a little vent

[Avani]

My baby is turning one in a few weeks which is super exciting. Her dad hasn't really been involved and has played a lot of games with me which has been drama inducing and painful. For the most part we have no communciation. However we live in a small town and we see him often. He has majority custody of his son and we see them all over town together. It still hurts that he takes such good care of his one kid and has nothing to do with this sweet little baby. So with her birthday coming up i find out he made plans during her birthday to go across cross country with his son and girlfriend to visit her family. Which, well, stings you know? I asked him if he wanted to see her at all to wish her a happy birthday, then found out about them leaving town, which is convenient timing and he said even if he was in town he wouldn't see her. I wish it didn't hurt but my family sees him with his girlfriend and son acting like a little family and yet here is his daughter that he refuses to acknowledge. His facebook picture is his girlfriend, him and his son. He has been telling me he is unemployed and broke and i found out he is working as a preschool teacher. He and his girlfriend took his son camping for an entire week last week and then are now leaving town for another full week. I wish it didn't bother me. I know i can go file child support but the other week i asked him if he would start providing monthly money on his own or i could just go through child support and he suddenly threatend to go file for joint custody if i did file for child support. Gross. He lives in two homes, takes all these vacations, completly ignores our baby and it just seems so wrong. If i file for child support he says he will fight for half custody. How many men pull that? Preying on the vulnerabilty of mama's who don't want to see their babies go to another home with the dad and girlfriend for 3-4 days out of a week. I just want to let go, it just feels so imbalanced. If i file for financial support he will file for half custody? If i stay quiet he just acts like we don't exist while he and his girlfriend continue their extravagant lifestyle. Yuck. Thanks for listening. I really just needed to say it. He is actually a good dad, i've seen it with his son which is why it bothers me so much! I offered for him to spend time with the baby daily getting to know her and building to more time but he refused. He said he will only go for half custody and raise the baby with his girlfriend if i attempt to get child support.

[Purple*Lotus]

I saw this in "New Posts" and just had to respond. I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I am sad for your precious child. I am sure that other Mamas here will have better advice for you, but I just wanted to offer a hug.

[Latte Mama]

I know that it's scary but I might just call his bluff. I doubt he'd really get 50/50 after NO attempt to see his child at all for a year!!! I'm sure other mamas will chime in but that just seems far fetched. I think that judges recognize that ploy for what it is or at least i hope they do?

Sorry mama, and hugs to you and your little girl.

[Avani]

Yes, i just don't even want to go there, you know. Taking that chance. I offered to build up a schedule with him from the point she was born. Start with an hour and as they bond do more but he only tried a few times and didn't like that she wouldn't go to him and she screamed for me.

[PoppyMama]

I'm with Avani. I wouldn't be shocked if he did get quite a bit of time working up to split and it wouldn't be something I would risk. Sorry he's such a UAV. I don't care how good he is to one child, the way he is acting to you and your child loses him all his points in my book.

[Avani]

Thanks, i just don't want it to make me sad anymore! Seriously i no longer want to be affected by this man and his girlfriend any longer. I looked through some of my older posts and i just sound pathetic. I want my babe to have the dad that i see him be but the reality is he just ignores her and plays games with me. Very sadistic in a way. I chose to have her and i chose to live here in this small town so i'm just trying to come to terms with it. I just wish i didn't have to see him everywhere with his girlfriend and son and knowing all the fun things they are doing. And her birthday well, what kind of a papa would knowingly leave town with his girlfriend during his little babes birthday? I guess that same kind of man that has done everything he has already done to us. Time to let go and move on.

[violet_]

I guess I'm confused as to what you want. Do you want him to just be a paycheck and have no visitation? It sounds like you're offended that he ignores his daughter, but then you don't want him to have shared custody, either. How much custody do you want him to have?

Also, I'd be a lot more offended about a dad missing any other birthday, but at age 1, the kid has no idea, so it's really a holiday all about the parents, and it sounds like he doesn't want to celebrate that with you right now. That is not a big deal, so try not to let it get you down.

[PoppyMama]

Really ? She doesn't want a man who will only have contact with the little girl if hes raising her with a woman who hates avani and tried to get her to abort to get split custody. What's confusing about that? He refuses to acknowledge his daughter or provide any support for her but that's not that big of a deal? I really wish people who have never been single mothers and had to face these choices would think more carefully before they post here.
Posted via Mobile Device

[Avani]

Actually i thought it was quite reasonable and fair of me to offer him from the point of her birth to start visiting with her 1-2 hours a day and as they bonded and got to know each other we could do longer stretches. He tried a few times and then stopped. At the point that i asked him for child support he said he would go for 50/50 custody if i were to file. I want him to be a part of her life but not because it is in retaliation to my filing for child support. I think building a bond would be healthier for the baby then throwing her into a 50/50 custody schedule with a man who she doesn't know and who is only out for revenge against me. I also offered a few days a week and work up to overnights but he said his girlfriend would never allow that. I've been beyond reasonable.

