Mom present at labor?

[BethMama]

I had always pictured having my mom with me while I gave birth to my children, and told her as much. She missed the birth of my first (lives out of state) and is determined to be here for this birth.

I feel as though my desires have changed since I had DS. I really just want it to be DH and I for labor/birth, then let others pile in and welcome the baby. She has already booked and paid for a hotel room for her, my dad, and the two kids that live at home (8 yrs and 4 yrs) for nearly two weeks around my due date.

They have made some big life decisions this year (early retirement, moving), and for most of my pregnancy she didn't have any clue how far along I was, and seemed to forget at points that I was even expecting. Fwiw, I don't necessarily agree with the big decisions that were made and how they affect their little ones, and I'm still fairly angry about it. My mom was the insisting party in all decisions, so the anger tends to go her way... My tendency is to confront when necessary, but she is the definition of passive aggressive and will just stay angry/hurt for years without resolving issues.

I just feel like our relationship has changed since my first pregnancy. However, telling her at this point that I realize I don't want her in for the birth feels like I would be putting a permanent wedge between us, and I'm not sure if it's worth it.

Also, she is dead set on this being a girl, thinks I will be devastated if it's a boy (I won't), and I feel as though if it is a boy, I will be dealing with pity instead of bliss as this little one arrives.

Blah, long, I know. Advice? What would you do?

[peainthepod]

The bottom line is your mom's desire to be at the birth is totally secondary to your own comfort. If you don't want her at the birth, she shouldn't be there, period. It's not even necessarily personal; for instance, I adore my MIL and want her to be there for the pushing stage and afterwards, but I'm asking her to watch my toddler while I labor because I prefer to be alone with DH and maybe the doula when I'm having my most intense contractions. Even if MIL were dead-set on being there the whole time, I wouldn't let her, and if it hurt her feelings, I'd be sad about it but it wouldn't change my decision. Because it's my birth.

For a woman to labor effectively, she has to feel safe. If your mom's presence would threaten that safe little labor bubble you want around yourself, then you owe it to yourself to keep her away. Imagine how much you'll be kicking yourself afterwards if your labor stalls or even stops because she's making you uncomfortable or intruding on your birth space. That's the kind of resentment that might never heal. It's just not necessary and really, birth is not a spectator sport. You have every right to decide who gets to be there--even if it hurts someone's feelings to be excluded. Your health and a smooth labor are way more important than her temporary disappointment at not getting to watch.

I'm sorry you're feeling so pressured at a time like this. It sounds like your relationship with your mom is already complicated and I'm sure you don't like the idea of telling her no. But if she chooses to react poorly to a totally reasonable expectation--that your private labor and birth be just that, private--then that's her problem and it's not your fault or responsibility. You're not responsible for how she handles your decision and you can't control what she'll do afterwards. Your biggest obligation is to protect yourself and your birth space, something you have every right to do.

[~Adorkable~]

Could not have said it better, I'm amazed at how many threads like this one pop up, who do these people think they are if they think for a second that anyones opinion besides you and possibly your parnters matter when it comes to your birth.

Think positive and talk to her sooner rather than later, she may understand more than you think. In the end protect your birth and headspace, you deserve that.

[lillymonster]

I just came back from an hour long lunch with my mom, and I have a horrible headache! I can't imagine her at my birth

I don't know where you are giving birth, but if it's a hospital, you could always say DH really wants to be there and they won't allow more than one extra person in the room.

I too think it would be best to be around people that make it easier to birth, and it there is any tension between you guys, it might be enough to prolong the birth and cause difficulty.

[fyrwmn]

do we have the same mother? my mom has made so many poor decisions in the past year or so that we actually removed our 2 children from her care for the one day a week we need it. i would actually rather a stranger care for my kids than her . due to her decisions as of late, i no longer trust her, and we won't even be callin her to let her know that this baby has been born when the time comes. i don't need her drama, especially at such a vulnerable time.

