Adopting my niece - want to talk to others in sim sit

[jpaigeadams]

After my brother was killed by a drunk driver. My niece is just a few months older than my older child (almost 4). Looking for other families who have adopted a child from within their own family. Thanks.

[pumpkingirl71]

I am so sorry for your loss.

I adopted my neice. She is four months older than my son. The closeness in age was very hard.

[lauren]

I'm sure lots of kinship care parents will come along here. I think the holiday weekend (U.S.) has everyone busy.

[Teensy]

Where is your niece's mother in this?

My in-laws adopted my niece (their grand-daughter). My SIL is a drug addict. The child's father is (short version) unknown and was noticed of the TPR by publication. My father-in-law died two years ago, so now my MIL is raising my niece (she's been adopted by by MIL, so legally I guess that makes her my sister-in-law also, but I and everyone else consider her as a niece).

My niece stays with us occasionally and if anything ever happens to my MIL, she would come live with us, so it is a possibility I've given some thought.

OP - What sort of questions or concerns do you have?

[AndVeeGeeMakes3]

I adopted my niece. She's our only child. I'll be happy to answer any questions you have on navigating kinship adoption.

In the meantime, blessings to you on the growth of your family!

[jpaigeadams]

Thanks for your replies! I guess I was just wanting to talk to others in similar situations - support mostly, as I just don't know anyone who has done this. Also, some specific questions:
-what do you say when people ask "Are all these yours?!" (I have 2 of my own, so 3 with my niece)
-how/when to talk about her father (dead) and mother (parental rights were court-terminated)
-how has it affected your family dynamics, both immediate and extended
-this is probably a general adoption-type of question - how to make things "fair" - I am just very aware of trying to make sure my oldest doesn't always get things first, or get the most of anything, etc.
-how to suddenly make room in my heart and my kids' hearts for this sweet girl; I saw her only a few times a year before this year, now all of a sudden she's with us 24/7
-I feel guilty that my kids now get less of my attention - how do I deal with this internally?
-should we see a family therapist?

Pumpkingirl71, can I PM you? I'm in Mass also.

[pumpkingirl71]

Originally Posted by jpaigeadams

Thanks for your replies! I guess I was just wanting to talk to others in similar situations - support mostly, as I just don't know anyone who has done this. Also, some specific questions:
-what do you say when people ask "Are all these yours?!" (I have 2 of my own, so 3 with my niece)
-how/when to talk about her father (dead) and mother (parental rights were court-terminated)
-how has it affected your family dynamics, both immediate and extended
-this is probably a general adoption-type of question - how to make things "fair" - I am just very aware of trying to make sure my oldest doesn't always get things first, or get the most of anything, etc.
-how to suddenly make room in my heart and my kids' hearts for this sweet girl; I saw her only a few times a year before this year, now all of a sudden she's with us 24/7
-I feel guilty that my kids now get less of my attention - how do I deal with this internally?
-should we see a family therapist?

Pumpkingirl71, can I PM you? I'm in Mass also.

Sure, you can PM me : ) I think a therapist is a good idea, finding the right fit can be very hard and take a long time.

[CherryBombMama]

my parents adopted my cousin (my moms sisters son) but i lived at home before getting married so i feel like i can answer some of these ....

Originally Posted by jpaigeadams

Thanks for your replies! I guess I was just wanting to talk to others in similar situations - support mostly, as I just don't know anyone who has done this. Also, some specific questions:
-what do you say when people ask "Are all these yours?!" (I have 2 of my own, so 3 with my niece)
My mom would generally answer "yes." and smile. it was a bit different for us, though, because we are mexican american and he half black. I always say, "this is my brother" and never go into details unless its 1) away from him (he is six) and 2) if they are somebody is is semi important, like my dh side of the family, close co workers, etc...
-how/when to talk about her father (dead) and mother (parental rights were court-terminated)
we let him ask the questions. once in a while, he might ask, "where is Cindy?" and my mom will explain that she is living somewhere where kids are not safe and that we hope she gets help, but that at the same time, we love him so much and are so happy he is with us.
-how has it affected your family dynamics, both immediate and extended
Most extended family does not understand. they think he is "favored" because we do treat him differently, but only because he has ADHD, was a drug baby, so he has symptoms of that, autistic tendencies, etc ... but of course, no one gets it. for immediate family, my dad and younger brother have a hard time with him, and i feel like its because he looks different than us, and because of the behavioral problems. but that might not be your case... but those two reasons, not necessarily the fact that he is adopted, is what causes stress in the males of my family
-this is probably a general adoption-type of question - how to make things "fair" - I am just very aware of trying to make sure my oldest doesn't always get things first, or get the most of anything, etc.
hhmmm.... not sure .... we have an age difference, he is six, my next brother is 16, then the next is 21 and i am 23...
-how to suddenly make room in my heart and my kids' hearts for this sweet girl; I saw her only a few times a year before this year, now all of a sudden she's with us 24/7
for us, we got him as a baby, and i know i immediately fell in love with him. my mom had to bond a few nights, the rest of the family took a year or so to really feel like he was "ours." i guess its up to time
-I feel guilty that my kids now get less of my attention - how do I deal with this internally?
cant help you there, mama
-should we see a family therapist?
yes! my family REALLY needs to

Pumpkingirl71, can I PM you? I'm in Mass also.

[AndVeeGeeMakes3]

Snipping where I have input:

Originally Posted by jpaigeadams

-how/when to talk about her father (dead) and mother (parental rights were court-terminated)

We haven't had the occasion to talk to VeeGee about her bfather at all -- not sure when/how that will come as he may as well be dead in terms of the info we have about him and his interest in contact. As to bmom, she's seen her a few times, and I've said things like, "You used to live with A, do you remember?" To that, she had a very violent negative reaction, so we've just talked about her as she is, functionally, to VeeGee (aunt, though we don't use the word "Aunt," just her name). I am, however, talking about adoption as often as possible, just so that she will never be blindsided nor think there's anything particularly out of the ordinary.
-how has it affected your family dynamics, both immediate and extended Well, we had a very difficult time at first with the birthfamily (my husband's grandparents, VeeGee's great grandparents). They simply didn't understand that we couldn't just be permanent babysitters, that we needed to make it more formal than that. I think they thought it would change their relationship with and access to VeeGee. And, for a while, it did, since they could not respect my new role as VeeGee's mom. It's smoothed out now, and, frankly, is as peaceful as I can imagine it being.

-how to suddenly make room in my heart and my kids' hearts for this sweet girl; I saw her only a few times a year before this year, now all of a sudden she's with us 24/7 I think this is a common question, even for people outside of kinship adoption. I'd only seen VeeGee twice myself before bringing her home. It took a while for our relationship to grow, for her to attach, and for me to attach. I think that's totally normal. There are still moments where I wonder if a particular reaction on her, or my, part is because of the "unnatural" beginning of our relationship. In terms of making room, I think that it just happens. Yes, there is a measure of consciousness that you must (will) bring to your interactions, but I imagine that it will grow to feel more and more natural as time passes. The fact will remain, however, that you just will have a different type of relationship with her -- not better or worse, just different.
-should we see a family therapist? YESSSSSSSS..