Another Day, Another Dilemma - Dying Grandparent

[VisionaryMom]

I just talked to my mother. My father is planning to stop his cancer treatments. They're not working.

I am scheduled to leave tomorrow morning to go visit my family, and I knew this might be the last time I would see my dad. We don't have much of a relationship. My parents were really young when I was born. He split for most of my childhood. I reconnected with him as an adult (23-24YO). Five years ago, he was diagnosed with colo-rectal cancer, and he's on the third bout of it now. He's been doing a chemo for 2 years.

He lives 700 miles from us. He's not married, and my only brother (only sibling with my dad) & his GF are expecting their 1st baby in October. My dad has no one near him. He has one sister who's 300 miles away and will help out when she can. She's a professor, so her schedule has *some* flexibility but obviously no vacation time or anything like that she could take. His other brother & his wife probably won't help tons. My grandparents aren't in physical shape to help.

I'm sitting here thinking about how awful I am for not having visited more but also knowing that he chose not to be part of my life. Still, should I go down to stay? DC are 3 and 5. I work from home and could do it from his house if I had to. He has 4 bedrooms, so space isn't an issue. The issues are 1) school for my kids; 2) time away from DH; 3) emotional trauma; 4) what I'd do with my kids all the time while we're there.

Would you go?

[gbailey]

I'm sorry about your dad but I do think only you know if you can go. What does your DH think and what is your heart and mind telling you to do? Is it possible to go for a visit to see him but not stay for a prolonged period of time.

Perhaps his insurance will pay for a nurse to help come care for him. You'll make the best decision for you.

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by gbailey

I'm sorry about your dad but I do think only you know if you can go. What does your DH think and what is your heart and mind telling you to do? Is it possible to go for a visit to see him but not stay for a prolonged period of time.

My DH is mostly staying out of it. I mean, he says that I should do whatever I want, but he doesn't say what he thinks I should do. DH & FIL are very close, and I think he's just not sure how to put himself in that place of not knowing his father really well. He says that he thinks I may regret it if I don't go because there's no "do over," but for me, it feels kind of like I'm getting to know someone just so he can die. I don't know if that makes sense, but that's my struggle.

I am only planning to be there for a week. DH, DC, & I have a 4-day trip planned for July 22-25, but that can be cancelled. I can go for short periods, though we have only 1 car right now, so it requires some finagling on DH's part. I don't know what will happen once school starts for DS, though. DH could work things so he can come home at 4, and maybe we could just get a neighborhood teen to watch DS for the hour or so we'd need someone.

Originally Posted by gbailey

Perhaps his insurance will pay for a nurse to help come care for him. You'll make the best decision for you.

He doesn't have insurance. That's one of the complications. He's done an IV drip chemo because it's cheaper, and he can go in for a few hours at a time and leave without being charged a room fee.

[gbailey]

Originally Posted by VisionaryMom

My DH is mostly staying out of it. I mean, he says that I should do whatever I want, but he doesn't say what he thinks I should do. DH & FIL are very close, and I think he's just not sure how to put himself in that place of not knowing his father really well. He says that he thinks I may regret it if I don't go because there's no "do over," but for me, it feels kind of like I'm getting to know someone just so he can die. I don't know if that makes sense, but that's my struggle.

I am only planning to be there for a week. DH, DC, & I have a 4-day trip planned for July 22-25, but that can be cancelled. I can go for short periods, though we have only 1 car right now, so it requires some finagling on DH's part. I don't know what will happen once school starts for DS, though. DH could work things so he can come home at 4, and maybe we could just get a neighborhood teen to watch DS for the hour or so we'd need someone.




He doesn't have insurance. That's one of the complications. He's done an IV drip chemo because it's cheaper, and he can go in for a few hours at a time and leave without being charged a room fee.

From your post it sounds like you want to be there in some capacity. I know it's easier said than done but instead of looking at it as an opportunity to get to know him just so he can die think about what joy it will likely bring him to spend some time with his daughter and what joy it might bring you.

If you can't do the entire week, what about a long weekend? I believe you should do what makes you feel the most comfortable.

[philomom]

Go for three or four days. Don't take the kids.

[COgirl19]

I would go at least for a few days/little while. I know you weren't close but I don't think anyone should face this alone.

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by COgirl19

I would go at least for a few days/little while. I know you weren't close but I don't think anyone should face this alone.

This is part of my thinking.

I should clarify, too, that I'm talking about end of life care here. The kids & I are visiting now, and we probably will visit my family again in 2-3 months. I don't know what will happen with my dad between now and then, but I'm trying to determine what to do when he gets so ill that he needs constant help. My dad is a charmer. He knows tons of people, but I'm not sure how many of them are going to provide any kind of real help when he's sick.

[Magali]

I'm not saying if you should go or not, but I wouldn't have wanted my Dad to go through his last weeks/months alone. It is a lot of work taking care of someone who is dying, and I would say take the kids, but it might be too much work for one person to take care of your dad and 2 little ones. I guess it depends on how much care he needs.

[meemee]

VM i have been the caregiver of a few people in my family and my ex's family too.

one of them was my xstepMIL with whom i never really got along.

one of them was my dad.

the thing is it doesnt matter if you 'know' them or not. the relationship you have with them as you help them die is completely different than what you had before. my dad and i were very close. however those last few weeks, we connected in a far deeper way than ever. a part of me didnt want him to go, another part of me wanted him to go to end the suffering.

i had the same level of connection with my xstepMIL. at one point she looked me straight in the eye and said she cant believe i am doing this for her. and she asked me why, and i told her i dont know why. all i knew was that i couldnt not do it.

there needs to be a manager. no matter how many friends you have someone needs to be in charge and organise the around the clock care. as they get worse it really becomes hard to have new people take care of him. each of them will have to retrain to know what he wants and its unfair for him. its better to have a few who will start now and take care of him till the end.

i knew a few friends who have taken care of dying parents. many who were not on good terms. yes it was hard. really hard. but they couldnt not do it.

so would he not get hospice coverage?

that is SOOOOO important - for both the patient and caregivers. they provide sooo much support.

one of the benefits of helping my xinlaws die was to involve my then 4-5 year old. it had a big impact on her and it helped her with her grief. she definitely had a better handle on grieving than her 46 year old father who had been involved with death directly for the first time at 38.

however if you do decide to do it, you WOULD need help. its the two year old that you would need help with.

however if hospice or any kind of medical help is not available - its going to be a LOT to do without help. and i cant imagine the medical world doing that to anyone who takes care of your father. i dont know how i could have handled without having hospice to answer my questions.

sorry mama that you have such a tough decision in front of you.

[Marsupialmom]

I would go because part of you wants to go.

When you get their look into churches, hospice groups, cancer support groups, et. Things to help your kids get out of the house and do things.

At 3 and 5 school really is not an issue. You can home school the 5 year old and get support from an establish homeschooling group. Even if there is a religious difference people can be very gracious and giving during this time.

Death can be scary but you can help your children though their grandpa's death by showing love to them. Yes, they are young and you want to protect them from the sadness but there are greater lessons of love and compassion that will be taught.

If he has no insurance look into social services. There are programs and the poor he gets the more he qualifies for.