretching, it was painfree...and then I gave in to the pushing to get the midwife to shut up, and also because she put doubt in my mind like maybe I should push. And that is when I felt there was too much pressure and felt the tear. Women, listen to yourselves!!
Then they cut the cord really quickly knowing that I wanted a semi lotus birth. We had discussed it before hand and I had told them that I wanted the cord intact but that I trusted them to do active management if it became ''necessary''. Well I knew that with this midwife, that was her carte blanche to overide my desire.
As I said, I am still processing and working on letting go. Nothing major, just did not happen as I had hoped and desired. But the birth overall was fantastic. Mostly pain free which was surprising. It was very quick and not too intense. I didn't at all feel overwhelmed by the speed of things. And I am thrilled we got to birth at home in the pool and that dd1 was calm and loving and happy and that dd2 is a healthy baby (despite the cold).
Visitors were another thing altogether. For whatever reason, my mom called every hour on the half hour for 6 hours straight the next morning starting at 7:30. WTH was she thinking?!! I never answered the phone because we were all desperate for sleep, including dd1 who went to bed around 2am. My dad showed up at 10am and just came in. I love him and it worked out since we handed off dd1 while we got showered and gathered outselves and had a moment to connect as mama and papa to this new babe. But geez people!
I know I sound grumpy. I am not. Just letting it all hang out here because I can't really do it in real life.
My baby is adorable and I love her so much. It is the most beautiful thing in the world to me to see my older girl hugging and kissing her 'baby sister' and telling her of her own volition that she loooooves her. Melts my big squshy mam heart. And although we didn't much feel it during the birth, dp and I really feel closer and more in love after this week of bonding together as a family. We've all been nesting together an I am so bursting with love.
I hope everyone is doing well with the emotional rollercoaster that is postpartum. Happy healing vibes to you and may your processing and becoming a mother be a good to you, it's a powerful transition!!