You're right i shouldn't be offended that he is going out of his way to leave town with his girlfriend during his babies first birthday. I mean he missed the birth too but she won't have memory of that either so no biggie. He missed every holiday, bought his son a million toys for christmas but didn't so much as offer a package of diapers for our baby. But hey she won't remember so no big deal.

[Avani]

Thanks Poppy. I have a recent voice mail from his girlfriend calling me names and telling me to leave her man alone. She would make a great stepmom. Oh, have I mentioned he and his girlfriend are preschool teachers here in town?

[yarngoddess]

Number One- Start a Journal. Write down date, time and detail over encounter with her or him. Every Time. If you can email, then print copies each time. Start keeping records of these things going on. Wow.

I had a post posted, but after reading your latest update my post made no sense. Get a Lawyer and start planning strategy. Keep your records, keep your journal, keep ALL that info you can.

Mama's and Dad's function every day with custody agreements, and you and your baby will too!

[LoveOhm]

Since I am in an interesting mood with regard to uninvolved dad's I would say meet his threat ---- tell him 1) he can go thru the courts as his wish for custody, and you will match for child support 2) you will go thru the courts for child support and come what may of his response or 3) he can sign over his rights as a parent to this baby girl.......

If you are not into any of those three then I say LET GO, BREATHE DEEPLY and MOVE ON. Really he is not worth your time.

[Avani]

You know he offered to sign off his rights and when i replied great let's go to a lawyer and make it legal he freaked out. Since then he won't reply to me asking him to. Oh wait, once he replied, yeah you wish. I had a conversation with him a few weeks back about sharing custody and he just laughed at me. He has a good friend who is very angry at his ex wife for leaving him but they share custody and switch kids every day. I told him that they were capable of it even though there was still a lot of hard feelings. He just laughed again. As far as asking for child support i wonder how much of a joke it would be. He put the houses in his girlfriends name, his car and all assets in her name. He works as a preschool teacher but when i mentioned filing child support he quit. They are taking lots of vacations this summer and have lots of money but he is smart and keeps it out of the bank. So i could end up with a nothing support order. Then i would have named him as father, giving him equal rights to the baby and i could possibly end up with nothing.

Honestly i was just feeling sad that this all turned out this way. I have two friends who met their partners at the same time i met him and we all got pregnant within a few months apart and those two friends are now married to their partners and are so happy. It just hurts my situation ended this badly. And how he ignores his own baby in public yet flaunts his fantastic relationship with his son. His girlfriend always causes me problems and spreads gossip about me. I'm so over it. I just don't want to be affected by it anymore! My only intention was to get this off my chest and really i don't know what i'm going to do in regards to all of this but i do know that laying low feels fine right now. I'm just ready for the hurt to stop.

[JamieB]

Originally Posted by violet_

I guess I'm confused as to what you want. Do you want him to just be a paycheck and have no visitation? It sounds like you're offended that he ignores his daughter, but then you don't want him to have shared custody, either. How much custody do you want him to have?

Also, I'd be a lot more offended about a dad missing any other birthday, but at age 1, the kid has no idea, so it's really a holiday all about the parents, and it sounds like he doesn't want to celebrate that with you right now. That is not a big deal, so try not to let it get you down.

Actually I think she was pretty clear about what she wanted. She wants her ex to be a part of her DD's life. Which is why she made the effort for them to bond when her DD was a newborn. I guess *i'm* confused as to how you missed that. She also wants financial support, which I think most people would agree is pretty reasonable. What she doesn't want is for her daughter to become a tool that her ex uses to get revenge on her for filing for child support. And another thing she doesn't want is for her DD to have to all of a sudden start spending 50% of her time with someone who is basically a stranger. Again, seems reasonable.

She gets to decide what is a big deal to her. I think most people would be upset in that situation.

Originally Posted by Avani

You're right i shouldn't be offended that he is going out of his way to leave town with his girlfriend during his babies first birthday. I mean he missed the birth too but she won't have memory of that either so no biggie. He missed every holiday, bought his son a million toys for christmas but didn't so much as offer a package of diapers for our baby. But hey she won't remember so no big deal.

You have every right to be upset about her birthday. I'm so sorry that you're going through this

[violet_]

Originally Posted by Avani

Actually i thought it was quite reasonable and fair of me to offer him from the point of her birth to start visiting with her 1-2 hours a day and as they bonded and got to know each other we could do longer stretches. He tried a few times and then stopped. At the point that i asked him for child support he said he would go for 50/50 custody if i were to file. I want him to be a part of her life but not because it is in retaliation to my filing for child support. I think building a bond would be healthier for the baby then throwing her into a 50/50 custody schedule with a man who she doesn't know and who is only out for revenge against me. I also offered a few days a week and work up to overnights but he said his girlfriend would never allow that. I've been beyond reasonable.

You're right i shouldn't be offended that he is going out of his way to leave town with his girlfriend during his babies first birthday. I mean he missed the birth too but she won't have memory of that either so no biggie. He missed every holiday, bought his son a million toys for christmas but didn't so much as offer a package of diapers for our baby. But hey she won't remember so no big deal.

