How did you know it was time to end it?

[mexicali mami]

We've been going back and forth for years. I left once only to miss the "family" unit and came back two months later. We are always fighting, I'm not sure how much love is even left. We are basically together for the sake of our child. It's gotten to the point where I have already complained to all of my friends and family how bad it is, I feel embarrassed to stay. Every time I get the courage to go something stops me. Either, I don't want to move out of our beautiful home to some crummy apartment, I have no solid income, I miss us all being together..and sometimes, I even feel like I DO love my partner, and that we just need to work harder to be happy together. Now I'm tired of sitting on the fence. We are not married, I will receive no alimony, child support...nada. Where is the point of no going back? How will I feel like I am making the "right" decision?

[nola79]

Honestly, I knew it was over at the point that it was either him or me. Like, one of us had to go. I mean that in the worst way, not like the move out way......

Btw, why would you not get child support? Being married doesn't have anything to do with that.....unless he gets paid in cash and you don't think he'd pay.

[RollerCoasterMama]

I knew I had to face the decision because the depression over the situation backed me into a corner. I wasn't able to properly parent my son, and it wasn't a matter of me sucking it up and being a big girl any more. I had to make the choice. It was years to get to that point.

[StephandOwen]

I knew it was time to leave when I realized I was risking my child's life by staying. Ex had been doing drugs and had agreed to keep it out of our apartment (of course, I wanted him to stop altogether but that wasn't happening). When ds was a couple weeks old I found drugs in our apartment and left for a few days to, hopefully, get him to realize I was serious. Within weeks of me being back in the apartment he was bringing the drugs back. When ds was less than 2 months old I found drugs ALL OVER our apartment. I mean- in pretty much every room in the wide open. Had ds been a few months older he easily could have crawled around and gotten to plenty of it. I gathered some of it up in my hand and confronted ex. He denied there were drugs in our apartment (uhhh.... that's how drugged out he was). I showed him what was in my hand and he tried lying. When he realized I wasn't buying it he finally started yelling at me about how he'll do whatever the h*ll he wants to and that it's his apartment too and if he wants to do illegal things and put our son at risk "I have a right to choose that and you can just deal with it". That was in the middle of the night. He went to work the next morning and ds and I were fully moved out of the apartment by the time ex got back from work. I don't take kindly to people putting my child at risk so I dealt with it We moved out and never went back. The best decision I ever made, by far.

And I also have to question why you think you wouldn't get child support? It's his child, no? He's responsible for the child too and should be held to it.

[sinsaratea]

Out of all the huge things that he had done: infidelities, lies, addictions, lies, emotional abuse/manipulation [and did i mention lies?] it was a seemingly small thing that broke this camel's back. came home one afternoon and a sweet little stray cat that had been hanging around since it was a newborn kitten had been hit by car and someone had placed it near the garage and got it out of the street. DD was asleep when we got home but woke up when i laid her down inside and always wants to follow me around. i didn't want her to see that. so i sent her off to play in her room and bit the bullet and tried reaching estranged H at work, which i never did because for some reason i was always afraid [no idea why, i am weird]. spoke to him and asked if the the next morning he would come and deal with it so she wouldnt see. he said he would call back when he got off at 1030. so 1030 comes. 1130. 12. i should have seen that. i mean this is the man who hasnt seen his daughter or me since just after christmas. so at 1230 at night, i got out of bed, pulled on some work clothes and set to the task of dealing with sweet stray kitty in the middle of the night. and suddenly, i got it. i already kind of knew that i didnt matter much to him but i finally GOT IT that no one matters but him. that little kitty went so i could grow i guess. so a week or two later when school let out for summer, i went back to my lawyer i had gotten 3 years earlier when i was trying to divorce because others wanted me to. she still had 1700 dollars in my retainer account and so we got started back. its in process now.

short answer: suddenly something will click. it will make sense.

[Halfasianmomma]

What did it for me was the final outburst of verbal and emotional abuse XH dished out on me. Long story short: XH lost it when he told me it was my fault that he'd moved here (Quebec) and that it was because Quebec is a racist province hell-bent on belittling anglo-canadians that he made less money than me (I guess my 10 + years of work experience, my ability to translate and my bachelor's degree don't count for anything!). I sort of chuckled (oops) and suddenly he was slamming his fists on the dinner table, ranting, raging, shaking in anger.

