How do I tell my MIL not to come?

[VillageMom6]

When my previous babies were born my MIL would come stay in our house a few days before my due date, in order to be there when hubby and I needed to head off to the hospital. She would go home (200 miles away) the day after I returned.

This time, I don't want her to come. We have a complicated relationship. The early days at home with a new baby can be challenging. I seem to be half naked much of the time, trying to get breastfeeding established. I'm very weepy and full of anxiety because of the crash of hormones. I'm not comfortable having my MIL witness all that again.

The problem is, MIL recently asked hubby if we needed her to come stay and he said yes. It's been a couple of months since hubby and I last discussed whether his mother should come and at the time, I thought maybe she should. Then I gave it more thought, changed my mind and didn't share that with him.

So now she's all thrilled to be coming and I'm going to look like the bad guy by telling her I don't want her here. How does one say that tactfully??

[Lauren31]

I would just be honest with her and say you can do just fine without her and you would appreciate her visit more at say a week or two later? Like you might need her help more then? Not sure, just be nice I guess. I would think with 5 kids at home you might want her help just with watching the other kids though. Not sure what your plan is with them.

[BreakfastyMichele]

Actually, I'd ask your husband to do it, since it's his mother.

Here's what I said to my mother: Thank you for offering to do whatever we need around the birth of this baby. We've discussed it, and think the most helpful thing would be for you to come here when [husband] goes back to work, which will be about two weeks after the baby is born. I'll be alone then with a toddler and newborn, and would love you to help.

I acknowledged her desire to help, and told her how she could be most helpful. When she countered with her desire to take my toddler for our time in the hospital, I told her we already had that covered.

Good luck! I'm sorry there's so much emotional family stuff wrapped up in birthing!

[JessieBird]

I like PP's suggestion and would also add that, depending on your MIL's personality, I would encourage you to be completely honest. I was with my MIL and it worked wonders. Tell her that you feel very self-conscious about how emotional and personal those early days are and that you need the space to be weepy and naked (this is pretty much exactly what I said). Once you have had a little time to recover, her visit will both be more helpful and more enjoyable for everyone her included. She may end up relieved - I think mine was - as visiting around the time of a birth really is stressful and deep down she may prefer to come later but is offering to help because she thinks she should.

I agree that your husband may be the most appropriate person to let her know, though I can also imagine that some MILs might protest saying that they know best what a mother needs so you'll have to think about who she'll respond best to. Does DH agree with your change of heart? If so, he may have his own reasons and could "shoulder the blame" (for lack of a better word) with his own excuse if you don't feel comfortable with yours.

However you decide to handle it, do it soon! Worrying about how it's going to go over is usually way worse than the reaction you'll get. Good luck!

[forest~mama]

Originally Posted by BreakfastyMichele

Actually, I'd ask your husband to do it, since it's his mother.

[VillageMom6]

Thank you, ladies!

I talked to my husband today and he feels bad for his mom because she is so looking forward to coming. I tried... as gently as possible... to explain that while I wanted to be sensitive to her feelings, as the birthing mama, mine come first.

He suggested that she leave the day I come home from the hospital. I said that I'd prefer not to have a houseguest in the days leading up to birth. We don't need the childcare because two of my children are teens and able to run the household while we're away.

A large part of the problem is that I don't get along with my in-laws, even in the best of times. The idea of having my MIL come visit at all, any time, fills me with unease.

I appreciate your advice and will be thinking about it and praying about it before my in-laws come up this Sunday for a quick visit.

[laohaire]

Can you talk to her? Yes, it should be your DH but if he's not willing to step up to the plate, you should do it yourself rather than let it go.

I would just say that it was lovely having her there these past births, but you've found that you get tired leading up to the birth and of course after the birth you're just not up to anything but laying there and nursing. Tell her you appreciate so much that she asked first, that was great - unfortunately DH just doesn't know what it's like to be a birthing woman and didn't give it another thought. (Insert some hahaha about men, or something).

If she's offended or tries to push ("well, why don't I just come for ___ at least") I would switch to firm: "I would not ask that of you if you were looking for some quiet time. Can we plan on you coming ____" (insert some time that works for you). Yeah, that's firm, but it should stop her dead in her tracks. Either she's reasonable and she'll realize she hadn't really thought of it that way (even if she's stung... which is fine) or she's not reasonable, and, well, you don't need to cater to that.

Mama bear. Remember: you are not being rude. She is (intentionally or not) pushing you into a corner. She is the one who needs to back off, and she is the one who is putting you in that position. I do assume she is well-intentioned, but she still may need a wake-up call.