I didn't say you weren't reasonable -- I asked what sort of custody arrangement you wanted. I don't know this guy at all and I don't know your history. I just asked what you wanted, since it started out a rant about how he ignores her, and then a complaint that he may want joint custody. For what it's worth, if you've offered him tons of contact and he's ignored every opportunity, then he won't be getting 50/50. I agree with the others who say to document it all.

And my comment about the birthday was just to point out that, yes, it may be frustrating or offensive to you, but truly, that's obviously not his priority, and the court isn't likely to care if you were offended, but rather if his daughter is being hurt. So, from that perspective, thinking about the daughter, not you, missing the birthday is truly no big deal this year. Later years are different.

[Avani]

I'd be willing to bet a judge would care that a father would purposefully leave town during his daughter's first bday just so he could go to his girlfriend's families bbq. On top of that i offered him time on her bday and he told me that even if he was in town he still wouldn't see her on his bday. I have several text messages where he tells me he has money for me but i need to go to his house for it. I refuse and offer her bank acct for a direct deposit. He refused. After two weeks i ask him again to deposit the money and he says i have to go to his house. So i drove over there, he was shocked, his friends were there, i asked him for child support money and he said he spent the money because i told him i didn't want it. One day he blocked me in the parking lot of our kids school and starts yelling at me, in front of the school (lots of children) that he is working his a$$ to take care of me and our baby and that i should understand he can't see the baby because of that. At one point he said if i filed child support he would never see the baby again. That turned into joint custody. That's what i'm dealing with. He tells his friends i'm psycho and i won't let him see the baby. He's traveling all summer with his son and girlfriend and i'm raising our daughter with no help or support. And if i do file he offers to go for 50/50 custody just to get out of child support.

[lucysmom]

Agree with Violet. Unless you are truly ready to walk away from him on behalf or yourself and your daughter, I would call his bluff, seek support, and expect that a court will not award 50/50 custody or residential time in light of how he has handled the past year. Even if 50/50 is awarded, he may not actually exercise it.

[Avani]

A complaint about 50/50? I said that i asked for child support and he said fine i will file for joint custody. As in he has spent a total of 2 hours in her entire life with her and the only reason why he would file for joint custody is to avoid paying any money. Do you have any idea how many men pull that trick to avoid paying child support? I was not complaining i was disgusted and in awe that he truly is like that. Yes, call his bluff. Sounds so easy huh? Look at StephandOwen. Know how many men call bluffs a million times and then all the sudden the bluff becomes a reality. How would you feel handing over a little nursling baby to a man who doesn't know her at all and he put you thru hell during your pregnancy for let's say( just to be minimal with a courts decision) 2 days and 2 nights ? Where you couldn't even visit or check up on your baby. Couldn't nurse or comfort? Every week, over and over. This is a very tricky situation, there is a very fine line that can get crossed once you file court papers or child support against a man who threatens alot and is seemingly unstable. He may not file, but he could. WOuld you take that chance?

[lucysmom]

I did, yes. By which I mean, I ran the risk of taking a custody situation through the court process rather than trying to sort it out informally, because informally was, in the end, worse. I guess what I'm saying (and I think what Violet was saying, perhaps) is that you sound pretty unhappy with the status quo. the question is whether you risk more by doing nothing, than by taking some proactive steps. Obviously, only you can decide what priorities are most important to you. But if child support is at least somewhat important, getting her dad to take responsibility for her is at least somewhat important, and you do actually favor her dad having some role in her life (which I think is commendable), filing sure seems like a reasonable way to proceed.

I think 50/50 under the circumstances you can describe, and which it sounds like you can document, is awfully unlikely (and same for StephandOwen -- it's a pain she is going to have to respond, but it seems overwhelmingly likely she will rebuff her ex's ridiculous position). Sure, crazy things can happen. But on the other hand, you really don't like the current reality either, right?? And it's a certainty!

It is true that sometimes, the court process does not end as it should. But often, the fear of the unknown causes people to stay frozen in an unacceptable current reality. You haven't mentioned if you are consulting a lawyer on this, but a good picture of how local judges are likely to respond to a 50/50 request when the dad barely knows the toddler, and when it only comes up in response to a support request, would sure be enlightening.

I get that you are venting and not necessarily looking for an action plan. Just urging you not to get cowed by the 50/50 threat unless you have good specific advice from people familiar with the local legal landscape that it is at all plausible that 50/50 might be granted at this juncture.

Good luck --

[Avani]

I did consult a lawyer. He told me that since the father isn't on the birth certificate i should just let it go. Only because even the lawyer says you just never know how a judge will order. If he is having a bad day you might end up with 50/50 custody. The dad has some things going on and makes a living in a different way then most people do and therefore a majority of his income is not possible to trace. However it is normal here where i live and wouldn't make a difference in a custody case. But in child support it just means he is unemployed and oh has no money for support. Kinda vague but most people here know what i'm talking about.