Am I a bad mother?

[XmasEve]

When dh comes home from work and sees dd's newest injuries, he might think so...

It's a running arguement that he thinks I let 14-mo dd do too much. Like stairs. If it were up to him, all stairs would be off limits until she's old enough to drive. I say, she has to learn to get better. Well, today she was learning how to go down stairs properly (that is, not like mom, who's big enough to just walk). She was lying on her belly on the bottom step, trying to decide whether to slither off to the floor. She slipped and went face first. This was in the concrete garage, so now she has scratches on her forehead, nose and upper lip. She only cried because I scooped her up to comfort her but she was already up and trying to chase the dog.

She also has a huge bruise on her forehead, but that's nothing new, as her nickname is the Bruise Queen. And that's got me down. This kid ALWAYS has bruises! (And no, she's not anemic, just very, very fair-skinned.) I recently watched a home video we took that spanned several months, and the older she got the more bruises she had. If I didn't know me, I'd turn myself in for abuse!

So am I a bad mom? Is dd accident prone? Or is this life for a toddler? She's a very happy, healthy girl. I want her to enjoy the world, not be separated from it. But maybe she's just too young to explore the way she does? She's been walking for the past 6 months so I don't think there's anything I could do to corral her now.

Please let me know what you think. I would ask my mother, but she would just tell me this was the age I spent the most time in the playpen or something...

[kimmysue2]

My nephew is like your daughter if not worst. My poor brother was like telling his wife she couldn't go out until at least one bruise healed Their boy is 1.5 years old and climbs the bookcase, babygate, high chair, top of the sofa, you name it and he falls and hits something. Whats kind of funny my brother was the same way when he was little. So far his boy hasn't had to get stitches like my brother did all the time.

[angela&avery]

well i think it definately spans normal to have a toddler with bruises everywhere.... i guess you should accident proof a little tho if shes accident prone, ya know??

i dont mean prevent her from exploring, i think its wonderful you arent overprotective. I mean if she's trying to climb steps over concrete. be right next to her.. if she tends to run and wipe out in the living room by the coffee table a lot, accident proof the coffee table with a soft guard (tho i never did)....

my ds had plenty of bruises, and many on his head at that age. Now that he is 2 1/2 they are usually on his legs, tho he still tends to run head first into stuff:LOL .

i dont know, i guess its up to you with how ok you are with her hurting herself... if you dont like it, you may want to be preventive and not let her run on concrete, jump on the bed or tear ass through the house. Also helps if you limit physical activity when they are tired, i always found ds hurts himself more when hes exhausted..

oh and your question: No, i dont think you're a bad mom.

[LisainCalifornia]

I was with you until you said "concrete parking garage stairs"-- I don't know--to me that is one of those things you don't mess around with. I would hold her hand "walking" all the way down, or if she could not do that then carry her. At 14 months she is pretty little to be doing that.

Carpeted stairs at a home? That is a bit different.

She will learn to navigate the stairs, but the concrete ones are still difficult for even my 3 year old. She does it, but only holding my hand or tightly to the rail. At 14 months I would have carried her...same for my other kids.

[MamaFern]

my little guy is just like yours. he's up and down everything-stairs, chairs, bookcases, desks, you name it he can climb it. he's got bruises on his knees and shins mostly but sometimes on his head. today its my head thats bruised. i was nursing him in the hammock and it broke and i smashed my head into a rock. elwynn was nursing on me so he didnt get hurt just scared. i dont think that you are a bad mom though. its a good thing to let kids explore their world. i guess its just our job to make sure they dont get too hurt. i dont think that scratches and bruises count for much as long as you love them.

fern

[Red]

Compromise might be in order. On concrete I'd install some carpet and some padding at the bottom. Hurt-proof your house. Remove anything that can hurt the kiddo. Scars aren't worth it.

Once there aren't to many ways to scar yourself, exploring is ok. If the area isn't pain-proof, you should be carrying the babe. 14 months is pretty young to be going down stairs.

Are you a bad mother? No! We all let our first kids do stuff we'd never let the others do. And it's hard to tell how much is too much. And everyone has a different viewpoint on what's ok.

i just keep picturing those little teeth.....I always worried about my kids breaking their teeth!

[MommyCat]

Dont bye into the mommy guilt!

My Xdh used to drive me crazy with this. It was always my fault if she had a bump or bruise or heaven forbid a cut or scratch. He would without a doubt blame me. I wasnt watching her I let her walk to far in front of me, I let her run off and play in the grass, or climb something. All the while he sure wasnt watching her.
Anyway I think your daughter is very lucky to have a mom like you who does let her explore her world and isnt teaching her what a Dangerous and scary place the world is. That is what kids are supposed to do, and so many parents dont let their kids do anything and make them act accordingly and sit quietly and not touch ect. ect...
Obviously you are a concerned Mom and you are there with her guiding her. If you were neglectful that would be a different story but seeing that you are posting about your concern I dont see that to be the case.

Im sure that you prevent any great mishaps like jumping off cliffs and being run over by garbage trucks.

Thats how kids learn and Im sure before this age of modernism kids had more freedom and god forbid LOL more scars from childhood excursions.
You sound like an awesome mom! Dont by into the mommy guilt!
We get enough of it!

[Katana]

You are not a bad mother. You are an amazing, wonderful, loving mother who has her daughter's best interests first and foremost.

She's learning. You're watching her learn, and you're learning. Accidents happen, it's why they're called accidents. It's going to be okay, she's not going to be the Bruise Queen forever.