[MaerynPearl]

I loved having my mother at my first birth, she was my main support... and I wished she were at my second. This time, however... I just want it to be DH, the midwives and myself. Even if she lived nearby (we just moved halfway across the country) she would not invite herself to the birth... or even ask me if she could be there. I asked her with the first and again with the second (but she couldnt) but this time... its just us.

I would be offended if she assumed she could be there without me asking though. And especially upset if she made plans and spent money to come out with that assumption in mind.

I definitely say this is a situation you need to explain to her before the birth happens... you do not want stuck with this stress during that!

[BreakfastyMichele]

I'm torn here.

Your mom didn't make this decision on her own; she is trying to fulfill wishes you have expressed to her. The fact that you're just weeks away from this birth and haven't discussed it with her is troubling.

If she's made flight plans (i.e. paid for travel that will not be refunded,) I think you should come up with something really good for her to do while she visits.

If she's only booked a hotel and will be driving, I think you need to call her tomorrow morning and let her know that you do not want her at your birth. Yes, it's your birth, but you put these expectations in place, and you need her to know as soon as possible that your expectations have changed.

Tell her however it will be easiest for her to hear. Maybe "Mom, it may just be my hormones, but I've started feeling very strongly that I just want DH in the room when I give birth; instead, I'd like you to come out [whenever you want her to]?" Be kind, but be firm.

Whatever you do, don't act as if you're doing this for her benefit: to save her money or travel time. You need to be straight with her and maybe eat a little crow while you do it.

Regardless of how this happened, I'm sorry you're having to deal with this in your ninth month. I hope your mom takes the news well.

Good luck.

[FarrenSquare]

I have to agree with BreakfastyMichele. I hope that your mom can take the news well and still want to stick around and fulfill a new and helpful role.

My mom can be extreeeemely difficult, so I understand about not wanting her there. I've invited my mom attend our birth, but she is under strict guidelines and I've already made it clear that if I ask her to leave, she has to leave with no hard feelings from either end. Maybe setting up guidelines will help?

And obviously I don't have all the information, but it troubled me to hear that your mom is forgetting things like how far along you were or even that you were expecting... My mom is older, so this may be my own experience talking - but is this a memory problem? Sometimes when parents start making "bad decisions" and being forgetful about huge life changes, it is an early warning sign for alzheimers, which can strike at any age. Sorry if I'm completely off-base, I just wish sometimes that all families could catch it as soon as possible because it is such a sad sad experience.

[Earthy Mama]

My mother was with me for my first and second (kind of). With my first, I was only 20 and needed my mommy . For my second, it was an emergency c-section and while I was in surgery ALONE, she was right outside the door. Now, I just want this to be me and dp and the CNM.
She lives 2-3 hours away and wants me to call her in enough time to make it up. Which is fine. HOWEVER, I also have a 9 year old sister who is always with my mom-she doesn't leave her with her husband for some reason. This girl stresses me out and I cannot have her at my house postpartum! So, my mom's all offended that I don't want her (my sister) there. She also assumes she'll be with me during delivery. um, sorry.

[BethMama]

Thanks for all your feedback, ladies. A big part of the problem is that dh and I truly can't remember if we formally extended an invitation for her to be present this time. I think because we wanted her there last time, it was assumed this time would be the same. I know when we first found out about this baby, she planned to come for as long as it took, and we were okay with that- before all the decisions were made that changed my feelings. But in the midst of those decisions, she was implying that if she made it, she made it, and if not, okay. She has a 5 hour drive and two small kids, so I think we all just assumed she wouldn't make it for the delivery, and would meet the baby shortly after. I guess I kind of got used to that idea during those months, and now really want that.

However, making the decision to ask her not to be present wouldn't just irk her, it would truly hurt her, and our relationship, and it may not be something that she just gets over in time. I know it's our call, and I know it's not unreasonable to want it to be private. But I also know that last time I kicked everyone out until I was basically at the pushing stage, including dh. I just needed to be alone, and when people talked to me, it brought me back to the surface, so they just let me labor by myself (I was at a birthing center w/a mw). If that's the case again, she'd only be in the room for the actual birth.

