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[Katie T]

When DD was 4 or 5 yo (she can't remember) she was sexually assaulted by her second cousin. I have since the age of about 3yo talked with her about how no one should touch her body and that she can always tell mommy if something happens to her.

It was Thanksgiving of '08. We were decorating the house and the Christmas tree and she started crying and told me that she had something to tell me but she worried I wouldn't believe her. She told me about what had happened. I fell apart, I was scared, and mad! I called my mom at work and through sobbing told her what DD1 had told me. She told me to call the police so I did. We had to go to a specialty place a hour away and they found it to be true. Then the perpetrator had to come to the police department and he ended up admitting to what DD1 accused him of.

We tried one councilor (DD insisted it be a female and there was only one taking new patients within a 45 minute distance from us) She never clicked with the woman and didn't like going. I gave her the option to stop.

Then I found a councilor who is a woman who home schooled her 6 children and I had a meeting today ( a hour away) to see what I thought of her. It was great really. I got to tell her what is going on in DD life, what issues we are having that I think stem from the abuse and so on. I think dd will really like her.

One issue that is the hardest (of course next to the violation of my poor little girl) is that Dh family has always been really close. (It was his cousin who did this). The grandpa, the perpetrators parents think we should have kept our mouths shut and that we ruined this young boys life. Our kids and mainly DD1 don't understand why we can't go to family functions. Same with the rest of the family who don't know about it. The grandpa is now dying of cancer and we aren't welcome there and the few times we have stopped by he won't talk to us. To those who don't know about it we are just not showing up and for one thing we did show up for (the boy wasn't going to be there) we were asked to leave so he could come. Like we have to change everything so the kids that did this can live a "normal" life. DD notices all of this and I have to make up excuses because I don't want her to think we are being treated anymore crappy than we already are.

I did call and tell Dh brother who is the only one with a little kid about what happened because I don't want this to happen to anyone else. Dh said that wasn't my place. That is wasn't our business to say anything to anyone. I don't care, it happened to my daughter and I now have the right to protect other little girls.

So the grandpa is going to die and we won't have ever gotten over this. We are pretty much booted from the family. I am sick of people thinking this is all our fault, I am sad, depressed, cry at the drop of a hat. I just want my life back to how it was before someone took my little girls innocents.

I have hidden my feeling and not talked about it and it is all coming to the surface. I tried to be strong for DD.

I am sure non of this makes sense and I am sorry, I am typing away bawling. I don't know what I need, just to get it out, how to live through this, how to help DD...

I have certain people that I meet and my radar goes off to not trust them. It never happened with this boy. He was a good kid, family and I trusted him.

I don't know, thanks for listening.

I pray this never happens to another baby/toddler/child/teen/adult ever again!!!

[nola79]

Aww, mama I'm so sorry that happened to your poor little girl! Me, personally, I probably would tell the whole family and blow it wide open, but I'm a bit hotheaded. I don't think you were out of place at all to tell your BIL. I agree, small children need to be protected. It's a shame the grandpa blames you. As you know, none of this is yours or dds fault. Stay strong, and many many

[blumooned]

I have no experience with anything like what you're going through - but, I couldn't read & not offer a . It is your family (not the abuser's) that should be catered to, imo! Or at least, just treated normally!! I'm so sorry your family is treating you this way.

Maybe you could write your dying grandpa a letter - maybe he would read it, maybe not - but at least he would see that you care.

I'm glad you told your BIL about the abuse, for the sake of his child. I think I would want to know if there was someone in the family like that, especially with young children!

I hope it helped you a little just to get this out - that's what MDC is for!! I also hope your daughter is able to get some good counseling & feel better.

[windsorheightsmom]

Is your husband in denial about how serious this incident was? I cannot believe that he told you it wasn't "your place" to warn the parent of a small child about a sexual abuser in the family. Maybe you and he would benefit from seeing a counselor, because it could drive a wedge in your marriage if he consciously or unconsciously wishes you and your daughter hadn't spoken up about the abuse.

As for the grandfather's reaction, it is sad, but not too surprising for that generation. For all we know, abuse happened to someone in his generation, and he absorbed the family ethic that you keep your mouth shut.

Is it known whether the second cousin who abused your daughter was himself abused? Usually that kind of behavior doesn't materialize out of thin air.

I am sorry that you are having to navigate this painful situation.

I think your husband should write a letter to the dying grandfather--not to win an argument, just to say that you all love him and are keeping him in your thoughts.

[Katie T]

Thanks everyone.
I know that the cousin's mom was abused but we have no knowledge of abuse with him.

I don't know if my husband is in denial, I argued my point with him when he made the comment I think he was just scared. He said after words that he saw my point but it hurt that he would even make that comment. I do think he needs a counselor but he won't go. At the time we learned about what had happened he was more worried about how the family would respond and that has faded but he is still too scared to "get it out there". He is glad that she spoke out about it, he doesn't think she should have to live with it bottled up.

The cousin is suppose to read us and dd a clearification letter and we can cry scream, ask questions whatever when he is done and my hubby won't go. He said the only thing he would say is that he thinks the cousin needs to tell all the family what he did and that it is his fault and that DD and the rest of our family should not be treated any different from before. As he is taught in counsiling it was a gift to be turned in and go through treatment so he doesn't hurt anyone else.

I will talk to him about the letter to his grandpa and see what he thinks. He is always afraid of how they will react. Like he has said if his dad was still alive no one would be treating dd and us like this because he would have put a stop to it. But DH is a quiet person and that is just not in his character. He has not been the same since his dads sudden death 5 yrs ago last month.

To much heart ache.

[nola79]

Originally Posted by Katie T

Like he has said if his dad was still alive no one would be treating dd and us like this because he would have put a stop to it. But DH is a quiet person and that is just not in his character. He has not been the same since his dads sudden death 5 yrs ago last month.

To much heart ache.

It sound like your DH, and you, have been through a lot emotionally.
Is you DH in counseling as well? Sending many healing vibes to your family.
Again, I am so sorry for what your dd went through. I cannot even imagine, I do hope you can recover as a family.

[luv2bmommie]

I have experienced the same although I would be the one who was molested. My half brother molested me when I was 6 and I had my first memory while being intimate with my first love at 18 years old. My family exposed the incident and my father's family did not speak to us for almost 15 years and to this day still have a somewhat strained relationship with them. They obviously thought we should have kept our mouths shut as well. Being molested is inexcusable no matter who did it. It has affected every one of my relationships including my marriage to this day. Why do I need to punished and my family for something I didn't want to have happen to me in the fist place? People I swear. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.