What ever happened to just following your instincts?

[angela&avery]

I have read so much on these boards about what is considered AP and what is not. About which guy in which book says this about that....... And you know what? I find my kids are happiest when i just do what i feel is right and what works for us. It may or may not be AP, though i strive every day to be gentle and meet my childrens needs...

i like to come here and search for answers to questions when i have questions and try to answer questions for some people and books can serve the purpose of answering questions too....

But how can someone read a book and follow it like a bible of sorts for parenting?? I guess maybe its not that natural for everyone?? Am a different?

[Piglet68]

Re: What ever happened to just following your instincts?

Originally posted by angela&avery
I guess maybe its not that natural for everyone?? Am a different?

Maybe not different, just lucky. Lucky that you didn't have any major obstacles to overcome just to discover what your instincts were, and that they were worth listening to.

I don't think anybody should blindly follow any parenting book. But when you read a book and it speaks to your heart, it can provide you with the knowledge and, more importantly, the *confidence* to follow your heart. Books can also give you the tools to parent the way you know you WANT to parent, but have no idea how to acheive because you were never exposed to the proper example growing up.

More often than not, we come into parenting knowing what we DON'T want to do, and not able to put a finger on what it is we DO want to do.

[anothermama]

amen, sister! I agree.......
It was only after my daughter was about a year old that I realized I fell into this AP catagory......I was just doing what came naturally and what felt like the best things for us.

But I also agree with Piglet.......not everyone is so blessed with that kind of clarity. We live in a world that teaches people and especially women to CONSTANTLY doubt themselves, their instincts, their bodies, and their parenting. SO I see how for some mamas, there is a real usefullness to having those resources to back up what they already know inside.

[MommyCat]

Yay!

I have been on a rant lately about AP as a fashion statement and wondering where the whole natural parenting, instinctual parenting, child led, and not to mention the attachment has gotten to. It has become fashionable to look AP and to buy the latest dr. whoever books and buy the latest most expensive silk slings...
THATS NOT AP!!!

I thought it was so cool when I found out there was a name and others who parented the way I believed . But I have quickly become disallusioned by the "AP moms" who seem to judge me by if you are doing ALL of the AP things Dr. sellout has sanctioned this week.

I almost hope I dont look "AP" but if I do so be it.

Maybe if more people werent so worried about "being" AP and following the doctrin or whatever the current trend is they would learn to trust their instincts ad really parent from the heart.

[azyre]

I think I pretty much do what instinct tells me yet I LOVE reading the books, the science, the research and especially the anecdotes. It wasn't rocket science to realise she hated the pram and loved the sling - and it is my instinct to have her content not distressed. But with enough reading prior I knew the sling had benefits for her above the pram and it wasn't "spoling" her, and it's nice to have knowledge and support and an attitude that makes doing those things easier.

And personally, I am not of the opinion that everyone wants the best for their child. I think there's large numbers who want the best that's convienent and easy. So if AP becomes some sort of trend (and there's no evidence where I live it is), I think that's ace to be honest. Lucky little babies.

And I am going to need help with the GD. Already it is my impulse to say NO in a gruff voice and so on. Impulse is hard to divide from instinct - I could easily say it's my instinct and so it's ok.

[Elphaba]

i don't have any instincts for parenting.

[Mona]

i think books can sometimes help us "re-discover" our instincts.
The Continuum Concept and authors like Jan Hunt have done this for me.

[wende]

I had never heard of AP until after I'd had my 4th child. I was (am) on another message board and someone was talking about MDC and I was in aww that there were so many people who parent the way that I've always instinctually done it. I think it's good, though, that there are books out there to follow. Imagine how much good they have probably done some people and some babies who may have otherwise been parented much differently.

[angela&avery]

ya i guess some people need that guidance.... i just feel that there is a need for people to make it their own and i dont see that its ok to think others are bad who arent 100% AP.... and don't do everything "the books" say.... I just do what i feel is right for me and my kids, whether its AP or not...

[lotusdebi]

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[mamawanabe]

There is a fine line between following your instinct and repeating your parents parenting practices (some of this repetition is very subtle).

My friend is a wonderful "instinctual" mother who is AP without ever having read a book or visited MDC, but sometimes I can hear her mother's voice in her when she talks to her son (her mother is not a mother she'd like to emulate).

It is just to easy to unconsciously fall back on what you knew and accepted without question during the most formative years of your life (ages 0-8 or so). I think we need books and forums to help us really break free from the nurture we recieved, nurture that is very hard to separate from instinct because it is all mixed up together.

[menudo]

I too never heard the term AP until I came to MDC. I never read the books, etc. but now as Ibegin to educate myself onALOT of things I am reading more and more. Dr. Mendelsohns book blew me away-he wrote it 20 yearsagoand confronts the issueswe confront today (When to go to a doctor, vaccines, circumcision, instincts, etc.) Awesome to see it in writing and hear a Ped admit the system is corrupt. I havea cousin who wants to start college in a year to be a Pediatrician.She is the oldest of 4 kidswith 2 abusive parents-no clue of AP. I plan to lend her Mendelson book as a prep for med school and hope she becomes one of the few "good" Docs out there.

Side note-Her lil brother is the one who gave my SON MEASLES FROM HIS mmr BOOSTER...

[tabitha]

ita with piglet well said mama.

i didnt really know about attachment pareting when ds was born. but i listened to my heart and as it happens i guess were "AP". of course, i dont agree with dr sears on a lot of things. i dont even really like his books anymore.

i dont read parenting books. i never got much from them. i have made a great effort to restore my instincts, and now i trust my heart will tell me what is best. and my son, too, he communicates with me and we do alright.

everyone has "instincts". we just have to learn how to listen to them and trust ourselves again.

tabitha

[eilonwy]

ITA; count yourself lucky to be blessed with clarity and the strength to follow your instincts. I think this is the one piece of advice that I offer to new parents more than any other: trust your instincts! If you think your baby needs to be held, pick them up. If your baby is happy and content in a crib, let them be. Follow your instincts and your child will lead the way.

[JanB]

I agree; it never ever would have occurred to me to co-sleep, especially with an infant, until I read about it on some attachment parenting forums when I was pregnant with my first baby. Even then I thought it was a little weird and maybe not for me, until DH hopped on the bandwagon and convinced me we should give it a try. At least for me, there was absolutely nothing instinctual about it, and yet it is now one of my most treasured parenting practices.

I also agree strongly that it can be hard to distinguish between an instinct, and just going by what your parents did. Also, I think instincts apply a lot more to infants. When you're trying to figure out how best to curb a toddler's destructive or hurtful behavior, I at least don't seem to have much in the way of instincts guiding me. Unless the natural instinct is to just scream in frustration and then run out of the room yelling for DH to come help, that is. :

[Fianna]

I had never heard the term AP until I went to my first LLL mtg when dd #1 was about 4 months old. I was just looking for like-minded moms. Some of it was instinct. I always knew I wanted to co-sleep, breastfeed, and use a sling (luckily I had older sisters who had done these things). But after dd was born, I had to really think about much more minute-to-minute parenting. For instance, when dd was tired, dh wanted to put her in the swing and let her "fuss" for a few minutes until she fell asleep. That felt so WRONG to me. But I didn't know how to articulate it well. So reading AP books gave me the support and emotional fortitude (as well as some wonderful AP research that really worked with my science-minded dh) to stick up for my dd and my instincts.

And there certainly have been times when dealing with sleep issues or EBF issues that it has been very reassuring and calming to me to go read advice/support/research so that I didn't make bad decisions in a moment of frustration. It's also nice to read that many of those times of frustration are normal.