Any advice on Custody/Visitation Modification? - Update post 26, 40, 45 - Page 4

[Amanda L]

Originally Posted by Smithie

Good news! Especially about the doctor visit. Dealing with any fear that mom may genuinely have about dad's ability to cope with the treatment regimen is going to be an integral part of long-term peaceful coparenting. And now that your DH has appeared in the doctor's office, hopefully that will help set a precedent of the staff understanding that they are legally allowed (and likely required) to communicate with him about his son.

When my husband called and set up the supervised visit he asked Cameron's mother exactly what he needed to do to show he could meet Cameron's needs. He did everything she asked (testing, injections, lunch, snacks, etc) to her stated satisfaction during the visit. So between that and attending the doctor's appointment I think all of her fears concerning his medical treatment are satisfied (I'm assuming since I haven't asked). But she still will not allow my husband to pick up Cameron even for a daytime visit unsupervised. She would not give a reason and instead kept offering to let my husband meet her Sunday (tomorrow) to spend time with Cameron. When my husband asked for details as far as when and where she said she would get back to him. She hasn't yet.

So I think there is more to her fears than just the diabetic treatments.

But on the plus side, at least we have knowledge of his new treatment plan and the doctor's have my husband's contact information.

[Super~Single~Mama]

She's probably planning on asking for supervised visitation at the next court date - so if she lets your DH take your dss unsupervised she'd be undermining what she wants to ask for.

That doesn't make it right, and if she's not getting back to you she's playing with fire. Custody CAN and DOES get switched when people play games too much - courts HATE that!

[Amanda L]

thyra - She did request supervised on the order to show cause. My husband spoke with her on the phone and asked straight out "why are you wanting supervised" and she claimed it was only because of the diabetes. He has since done everything she said she needed to feel comfortable with his competency.

The law guardian has spoken to his doctors (who encouraged visitation because the skills are learned "hands-on") and has spoken to us and came to our home and found no issues. I know her lawyer has been informed of all of this, so she should know as well.

She didn't get back to my husband with a time he could see Cameron yesterday, but legally she doesn't have to. I just hope he is doing okay on his new treatment plan.

[Smithie]

Thinking of you...

[Amanda L]

Originally Posted by Smithie

Thinking of you...

Thank you! I wish I had an update . . .

Just waiting around and not knowing if Cameron is okay is so hard.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by Amanda L

thyra - She did request supervised on the order to show cause. My husband spoke with her on the phone and asked straight out "why are you wanting supervised" and she claimed it was only because of the diabetes. He has since done everything she said she needed to feel comfortable with his competency.

The law guardian has spoken to his doctors (who encouraged visitation because the skills are learned "hands-on") and has spoken to us and came to our home and found no issues. I know her lawyer has been informed of all of this, so she should know as well.

She didn't get back to my husband with a time he could see Cameron yesterday, but legally she doesn't have to. I just hope he is doing okay on his new treatment plan.

I know, it sucks. BUT - if she still wants supervised visitation she has to insist on it until the judge orders her otherwise. It SUCKS - and its NOT fair or right. But, thats they way it goes. Make every effort to get along with her right now (I know its hard, do it anyway!). And, DOCUMENT, document, document, document, document. Having a list of the times she said you could see your dss (in her presence or the presence of another, or without supervision), anytime that you saw your dss, anytime she didn't call you back about making plans, every.single.conversation. needs to have a record. This will help you build a case against her if you need it.

Did the Dr. put his encouragement for visitation in writing? If not, you might want to ask for it. Tell him briefly, without emotion, whats going on and see if he would be willing to put it in writing for you. He might not - and thats ok, but you can ask (as long as you can keep the emotion out of it, and be understanding of how nervous the mom is) You also might suggest that he talk to the mother about it, he might be able to put some of her fears to rest.

I know its not fair, but try to think on her side for just a second. Diabetes in a 2yo is SCARY - its a serious condition that needs constant monitoring and its SCARY! My son was in the hospital last week for something very mild compared to that, and I was STILL afraid to let him go to his dad's for a week! She's a mom, she's scared, and even if you have done everything you think she needs to see for her to feel comfortable, she's not going to feel comfortable for a long time.

As always, good luck!

[Amanda L]

thyra - The law guardian has spoken to Cameron's doctors, so I don't think we need to get their advice in writing.

Yes, diabetes is very scary. For mothers AND for fathers, regardless of who has legal custody. The fact that one of the mother's first responses was to completely cut off her son's father so he had absolutely no idea how his son - who could have and still could die from his disorder - was doing is unfathomable to me. That was very cruel on Cameron's mothers part. It's very hard to be considerate of Cameron's mother's fears when she has no respect for or even acknowledgment of my husbands feelings.

[Super~Single~Mama]

I know that she is wrong to go about this the way she is. I know that its scary for mom's AND dad's - but for a primary caregiver to go through something like that, and then have to hand over her child ACK - its NUTS.

Anyway, what she's doing is wrong. And, if you play the game right, you'll come out on top. You just have to play the game - and be good at it. The nicer you are to her, the more considerate of her feelings, the BETTER you are than she is, the more likely you are to get what you want, and the LESS likely she is to get what she wants.

Really. Trust me. Going to court is a game. It's a cruel, mean, aweful, terrible game but a game none-the-less. Parents LOSE custody doing the kinds of things she's doing right now. Put on a huge smiley face and play the game. And document, document, document.

[Amanda L]

thyra - My husband and I don't want to play this "game". We just want time with Cameron to make sure he is happy and healthy.

Sigh.

Thank you for your continued support. An outsider's point of view is always good for a reality check.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Honey, no one wants to play the game!!! It's just a game that has to be played. I'm playing it too in a very different way right now - and trust me, I wish I weren't!!

BUT - so long as you do your part, learn how to handle your dss's diabetes as best you can (I know you are! keep it up!!!) you WILL get to see your DSS on a regular, court ordered and enforceable basis soon!!! Chin up. The game sucks, but it must be played. You definitely have my sympathy on that one!

[Amanda L]

thyra - Thank you for the "chin up" comment. My son is currently obsessed with Winnie the Pooh and owl uses that expression so it made me smile!