Mom There During Birth? This may be long.

[FurElise19]

In my ideal world, the only people there during our birth with be me, DH and our doula. When I expressed this, my mother flipped out. I don't mean in an angry way, I mean crying and begging to be there way. She had two wretched birth experiences where she was left alone for long periods of time and my grandmother is a lunatic who can't deal with anything. My mom keeps going on and on about how she wishes that she could have had her mother there, but that her mother was not able to handle any of it. Mom says that she just wants to be there to sit in the corner and hold my hand if I need her.

To an outside person, I understand that I seem cold and unfeeling, but my mom is completely unstable. She's been struggling with alcoholism the past few years and has turned into an emotional soup. Growing up, she was pretty stand-off-ish and controlled due to being abused as a child. I understand much of what has gone into her make-up, but still find myself in terrible anxiety because I just don't want her there. I don't want to have to be thinking about her and how she might see things. I don't want to have to censor myself or DH or anything. I know that my WANTS are not always the most important thing in situations, but I feel like I can be a little picky here, right?

Here's where I need help: How do I make my mom feel loved and needed, but not have her in the room? I need to find a way to make her feel important, but not be in my personal space during labor and delivery. Any advice is more than welcome, including if you think I can change my thinking in some way. Any help for a happy outcome is what I'm looking for!

[littlest birds]

You can't control how she feels. If she cannot understand the difference between your vision and hers, what can you really do for her. I would just emphasize your ideal is more introverted and that is just the way you are. You can't give your mom the birth she wanted.

I have had my mom there and not there for births. She doesn't really cause problems but I don't really like it either. My favorite of our birth experiences was just me and dh alone--a homebirth but the midwife was late. I was SO glad the midwife wasn't there LOL. My mom was in the house to help with kids but she was just in the living room and came in later. My sister had taken my kids to the grocery for birthday cake ingredients.

I have a friend who had everyone stay in another room, including the midwife. She and her hubby were alone in the room. Everyone else waited until they decided they wanted company.

Anyhow, how does your mom normally help you? She can be helpful in other ways but those are more chores... Could she put together a first week scrapbook or something like that?

My main point would be to let her know that you don't want to wish you'd had your special secluded birth experience when you're older. It's your turn. Either she can understand that or not but stand your ground. Good luck. I know you care how she feels and that makes it hard.

[lotusdebi]

Can she help decorate the nursery?
Shop for the big ticket items?
Help you with a belly cast or henna belly decorating or something?
Play a large part in the baby shower?
Shop for calming candles, music, etc. for laboring?
Buy baby's first lullaby cds, moblie, and special stuffed animal?
Address the envelopes for the baby announcements?
Make the phone calls to her side of the family to announce her grandchild's birth?

I never would've been okay with my mom being present for my children's births. With my first, I told my mom ahead of time that we'd need time with the baby before introducing him to the rest of the family. My husband called everyone when we were admitted to the birthing center, and she drove straight out, then had the nerve to get upset when she wasn't permitted in the room during labor or delivery, and had to wait a few hours before seeing the baby. Too bad, so sad. She had to wait until the day after my second was born (at home) to meet him, and deal with her feelings of jealousy that I had other people (closer to me) come first to help out. It has taken a lot of time, but I've found ways to assert my boundaries and not allow her to guilt me.

[lillymonster]

I never understand why people want watch a birth - it's something I can't comprehend, it's so private. I see no problem in saying no. I would never ever want my mom to join me.

Honestly a bigger help would be after the birth, cooking, cleaning, holding the baby while you take a shower. Just being there to watch my birth is not helpful to me in the least. And I would only ask her to be there after wards if she would be helpful. My MIL wants to come to help, and all she wants to do is sit and gossip about other people while holding the baby and offering to change her diapers (which is another thing I find weird)

I got off the topic, but after baby comes, you will probably need the support more than during the actual birth.

[Grace and Granola]

I totally get where your coming from. My mom is much like you described yours. She didn't beg to be there, but I knew that I needed to make her feel like she had an important role and that she was wanted. It was hard because she is pretty unreliable so I couldn't give her a job that could no go undone if she flaked out. One of the ways I made my mom feel important was I gave her a list of people to call when I was in the hospital. People that she knew or would be comfortable calling like my aunts/uncles/grandma. I made up the list ahead of time with the phone numbers and then when we were in the hospital I called and told her and then she could go ahead and make the phone calls. This way, she had something to do, PLUS she could be excited and talk about the event with the other family members. I also did things like tell her she would be the first one to call and I would call her as soon as the babe was born so she could come visit, etc.