[XmasEve]

Thanks guys, I feel a lot better. I'm usually okay with letting her explore and the owies that come with it, it was just that this was her first scrape and bruise. And it was a powerless feeling because I was sitting on the bottom step right beside her, so I wasn't expecting a serious accident because I WAS RIGHT THERE, yk? If I can't protect her when she's inches from me...

I do childproof, that's why our living room is now minus a coffee table. I have a friend who literally got rid of her living room furniture when her dc was this age. I personally don't want to go that far, so of course I compare myself to her and wonder if I'm not as good a mother. But I got a lot of great suggestions here, so I'll put those into use, thanks.

Oh, and dh wasn't upset she was hurt-- he asked some of his guy friends with older kids and they all admitted their kids had been bruised at this age. Finally, he realizes! Do you think if I was the one talking to him about this stuff over a beer it would get heard better? :LOL

[eilonwy]

Quite frankly, I worry more about toddlers who never have visible bruises than those who often do. Healthy toddlers tend to explore, and part of exploring is hurting yourself a lot of the time, especially when things like walking and climbing are new skills you're working on. It's like toddlers who are always clean; there seems to be something unnatural about that to me. :LOL

That said, I hate looking at Eli's new bruises and scratches. I always worry about them, especially the bump he had on his forehead that he kept hitting so that it didn't fade for nearly 3 months! It seems like he's always doing something to himself and it drives me crazy. There's always something to worry about.

[nikirj]

My DH and I had a huge discussion when DD was tiny about this, and about how he was probably way overprotected as a child, and how I was probably a bit underprotected as a child, and trying to find the balance.

Like your daughter, I fell down concrete steps as a toddler - unlike your daughter, I fell all the way down. In a walker. Yeah. Now that is unattentive parenting.

My DH was never allowed to do anything the slightest bit risky. He first skinned his knee when he was SEVEN. Yikes.

Our kids are allowed to explore and play and take tons more risks than my DH is comfortable with, but also a lot less than I would be comfortable with. We have compromised, babyproofed, and I have learned to be more attentive when my kids are doing something potentially dangerous. This means that while DH has had to get used to me allowing 4yo DD to walk around on top of the patio railing (3 ft high), I have had to get used to holding my kids' hands when we go down the concrete stairs next to the apartment (until they were really able to do it themselves, about 2yo).

In short, I think you are a wonderful mom for wanting to give her the opportunity to learn and explore, and for wanting to give her the confidence to do so (which is one of my main reasons for giving kids so much freedom - I think that by always trying to protect them, we take away their confidence by teaching them to be scared of any kind of hurt or failure, instead of encouraging a just-try-again attitude). I think that this is the age when you are coming face-to-face with the problems of finding a balance between too much and too little protection, and you are doing a marvelous job because you are analyzing where you are on the spectrum, where your DH is on the spectrum, and how capable your DD is.

[Fianna]

Toddlerhood is such a tricky phase to navigate, isn't it? It's hard to know where the line between letting them explore and keeping them safe is. My 2nd dd was navigating stairs by herself at 14 months (bumping down on her butt; now at 23 months she is walking down like a "big kid"). So much of it is just looking at individual development. Many toddlers I know aren't anywhere near ready to get near a set of stairs at that age. Bumps and bruises will happen. It's just part of life.

With my first dd I was so worried about her getting hurt. She, too, navigated stairs pretty early (my dh was much more nervous about it than I was too, but I really think it was because I was with her all day every day and knew what she was capable of, whereas he was at work sometimes 15 hrs a day and just didn't know her as well). Anyway, the first time she really hurt herself had nothing to do with being in a situation she wasn't big enough for. She was walking across the kitchen floor (probably around 14 months) and she just tripped over her own feet, hit the floor, and cut her lip with her teeth. Yikes! It was the first time I had seen her draw blood and I freaked. But it really wasn't any big deal.

Sounds like you are doing a great job to me! Glad your dh has finally figured that out too.

[*Erin*]

yea, i was nodding until i read "concrete" too. my dd still isnt allowed to do stairs or chairs or running anywhere near concrete. we dont mess around with that either!

i do let dd do all sorts of things that may be viewed as "dangerous" too, though. i hover around though, and help her to understand and navigate. imo, a toddler needs to learn whats ok and what's not by seeing and doing, and by being allowed and encouraged to be a part of their world. when everything is a "no no", they dont learn anything.
i think you sound like a really good mama who encourages exploration. (but i wouldnt let such a wee bitty play around the big bad concrete )
edited 'cause i just read

do childproof, that's why our living room is now minus a coffee table. I have a friend who literally got rid of her living room furniture when her dc was this age. I personally don't want to go that far, so of course I compare myself to her and wonder if I'm not as good a mother. But I got a lot of great suggestions here, so I'll put those into use, thanks.

lol, we babyproofed like crazy, including putting all the den furnature in storage for awhile- i didnt miss it, and now that dd is past that stumbly walking phase, we're moving to a bigger place, and bringing it all back out again.
it is a bit much huh?! :LOL

[XmasEve]

Thanks to everyone. I'm paying more attention to dd's actions and my reactions and I think we're getting to a better place. All of your words helped, and I printed some out and stuck them to my fridge because they spoke so deeply to me.

[Ms. Frizzle]

Originally posted by LisainCalifornia
I was with you until you said "concrete parking garage stairs"-- I don't know--to me that is one of those things you don't mess around with. I would hold her hand "walking" all the way down, or if she could not do that then carry her. At 14 months she is pretty little to be doing that.

Carpeted stairs at a home? That is a bit different.

She will learn to navigate the stairs, but the concrete ones are still difficult for even my 3 year old. She does it, but only holding my hand or tightly to the rail. At 14 months I would have carried her...same for my other kids.

I totally agree.