My mother fed my vegetarian toddler hamburger : (

[GreenGranolaMama]

She did this while I was using the bathroom at a barbecue we were at today and then come to find out, last time he was at her house, she fed him Kraft Mac and Cheese and Crystal light (when I am VERY clear about what he is to eat and not eat AND I ALWAYS send food with him!!!!). This is the first time that I know of that she has disregarded me in terms of foods for him. Today she said "I fed him part of my hamburger and he LOVED IT so there."

I'm so upset and angry- my Mother is pretty toxic for other reasons (I completely cut off communication while in college) but it had appeared that she had come around and was ok enough again for me to maintain a relationship with. We also ended up moving closer to where she is living. She is back on a downward slope again, and our close proximity is making it harder to distance myself like I did in school.


I'm completely and totally grossed out by her behavior- Should I tell her that unless she follows our dietary guidelines, he is no longer to visit with her? I really wanted to scream at her during the party, but I didn't want to make a scene

[suddenlyamama]

oh man, that stinks. It is really hard to deal with family and dietary issues. Try and remember that what happens at home is what counts the most. Obviously she has crossed a boundary that you have clearly set, but from experience, when people (who are exactly like this in my life) act in such a way, I find it easier to show feelings of hurt and dissapointment rather than anger. She knows you will be angry, but does she know how much it means to you, and it never hurts to remind.
I am sorry you are dealing with this. Best of luck.

[Baby_Cakes]

Originally Posted by GreenGranolaMama

I'm completely and totally grossed out by her behavior- Should I tell her that unless she follows our dietary guidelines, he is no longer to visit with her? I really wanted to scream at her during the party, but I didn't want to make a scene

I would.

This is betrayal. You trust her to follow your rules, and if your family doesn't eat meat and she feeds your child meat, that is against the rules. No more unsupervised visits unless she agrees to follow your rules.

If my MIL or mother did this we wouldn't visit for awhile, and no way would DD be left alone w/her!

Being veg for ethical reasons is much bigger than she realizes. Some people really don't understand vegetarianism and think that it's no big deal to have a "little bit" of meat here or there. That's not how it is!!

UGHHGH! I'm livid for you!

[baglady]

If your mom is toxic, then I think it's more than a dietary issue. If you weren't a vegetarian, she'd find another way to assert herself. I don't know all of the details of your relationship, but from your description it sounds like she's trying to make you angry. So as pp mentioned, I wouldn't approach it from anger. I'd try something like, "I'm really hurt that you won't respect my wishes for my child." I'd do visits in your home only if that's possible. That way there's nothing there your child can't eat.

It would make me furious by the way. It's so hard to know how to react to passive aggression.

[texmati]

I would be livid.

If it were me, I wold tell her that since she can't follow your dietery guidlines, she won't be having any more unsupervised visits.

Why give her anymore chances?

[lifeguard]

I guess for me it would be more about why you have the dietary rules you do. There are many things I prefer ds does not eat but quite frankly there is nothing he is allergic too & very little that I really feel is very wrong for him to have so I tend to let it slide with grandparents 'cause they take such pleasure in feeding him (don't understand this at all but it is definitely the case).

Those things I feel strongly about I definitely make sure they are clear on it & fully expect them to follow along & would confront them if they didn't.

[aramat]

Since it does sound like more than a simple dietary issue, I'd definitely look for ways to reassert healthy boundaries with this woman. I'm sorry; I have issues with my own mother, and it's just no fun at all--sometimes feeling like the only adult in the relationship... As mentioned by a previous poster, if it wasn't this, it sounds like it would be something else. Did she really say "so there" at the end? Ugh!

[Mrs.Music]

I would be livid. My mom is the SAME way. Of course your kid liked it... He's a kid. He doesn't know better. She is an adult and should behave like one. And have the respect for you to treat you like she would anyone else. I'd lay down the rules with her. Make it very clear (in a calm way) how very hurt and angry you are that she would go against your beliefs with YOUR child (not hers) especially after you made it so easy for her to follow your wishes. Tell her that you wish to maintain a close relationship but your child is obviously your first priority and if she is going to undermine you and your values, your first duty is to protect him and you'll have to cut off contact. And then follow through.