I know it's so hard when it's your mom. Even with a not-so-great mom, I still feel a sense of attachment/obligation to her. Your birth is an important day. Don't feel selfish for asking for what you need. Just try to to so in a sensitive way.

[FurElise19]

Originally Posted by Grace and Granola

I totally get where your coming from. My mom is much like you described yours. She didn't beg to be there, but I knew that I needed to make her feel like she had an important role and that she was wanted. It was hard because she is pretty unreliable so I couldn't give her a job that could no go undone if she flaked out. One of the ways I made my mom feel important was I gave her a list of people to call when I was in the hospital. People that she knew or would be comfortable calling like my aunts/uncles/grandma. I made up the list ahead of time with the phone numbers and then when we were in the hospital I called and told her and then she could go ahead and make the phone calls. This way, she had something to do, PLUS she could be excited and talk about the event with the other family members. I also did things like tell her she would be the first one to call and I would call her as soon as the babe was born so she could come visit, etc.

I know it's so hard when it's your mom. Even with a not-so-great mom, I still feel a sense of attachment/obligation to her. Your birth is an important day. Don't feel selfish for asking for what you need. Just try to to so in a sensitive way.

Thank you so much. The sentence I bolded above is the EXACT problem I have. She begs (and I'm not exaggerating when I say she called me crying and begging) to be there or to be given something important to do, but she flakes out and it doesn't get done.

Has anyone done the "cowardly" thing and just not called to let anyone know until after the baby was born?

[laohaire]

Just an idea. What if you talked with her in some detail about her birth experiences, in a supportive way. Empathize about how she felt she didn't get the birth she wanted and how difficult that must have been for her.

And then you can - gently, so it doesn't feel like a bait and switch - tell her that you, too, want a birth you can feel safe in. But that her ideal vision is a little different from yours, you want some quiet and such. Thank her in advance for understanding and say you know she will be happy to see you have the birth you want.

She'll say "oh, but I'll just be out of the way" - "Mom. This is what I really want. I know I would want to give you the support you really wanted."

If it gets really emotional and hostile (I hope not) you can point out as gently as possible that she does not want to be her own mother, disrupting a birth - albeit in a different way. But those are big guns and I'd only drag them out if really needed.

[expat_canuck]

I don't know if this will help you at all - but my midwife actually recommended to me that my mother NOT be present at the birth. Of course, she said it was my decision, 100%, but she said that a lot of the time, in her experience, it's not helpful, especially if the birthing woman's mother had heavily medicalized or traumatic births (which mine did). Often people without natural birth experience do not know what to expect in an unmedicated/natural birth and have a hard time watching their daughters go through the birthing process. She believes that mother's anxieties for their birthing daughter's pain can be really counterproductive and she has had to tell many mothers to leave because that mother's anxiety is really powerful stuff.

My mom was hurt, at first, when I told her I preferred she wasn't present at the birth, but called me back later to tell me that, after some thought, she was actually relieved - she and my MIL can go out for the day/days and come back when called. They're both pretty happy with that and are already planning their activities for that time.

Of course, everyone is different, but maybe that is a way to talk to your mom? I don't know if you are birthing at home or birth center or hospital- but if not at home, the other option is just to tell her there's a limit on how many people can be in the room? I don't know if that little white lie might be easier than a full-on discussion in your situation.

[terra-pip]

Originally Posted by expat_canuck

I don't know if this will help you at all - but my midwife actually recommended to me that my mother NOT be present at the birth. Of course, she said it was my decision, 100%, but she said that a lot of the time, in her experience, it's not helpful, especially if the birthing woman's mother had heavily medicalized or traumatic births (which mine did). Often people without natural birth experience do not know what to expect in an unmedicated/natural birth and have a hard time watching their daughters go through the birthing process. She believes that mother's anxieties for their birthing daughter's pain can be really counterproductive and she has had to tell many mothers to leave because that mother's anxiety is really powerful stuff.

