Allergies, grandparents, dog

[NYCVeg]

(Mods: I didn't put this in allergies, b/c the question isn't about the allergies, per se, but about negotiating child's/grandparents needs).

Dd (4 yo) extensive, serious food allergies. She also has some non-food allergies: roaches, dust, that sort of thing. She's also allergic to dogs.

My parents have a shedding dog. The moment we walk into their house, dd's nose starts running. She has mild eczema on the back of her knees/butt, and when she's around the dog, it flares up and gets itchy (she actually begged me for Benadryl last time we visited). Our pediatrician told us she shouldn't be in the house w/ the dog at ALL, because there's a real risk of her developing asthma if she's constantly exposed.

I'm not sure how to deal with this. Obviously, I'm not keeping dd from her grandparents. They visit us a lot, but it's not practical to have them visit all the time--our extended family, on both sides, all lives where they do. There are family events at their house.

In some ways, they're sensitive to the dog issue. They try to send the dog to his sitter if they know we're coming to visit, and they generally keep him away from her. On the other hand, I don't think they quite get the seriousness of her reaction to him. Not being allergic themselves, they think it's no big deal. (My husband--who does have mild asthma--also has a hard time w/ the dog and usually has to medicate for allergies when we visit). The dog hair/dander is just everywhere--I do my best to vacuum and clean, but you simply can't get it all out.

When we visit them in my home city, we never sleep there b/c of the dog--we stay with other relatives. But when we visit them in their weekend house (which is much closer to us), we do stay over--there's no one else nearby and we can't afford hotels.

I'm just not sure how to balance dd's very real health issues with her adoration for her grandparents--she loves them to death, and loves being at their house--and their desire to see her.

[mumkimum]

Is there any way they'd be willing to shut the dog out of just one room, at either location - like always? Even though the dog may have been there in the past, with cleaning and keeping him out it might be enough to help alleviate symptoms by having a cleaner zone for visits.

My sympathies for having family who thinks the allergies/asthma is 'no big deal' (MIL covers up her cigarette smoke when we visit with scented candles and extra perfume so it doesn't bother dh's asthma )

[NYCVeg]

Originally Posted by mumkimum

Is there any way they'd be willing to shut the dog out of just one room, at either location - like always? Even though the dog may have been there in the past, with cleaning and keeping him out it might be enough to help alleviate symptoms by having a cleaner zone for visits.

My sympathies for having family who thinks the allergies/asthma is 'no big deal' (MIL covers up her cigarette smoke when we visit with scented candles and extra perfume so it doesn't bother dh's asthma )

When we're at their weekend home, we sleep and dd mostly plays on the second floor--the dog might come up there once a blue moon, but he basically stays down with them. Maybe I'll ask if they'll put up a baby gate or something to ensure that he NEVER goes up. It does help to have the less doggy space, but dd can't stay upstairs the whole time. Their main home is a city apartment, however, and it's teeny--there's a little closet-sized office, but even if they closed it off, dd would never want to hang out in there, and the quarters are just too small to keep it allergen-free.

They always have dog hair all over their car, clothes, etc. I just don't think they realize how pervasive the stuff is when someone is allergic.

[lifeguard]

It's so tough. As someone who owns a dog that sheds a LOT & tries to be sensitive to those with allergies it's very hard to do. On one hand you feel guilty & try to keep the dog in another room & do a super good clean before they come over but on the other hand it's really impossible to eliminate (or even come close) the allergens from the house when the dog lives there.

I honestly think you need to either accept that you will need to medicate your dc when you go there &/or limit the amount of time spent there at all. As long as they have the dog they will not be able to make their home allergy safe for your child & asking them to get rid of their dog is not fair.

[Joyster]

I think as long as there is a shedding breed in the house, you're never going to be free of the dander. I don't think it would be fair to the dog or your parents to ask that the dog be confined to a room in their home all the time, and pretty pointless because dander travels far and wide. Maybe for a week before your visit to try and minimize and Dyson the heck out of the area.

I think limiting the amount of time spent in the homes with the appropriate allergy meds would probably be the easiest solution. I have mega allergies to cat and just about all my friends have them. They will try to clean the place up big time, one friend even steam cleaned her carpets (made it worse, I don't recommend) and without meds, I still have serious breathing problems.

