If your ex husband chose to move far away from you and your children, how did you feel? - Page 2

[VocalMinority]

Originally Posted by MPJJJ

I am very... disapointed, and angry.

And you have every right. There's not much else anyone can tell you that will help, because he's going to do what he's going to do. But you are not the unreasonable one, or the one with impossible expectations, or confused priorities. He is. His kids are more important than classes or "a life" or whatever and he's crazy if he thinks he's going to be a true parent to them over the phone.

[violet_]

Originally Posted by MPJJJ

The job situation is precarious. He works for an employer who doesn't make good business decisions, and as a result his paychecks often bounce and he has not had insurance for the past year because his boss simply cannot afford to pay his part of the premiums, even though he has the money to buy new cars, campers, boats, ect. So my solution to that dilemma is that he go back on the road, as he used to be a trucker, and still has his CDL. He could have a regular route, his job would be secure, and he would still get to have his kids every weekend to every other weekend. His answer to that suggestion is that he wants to have a life, and would find it hard to finish his online college courses. Those answers, IMO, are not good enough to walk away from his children, and I am very stressed, worried, disapointed, and angry.

You may not like my thoughts here, but you are not his wife any more. You may not know all the details of his job situation, and even if you did, you don't get to make his career decisions. If his best semi-local option is to be on the road all the time, then it's reasonable for him to go someplace where he can have a life. This is not for you to decide, and it doesn't automatically make him a bad father.

That being said, 3-4 weeks a year sounds like pretty paltry visitation. Does he intend for it all to happen at once, like in the summer, or over a few visits? Can you help facilitate contact? Video calls may not be everything, but they are great at keeping everyone close. Worlds different than just using the phone.

If he is a good dad (I'm not saying he is or isn't), he may not yet realize how hard this will be for both him and his children. See if you can get him to commit to visits, calls, letters -- whatever contact he will.

[rightkindofme]

Uhm, and a rather important consideration--who is going to pay for these visits? That is a rather huge distance. Will he have the money to pay for air fare? Or is he going to expect you to do it?

[Marsupialmom]

Originally Posted by MPJJJ

The job situation is precarious. He works for an employer who doesn't make good business decisions, and as a result his paychecks often bounce and he has not had insurance for the past year because his boss simply cannot afford to pay his part of the premiums, even though he has the money to buy new cars, campers, boats, ect. So my solution to that dilemma is that he go back on the road, as he used to be a trucker, and still has his CDL. He could have a regular route, his job would be secure, and he would still get to have his kids every weekend to every other weekend. His answer to that suggestion is that he wants to have a life, and would find it hard to finish his online college courses. Those answers, IMO, are not good enough to walk away from his children, and I am very stressed, worried, disapointed, and angry.

My mom and her husband works for the railway. The transportation industry is scaling back. He might night be able to get that job back. Also, for long term livelihood school can be very important.

[momof4peppers]

I'm going to go out on a limb and wonder if you're not upset because his leaving will mean that YOU won't get a break from being a parent. Which I totally get, and is COMPLETELY understandable. (and keep in mind, I don't know what your KIDS' relationship is with their father - in my case, if this was our situation, my kids would be THRILLED after the initial adjustment period, unfortunately).

So what kind of support can you line up FOR YOURSELF? daycare/camps/afterschool care? One of the universities out here has an all-day Saturday or Sunday 'school' which is REALLY well done. And no, it's not having a parent. But it still gives YOU a break which allows you to be a better parent when you ARE with them KWIM?

Go back to your divorce agreement. If there's no child support or daycare allowance because you have 50/50 custody, well, if he's moving, seems to me you need to revisit that.

Sorry you're so upset. Hang in there honey.

[meemee]

oh MPJJJ i am soooo sorry.

your children will be losing regular contact with their father. no matter what the reason, they will all have to readjust to a new kind of relationship. and YOU are the person left behind to deal with the tears and sadness.

we as parents are we not essential to our children? can we be replaced or pulled away?

many mothers like the buddhist nun Pema Chordon have regretted that they should have stayed parents longer instead of following their calling.

next year I will be moving. to the next town over, half hour to one hour away (during bad traffic) and it bears heavy on my mind. i dont want to take either parent away from my dd. that is the very minimum that's required. i could go to any university. but i choose not to. however our visitation will have to change and i am not sure how it is all going to work out. it still concerns me that our dd gets as much as each parent as she wants and how life works out.

[MariesMama]

Do you feel that you could convince him not to move? There are financial issues that arise when a parent moves that far away from the custodial parent, especially in Michigan. You can have your child support re-figured to include childcare, which will probably go up since he won't be available to parent the children. Also, he will more than likely have to foot the bill for all visitation. Has he thought of how the visitations would work?