How long do you let your partner suffer before you step in?

[hakeber]

I am listening to DH trying to clothe the baby for an outing and she has been wailing the whole time. It's awful. I want to step in and do it for him, but he has asked me to back off and let him soothe her. It's brutal...going on ten minutes...ARRRG!

[sosurreal09]

hun hes right he does need to be able to soothe her. it IS hard. i always go outside when DDs dad decides to try and soothe her. she flips for a while but in the end he manages ok. we arent together either so she doesnt see him every day but she does love him and its her daddy KWIM? she cant have you all the time b/c one day you wont be there to soothe her and someone else will have to do

[Amanda L]

I've had to walk away after saying "let me know if you need me" and it is SO HARD. But I do think it's necessary for my son to learn to interact with other adults, especially Dad.

[akat]

10 minutes seems like a long time. I think if it went on that long, I might at least go offer some advice, if not take the baby. My husband is VERY good with our 6yo. With the 5 mo. old, the buck usually stops with me. Nursing is a pretty good cure-all, but it doesn't always work, so I've learned some other tricks. My husband's trick is to give the baby to me. Today I was thinking, I should share some of my other tricks with him - like for instance, I will hold the baby tight and bounce hard or run and say Shhhhhh very loud and he'll fall asleep in about 2 minutes if fed and overtired.

[*bejeweled*]

Originally Posted by anielasmommy09

hun hes right he does need to be able to soothe her. it IS hard. i always go outside when DDs dad decides to try and soothe her. she flips for a while but in the end he manages ok. we arent together either so she doesnt see him every day but she does love him and its her daddy KWIM? she cant have you all the time b/c one day you wont be there to soothe her and someone else will have to do

[katelove]

I voted "as long as he needs". J is usually only grizzly if she is hungry or having trouble falling asleep though. So, if he is trying to settle her then I say "let me know if you want a break" and then I leave them to it. If she doesn't settle I will ask if he thinks she's hungry or if he wants me to try feeding her again. We always make sure she is fed before he tries to settle her obviously but sometimes she gets worked up and won't feed but then having a break with him will calm her enough to have another go.

[hakeber]

I know, ladies. He is really good with the kids, but sometimes he struggles when they are in meltdown phase. All his sensibilities go out the window, and just let me TRY to give advice...he thinks I'm questioning his very manhood.

So frustrating.

I went in right after writing this poll...I couldn't take it anymore. Didn't help his confidence at all that she stopped crying the instant I made eye contact with her. He sees her all the time, it's just that he doesn't smell like me, and today he was watching the Spain Paraguay match at the pub so he came back smelling of cigarette smoke and beer, which probably didn't help her mood.

[tracymom1]

I think that most of the time DH is quite good with whatever tasks, soothing, caregiving etc... that needs to be done.

If I think he is doing something to worsen the situation, I will step in right away - but if its just general fussiness or irritation I will let him work it out.

[confustication]

Unless he is causing pain or asking for help, I learned to stay out of it. It's far too easy to come off as though it is 'my domain' when I try to help, and that ultimately undermines his confidence. Now he's as good at anything with them as I am. He does it his own way and sometimes I feel it's not what I prefer, but hey- it works for them, and he feels like he is a capable super dad- because he is.

I did use some neutral times to say, "this works for me," but that's as far as I ever went.

[Knitting Mama]

I'm guilty of stepping in but only after a couple of minutes of Cecilia wailing. Generally my stepping in is more of a suggestion, like "with me she generally prefers xyz."

[Marsupialmom]

Originally Posted by hakeber

I know, ladies. He is really good with the kids, but sometimes he struggles when they are in meltdown phase. All his sensibilities go out the window, and just let me TRY to give advice...he thinks I'm questioning his very manhood.

So frustrating.

I went in right after writing this poll...I couldn't take it anymore. Didn't help his confidence at all that she stopped crying the instant I made eye contact with her. He sees her all the time, it's just that he doesn't smell like me, and today he was watching the Spain Paraguay match at the pub so he came back smelling of cigarette smoke and beer, which probably didn't help her mood.

I never new how annoying those suggestions were until I got a few. Plus their way never worked for me. I wasn't daddy.

