not really coping

[vali_babes]

Hi,
I am really not being the parent i thought i was or wanted to be. I really liked Unconditional Parenting and How to talk so kids will listen. However, although I have been able to incorporate some of the things I read into my parenting much of it just doesnt stick. I find myself coming out with some crap that I really dont want to be saying.

I have 5 year old twins who are not at school. One has severe anxiety and will not stay with anyone other than me and DH. Occasionally he will stay with my sister or a grandparent for a few hours but that is about it. He hates going to strange places and the reason they are not in any kind of preschool is really becasue he just cant cope.

I also have a 22 month old and a newborn - 4 week old. My husband is renovating our house so he is around most of the time(thank god).

The new baby is a big factor in all of this including my exhaustion levels and the major change this means for the older 3. MOre so fo the 22 month old then the others. But it does mean i am not doing as much with them - no playgroup, we barely make it to dance class.

The older 2 have just become totally defiant and rude. They are hurting each other and calling each other names - its awful. I am so hormonal that my anger is turning to tears almost instantly at the moment. I have been yelling and i hate it. It makes me feel like a total failure at being the parent i want to be.

I have tried to talk to the kids about hurting each other but i dont think they can stop. Its a reflex. The twins are really competitive and always want what the other has even if they dont want/like/need it. To the point where is one is having more mashed potato the other asks for some even if they have just said no they are not hungry. Its doing my head in.
I am rambling now as I am exhausted from being up in the night with the baby and the toddler who is still feeding.

I'll post more clearly tomorrow when I can ask a question. I have hundreds but once i get to the computer my mind is blank.
Thanks

[madskye]

How about preschool for the one twin who does not have anxiety? Might give all three of you a break.

I would focus on one thing at a time--first thing is stopping the fighting. Giving them some space from each other might be a good thing. What else happens besides yelling when they do fight? Are there consequences?

[Awaken]

Hugs to you, mama. Just signing on here to see if anyone has good advice. My oldest kids are 3 years apart and they act just like you describe your twins. Have to be with me every second, can't leave the older one with a babysitter, (he is homeschooled due in part to this), and hypercompetitive and fighting over every.single.little.thing like who walks to the car faster, who walks in the door first, who likes birds more, it's insane, and I'm at a complete loss. Have tried all the parenting books and techniques and nothing stops the constant fighting and rudeness to me. And like you, I'm up all night with a baby and outings are tough with how I'm feeling and juggling all the kids. AND my dh is not home, he works long hours.

Anyway- hope you get a chance to post your specific questions, I always learn a lot from the responses on here.

[vali_babes]

So maybe its nothing to do with being twins - the sibling rivalry thing. I keep thinking if they were different ages things would be different but perhaps not. I think we will be sending my daughter to preschool next term. We have a spot at a place i am happy with and she says she wants to go. Not sure what to do about her twin brother.

I find myself at home with all 4 "NEEDING" things and i am going mad. The baby cries - that's easy - feed or burp or change. The toddler cries and that's usually easy - comfort, distract, read a story. The older 2 are bored - "what are we doing today" I dont even know what to do with 5 year olds who need entertainment. They will play for long periods by themselves or together but some days they hang around waiting for me to organise something and i just cant do it. They need more than a toddler in terms of stimulation and i cant get my head around organsing activities for them and keeping the toddler occupied, meanwhile feeding and changing the baby.

They should be in school. But for whatever reasons they were unable to cope with preschool earlier this year and now we are stuck at home with no routine and barely anyone who they are willing to play with.

As for what happens when they fight - it depends - sometimes they get to spend some time apart. Mostly i try to talk about how they both feel. I also take toys away if its a fight over a toy or i threaten things i never dreamed i would - like i'm not going to read to you tonight. horrible stuff. I am over it. Hate who i am being as a parent. Cant deal with the level of clingyness and anxiety.

rambling again

[love4bob]

Originally Posted by vali_babes

So maybe its nothing to do with being twins - the sibling rivalry thing. I keep thinking if they were different ages things would be different but perhaps not. I think we will be sending my daughter to preschool next term. We have a spot at a place i am happy with and she says she wants to go. Not sure what to do about her twin brother.

I find myself at home with all 4 "NEEDING" things and i am going mad. The baby cries - that's easy - feed or burp or change. The toddler cries and that's usually easy - comfort, distract, read a story. The older 2 are bored - "what are we doing today" I dont even know what to do with 5 year olds who need entertainment. They will play for long periods by themselves or together but some days they hang around waiting for me to organise something and i just cant do it. They need more than a toddler in terms of stimulation and i cant get my head around organsing activities for them and keeping the toddler occupied, meanwhile feeding and changing the baby.

They should be in school. But for whatever reasons they were unable to cope with preschool earlier this year and now we are stuck at home with no routine and barely anyone who they are willing to play with.

As for what happens when they fight - it depends - sometimes they get to spend some time apart. Mostly i try to talk about how they both feel. I also take toys away if its a fight over a toy or i threaten things i never dreamed i would - like i'm not going to read to you tonight. horrible stuff. I am over it. Hate who i am being as a parent. Cant deal with the level of clingyness and anxiety.

rambling again

I feel exactly the same! I have a 3 year old, 20 month old, and a 5 month old. The older two fight ALL. THE. TIME. I just can't stop it! I find myself yelling a lot too because I just can't take it anymore. Today I had to put DD2 in her room to cool down because she was out of control. She is possessive of EVERYTHING. Anything her sister touches she wants, and screams if she can't have it! DH also just deployed, so I have no help. Today was very trying on me. It get terrible headaches. I find myself counting down until their bedtime when I can have peace. I am just so overwhelmed. Next month DD1 will be going to preschool 3 days a week, and I can not wait! They are so better behaved when they are separated.

It is much worse on days like today where we stay home all day. We have been home fore two days now, and going crazy. When I have things for us to do in the mornings it is SO much better. We wake up, have breakfast and get dressed, go to a playdate or park, eat lunch(out or at home), nap time for DD2 and 3/ play or movie time for DD1, DD2 and 3 wake up and play, I make dinner, we eat, bath/bedtime.

[mom2grrls]

They should be in school. But for whatever reasons they were unable to cope with preschool earlier this year and now we are stuck at home with no routine and barely anyone who they are willing to play with.>>>>

Can you put together a routine? Perhaps it would put their minds at ease to know in general what will come next. You could even sit down with them and let them help. My oldest always wants to know what we will be doing today and she's 11 lol.