^this! this was my MIL at my first birth. Although she did not have traumatic birth experiences...she was a source of free floating anxiety at the birthing center. My MW actually sent her and my FIL and BIL away to go get something to eat because she was hovering around the hallway and my door too much...asking my MW too many questions. She said she did feel hurt that I "didn't need her" when my MW relayed a request to come in and I declined. But in labor you can't be too concerned with what others think right then. You got to focus on the task at hand.

It went way better the second child and I think this one will be good. Having my other children to watch while I'm in labor makes her feel needed and helpful.

Definitely give her some "job"...taking care of your other kids, going grocery shopping for you, cleaning something...anything to make her feel like she is "doing something".

[MissMorgan]

Originally Posted by FurElise19

Has anyone done the "cowardly" thing and just not called to let anyone know until after the baby was born?

I have decided we are doing this. No matter what we tell them about birth being private, I am willing to bet money they will just show up if they hear anything. I don't think of it as so much cowardly but as a way to get to the point: "oh look, it happened and now there is a baby so get over it!" If they are offended then they can grow up, really. Its not my job to take care of my parents emotionally.

(oh and its not MY parents - they wouldn't even ASK to be there. They have some sense of privacy. My in-laws though! pshh like they are going to hang out while I push a baby out. nope.)

[FurElise19]

Originally Posted by terra-pip

Definitely give her some "job"...taking care of your other kids, going grocery shopping for you, cleaning something...anything to make her feel like she is "doing something".

This is the frustrating thing... I can't trust her to DO anything I need her to. bah.

[Qbear'smama]

[QUOTE=expat_canuck;15590051]I don't know if this will help you at all - but my midwife actually recommended to me that my mother NOT be present at the birth. Of course, she said it was my decision, 100%, but she said that a lot of the time, in her experience, it's not helpful, especially if the birthing woman's mother had heavily medicalized or traumatic births (which mine did). Often people without natural birth experience do not know what to expect in an unmedicated/natural birth and have a hard time watching their daughters go through the birthing process. She believes that mother's anxieties for their birthing daughter's pain can be really counterproductive and she has had to tell many mothers to leave because that mother's anxiety is really powerful stuff. [QUOTE]

This! My mother is a nurse and how I thought that would be a helpful aspect, I have no idea. She was not prepared for the reality of an unmedicated birth and ended up being all directive and kind of annoying in her efforts to help. She left the room when I started pushing and, when that took a long time, actually motioned doing an episiotomy with her fingers (you know, like scissors) to the MW when she saw her out in the hall. We have not discussed it yet, but believe me, she will not be there for #2! I agree that you should tell her that you want the birth experience YOU want just like she did and that she has to respect that. My first birth freaked my mother out so much I don't even think she'll mind not being there! I agree that you are not her emotional caretaker and it sounds like having her there would not be a good move for you. Also, I have a friend who told the parents after the fact and that is a very valid choice, too. Good luck.

[MonP'titBoudain]

Originally Posted by FurElise19

Has anyone done the "cowardly" thing and just not called to let anyone know until after the baby was born?

Yes, and we had planned it that way, but it helped that my labors were at night. We just told everyone that I needed a quiet space to labor in and we'd call them when the baby had come. I had decided this after waiting with two extended families at the hospital while my SIL labored with twins down the hall. It was an awful experience. She was trying to labor w/o medication and the entire time her mother, our MIL and her oldest sister went on & on about how stupid that goal was, not to mention the insanity of expecting to nurse twins. Then everyone invaded the room immediately after they were born. SIL was barely covered, shaking and weeping and not even getting to hold her babies because everyone else is trying to take a turn. It felt like a violation.

Honestly, I don't think it's a cowardly thing to wait and call. I'm pretty introverted in that I need time and space by myself to get my head around things. It's one of my biggest reasons for laboring and birthing at home. I'd do the same thing if I was working my way through any major event in life: retreat, regroup, focus inward and come back out for contact only when I was on top of things again. Labor & birth are a lot of hard work, physically and emotionally and you *have* to be able to pull on your deepest resources.

I like the idea of having a job for your mom to do so she can feel that she is needed and is supporting you... I'm not sure what one would be that also isn't going to be a problem if she flakes. Heading up a phone tree is a good one. Maybe coordinating a few meals for the two weeks after the birth? I hope someone else can come up with some good ideas!

[zinemama]

There is absolutely no need to call anyone before the baby is born. The fact that you are in labor is not something people have a right to know. Call your best friend, sure. Let your mother know? Why would you?