I bet this is hard.

[liliaceae]

Originally Posted by GreenGranolaMama

Should I tell her that unless she follows our dietary guidelines, he is no longer to visit with her?

Yes. Actually I wouldn't leave him alone with her at all, since she obviously doesn't care about your wishes regarding your own child.

[GreenGranolaMama]

Originally Posted by aramat

Since it does sound like more than a simple dietary issue, I'd definitely look for ways to reassert healthy boundaries with this woman. I'm sorry; I have issues with my own mother, and it's just no fun at all--sometimes feeling like the only adult in the relationship... As mentioned by a previous poster, if it wasn't this, it sounds like it would be something else. Did she really say "so there" at the end? Ugh!

Yeah, Mama I feel for you, I've totally been the 'adult' in our relationship since I was like 11 years old (sigh) and I'm now 24 so this UAV is getting pretty old for me.

[Mom2M]

Originally Posted by Baby_Cakes

I would.

This is betrayal. You trust her to follow your rules, and if your family doesn't eat meat and she feeds your child meat, that is against the rules. No more unsupervised visits unless she agrees to follow your rules.

If my MIL or mother did this we wouldn't visit for awhile, and no way would DD be left alone w/her!

Being veg for ethical reasons is much bigger than she realizes. Some people really don't understand vegetarianism and think that it's no big deal to have a "little bit" of meat here or there. That's not how it is!!

UGHHGH! I'm livid for you!

totally agree!! I would be furious and there would be no visiting alone.

[hakeber]

She's obviously feeling some need to assert her authority as the expert parent here.

She needs to respect your wishes as the mother. If she can't she should not have unsupervised time with your boy, no.

I would write a letter to her first to get your ideas out, maybe check out CNVC.org for guidelines of expressing yourself in ways that do not judge her actions or her as a person, but merely state the facts (not at ALL an easy thing to do when someone is interfering with your kids!), and make your feelings and NEEDS super clear to her and state precisely what the consequences of her actions are/will be should your needs not be met.

Once you have it clear, call her up and discuss it, or even go to talk face to face, whatever is easier for YOU.

That sort of passive agressive BS would not fly with me. Well done for keeping your cool in the moment and not escalating.

[lucysmom]

I would also make clear that the issue is less about the diet violation (when your child is older, he may choose to eat meat, and if he doesn't, he can enforce his own code of ethics around it -- until then, it doesn't do him any particular damage), than about the need for your mom to respect your core principles of child rearing. It may not have hurt him, but it hurts your ability to guide his upbringing, which is really important. If she would do this, how are you to know that she won't let him watch inappropriate TV content or that she won't let him swim unsupervised before he is ready? Etc.

The goal would be to take the focus off the hamburger, because she is probably objectively correct that he liked it & it didn't hurt him. It hurt your ability to parent him. And that will show up over time in lots of other areas besides diet. I would hope maybe she could hear that, and get that it isn't about whether the hamburger hurt him.

[hakeber]

Just as an aside, I'd be really surprised if the hamburger doesn't give him a tummyache as well, if he's never had meat before. My MIL gave my 6 mo ds chicken soup while I was at a work function when she was visiting (she took the meat out.) and he had diarrhea the whole next day. He too "loved it".

I'm not an ethical vegetarian, but I was going to wait until he was MUCH older to introduce meat to his diet, when he could see what mommy was eating versus what daddy ate and decide what he liked rather than have it spooned down his throat nonchalantly.

These things may seem harmless now, but can have lasting effects, especially the processed foods mentioned...ICK!

[Ann-Marita]

I wouldn't say anything. She not only disregarded your wishes on something that is important to you, her "so there" shows that there was an element of hurtfulness or spite to her actions.

I would simply not allow unsupervised visits, no warning needed.

