Bad night with ds(asperger's),advice on how to handle

[muldey]

Last night we had a lot to do.First we went next door to watch the neighbor set off fireworks,which was cool.After that we were waiting for my mom to get home,and my best friend so we could set off the rest of what we had.I had my bf's dd(5yo) for the day.Ds(almost 9yo) started complaining about the noises,so we stopped our fireworks and went upstairs.My dad,my bf,my ex and I were talking in the kitchen(this was around 10:30) when we heard bf's dd start crying,and ds yelling.Turns out ds hit bf's dd in the arm(hard,her arm was all red),and my dd(12 yo) hit him in the head to stop him. Just a really bad situation.I guess bf's dd was singing with dd,and ds thought they were too loud.We seperated all 3 kids.Ds lost the priviledge of his new old computer that he just repaired,which is his favorite thing right now.He will also lose points with his HBTS worker.I also didn't allow him back in the living room until bf and her dd left,which was soon after.We also had a long talk about why it is not ok to hit others( had to have that talk with his sister as well,and she also lost a priviledge).He screamed and screamed.It was horrible.

Did I handle it ok?I also appologized to bf's dd.She knows ds is different,but doesn't understand yet.I know ds was very over excited,as well as tired.Doesn't excuse his behavior,but I can see how it happened.My bf was very upset,as I would be and was.I don't think she thinks I handled it right.She spanks,I don't,so you see where this is going.I'm at a loss as to what else I could have done.I took him away from the situation,took away a priviledge,and had a long talk with him(that happened once he was calm).He just kept screaming for a while.I was so afraid the cops would come or cps.Anyone have any advice as to what I could have done?I'm trying to prevent this from happening again.I thought things were getting better,he just qualified for the PASS program(not sure what is stands for,but his worker will get to take him out in the community where HBTS just stays in the house with him).But they don't allow aggressive kids.I also explained that to ds,as he's really looking forward to going.His current HBTS worker will be his PASS worker.

I'm just so upset over this. Bf's dd is fine,no lasting marks thankfully.

[lotusdebi]

I'm sorry. It sounds like a very stressful situation for everyone!

The only thing I can think of is to recommend some ear protection for your DS. We just bought some for my kids since DS1 has such a hard time with noise. He has the option of using them when noise is bothering him instead of expecting everyone else to be silent. So far, so good, though we only got them last week, so no long-term studies available. I'm trying to get him to understand that it's his responsibility to protect his ears and leave the room when the noise is too much, rather than expect anyone else to understand his auditory processing issues.

[PikkuMyy]

I agree with lotusdebi about the noise protection.

Clearly your son's auditory system was already so high from the firecrackers, that the singing was the straw that broke the camel's back. Sure, it wasn't OK for him to hit her, but I doubt there was any thought behind it other than "Stop that noise right now, I'm in pain!" So the response to this type of hitting *should* be very different to a typical child hitting another because they don't like something the other person did.

Does he normally get overwhelmed with sounds or was it a special occasion because of the fireworks? If it's normal, now would be a good time to write a social story about how people sometimes make sounds that hurt his ears and what he can do when this happens (ask them to be softer, leave the room, listen to music in earphones, etc.)

[CarrieMF]

honestly I think what your 12yo did was worse than what the 9yo did. Sure the 9yo was overstimulated & I understand him needing an output. Had he asked the 2 girls to stop singing because it was too loud? If he had were they intentionally bugging him by continuing to sing? He could have come back downstairs. OTOH the 12yo surely did not need to respond in the EXACT same way he did & worse by hitting him in the head. She could have come downstairs & told you guys what was happening instead of reacting like that.

If this is the first time he's reacted in a physical way I don't see them kicking him out of the PASS program. I would definitly explain to the HBTS worker everything that happened with all 3 kids.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by muldey

Ds(almost 9yo) started complaining about the noises,so we stopped our fireworks and went upstairs.

is this the child with aspergers? He said he had all the noise he coud take?

My dad,my bf,my ex and I were talking in the kitchen(this was around 10:30) when we heard bf's dd start crying,and ds yelling.Turns out ds hit bf's dd in the arm(hard,her arm was all red),and my dd(12 yo) hit him in the head to stop him. Just a really bad situation.I guess bf's dd was singing with dd,and ds thought they were too loud.

so you left him with a bunch of other kids who were wired while you chatted with other adults and he lost it?

We seperated all 3 kids.Ds lost the priviledge of his new old computer that he just repaired,which is his favorite thing right now.He will also lose points with his HBTS worker.I also didn't allow him back in the living room until bf and her dd left,which was soon after.

So he is being punished repeatedly?


I think you handled this VERY badly. He used his words, you didn't listen (or understand). You left him with no other options.

When he has had it, he's had it. That's it.

I know ds was very over excited,as well as tired.Doesn't excuse his behavior,but I can see how it happened.

You need to read him better in the future and GET HIM OUT OF THERE! You set him up.

Anyone have any advice as to what I could have done?I'm trying to prevent this from happening again.

You need to make meeting his needs (including his need for less sensory input) a higher priority.

Boys with asp. are more likely to react agressively, which is why it is super important that moms figure them out and protect them from getting to that point.

[Village Mama]

I wish we had a thumbs up button! Linda, that was right to the point and spot on!
For us it is all about anticipating the reaction, and prevention. A huge emphasis in our home is on helping the boys to find re- charging and self soothing coping capabilities( as well as using phrases to describe thier own impending meltdown and clear statement of thier needs). Your twelve year old should be well aware of the situation as a sibling and could use a quick reminder when things are escalating or if there has been a meltdown of sorts.
Of course hitting each other isn't ok, ( maybe this is because I have two boys?) but I see many siblings scuffle and get physical over disputes like this ( especially when they have clearly stated thier needs and then they are ignored... feels like you are left with no other tools!) and they would never ever be described as agressive people outside of the situation. I know that in this situation it was a close family friend, but it was still an intimate family situation where he was backed into a corner ( very difficult to be challenged like this in a space that is supposed to be your safe spot)

I see after re reading that this was at the neighbours house. So some of what I said doesn't apply( I apologise!). But imagining my own, almost 9 year old, after having a sensory overloaded incident( probably also very tired at 10;30 at night!!!!) he would have acted the exact same way. That was a very very demanding situation for any aspie kiddo... or adult! My kids definitely get super amped if they are up at that time of night, even in the best of situations they get increasingly agitated!

[LynnS6]

I think what you can do now is learn to be proactive for the next time. My nephew has AS, my ds has SPD, and both our kids are highly sensitive and prone to overstimulation.

I've learned through hard experience that if my kids (or my nephew) says that they are overstimulated, we need to stop the activity and find a quiet, calming activity. For my nephew and SPD kid (who's also an introvert) that means finding something that's ALONE and QUIET, but within range of an attending adult if they want us. Mixing with other kids is not a good idea, and it definitely requires the adult.

I'd also recommend these:
Peltor Jr. Ear muffs

For now, I'd talk to your son, I'd give him his computer privelges back, and I'd work on social stories and other scripts to help him object or come get help without hitting. Activities that can help him with self regulation when he's upset would be a good idea too. Remember that kids on the spectrum have a harder time learning self-regulation in the face of sensory overload. They rely on parents more and for longer periods of time. (That's why having an adult near to help regulate is necessary.)