Violent play?

[fairejour]

My DD is barely 7 and things are getting rough. We are away from home for six weeks so she can go to a special summer school. She has been acting out, crying a lot, being bossy, sleeping with me, being scared about things she would NEVER be scared at home (like a tube slide!). I get that this just stress from being in a new place, stress from travel, etc. But then, today, something new appeared

She started getting violent with her toys. She was whipping a panda bear and when I objected she said "It's ok, he's not real, it's just a doll". I don't really have an argument against that I suppose....then she she violently kicked it again and again, and then stomped on it"s head!!! It was horrible

What do I do? She's right, she's not actually hurting anyone, but it seems so wrong. What do I do, let her be, talk about it? Advice?

[mamazee]

It's possible she's acting out with her toys as a way of dealing with the anxiety she feels being away. That is very stressful for children. The best way to try to ease her anxiety might be just to talk to her about it, or ask questions about school.

At this special school, are the children bossy/cliquish/bullying/mean or anything like that? Are there a lot of children her age? And how are the teachers? If she had anxiety about something like that on top of the stress of being away from home, that would be a bigger concern for me. Has she talked to you about the other kids? Is she making friends? Does she like going to the school? Is it a very competitive kind of school? How many hours is she away from you each day? Does the school have a counselor? He/she might have ideas about how to ease her adjustment.

(I'm not asking you to answer all the questions - those are just things I'd ask myself about how much stress and anxiety the situation could be causing.)

That does seem young to go to a special summer school away from home for so long, so I can see how it could cause stress. I hope things get easier for her!

[fairejour]

DD is deaf and the school is a school for the deaf, so that is why we are here. (It's not to give her boost into Harvard )

The teachers all seem great. They say that she is making friends well, which is normally a struggle for deaf kids, but that she is very good socially. She is excited to go to school everyday. She is at school from 9-4 M-Th but the afternoons are fieldtrips. (Not all work and no play!) So, we leave the hotel at 8:10 and get back at about 4:20 and eat dinner and play and then she goes to bed at 7:30-8:00

We are 1300 miles from home, staying in hotel, without Daddy. I know she is stressed, and I'm trying to be supportive, but what do I say or do, to show her I understand and help relieve some of her worry?

[meemee]

mama dont try to fix anything.

just be there for her.

she is not asking you for help.

she just wants you to be there, while she herself works out what she needs to do.

do not directly talk about what is going on. just show much more love, be a little less strict and do a bunch of things together.

she is processing a lot. and now daddy is not there either. her world does not feel as secure.

just be there. silently. just be there. and soon she will let you in. a little at a time. if she is a touchy huggy child make sure you are in close body contact as much as possible.

when she is upset rub her back if she will allow you close. she may not. dont be upset. she probably is overwhelmed and cant handle you rubbing her back.

also how do you feel when she is being violent with the toys. do you feel 'omg what is wrong with her' (or something like that) or do you feel 'oh my poor child. she is having such a tough time.' i am not asking you to answer this. i have found if i feel empathy from the bottom of my heart - if i see her the way she wants to be 'seen', i have a better sense intuitively to do what she wants rather than what i think she wants. body language i feel is 9/10th of the conversation and our words are not the only form of conversation. whether you use your mouth or hands to speak. its the same thing.

have you asked her how she feels about coming to this school? moving so far. and you can share why you chose this summer school. what you guys were thinking of. what you wanted out of it.

this is a tough age. i have a 7 year old too. almost 8 and she feels she doesnt have a say in life at all. she has no control. 'why do i always have to listen to you?' "why are you the boss of me?'

so these are hard emotional times for our children anyways, plus being away from home, from daddy is making it all that worse.

[fairejour]

We talked about coming to school here, and she was excited. She seems generally happy and pleased about school and the things we are doing, but overall moody and quick to tears.

I think I just need to remember that she has so few choices, everything is done to her, and I need to have more empathy for what that would feel like.

We came all the way out here because there is a limited time that she can get benefit from her hearing, and the window is quickly closing....but she doesn't know that or care.

I think maybe I've been being too strict, because I am stressed too. She is a cuddle monster, and has been sleeping in my bed and sitting on my lap.

I just sometimes lose perspective about how much she must be going through. It's hard to give and give when you get back a lot of nastiness I know she needs me to be a safe place and extra gentle.

[meemee]

Originally Posted by fairejour

I think maybe I've been being too strict, because I am stressed too. She is a cuddle monster, and has been sleeping in my bed and sitting on my lap.

ABSOLUTELY mama!!! do YOU have any support? even if its a friend on the phone who can listen to you vent for a little bit. let me tell you even that makes a WORLD of difference.

its all about perspective. and its hard getting one when you feel so overwhelmed yourself.

i am sure if you are able to get some relief - whatever that may look to you, you will be able to see your dd differently.

s mama. parenting is NOT easy. esp. when you are doing it alone and dh is not there to help you.

[fairejour]

I talk to Dad, and it helps. I think I just hit a wall yesterday, and then she started acting out, and I got super upset and instead of reaching out to her, I pushed her away again.

I see that she is frustrated and neither of us want to back down, so instead of being gentle with her, we have a battle of wills.

I think this little discussion helped a lot. I really think she isn't feeling like she is being heard. Twice when she had huge blow ups she kept saying "You won't let me talk". She's telling me what she needs, I'm just not listening...