Wait, wait. She did this WHILE YOU WERE USING THE BATHROOM?! You mean, even with you THERE, she waited until you couldn't intervene and then knowingly undermined you as a parent?!

I would be livid.

And I would never allow my child alone with her again, not even for a moment. Not until the child is much older. And if you can't even go to the bathroom while there, then visits will have to be very short.

I still don't think you have to say anything. Actions speak louder than words. Her actions spoke loud and clear, now it's your turn.

[ericswifey27]

That really is beyond belief. Outrageous, really. I am not even vegetarian and find that appaling. Like another poster said, this is about not only diet and your ethics, but about your role as parent. Definitely keep your son away from her... if she can do that while you are in the bathroom and boast about it, what is she keeping from you?

Ugh. I could so see my mother doing something similar

[Theia]

Ugh... I know the feeling. I am sorry you are experiencing this. My 2yo was given meat by my parents this past weekend. My only consolation was that it was chewed up before being obviously spit back out followed by, "I don't want to eat that." It still hasn't went through my parents brains. But for us, they are our only family and family trumps diet at this point because while my parents still push boundaries, it's not unmanageable. I do get satisfaction from watching meat products being totally refused or refused after some chewing only to be spit back out. At that point there isn't much that my parents can take action against since my 2yo (and it is done without any prompting by myself) is clearly refusing the "yummies" that are on the dinner plate and given so much more attention than the cucumber.

[bobandjess99]

Originally Posted by Ann-Marita

Wait, wait. She did this WHILE YOU WERE USING THE BATHROOM?! You mean, even with you THERE, she waited until you couldn't intervene and then knowingly undermined you as a parent?!

I would be livid.

And I would never allow my child alone with her again, not even for a moment. Not until the child is much older. And if you can't even go to the bathroom while there, then visits will have to be very short.

I still don't think you have to say anything. Actions speak louder than words. Her actions spoke loud and clear, now it's your turn.

No contact at ALL, you or him, minimum 3 months, period. Consider re-establishing contact after that time, if appropriate sincere regret is expressed on her part.

[Peacemamalove]

I just wanted to offer you so my MIL is the same way . She loved to give the kids crap she knows I won't let them have behind my back.

So we stopped going over for a while and told her we would visit again once she respected how we parent our children.

[gbailey]

Originally Posted by GreenGranolaMama

She did this while I was using the bathroom at a barbecue we were at today and then come to find out, last time he was at her house, she fed him Kraft Mac and Cheese and Crystal light (when I am VERY clear about what he is to eat and not eat AND I ALWAYS send food with him!!!!). This is the first time that I know of that she has disregarded me in terms of foods for him. Today she said "I fed him part of my hamburger and he LOVED IT so there."

I'm so upset and angry- my Mother is pretty toxic for other reasons (I completely cut off communication while in college) but it had appeared that she had come around and was ok enough again for me to maintain a relationship with. We also ended up moving closer to where she is living. She is back on a downward slope again, and our close proximity is making it harder to distance myself like I did in school.


I'm completely and totally grossed out by her behavior- Should I tell her that unless she follows our dietary guidelines, he is no longer to visit with her? I really wanted to scream at her during the party, but I didn't want to make a scene

OP,sorry about the situation but yes, he should no longer be able to visit if she can't follow and respect your parenting choices. How you feed your child is your choice not hers.

My mother says that people ignore parental food choices because in addition to being rude they feel like not giving your children certain things means you are judging their parenting skills My brother is allergic to shrimp and when we were kids our grandmother gave him shrimp anyway. She thought my mother didn't want him to have it because she just didn't want him to have it. She didn't believe he was truly allergic! Long story short, my brother had to be rushed to the emergency room. Things worked themselves out and after that my grandmother respected my mothers choices because my mother wouldn't let us go over there anymore. That didn't stop other relatives from trying to give us pork bacon and other products with lard just to spite my mothers choices.

If given the choice of respecting your choices and not spending time with her grandson...it shouldn't be a hard choice for her to make.