Tears After Reprimand - How To Deal?

[AnnaNova]

My 17 mo has started using the connection between tears and being held/consoled for when he is doing something he's not supposed to and i raise my voice. Example: he's pulling out one of the outlet covers, i from the other side of the room say with ergency in my voice "son, no!" he instantly breaks down into tears, starts wailing because he knows tears mean i will pick him up and console him, but it sort of contradicts what i have just told him, and at the same time i dont feel right NOt picking him up and letting him cry... so far ive been taking him in my arms and consoling me while explaining why he's not supposed to do what he's doing... i dont know how else to manage this. help?

[mamazee]

You're assuming a lot of motivation. Do you think he's manipulating you? It sounds to me like he's just sad because you were mad at him. I wouldn't ignore his crying either. Also, for my toddler who is the same age as yours, and for my older one really when she was that age, I have more success getting up and physically redirecting than yelling from across the room. He doesn't necessarily know why you're yelling, just that you're angry. But physically moving him away from it, and maybe distracting him with something more interesting, will teach him specifically what not to do, and give him an alternative thing to do as well.

[Mama Mko]

I would go pick him up and remove him, too, instead of just calling out from across the room. I don't think picking him up after he starts crying is contradicting the message. You're still saying 'no, we dont play with outlets.' You're just comforting your child.

[Super~Single~Mama]

My son is that age. He does exactly the same thing!! I think its that he wants to play with the outlet cover (or whatever else is dangerous that he wants) and is upset that I told him no. Ugh.

When I console him I gently say, "No, don't play with that b/c its dangerous, I don't want you to get hurt" and stay firm. He's not always really crying either - sometimes its a "Wah, Wah" type sound thats not accompanied by anything else - no tears, nothing. Other times its really a tantrum with screaming and rediculousness which I don't respond to either - b/c I don't want to reward his tantrums.

[lmk1]

I think you are reading too much "thinking" into your ds's actions. My ds (2yr, 8mo) still cries when he's startled by something that's scary to him...like falling off a chair that he's playing on too carelessly. He gets angry and cries and tries to throw the chair down or needs a kiss or a hug to confirm that everything is alright. Raising your voice is startling and could be scary to a child that's only 17mo. He needs reassurance that everything is still ok. How fast could he take the outlet cover off? They are made so little hands can't take them off easily. I would try to redirect him and use a gentle voice; save your raised "emergency" voice for real emergencies, when you need to stop him immediately and can't do it physically. Otherwise, at some point your ds will get used to your urgent voice, and ignore it...

[AnnaNova]

Originally Posted by mamazee

You're assuming a lot of motivation. Do you think he's manipulating you? It sounds to me like he's just sad because you were mad at him. I wouldn't ignore his crying either. Also, for my toddler who is the same age as yours, and for my older one really when she was that age, I have more success getting up and physically redirecting than yelling from across the room. He doesn't necessarily know why you're yelling, just that you're angry. But physically moving him away from it, and maybe distracting him with something more interesting, will teach him specifically what not to do, and give him an alternative thing to do as well.

same thing happens if i just remove hime though! just yesterday he was yanking on computer cord and i tried to dstract him, and then just picked him up and tried to remove him - tears and wailing and arching his back...
and i dont actually *scream*... but i would like him to start learning to pay attention to the tone of my voice if im at a distance and cant just grab him...
i dont want it to sound aweful or anything, its just now that he's super mobile, and i want him to pay attention when he's out of reach... does that make sense? thats why when its something potentially dangerous i just add 'urgency' to my voice, so he learns to differenciate eventually when things are ok, and when its REALLY not.
i hope it didnt make me sound like an aweful screaming mother

[eclipse]

It still doesn't sound like he's screaming/crying to manuipulate you into comforting him. It sounds like he's mad/frustrated/annoyed that you're not letting him play with his "toy." (Which, clearly, is fine - you don't want him to hurt himself. But he doesn't understand your motivations. All he understands is "I was playing with this cool thing and momma made me stop and now I'm mad/sad.") I don't think there's anything wrong with comforting him in the situation - or in him wanting that comfort.