I asked him to calm down. He just got angrier. So I took DD, put her in her stroller and walked out.

Even after that, it took a call from my ex-MIL to get me to realize that by staying, I was teaching my DD that it was ok for a man to treat his wife the way XH treated me. It freaked me out to imagine my DD, grown up and partnered with a UAV like XH.

For the short period of time where XH saw DD on visits, he was actually MORE attentive to her than the entire time I was with him. In some cases, separation/divorce can better a parent...

I honestly felt it was the right decision about a week after I left, when I realized that I lived in a QUIET and CALM household, where there was no drama, no screaming fights, and where people laughed. Yes, we weren't "a family" anymore, but that dream died a long time ago at the hands of my ex-husband. I made my own dream and it doesn't include him

[Pariah]

I knew it was time when I was just THAT miserable after abuse, constant arguing and being blamed for absolutely everything, his cheating, his neglect to take care of his family financially, emotionally, every way, his drug use, etc etc...that it had to end. I reached my breaking point. And when I left, god I felt so FREE! I still do. I knew it would be rough getting on my feet on my own, but it has been totally, completely worth it.

You'd get child support if he is the father of your child. Honestly, I still would have left even knowing that I wouldn't get anything at all though.

[mexicali mami]

Thank you all for sharing your stories. I don't believe I would get child support because we are living in Mexico. He is a Mexican who can not enter the US (for his own fault, there rest of his family lives in the states) and if I left I would essentially be kidnapping out son to live somewhere else that he can't go. He is very adamant that I not take his son out of the country without his consent.

It's just sometimes the fights get so bad, or he says something that I think..I can never forgive. I have the vision of packing us up and leaving while he is at work. But after a while, I calm down. I remember all of his good qualities, and how much our son loves him. I vow to stick it out, and to see what I can do to make things better. Admittedly, I am not the easiest person to live with. I am prone to depression and lazy spells which would be hard for even the most patient of men.

I've never really had a long term relationship. Maybe this is just what it is like. It's just sometimes I hear someone say..."I married my best friend" or "15 year together and we couldn't be more in love" and I think..I would NEVER describe my relationship that way. It feels more like "we survived another year without killing each other" or "I got really close to leaving but in the end I chose you" That's sad.

I keep thinking there's someone else out there for me. Someone who's patient and kind. Someone who is excited about life and makes his dreams come true. Someone who thinks I am better than I am...but loves me just the way I am.

[Halfasianmomma]

Don't you think your son deserves to grow up in a peaceful household, without fights or drama, with a happy mama by his side? "Sticking it out" may not always be the best thing for the children...

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

If your son loves him so much, he is going to grow up thinking it is ok to treat women the way your partner treats you. Just sayin.

BTW, you shouldnt punish yourself for your shortcomings/personal issues (depression, laziness) by staying with a man that makes you miserable.

[porcelina]

First, I have to say that I do not have experience with this in the case of a family with a child, only with a former partner. However, I found the book "Uncoupling" to be a huge help. It helped me to recognize that I had already taken a number of the steps along the path towards ending things (such as complaining about partner in public) and realize that the inevitable outcome was to separate. What was holding me back was fear about the unknown, and how it is easier to stick with something you know even if it is not working than to embrace the unknown. In my case, I wanted to have a family, and I wasn't sure if I would be able to find another partner and get that (luckily I have since found a super DH and now have DS1 and DS2 on the way). Anyway, check out that book if you can get your hands on it (skim through it at the bookstore and see if you like it).

Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships
http://www.amazon.com/Uncoupling-Tur...8512670&sr=8-3

ETA: I just now read the part about you being in Mexico -- where you probably won't have access to this book or to Amazon.com. All I have to say is, yes, there has got to be someone else out there for you, and even if it takes a long time to find that person, previous posters are right in that you don't want this to be seen as normal for your child. I'm so sorry you are going through this, it sounds very difficult. But, the way you describe your relationship, it sounds like it may already be over.

[mexicali mami]

Thank you all so much. It is really painful and hard to face but I feel like you all speak the truth. I'm not sure why it's been so hard for me to see that. I know what needs to be done. I'll see if I can get someone to bring down that book for me. Thank you, really, thank you.