There is so much about birth you cannot control. One thing you can is whether your mother is there or not. And it's very simple, too. Don't call her till you're home from the hospital. Not cowardly at all.

[forest~mama]

Originally Posted by FurElise19

Has anyone done the "cowardly" thing and just not called to let anyone know until after the baby was born?

Originally Posted by MissMorgan

I don't think of it as so much cowardly but as a way to get to the point: "oh look, it happened and now there is a baby so get over it!" If they are offended then they can grow up, really. Its not my job to take care of my parents emotionally.

I too do not see it as cowardly- we didn't feel the need to share with our families when/where we were birthing- it was private to us. My MIL works for the local hospital and had "spies" watching for us in the birth center. She was shocked when we called (the day after birth) to ask if they wanted to come meet their granddaughter. She said "What room are you in? I haven't heard anything!" Well why would she since we were home nestled in our own bed?!

[lilangelmelanie]

With my first birth, I felt like a monkey on display. EVERYONE in my family/hubby's family were in the labor room just staring at me for hours. It was AWFUL. When they sent everyone out so I could push they had to run my mom off because she wanted to stand right outside the doorway so she could hear what was going on and she was in the Drs and Nurses way. Not to mention that she felt it was her right to be the first to hold/touch/ etc with my DD. NOT the CASE.

With my second birth, I went in for an induction. Didn't tell anyone I was going. I wanted the support of my friends but couldn't bear the drama that would happen if it got back to my mom that I was in labor and she showed up. So I didn't tell a soul. We labored all day and it didn't work, sometime during the day my son turned frank breech. So we stopped everything, and scheduled a csec the first thing next am. (STUPID in my opinion, but I know better now that I could've went home and tried to get him to turn first.) Anyhow, we STILL didn't call anyone til right before the C we called our pastors wife to come and watch my 3 yr old for a bit while daddy was in surgery with me. (the hospital had let her stay over night the night before since I wasn't laboring)
As soon as surgery was over, hubby called my mom FIRST so he wouldn't have to deal with them and their drama over others knowing before them blah blah blah etc.

My mom was LIVID. but you know what, I'd do it again in a heartbeat. and no one else cared that they missed out on a day full of labor and awaiting a section etc.

My mom still doesn't mention his birth at all. I'm sure she'll flip when I tell her next time around we're planning a HBAC and no visitors until I'm ready to have them which could be 2-3 days!

[Twinklefae]

Do you have a reliable aunt or your MIL that could be her 'buddy' and make sure that her job got done? As in "I need you and Aunt Susan to call these people, they've offered to drop off meals after the baby comes."

She gets a job, Aunt Susan (or bff, or whoever) actually makes sure the work gets done. Win-win.

[FurElise19]

Originally Posted by Twinklefae

Do you have a reliable aunt or your MIL that could be her 'buddy' and make sure that her job got done? As in "I need you and Aunt Susan to call these people, they've offered to drop off meals after the baby comes."

She gets a job, Aunt Susan (or bff, or whoever) actually makes sure the work gets done. Win-win.

This is brilliant! Thank you. Not to demean anyone else, but I had been thinking of my aunt as the one who could help me after DD was born, but she's so good at dealing with my mother. How did I not think of this before? Thank you!!

[rhiOrion]

I have a good friend who was sort of stressed out and needy during my friend's labor. He really needed constant updates.

I knew things would be the same when I was in labor. So I gave him the title of "communications director" of my birth. He was the main person we sent updates to, and he updated the twitter feed and facebook, etc. Everyone was told to call this friend if they wanted updates.

It kept us from being bombarded with phone calls (though we turned our phones silent). It gave him something to do. He didn't have to be there. And it was useful.

[EA77]

For me and everyone else I know, labour/birth is an incredibly intimate and personal experience for a man and wife (or any loving partners). I realize this doesn't offer any advice for how to make your mom OK with your decision not to have her there, but hopefully it'll give you more confidence in saying "no" to her if you know that having only trained carers and partner present is absolutely the norm. The birth of your baby shouldn't be about what your mother wants, it's about yu and DH starting your family. She wasn't there for the conception; I don't see why she should be there for the birth (unless you and DH both wanted her there, of course). And I don't think anyone needs to know you're in labour either. Call your over ones once you've got news to share!