My 2 DSDs are with us for the summer. A is 13 1/2 and M is 11. DH an I also have a 5 month old son. Before they arrived I had visions of the fun things we would do this summer, the different learning experiences I would introduce them to, of bonding with them. I had anticipated they may be jealous of their new baby brother and I was very careful to give them attention and involve them. I brainstormed lots of ways to make the transition easier for them, such as regular alone time with their dad and occasionally time with me without their brother. However, I've found the jealousy has nothing to do with the new baby and everything to do with each other. The girls love their brother. They argue about who gets to hold him, change his diapers, pick out his clothes, etc. They also argue about everything else. It seems that they can't be in the same room without arguing. A says horribly cruel things to M. They resort to physical violence. A hit M while M was holding the baby. Another time they were arguing over whose turn it was to hold the baby and M forcefully shoved the baby at A. They've also resorted to throwing hard objects.
I am alone with them while DH is at work and I really value my time with them. I view it as an opportunity to help them sort through the emotions causing their rivalry. However, I'm at a loss as to how to help them. Ideally, I want to approach it from an Attachment Parent perspective. I don't view it as a step-parent/stepchild issue, really, as we generally have a great relationship. Meanwhile, the violence and constant rivalry (literally from the moment they wake up) takes every ounce of energy and patience I have. I've talked with them so many times on the importance of respect, not only respect of their elders (and their elders respect of them) but respecting each other. I apply natural consequences (during the days DH is at work) such as if there is any violence we are not going out to do the planned activity of the day because I won't take children who are hitting each other out in public. For the most part, the physical violence has calmed down--only to be replaced by verbally bashing each other and arguing.
I lack experience dealing with older children's issues. I know that with puberty comes lots of emotions, but I don't think they should be arguing to this extent. It's upsetting to the entire home. I've been so stressed that it affects me physically. I feel like I am a ball of nerves most days and I try to mask that to the extent possible. I'm used to maintaining a peaceful home. Violence is completely unacceptable to me. I cringe each time I hear them say mean things to each other, such as "M, You're stupid. You can't dance. You can't sing. You'll never be as good as me, so stop trying. You're evil and of the devil. I wish you were never born..."
Please give all the advice you can as to how DH and I can lovingly restore the positive energy in our home. How do we teach them to be respectful of each other's space, thoughts, feelings, interests? How do we show them they are each equally loved for their unique attributes and that they can share some of the same talents (such as a talent for singing or drawing). I tell them there is lots of room for many people to be talented and gifted in certain areas and that another person's talents or attributes don't take away from our own. How do we help them to learn to be supportive of each other as young women?
Advice and book recommendations are welcome. For what it's worth, their bio mom has been encountering the same difficulties with them and has expressed an interest in working together in co-parenting. I would love to have some attachment parenting ideas to bring to the table.
Thanks!
I am alone with them while DH is at work and I really value my time with them. I view it as an opportunity to help them sort through the emotions causing their rivalry. However, I'm at a loss as to how to help them. Ideally, I want to approach it from an Attachment Parent perspective. I don't view it as a step-parent/stepchild issue, really, as we generally have a great relationship. Meanwhile, the violence and constant rivalry (literally from the moment they wake up) takes every ounce of energy and patience I have. I've talked with them so many times on the importance of respect, not only respect of their elders (and their elders respect of them) but respecting each other. I apply natural consequences (during the days DH is at work) such as if there is any violence we are not going out to do the planned activity of the day because I won't take children who are hitting each other out in public. For the most part, the physical violence has calmed down--only to be replaced by verbally bashing each other and arguing.
I lack experience dealing with older children's issues. I know that with puberty comes lots of emotions, but I don't think they should be arguing to this extent. It's upsetting to the entire home. I've been so stressed that it affects me physically. I feel like I am a ball of nerves most days and I try to mask that to the extent possible. I'm used to maintaining a peaceful home. Violence is completely unacceptable to me. I cringe each time I hear them say mean things to each other, such as "M, You're stupid. You can't dance. You can't sing. You'll never be as good as me, so stop trying. You're evil and of the devil. I wish you were never born..."
Please give all the advice you can as to how DH and I can lovingly restore the positive energy in our home. How do we teach them to be respectful of each other's space, thoughts, feelings, interests? How do we show them they are each equally loved for their unique attributes and that they can share some of the same talents (such as a talent for singing or drawing). I tell them there is lots of room for many people to be talented and gifted in certain areas and that another person's talents or attributes don't take away from our own. How do we help them to learn to be supportive of each other as young women?
Advice and book recommendations are welcome. For what it's worth, their bio mom has been encountering the same difficulties with them and has expressed an interest in working together in co-parenting. I would love to have some attachment parenting ideas to bring to the table.
Thanks!
And oooh: we were (are?) so competitive!!! It was ridiculous; still is. Would family counseling be an option for you all this summer? My parents started that with my sister after I had left for college, and I'm not sure how much it helped her, but it really helped my parents to deal with my sister's moods and actions in a much more final and positive way.
Follow Mothering