[happysmileylady]

I voted as long as he needs, but really, it just depends on the situation. Sometimes baby just wants mommy (and sometimes, it's Daddy-my 1.5 yr old is a total Daddy's girl, I was NOT allowed to put her to bed tonight: ) and if I feel that that is the situation, I will step in. Or, if I feel that something about him specifically is setting her off-the cig smoke smell would be one of those things. Other times, I feel it's about him learning and gaining confidence in how to take care of the little one, and her learning that mommy isn't the only comfort giver.

[nola79]

I voted 5-15 min, but it's def closer to 5. Not that I'm worried about the baby, he does wonderful with her and they have a close bond already but sometimes she just wants her mama.
I will say, though, that we for sure take turns. He usually waits about the same time period if the situation is reversed.

[karika]

I believe that a baby expects only momma for a very long time after birth. I am the primary caregiver for everything until a child is very verbal, say around 3. For my children, they wanted the male to hold them as a child as they slept quite a bit, but that was about it. If my baby or child cries or expresses discomfort with anyone or anything, I change what is happening immediately. Men are support for mother and child IMO. I expect the male to make and bring me food and clean the house pretty much. I do everything for the baby. Men are the first social experience for the baby and they generally come into play more when the child is late 2- early 3 according to attachment parenting philosophy based on psychology of the child and their hardwiring. I was looking for the article I read that supports this, but didn't find it readily and I need to eat. It was on this site I am pretty sure http://naturalchild.org/articles/

[Nicole730]

I voted as long as he wants...but that is usually not very long. He lets DD fuss with him for only a few minutes before he hands her off to me. If I am preoccupied, I'm more likely to not step in, but if I'm not, I'll probably take her back sooner rather than later because I know she will calm right down.

[stik]

When my partner is dealing with an upset baby, he is actively looking for a solution to their problems. If he thinks that solution might involve me, he will let me know very, very quickly.

I think close and trusting relationships with both parents are vital to my family's health and happiness. Consequently, I let dh have all the time he feels he needs to solve a problem. He offers me the same courtesy. Typically, we turn to each other for help pretty quickly.

Karika, I would be interested in seeing that article when you get a chance to post a link.

[Shera971]

Originally Posted by karika

I believe that a baby expects only momma for a very long time after birth. I am the primary caregiver for everything until a child is very verbal, say around 3. For my children, they wanted the male to hold them as a child as they slept quite a bit, but that was about it. If my baby or child cries or expresses discomfort with anyone or anything, I change what is happening immediately. Men are support for mother and child IMO. I expect the male to make and bring me food and clean the house pretty much. I do everything for the baby. Men are the first social experience for the baby and they generally come into play more when the child is late 2- early 3 according to attachment parenting philosophy based on psychology of the child and their hardwiring. I was looking for the article I read that supports this, but didn't find it readily and I need to eat. It was on this site I am pretty sure http://naturalchild.org/articles/

I have to completely disagree with this post and am actually offended on my DH's behalf. My DH is much more than just "the male" in OUR children's lives at any age. Sure at the moment, I'm the only one that can feed DS2 (at one month old) but DH is super at cuddles, changing, singing, smiling etc etc. I thnk the incredibly close relationship he has with DS1 has a lot to do with how involved he was/is from birth to the 5 yo DS1 is now. My DH would be heart broken if he was just relagated to "help status" with just cleaning house and bringing me food for the first 3 years of their lives.

[liliaceae]

Well it depends on the situation, but I wouldn't let my baby suffer needlessly if all she wanted was Mama. If I can easily make my baby stop crying, I will. And my DH would agree with me.

[cristeen]

I think it really depends - on the child's temperament, mood, age. I don't think I'd even tolerate 5 minutes of steady crying, unless I knew that he was cranky/tired/hurting and that really nothing daddy was doing was going to make it better/worse. During times when he's not cranky/tired/hurting, I don't know that DH has ever had a real problem calming him down, though.

I do try to leave him to his own devices. Like I'll be in the kitchen while he's on baby duty. If I hear crying, I try to gauge severity. A simple cry of frustration or tired he can deal with just fine. If it's a cry of pain I'll give it a few seconds to see if daddy is sufficient or if mommy is going to need to step in. Oftentimes it might take a little longer for daddy, but he does fine, and sometimes my stepping in can even make things worse.

[texmati]

DS gets left with daddy quite a bit, so he's pretty comfortable. for putting him to bed, I have a 2 minute rule-- if he's crying for 2 minutes, then I go in. But normally he stops before that.