STBX at birth/labor coach?????

[kryztuh]

H moved out a few months ago and wants a divorce. I'm about 7 months pregnant now and have really conflicting feelings about his role in labor and delivery. I was planning a homebirth before he split and am going forward with it. We did bradley classes last pregnancy and he did a decent job as a coach.

He told me last week that he expected to be an "awesome labor coach" again with this birth, like last time. I was floored..huh?? He regularly asks how the baby is and I say fine. That is the most discussion we've had. He hasn't asked about weight gain, blood pressure, urine dips, glucose, measurements, or anything else that he knows they check. Just "how's the baby".

He's not there at the end of the day when my feet are swollen and aching, when my lower back is killing me, he's not the 'awesome coach' who reminds me to take my prenatals and helps me eat enough protein when I'm sick of meat and eggs and milk. He's not there when I get crappy sleep from peeing 3 times a night, or how it takes so much effort to even roll over in bed because of being a beached whale. He's not here when I have braxton hicks and he's never even felt the baby kick.

When he told me he wanted to coach me through labor these are the things I thought of and started bawling about, feeling sorry for myself. I feel like I'd be better off with a doula then dealing with all of those feelings of things I 'missed out on' from H during this pregnancy. But who knows how I'll feel when I go into labor. I think it will be very emotional for me.

Anyone else been in the situation where H was a decent labor coach for previous births, and split while you were pregnant? What was your H/STBX etc's role in your birth? And did their role during the birth differ from what you planned on?

He says he wants to be there even if I don't want him as a coach and that he won't settle for being called after the baby is born. I have no idea what to do. The whole situation makes me so so so so sad...

[stik]

I haven't had this experience, so, possibly, I am talking out my ass, but please, "He won't settle?"

Tough.

If, at any point during labor, you decide you want your stbx present in any capacity, you can call him and tell him. Otherwise, he is not giving birth, and he does not get to make decisions about who is present in an extremely vulnerable and personal moment for you.

He has NO choice about when you call him. That is your choice, that you get to make. If he doesn't like it, that's too bad.

In the interim, I would delay discussion, nod, smile, change the subject, give non-answers ("I will call you when the time is right.") and otherwise manage not to talk about it. And then, if you have the babe without him present, tell him it simply did not occur to you to call him. You can always fall back on, "the baby came super-fast" if you want to be non-confrontational. Or, you can tell him, frankly and unemotionally, that he hasn't been there to support you during this pregnancy, and you didn't feel he would be useful during labor.

[homewithtwinsmama]

There is zero chance in Hades that a man who abandoned me while pregnant would be present for the birth. Making a baby is more than 15 minutes of fun. I would say get a really good doula now and build a relationship and tell STBX that he stopped getting any say the minute he left you to do this pregnancy by yourself. I am sorry. Sending hugs and good thoughts to you. I can't tell by your name who your homebirth midwife is, but if you are with ABC (where I work) please let your midwife know what is happening. Actually tell whoever you are working with, so they can help you decide what YOU really want and need before the baby comes.

[JunipersMom]

As a homebirth midwife I've dealt with this exact situation many times. The best advice is that you have to go with what helps you during labor - I would keep going in his eyes as if he was definately going to be attending the birth... then decide in labor who you want there. That way you dont have to deal with his obvious issue with not being there right now ~ and in the case you go into labor and really really want him there - at least you have that option (rather than telling him now there is no way he can attend). I hate to recommend non-truths.. but honestly you really may wish he was there at one point or another. So I think of it more as protecting yourself and your options.
Big hugs momma - my ex left when my youngest was three months - but he really left months before that and was completely useless in my labor and birth. Happy birthing ~ emerge empowered

[Avani]

I found other women to support me during labor. really trusting, loving women who could love me up while i was in labor. Could he do that for you? I would think the stress of having him there and all the hurt/anger/resentment would get in the way. MY birth was so amazing and empowering and all the better without the dad there.

[*MamaJen*]

I think it totally depends on your situation and how YOU feel about it.
My sister got pregnant by a guy she had dated for a while, then they sort of split up and were mostly good friends, then they got back together, and so on. They weren't actually dating when she had her homebirth, but there was no animosity between them and plenty of long-standing affection. She said he was a great labor partner, and he stayed with her taking care of her and the baby for a few days. But that sounds like a different sort of situation than yours.
If you feel hurt, anger and resentment towards him, you probably don't want him at the birth. But that's a decision for you to make, not him.

[violet_]

Originally Posted by stik

I haven't had this experience, so, possibly, I am talking out my ass, but please, "He won't settle?"

Tough.

If, at any point during labor, you decide you want your stbx present in any capacity, you can call him and tell him. Otherwise, he is not giving birth, and he does not get to make decisions about who is present in an extremely vulnerable and personal moment for you.

He has NO choice about when you call him. That is your choice, that you get to make. If he doesn't like it, that's too bad.

