Not Valued All of a Sudden--Partly a Vent

[Violet2]

I don't know what is going on but DH is NOT understanding what I do as a sahm.

He actually said I do the bare minimum which I can't believe!

I cook. I take care of DD. I clean, up to a point, DD and family time comes first. I try to work when I can--if I can get some time to. I am recovering from a bad asthma attack and non-functioning adrenal glands which is going to take the rest of the year if not part of next to work through. I believe DH missed 2 days of work and I was sick + sahm for most of the 6 weeks I was acutely ill.

DH does the garbage, a lot of the laundry (his choice, I'm not making him do it) and all the various handyman projects (which is a lot). Family time comes last.

He has had waaaaaaay more free time than I have lately including a 4 day trip out of town to play hockey (his hobby) and a week long business trip (with cable! No family responsibilities! Unlimited air conditioning and quiet time off hours!)and a planned biking trip.

Me? I'm lucky and asking a lot if I get to sleep in. I'm supposed to drop everything and be available however DH wants to use me 24/7. Need homework copyedited right now? I'm the woman, I have no life, right, advance notice is only for everyone else.

We had a big blow up and I finally summed it up for him thusly; when he had the stomach flu, I took DD almost the entire day despite the fact I was coming down with the stomach flu and had non-functioning adrenal glands.

Then when I started puking, DH went to work and I was home alone with DD, puking and dealing with a broken baby gate meaning I couldn't even veg on the couch.

That really kind of sums up the work load distribution. To his credit, he kind of got what I was saying with that example.

This has been the balance in our relationship and whether DH feels like he gets more or not, the truth is, he gets far more breaks and a lot more support.

I am at a loss to try and quantify what I do. Like I can't find the right words.

I grilled him on 'What are you eating tonight? What I planned and prepared. what are you doing tonight? what I planned and prepared. I make sure DD has clothes, is kept busy, I cook from scratch so she has the healthiest foods. It's all kind of invisible stuff. Seamless. I make our house a home. I make our family a family. DH would miss me if I was gone, but can't see it, kwim?

I also recently spent two weeks cleaning out a room filled with boxes and turning it into a guestroom for a houseguest (later it will become DD's playroom). Carrying heavy boxes, cleaning organizing, HUGE project.

For goodness sake, I didn't even get a decent bday this year! DH was too busy with school.

This never used to be a problem. We were a team. A good team. All of a sudden though I, apparently, suck and DH wants to do everything but spend time with DD or me.Then he complains about how stressed he is at home. He's allowed to feel how he feels, but I can't work up much sympathy for him.

Sometimes I think about going back to work but gee, would I really want to add a likely unpleasant boss on top of all the fun I'm having at home? And if DH thinks I do nothing now...

So has anyone written one of those pithy internet forward type things about sahms? I think DH needs to read something like that.

V

[mambera]

No words will get through to him like experience. I suggest you plan a day where you need your DH to handle your DD and the house all day. Some project out of town or a trip to visit relatives or something. After that you can talk.

[BreakfastyMichele]

Except you need to go for at least two days.

[ParisApril]

I can sympathize.

I too need to go away for more than just the day because when I get back from where I've been for the day I get to look at a counter and sink full of dishes and a, "What's for dinner?" the minute I walk in the door. If I was away for 2 days he actually might have to wash something.

Why do guys consider the fact that the kids survived the day good enough? Hello there are other things we SAHM's do besides keep the kids alive.

[Violet2]

Originally Posted by BreakfastyMichele

Except you need to go for at least two days.

Oh no, a week. Definitely a week. At some point. I am already talking to my momma friends about next year. But you know what? It won't matter. I've done all the hard stuff, the nursing all night long, the potty learning, it's easy street for him, nothing compared to what I've done the last few years.

At least DH is trying and recognizes how upset I am so there's that. I just wish he could see my perspective, he's still not getting it other than his DW is TICKED OFF at him.

At any rate, I decided we are all too stressed. No one is happy. So the theme from here on out is fun first, work second. Tomorrow the beach and then work on DD's playroom if we have the time.

V

[pearl2]

Good to hear he's coming around sort of...