[CarrieMF]

How do you feel they don't get the seriousness of this? They are willingly taking their dog to a sitter before you come.

We have 2 shedding dogs & they shed in 2 different ways. 1 the hair balls up in clumps in corners like dust Buffallos. The other it's like setting off a puff ball. It is everywhere & gets in everything.

We usually keep the dogs in our porch, they have free reign of the basement & are outside most of the time. There is still doghair EVERYWHERE, especially the puff ball dog's fur.

1 thing that did help & would be doable if your parents own their places would be to get rid of the carpet. Carpet will HOLD dog hair & you can't vacuum it out, even the short almost industrial store type carpet will hold it. We got rid of our carpet just over a year ago & the dog hair has greatly reduced.

[karne]

We have seriously shedding dogs as well, as do my parents. We also have dog allergies in a member of the family as well as with some friends, so there's lots of tension around the idea that if everyone valued the child with allergies more, the dogs would be gotten rid of. It's not that simple, but that's the idea that gets expressed. It's tough, but in the end, as a dog owner, you make all of the accommodations you can, and then there's really not a lot more to do. Sometimes visits take place in more neutral spots, or someone takes benedryl, or playdates happen outside.....you learn to be creative without feeling like you need to give up beloved pets.

I think the hardest thing to adjust to, at least in our circumstances, is the understanding that, as adults, we all lead the lives that are important to us in our own homes. It doesn't mean we don't love and value other connections, but sometimes what's right for our family doesn't work well for other folks, and we all need to figure out how to be respectful of each other and take care of our own needs.

[nextcommercial]

I think it sounds like they are doing the best they can.

Can they possibly prepare better before you come visit? Perhaps having the dog bathed more often, and brushed more often, it will help cut down on the reaction she has.

Taking zyrtec before she visits might also help her.

It's not really the dog's hair that's causing her reaction. (according to "how stuff works".)

http://health.howstuffworks.com/dise...-allergies.htm

[limabean]

I'm not sure what you're asking. There's not much more they can do -- I think it's great that they're willing to send the dog to a sitter when you guys visit. Families that include dogs do have dog hair/dander in their homes, cars, and clothes, it's just a fact of life. It might not be that they think it's not a big deal, but just that they're doing all they can and can't see a way to make it any better for your DD when she visits.

So, can you clarify your question? Are you wanting them to visit you at your house all the time? Change into fresh, dog-hair-free clothes when they arrive at your house? Agree to only have you over to their apartment, with no more visits at the weekend house? Put you up in a hotel when you visit their weekend house? Get rid of their dog? (A couple of those are just jokes, I'm just trying to figure out what a good solution is in your mind.)

[texmati]

Originally Posted by NYCVeg

(Mods: I didn't put this in allergies, b/c the question isn't about the allergies, per se, but about negotiating child's/grandparents needs).

Dd (4 yo) extensive, serious food allergies. She also has some non-food allergies: roaches, dust, that sort of thing. She's also allergic to dogs.

My parents have a shedding dog. The moment we walk into their house, dd's nose starts running. She has mild eczema on the back of her knees/butt, and when she's around the dog, it flares up and gets itchy (she actually begged me for Benadryl last time we visited). Our pediatrician told us she shouldn't be in the house w/ the dog at ALL, because there's a real risk of her developing asthma if she's constantly exposed.

I'm not sure how to deal with this. Obviously, I'm not keeping dd from her grandparents. They visit us a lot, but it's not practical to have them visit all the time--our extended family, on both sides, all lives where they do. There are family events at their house.

In some ways, they're sensitive to the dog issue. They try to send the dog to his sitter if they know we're coming to visit, and they generally keep him away from her. On the other hand, I don't think they quite get the seriousness of her reaction to him. Not being allergic themselves, they think it's no big deal. (My husband--who does have mild asthma--also has a hard time w/ the dog and usually has to medicate for allergies when we visit). The dog hair/dander is just everywhere--I do my best to vacuum and clean, but you simply can't get it all out.

When we visit them in my home city, we never sleep there b/c of the dog--we stay with other relatives. But when we visit them in their weekend house (which is much closer to us), we do stay over--there's no one else nearby and we can't afford hotels.