[crowcaw]

My almost 5 year olds cry and immediately raise their arms asking for hugs if I loudly reprimand them and I know it's not manipulation. When I raise my voice or speak sharply it upsets them and they feel scared or hurt and need comfort. It doesn't mean they didn't get the message or are trying to get away with what they are doing. And their tears do not mean they get to continue what they are doing, but I do comfort them (usually -- there are times when their non-response to other methods has pushed me far enough that yelling is my temper rather than a flash reaction to a dangerous situation, for instance, and then I need to cool myself down before I can comfort them).

[One_Girl]

Originally Posted by crowcaw

My almost 5 year olds cry and immediately raise their arms asking for hugs if I loudly reprimand them and I know it's not manipulation. When I raise my voice or speak sharply it upsets them and they feel scared or hurt and need comfort. It doesn't mean they didn't get the message or are trying to get away with what they are doing. And their tears do not mean they get to continue what they are doing, but I do comfort them (usually -- there are times when their non-response to other methods has pushed me far enough that yelling is my temper rather than a flash reaction to a dangerous situation, for instance, and then I need to cool myself down before I can comfort them).

I agree with this. My dd gets cries sometimes when I tell her I am disappointed with something she did. Comforting her and reassuring her that I love her still hasn't led to her thinking that she should repeat a very negative behavior.

[mamazee]

Originally Posted by AnnaNova

same thing happens if i just remove hime though! just yesterday he was yanking on computer cord and i tried to dstract him, and then just picked him up and tried to remove him - tears and wailing and arching his back...
and i dont actually *scream*... but i would like him to start learning to pay attention to the tone of my voice if im at a distance and cant just grab him...
i dont want it to sound aweful or anything, its just now that he's super mobile, and i want him to pay attention when he's out of reach... does that make sense? thats why when its something potentially dangerous i just add 'urgency' to my voice, so he learns to differenciate eventually when things are ok, and when its REALLY not.
i hope it didnt make me sound like an aweful screaming mother

It doesn't sound to me either like you're an awful mother or that you're screaming at him. It does sound like your expectations are too high for 17 months though. He will still need physical redirection for a while, and won't understand exactly what the urgent voice means, nor will have have the impulse control to stop himself even if he did understand. He will eventually, but I'm afraid it'll take a little while yet. When you're upset, he'll be sad, but it's either because you made him stop doing something he was having fun with (and that will happen) or because he doesn't like making you upset. It's fine to comfort him when that happens and it won't make him more likely to touch things you don't want him to touch.

[ssh]

You need to child proof better. For example we put a board on the bottom part of our computer desk so no cords are visible unless an adult pulls the desk away from the wall. Also things like http://www.mypreciouskid.com/outlet-cover.html and this http://www.toysrus.com/product/index...ductId=2792252 cover outlets better. Your DS won't have any impulse control for another year or two so even if your voice sounds 'urgent' he's likely to do whatever anyway. Calm redirection is the best discipline technique for toddlers.

[Violet2]

DD is like this, sensitive and I view this type of situation as a 'crying for connection'.

Since she is older, I can often console her with 'momma's not mad, she was scared you would get hurt' and she gets lots of love.

What you posted in the OP sounds perfect to me. Definitely give him a big cuddle.

V

[mama_tigress]

Coming to this late, but I wanted to add that it might be more effective in the long-term to use one word, like "Danger!", rather than yell "NO!" or use a long explanation like in one of the previous replies. When you say no, a child doesn't know exactly what you are talking about. A long explanation is often above their comprehension and doesn't deal with the immediacy of a perceived threat to your kid. But even young children can understand the word "danger," and if said with actual fear in your voice, they will understand. Still might cry, which I think is normal, but might also learn more from it.

[Xerxella]

Definitely give hugs and say It's ok sweetie, mommy just doesn't want you to get hurt. My 3 yo and1 yo both need hugs when they're corrected and they're very obedient children.

My dad taught me this distraction technique. (And it teaches them to come when called, too.) He gives them treats a lot. Little things, like an M&m, a cheerio, a pez, a string of beads, whatever. Things grandpas give kids. He always puts the thing in a closed fist and makes them kids work opening his hand to get it. (Sometimes he does 2 hands and they have to guess which one it's in, you know.) So whenever he wants them to come or stop doing whatever they're doing, he calls their name and holds out a closed fist. The kids come running! If he doesn't have anything to give them, he just starts playing games with his hands. Like when they get the hand open it starts tickling them or he grabs the hand and swings them around or whatever.

They love it and it works everytime.