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Never wanted to be an angry mom

post #1 of 8
Thread Starter 
I never wanted to be that angry mom, but I am. I feel so guilty because I always wanted to be the calm, super patient mom who never loses her temper, spanks or is mean to her kids. But I am. It breaks my heart. What can I do to get over my anger? Counseling? Medication? Herbs?
I have 2 precious sons-4 and 1. Our 4 year old is spirited and pushes my buttons like no one has ever done. I stay at home with them and some days I just don't know if I will get through. We tried putting our 4 year old in preschool a year ago, but he screamed every day we left him. I had planned on homeschooling him anyway, but am wondering if I'm crazy for wanting to do that at this point.
I have not made any friends where we live, so I feel very lonely often. I would like to join a Mom's Group, but our older son does not like to be around a big group of kids.
Any support would be appreciated.
Thanks.
post #2 of 8
Are you on any antidepressants? You sound JUST like me before my ppd was diagnosed. Life has been much better since then. I would talk to your dr. Even if you are on meds, they may not be working. Please, talk to your dr. And, if they don't listen, talk to someone else. After dd1, I talked to both my OB and family dr and both blew me off saying I needed to get out more and exercise. Both those are true but I look back now and realize I had severe ppd. I wasn't diagnosed until 4 years later after having ds1. I went to my psychologist because I was literally screaming in dd's face every day for a month. I knew it was wrong but didn't no how to stop. She & I just battled about everything. Then add the baby that cried 24/7 on top of it and I was a wreck. But, I think I'd have been that way even without the crying baby. Got on meds (lexapro-10mg) and was better in less than 1 month.
(((hugs))) Oh, and I had always wanted to be the calm, happy mom. I've learned to accept that I'm high-strung and intense-it's my personality. SO, I'm learning to give myself a break and find ways to help deal with situations within my abilities, not comparing myself to the moms who are naturally calm & content and quiet voiced (I'm not, never have been-loud even when happy). I have also taken an anger management class through our church that helped.
Hang in there!
post #3 of 8
My little guy can bring out sides of me that I didn't know existed and make me respond to him in ways that are totally against my beliefs but it happens before I even have time to realize it is happening, so I can empathize.

On Saturday I had a shamanic healing session and this was something I wanted to address. It would arise so quickly in me and felt so unlike me and was so out of sync with my values that I wanted to investigate whether it could be something more, i.e. subconsious response because of the way I was parented at 3 years old (I don't remember but it's described to me to be similar to how I am reacting), past life? karma? who knows.. but I was willing to try anything.. so I had a healing session and we talked about it first. This might sound out there but stay with me The shaman told me that she saw a family link with this kind of behaviour i.e. it was continuing for generations and she wanted to break that link.. also, she said I am a passionate person and I seperate passionate positive behaviours i.e. dance, positive expression, creativity etc. and passionate bad behaviours i.e. feeling sad, angry, hurt and I tell myself that I'm not allowed to feel those negative feelings.. however, they are part of being passionate and I have to let my son and my husband have those feelings too because it's part of the balance.
Then I laid on the massage table and she did her thing with my lower two shakras, helped my first loss go to the other side and it was a fantastic experience. I'm less than 1 week out and I've actually had little time with my son because of my mother (see other post) but I miss him soooo much when he's not here now and I have tricks that I can use to keep my sense of stillness and freedom even when my son or my husband are up to their "antics" (being stompy, whiney, intense negative emotions). This morning I felt really sad but for once I let myself feel sad and I cried and wrote what I was feeling and cried some more and then it passed. I feel better. Time and drama will tell how this works out for me.