I'm just not sure how to balance dd's very real health issues with her adoration for her grandparents--she loves them to death, and loves being at their house--and their desire to see her.

this sound so tough on everyone! I agree with pp's, that it sounds like everyone is doing the best they can. I"m a little confused-- does the ped recommend she can't be in the house when the dog is physically present? Or is it that she can't be in the house if the dog was there at all? If it's the former, I would just start meeting in neutral locations while in that area. Or medicate, if that is an option. It sounds like dd is really suffering, but I don't think it's fair to ask your parents to do more than they are already.

[Drummer's Wife]

We can't stay with my mom overnight anymore (or even inside her house to visit for more than a couple hours) b/c my 5 yo is really allergic to cats. He wheezes terribly, has itchy puffy eyes, runny nose, etc. It's just not safe. She will, however, get rid of the cats temporarily, have the carpets cleaned and such, to alleviate it a bit so we can have dinner and play for a short time - but even then, it's pretty impossible to get rid of the dander. We just have to meet at other family member's houses now if it's going to be a longer amount of time, or we eat at a restaurant. When we do go over there, we take him outside often to get fresh air and dose him up with benadryl. he also has/had eczema - it is really rare nowadays. Hives, etc., aren't what scares me too much - it's the breathing issues.

It's an inconvenience, for sure, but it's just how it is. If we lived in the same state and she watched the kids at her house frequently (like was their babysitter), I assume she would consider getting rid of the cats if it bothered her that DS couldn't stay. I would never ask her to, though - we are capable of getting a hotel room or staying with other people.

[NYCVeg]

Originally Posted by CarrieMF

How do you feel they don't get the seriousness of this? They are willingly taking their dog to a sitter before you come.
.

They take the dog to the sitter in part b/c dd is also afraid of him. When dd gets reactions--last time she had a horrible outbreak of eczema on her legs and her nose was running non-stop and, as I said, she begged for Benadryl--they kind of got annoyed at me for even mentioning it--as though it was an indictment of them.

My mom takes a lot of the allergy stuff "personally." She was slicing bread, then quickly wiped the knife and started slicing tomatoes for dd. Dh said, completely without accusation, "You know, if those tomatoes are for dd, we need to use a new knife." (Dd is anaphylactic to wheat--a quick wipe won't do it.) My mom got huffy and threw the knife in the sink. My mom WANTS to be sensitive to the allergies, but she just doesn't have the instinct for keeping everything separate and clean. That's fine--we don't expect her to, as she doesn't deal with it every minute of every day like we do. But then she ALSO gets mad when we need to tell her that something she's doing is unsafe (which we try to do gently, I swear).

Originally Posted by texmati

this sound so tough on everyone! I agree with pp's, that it sounds like everyone is doing the best they can. I"m a little confused-- does the ped recommend she can't be in the house when the dog is physically present? Or is it that she can't be in the house if the dog was there at all? If it's the former, I would just start meeting in neutral locations while in that area. Or medicate, if that is an option. It sounds like dd is really suffering, but I don't think it's fair to ask your parents to do more than they are already.

The ped said that dd shouldn't be at their house AT ALL. Which is I guess where my question lies. That seems completely impractical to me. My concern is not so much the allergic reactions, which we can medicate. My concern is her potentially developing asthma. She already has one life-threatening allergic condition, and my dh developed asthma as an adult, through exposure to an animal (cat), so I know that this can happen. I guess I'm just trying to deal with my own fears about her health, knowing that my parents can be very accommodating in some ways but that they are also very "touchy" about the allergy issue.

[txbikegrrl]

Maybe have them go to a ped apt with you? I love my cats but if my kids were that allergic I'd have to rehime them. DS does have mild asthma but our ped says it seems to be related to the air quality not cats. He does not react when the cats sit with him etc. But your situation is obviously more serious..

[FiveLittleMonkeys]

We have had to re-home our dog due to my son's extreme allergies to her. It was absolutely heartbreaking, but when you have both an allergist and pulmonologist telling you that by keeping the dog, you are choosing your pet over your child's health.....well, the decision was made.