In the interim, I would delay discussion, nod, smile, change the subject, give non-answers ("I will call you when the time is right.") and otherwise manage not to talk about it. And then, if you have the babe without him present, tell him it simply did not occur to you to call him. You can always fall back on, "the baby came super-fast" if you want to be non-confrontational. Or, you can tell him, frankly and unemotionally, that he hasn't been there to support you during this pregnancy, and you didn't feel he would be useful during labor.

This exactly.

[meemee]

well i wasnt informed enough about birth. my marriage was already on the rocks and the only reason why he hadnt left was because he felt i needed help.

he was not emotionally there for me or physically there either the last few months of my pregnancy.

however we had done the laboring classes together. and he found them ridiculous. however he tried during labour but we just werent connected enough anymore to make a good labour partner. he KNEW what i wanted to do, he even knew what my decision was without me saying anything, but he wasnt able to get me through the pain when i needed him to. he mostly was gone rather than stay at the hospital.

at that time i did not know about doulas or birthing anywhere but a hospital.

however when i had to go have the C section i was soooo grateful he was there. i was scared. and it was comforting to just know he was there in case anything went wrong.

however when we had to answer questions on paperwork about what to do if our baby died, ex couldnt handle the questions. i did.

again my situation was quite different than yours. i didnt have any family here. i didnt invite any of my close friends to join me at birth.

[Phoenix~Mama]

Get a doula!! Or even a supportive friend or family member.

He DOES not get to decide if he is at the birth or not. Period. Everything about your labor is private and protected under the HIPPA laws... according to two lawyers I consulted on this anyway. As my STBX was threatening me with all kinds of garbage if I did not allow him at the upcoming birth of DS.

If you are already feeling anger and extremely emotional even thinking of your STBX being there... listen to that instinct. You don't need emotional blockage or strife, or dealing with drama during your birth.

It will be okay. One thing I started doing when I was freaking out when STBX and I first split up during this pregnancy... I started reading a bunch of UC birth stories. Even though, I personally don't feel comfortable with a UC, I still am finding incredible strength within those birth stories and am clinging to that and knowing I can do this "on my own" - aka, not with a partner.

I have faith in my support team which consists of my Mom, my doula, and my MW.

Find a support team you can trust... and it does not sound like your STBX fits the bill on that one.

Good Luck.

[robinchap1]

Hugs to you.
My ex left when I was 5 months pregnant. It was my first (and only). I was hurt, devastated, scared, and a million other things.
He wanted to go to the doctor's appts and the birth, etc.
I didn't decide right away.
But I ultimately realized I couldn't have someone there who I didn't trust. It wasn't going to be healthy for me. Until that baby came out, this was MY body. Like you... he was not there at night for the insomnia, the leg cramps... I laid by myself feeling those amazing kicks.
I took a hypnobirthing class with my sister and my best friend and they were both there for my labor. One of them was there for many of my doctor appts too. I told my him I would update him with any relevant info regarding the baby, but these doctor appts were my private business now. I sent him an ultrasound pic.
I had my friend call him when my son was born and I allowed him to come to the hospital that night and each day I was there. My mom stayed with me.
For me, I did the right thing.
I think you've gotten some good advice here. I would just say to listen to your heart and do whatever you need in each moment. If you change your mind at the last minute, that is your right. This is about you right now. You are the one responsible for keeping this baby healthy right now, and that involves YOU being healthy, physically and emotionally. You do whatever you need to do to ensure that as best you can. For me it was emotionally unhealthy to have him there when I was vulnerable and needing support. I chose people I knew would give me absolute unconditional support.

I even had specific instructions on my birthing plan at the hospital that he was not to be present unless I verbally ok-ed it then and there.

My lawyer had warned me that it was possible he could go to court and try to get an injunction of some kind to be present at the birth. But if you are noncommital, as someone here recommended, and end up not calling him until the baby is born, then there will be nothing he can do.
He made his choice.
Now these choices are yours. He gave up those rights. He will have plenty of rights as the father. But not now.

Hugs and very best to you.

[PoppyMama]

wow. I cannot imagine a judge ordering a woman to have someone at the birth. That would violate hipaa and oh so many other things
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[Ruthla]

Giving birth is a very intimate experience. Quite honestly, I didn't even want my husband there when I was in labor- the first two births I wanted women around me and the third I just wanted to be alone. If an EX wanted to be there- uh, that would feel, to me, on the same level as having sex with an ex! Yeah, there might be some circumstances in which it might be appropriate (like if we were considering reconciliation) but for the most part- no way!

Don't let anybody into your birthing space that you don't want there. I didn't let my own mother there, as much as she wanted it, because I didn't want her fears and hangups bringing me down. I'm simply not comfortable being that "open" in her presence.

I'd suggest telling your STBX "I'll call you when I need you." I'd also hire a doula. Call the doula when you feel you need her (which will probably be before you call the midwife to come over or head to the hospital, whichever you're planning.) Then call STBX after the baby is born. He can be mad all he wants, but what can he do after the fact? I'd much rather have an angry person there AFTER the birth than having somebody I didn't want there while I was birthing. Just tell him, when he comes "I said I'd call when I needed you. I didn't need you until now."