I also don't want to discount that having her there during such an intimate moment could be an incredibly healing event for us. I won't bank on that being the case, but I don't want to be closed off to the idea either.

I think my biggest hesitation in having her there is that if I have a boy, I think she'd be disappointed, or disappointed for me. I don't want to feel pitied for something I don't believe deserves pity! I would love to have a daughter, but it won't be the end of my world if I have another son- it will be a beautiful blessing to have two boys!

Ick. I know I do bear responsibility for not having talked to her about this sooner, but until a week ago, we didn't think she was actually coming for the birth.

For now, after talking with family who knows her as well as I do, I am planning to have her in for the birth. I have also decided to keep our issues separate. I would love another boy, and if she feels bad about that, then that issue belongs to her, and not to me or my son. I refuse to let my joy be diminished just because hers may be.

I think in the long run, having her in the room for an hour or two of pushing (or less, God willing!) would be better than dealing with the potential lifelong repercussions of telling her she's not welcome there.

[BreakfastyMichele]

I'm glad you've worked through this. Consider completing the process, though, and have a heart-to-heart with her about what you expect of her during the birth. If you kick people out, she needs to respect that (she is no exception!)

You also should mention to her on the phone or via email that you expect nothing but excitement when the baby is born. If you have a son, he will be her grandson, and she'd better welcome him with open arms.

I wish you luck with your mom and with the birth.

[JFTB1177]

I just read your thread about your mom and your issue with her being at the birth and her feelings about the baby possibly being another boy, etc.

First, the birth- you have every right to not have your mom in the room (or at the birth) with you! With my first son, I delivered at a hospital (ended up with a C-section eventually) and my mom, sister, and SIL were all there while I was in labor. It was okay but I knew next time I wouldn't want anyone but DH, especially since with my 2nd I was having a VBAC (at home) and knew I would need to be by myself and I didn't want anything to mess up my labor! We told everyone we would be delivering alone (with a MW and doula) and they accepted it. I am SOOOOO glad it was just DH and I! In a way it makes me a tiny bit sad my mom wasn't there but she would have definitely gotten on my nerves. And also, it was a very special moment for DH and I because it was just us!

About HER issues with you having another boy... those are HER issues, not yours! My MIL was disappointed both times that we had a boy, but you know what? SO WHAT! I let her gender disappointment almost ruin my pregnancy and in the end it was pointless, because I fell SO deeply in love with both of my little guys. And let me tell you, two boys is even better than one!! The brotherly bond is so beautiful and my two guys adore each other. Sure I would love to experience a daughter this time, but if it's another boy then it will be 3x the fun!!! And I have to say, we make pretty gorgeous boys! Let your mom know NOW how you feel, and that you won't put up with anything less than joy and excitement over the birth of your sweet new son (if you do end up having a boy). Show no tolerance!

This is YOUR birth, and YOUR baby. ALL babies should be celebrated!

[BethMama]

Michele- thanks, I have talked with her several times (and dh plans to again when the moment arrives) about letting me labor alone, and I spoke with her least week about being joyous regardless of gender, no "pity looks". She responded predictably, "It doesn't matter what you have!", but me, my sister, and my six brothers grew up hearing all the time about how she wanted five girls (and no boys was the implication...). She was hurt badly by men when growing up, and I think deep down she feels it is safer (and therefore better) to have girls. Anywho... thanks for your advice!

JFTB- I think as I talk to people and think out loud it really is the gender thing that's bothering me. My mom is really great about being hands off in situations like labor, and I know she won't bother me while I'm actually laboring, it's just the reaction to the baby that is still niggling in the back of my head. Thanks for your reassurance about having multiple boys! I've actually spent way more time fantasizing about DS having a brother than having a sister. We'll see!