My parents also have a dog. We haven't visited them since this all happened, but I'm sure it will become a big issue. We have decided that we won't be staying with them, and will visit them on neutral, pet free territory. It stinks, but having my son have an asthma attack or needing to get out the Epi-pen would be far worse than hurt feelings over the dog.

Personally, having a child with severe asthma, and not knowing if having our dog has made it worse over the years - I would visit them elsewhere. It's very scary to see your child not be able to breathe and know that you might have been able to prevent, or at least lessen the severity of their condition - had you only known.

[limabean]

Originally Posted by NYCVeg

The ped said that dd shouldn't be at their house AT ALL. Which is I guess where my question lies. That seems completely impractical to me. My concern is not so much the allergic reactions, which we can medicate. My concern is her potentially developing asthma. She already has one life-threatening allergic condition, and my dh developed asthma as an adult, through exposure to an animal (cat), so I know that this can happen. I guess I'm just trying to deal with my own fears about her health, knowing that my parents can be very accommodating in some ways but that they are also very "touchy" about the allergy issue.

It is impractical and hugely inconvenient, but it may be what needs to be done to protect your DD. I'm imagining telling my mom we couldn't visit her home anymore, and that would be incredibly difficult. Maybe if you said something like, "This is a really painful decision for us, but DD's doctors are worried that repeated exposure to dogs could result in more serious illnesses over time, and we just can't risk that. We've agonized over this, and I'm so sorry to say that we'll have to visit either at our house or meet up at parks, restaurants, or relatives' houses, at least for the next several years, and then hopefully we can reevaluate everything. This isn't what any of us wants, but it would be horrible if she developed asthma on top of everything she already deals with and I had to wonder if I could have done more to prevent it, you know?"

[New_Natural_Mom]

I like what Limabean said only in that it would make it easier on you. I can't imagine, as a parent, keeping animals/pets in my house that my children were allergic to and most likely grandchildren as well.

**Inserting my own personal issue here**

My MIL has a cat and they NEVER clean their house. It is disgusting. I am extremely allergic and DH is allergic and has asthma. She just got the cat like 2 years ago. I get that it is her house and we don't visit that often (partially due to said cat) and that they should do what makes them happy, but to knowingly get a pet that could endanger her own family is kinda nuts to me.

Now back to your issue.

I just wouldn't take your DD there. Hurt feelings or no, my kid's needs come first to me. Asthma isn't something to mess around with and if the doc is that concerned I would end visits to gma.

[texmati]

Yeah... I can't imagine going against the medical advice from the ped.

I would stop visits to the grandparents. Reading between the lines, it seems like you are hoping they could get rid of the pet? I don't think that is practical either. Hopefully in a few years you can reevaluate.

[Areia]

Originally Posted by limabean

It is impractical and hugely inconvenient, but it may be what needs to be done to protect your DD. I'm imagining telling my mom we couldn't visit her home anymore, and that would be incredibly difficult. Maybe if you said something like, "This is a really painful decision for us, but DD's doctors are worried that repeated exposure to dogs could result in more serious illnesses over time, and we just can't risk that. We've agonized over this, and I'm so sorry to say that we'll have to visit either at our house or meet up at parks, restaurants, or relatives' houses, at least for the next several years, and then hopefully we can reevaluate everything. This isn't what any of us wants, but it would be horrible if she developed asthma on top of everything she already deals with and I had to wonder if I could have done more to prevent it, you know?"

Are you afraid that your parents might be offended that you won't be able to visit in their home? I love LimaBean's wording - - simple and to the point. I can't imagine that your parents would be able to take any offense with that.

[NYCVeg]

Originally Posted by texmati

Yeah... I can't imagine going against the medical advice from the ped.

I would stop visits to the grandparents. Reading between the lines, it seems like you are hoping they could get rid of the pet? I don't think that is practical either. Hopefully in a few years you can reevaluate.

No, I don't expect them to get rid of the dog. I agree that that's unrealistic--they've had him for ten years and, as a former dog owner, I understand that dogs are very much part of the family.

But. My parents, my mom especially, LIVES for her grandkids. I guess I'm just having a hard time imagining a conversation in which we tell her we can't bring dd to her house any more. I think she'll be devastated AND take it personally.