My little guy can bring out sides of me that I didn't know existed and make me respond to him in ways that are totally against my beliefs but it happens before I even have time to realize it is happening, so I can empathize.
On Saturday I had a shamanic healing session and this was something I wanted to address. It would arise so quickly in me and felt so unlike me and was so out of sync with my values that I wanted to investigate whether it could be something more, i.e. subconsious response because of the way I was parented at 3 years old (I don't remember but it's described to me to be similar to how I am reacting), past life? karma? who knows.. but I was willing to try anything.. so I had a healing session and we talked about it first. This might sound out there but stay with me
The shaman told me that she saw a family link with this kind of behaviour i.e. it was continuing for generations and she wanted to break that link.. also, she said I am a passionate person and I seperate passionate positive behaviours i.e. dance, positive expression, creativity etc. and passionate bad behaviours i.e. feeling sad, angry, hurt and I tell myself that I'm not allowed to feel those negative feelings.. however, they are part of being passionate and I have to let my son and my husband have those feelings too because it's part of the balance.
Then I laid on the massage table and she did her thing with my lower two shakras, helped my first loss go to the other side and it was a fantastic experience. I'm less than 1 week out and I've actually had little time with my son because of my mother (see other post) but I miss him soooo much when he's not here now and I have tricks that I can use to keep my sense of stillness and freedom even when my son or my husband are up to their "antics" (being stompy, whiney, intense negative emotions). This morning I felt really sad but for once I let myself feel sad and I cried and wrote what I was feeling and cried some more and then it passed. I feel better. Time and drama will tell how this works out for me.
Don't be too hard on yourself and tell yourself you are the kind of parent you want to be and feel the fresh start in this moment.