But if I ever got accused of doing the bare minimum, then by golly, that's EXACTLY what I would start doing. Then let's see who complains then! He could take care of his own food, his own clothes, keep up with his own things, etc. Bare minimum for me would be just taking care of my things and baby's things, but not HIS things, because that's just extra. I'd also hire out every single thing that people get paid to do, like housekeeping, lawn maintenance, etc. and I'd continue to do the "bare minimum." Ha! Sorry he said that to you. You should throw him a dollar bill so he can go to the store and BUY A CLUE.

[limabean]

Originally Posted by Violet2

It's all kind of invisible stuff. Seamless. I make our house a home. I make our family a family.

I think you explained it perfectly with this. You scrub down the kitchen counter 4 times a day, and because you do, he doesn't ever notice because it's always clean -- the status quo. If you stopped doing it, it'd be filthy within 2 days.

It sounds like he's beginning to understand your POV, or at least understand that there's a problem. A weekend on his own with the kids will hopefully give him a clearer understanding of the multitude of invisible jobs (like counter-wiping) must be done daily to keep a household going.

[Qalliope]

It sounds like he's in a man-funk. Lashing out at you is totally inexcusable. But I'd be wondering if something else is bothering him.

[rightkindofme]

I have a more-involved-than-average husband and he goes through 'funks' too. (Although multiple out of town holidays in a year I would flat veto. heck no.)

I wouldn't be real thrilled with your husband in that situation. I would try to sit down and talk to him about all the things you actually do in a day. I would absolutely start leaving him alone with the kid(s) on a regular basis. Everyone deserves to be valued for what they do. And I think I would go on strike. "You think I'm doing the minimum. For one week I will demonstrate to you what the minimum is. I'm not doing this to be a b@!#^&. I am doing this so that you have a better understanding of exactly what it is I do." I won't ever have to do this because I'm a terribly miserable pregnant person and when I'm pregnant (like now) I do the minimum. My husband is SO looking forward to getting back to my non-pregnant minimum. He will never complain about me not doing enough again. ha.

[Amys1st]

Originally Posted by pearl2

Good to hear he's coming around sort of...

But if I ever got accused of doing the bare minimum, then by golly, that's EXACTLY what I would start doing. Then let's see who complains then! He could take care of his own food, his own clothes, keep up with his own things, etc. Bare minimum for me would be just taking care of my things and baby's things, but not HIS things, because that's just extra. I'd also hire out every single thing that people get paid to do, like housekeeping, lawn maintenance, etc. and I'd continue to do the "bare minimum." Ha! Sorry he said that to you. You should throw him a dollar bill so he can go to the store and BUY A CLUE.

amen to that sister.

Of course this thread reminds me of that story that floats around every so often:

A man comes home from work. He notices toys in his lawn and one of his kids running around screaming. What is wrong?? He pulls into his driveway and walks in the door. The tv is blaring but a scrambled screen, there are toys all over. He looks in the kitchen for his wife but his feet get all wet and sticky from the juice and sandwich on the ground. Dishes piled all over along with various clothing etc dirty along the way. He looks for his wife, where is she???? He finds her in her night gown and resting in her bed. He comes in, Honey what is wrong??? Nothing she says. "You know how everyday, you ask me what in the world did you do all day? Well today, I decided not to do it"

[Violet2]

Originally Posted by Amys1st

amen to that sister.

Of course this thread reminds me of that story that floats around every so often:

A man comes home from work. He notices toys in his lawn and one of his kids running around screaming. What is wrong?? He pulls into his driveway and walks in the door. The tv is blaring but a scrambled screen, there are toys all over. He looks in the kitchen for his wife but his feet get all wet and sticky from the juice and sandwich on the ground. Dishes piled all over along with various clothing etc dirty along the way. He looks for his wife, where is she???? He finds her in her night gown and resting in her bed. He comes in, Honey what is wrong??? Nothing she says. "You know how everyday, you ask me what in the world did you do all day? Well today, I decided not to do it"

Well today I did vacuum and mop and dust and cooked dinner and put away laundry BUT on days that are more DD focused, the house can get like that! Especially if we have a play date!

ETA: I deep cleaned the bathroom too!

V