3 yr old tantrums!

[kayc]

This may be a bit long, but I need ideas...

I have a ds that is 3 yrs 7 months. I’m a stay at home mom and I still breastfeed…usually just at night. He no longer naps, although we do have quite time together. Over the last few months, he has been having some real issues….temper tantrums. He has some “rituals” that are very important to him and if they don’t go his way, a major tantrum erupts. He screams and gets so upset. He kicks his legs, falls down on the ground, bangs his head on the couch cushions (thank God they’re soft)…this can last for 10-15 min.

Some of his “rituals” are: Watching planes fly by, watching cars drive by, watching the neighbors garage doors go up and down, flushing the toilet (he has to flush it and I have to be there holding his hand). Actually all of the above have to be done holding my hand. And the most recent….He wants me to bring the clouds back so he can see them again!

We hate to see him go thru this and we have tried so many different approaches. We try to redirect his attention, but the timing has to be just right for that (towards the end of the tantrum). We’ve tried to explain things like “screaming isn’t going to bring the plane back, there will be another one” and if he just misses a garage door going up or down I say “the neighbors are gone now, I’m sorry we didn’t see the garage door go down”, of course, the timing has to be right for that too. If I mention anything during his state of pure frustration, it just aggravates him more. I’ve also tried to ignore it (I always stay in the same room with him). We’ve thought about taking him to his room and making him stay there until he calms down, but my gut says not to do that.

I know he can read my facial expressions VERY clearly, so I’m hoping that I’m not triggering them!

Any others out there with ideas?

[Boot]

I honestly think this is just a 3 year old thing. Mine is similar. It's like he has an idea in his head of how things are going to be and if it doesn't work out that way he loses it. He had a huge tantrum at the bank because I couldn't go back in time and go up the steps to the bank instead of the ramp (I had the stroller). Doing it afterwards didn't cut it. It had to be before.

Things that seem to help. Trying to remember to keep his blood sugar even with snacks and drinks. Encouraging a nap and if it doesn't happen he gets an early bedtime.

Now for the controversial bit - I remove the audience (me) if I can. I tell him it's not acceptable to speak to me that way and he can try again when he's calmed down and I either leave the room or put him in his room. I know a lot of people don't agree with this but it really works for us. Sometimes me being there feeds into the tantrum to the point that he has no idea what he was initially upset about and is just in a cycle that he can't snap out of. If I give him space he seems to 'reboot' and will be fine much quicker.

I also *try* to be as consistent and clear as I can. If I'm wishy washy and change my mind too much he seems to feel insecure and get a lot more temperamental. If I follow through with what I say, even if he protests, he settles down more quickly.

It's so hard and I really sympathise but it WILL get better. Hopefully soon since yours is not far away from 4. good luck

[kayc]

Thanks sooo much! Sometimes, just hearing someone else has the same thing going on helps. I know, I know....it's that darn 3 yr old thing! I had to laugh about the bank thing....We just went to the bank last week and we had to go back in because he forgot to see if the ceiling was a "high ceiling". I also completely know what you're talking about when you mentioned "doing it afterwards"....just not the same!

Good point on the snacks, although, I've monitored that too and it doesn't seem to matter. I can usually tell first thing in the morning if it's going to be that kind of day. I do walk away sometimes, but he just follows me. And yes, consistency is important...

And one more thing....if it's just him and dad outside and a car goes by, it's usually not a big deal.

Thanks again!