[Rainbow2911]

My ex was there when our third child was born and we had split when I was three months pregnant. He was very much in the back ground and there to care for the other children which was something we had agreed on. I had said I didn't want him in the room but in the end I couldn't have cared less if a marching band had gone through so he stood by the door and called updates to our eldest who was sat at the top of the stairs. In our case I needed him to care for the kids and could trust him to keep his role to what I allowed. Doesn't sound like that is your situation with your ex.
Just remember he has no rights to the birth and don't feel pressured into any thing you don't want.

[violet_]

Originally Posted by robinchap1

My lawyer had warned me that it was possible he could go to court and try to get an injunction of some kind to be present at the birth.

Wow -- that may be the creepiest family law intrusion I've ever heard -- and I've heard of a lot! I can't even imagine such a thing.

[stik]

ITA with Violet. Beyond that, I can't think of a legal way that a court could enforce such an order.

Even if you were still together, your ex wouldn't have a legal right to be at the birth - he could attend as your guest, but in a hospital if you wanted him out, the hospital would have security or the PD escort him off the premises. Planning a home birth means you have a different set of options, but the basic principal remains the same: you don't have to call him if you don't want him there, and you can call the PD to have him removed if he shows up and you want him gone.

ETA:

My lawyer had warned me that it was possible he could go to court and try to get an injunction of some kind to be present at the birth.

I think "try" is an important word here. He could try. That doesn't mean he could get anything.

[lilyka]

Th thing abot taking you to court (and he has every right) is that while he is being insane and no judge would force you to have home there (and how would they enforce that?) it would certainly induce a lot of stress for you and the baby and cost you time and money. I would just keep it vague and keep your options open.

Labor coach seems out of the question. But you may end up feeling like it is ok for him to be there in some way. I would keep your options open and tell him you will call him when the time is right.

however, keep in mind how you treat him in the birthing of his child may come back to you in the custody arrangement. what is he asking for? what more might he ask for if he already feels cheated and like he is missing out? If he feels decieved would he try to get revenge by asking for more custody regardless of if it is in the babies best interest? I don;t know the answer to these questions but I know every time my ex does not get his way there is retaliation which is mostly designed to make me think twice before I do thing in a way that is not to his liking.

[NewDirections]

I had my sister and another friend present for my baby's birthing. I did not inform dad until a few hours later. He was terribly abusive and I didn't want him there. I do not regret this decision at all. Babycakes' birth was so beautiful

Each state is different, but in CA "dad" being at the birth(or not) has no bering on custody. It is the woman's body, she is the only official patient until the baby is born. How much dad gets to see baby after birth has more to do with custody.

[Phoenix~Mama]

Originally Posted by NewDirections

Each state is different, but in CA "dad" being at the birth(or not) has no bering on custody. It is the woman's body, she is the only official patient until the baby is born. How much dad gets to see baby after birth has more to do with custody.

This. As I said before... in PA it's the same. During labor/birth it's YOUR body, nothing to do with the baby, and under the HIPPA laws you are completely protected as to who you decide is allowed to be privvy to your private "medical" condition.

[kryztuh]

I just wanted to thank everyone for taking the time to reply and for the support. I think I will not bring it up with H and if he does bring it up again, which I don't expect again for another month or two, I will just keep it vague and leave my options open.

Sometimes it's hard to know if I'm being unreasonable or what with all of the hormones and anger/hurt/resentment and with the stuff H says, he makes it sound like I'm crazy sometimes. A little validation that he doesn't have the right to be there if I don't want him there is really helpful.

I do have family to watch DS and a sister and good friend who have offered to be support people during labor/birth and take photos, etc. I may give my Bradley teacher a call, she is also a doula, and see if she is available. I love my sister and friend, but they have not had natural births. Although they are supportive, I'm not sure they'll be able to provide what I may need during labor like a doula could.

Lorrie, you're right, I do need to talk to E and you guys at ABC about this situation. I am just finding this a very difficult thing to bring up to people in real life. "Hey, by the way, H walked out a few months ago", without starting the waterworks. I have only told my immediate family and one or two friends. I haven't even told work. I just don't know how to do it without getting emotional. I guess that's a topic for another thread.

[wytchywoman]

Originally Posted by kryztuh

He says he wants to be there even if I don't want him as a coach and that he won't settle for being called after the baby is born. I have no idea what to do. The whole situation makes me so so so so sad...

That is no longer his decision to make. You are the one in labor, you get to decide who is there to support you. If it was so freaking important that he be there for the birth then perhaps he should have waited to bail out on you until after the baby was born. No court, no police officer, no attorney, is going to tell him that he can be there even if you don't want him there.There's no way on earth that anyone can order that he gets to be there to see the birth. so in short, your response to him most certainly can be "tough sh!t, you left, you don't get to make this demand on me".