Don't be too hard on yourself and tell yourself you are the kind of parent you want to be and feel the fresh start in this moment.
post #4 of 8
How we were parented often manifests in our parenting. My parents were yellers. I am a yeller. I am so critically aware of it, but my temper gets the best of me sometimes. To be very honest, I use a "medication" (that most don't consider medication) to help me relax and really listen to whatever it is that my kids are saying and doing that is making me so mad. That "medication" is marijuana. I don't sit around all day and smoke joints, no, nothing like that. But on really tough days when I'm stressed out from other things and my kids are just seemingly hanging on to my sleeve all day whining, I will step outside, hit a bowl, and come back in and not only am I calmer and more relaxed, I get so creatively involved with them! For example, one time my two daughters were making me crazy running around and yelling (and waking up their baby brother). I was to my snapping point, and I took a moment to myself outside with my bowl, and I came back in and decided to paint them. I painted (on them) and decorated their bodies and faces in ornate designs and they were in heaven! Marijuana helps put me in a mindset where I can appreciate and have wonder in the things that they, as children, do!
post #5 of 8
Quote:
Originally Posted by writteninkursive View Post
How we were parented often manifests in our parenting. My parents were yellers. I am a yeller. I am so critically aware of it, but my temper gets the best of me sometimes. To be very honest, I use a "medication" (that most don't consider medication) to help me relax and really listen to whatever it is that my kids are saying and doing that is making me so mad. That "medication" is marijuana. I don't sit around all day and smoke joints, no, nothing like that. But on really tough days when I'm stressed out from other things and my kids are just seemingly hanging on to my sleeve all day whining, I will step outside, hit a bowl, and come back in and not only am I calmer and more relaxed, I get so creatively involved with them! For example, one time my two daughters were making me crazy running around and yelling (and waking up their baby brother). I was to my snapping point, and I took a moment to myself outside with my bowl, and I came back in and decided to paint them. I painted (on them) and decorated their bodies and faces in ornate designs and they were in heaven! Marijuana helps put me in a mindset where I can appreciate and have wonder in the things that they, as children, do!
Okay I know this is an old post ... but I had to comment.

I don't know why... but that picture totally brought tears to my eyes. Makes me want to paint on my kids too!

I, too, use the same "medication" sometimes when things are just getting to be too much with my spirited 6 year old. I know it definitely puts me in the mind-set to be able to deal with his more difficult periods. I definitely yell a whole lot less when using it.
post #6 of 8
Quote:
Originally Posted by luna-belle View Post
she said I am a passionate person and I seperate passionate positive behaviours i.e. dance, positive expression, creativity etc. and passionate bad behaviours i.e. feeling sad, angry, hurt and I tell myself that I'm not allowed to feel those negative feelings.. however, they are part of being passionate and I have to let my son and my husband have those feelings too because it's part of the balance.
.
Ding, ding, ding .....

My therapist reminded me of the same thing -- that I am, and always have been a very passionate person. My struggle is much like yours -- not blowing my stack when something sets me off. Mine tends to be lack of sleep, or time crunches, but there are other days when I am simply, as my poor husband puts it, "gunning for someone". Sigh. It's been a huge struggle for me.
post #7 of 8

Dear angry Mom,

I watched the super Nanny show and found her advice so helpful. But if you feel like you just can not turn off the anger button then I would seek a higher calling such as that of christianity which helped me greatly and counseling and possibley med's could also help. The time out is great for you and the kids. Good luck.

 

post #8 of 8

I too, never wanted to be an angry mom.  I found myself spanking when they were about 3 and 4 years old.  I started finding myself quite depressed as I was going to be the one that broke the spanking cycle in my family but I found myself doing what my parents did to me.  So... I started researching like crazy on the internet.  Everything I could find on non violent behavior and gentle parenting.  It turned out it was about my need to control.  Me wanting control over situations and my kids.  That let me to a great site called the natural child project that has some amazing articles about parenting.  

 

The thing that turned me around though, was an unschooling forum that used to be around. (There are others out there) These were women and men were homeschooling in a whole different way and so entirely different from how I was raised to bring up children.  At first it wasn't easy.  I wrote in to the forum asking all sorts of questions and found the responses to be thoughtful but tough on me! I didn't want to hear the things they were saying about me and my control issues.  I stuck with it though and after about a year, I admitted to myself I had some serious issues to deal with.  It really did turn me around.  My kids have been unschooled this whole time now and finally decided they wanted to try high school.  They do love it, it was their decision and our unschooling experience was wonderful and anger free.  I'm not saying you have to unschool but it wouldn't hurt to understand the philosophy of it. I feel it really did help me let go of my need to control.  Good luck. 

 

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