Playgroup dilemma: WWYD?

[YayJennie]

I am part of a fantastic playgroup that we've been going to since Wyatt was first born. He's now 15 months old, and the other kids range in age from newborn to about 3 years. I love the moms, and we're all pretty AP, which is nice. And the kids are great, too. But I have a few issues that have been coming up more and more as Wyatt gets more and more mobile.

The older toddlers are very physical. If they hit or are violent, the parents usually step in quickly, but my toddler still ends up crying for a minute because he was hurt. And everyone seems to encourage hugging among the toddlers, which my son is NOT a fan of. He cries every time one of the kids hug him, and I keep telling them he needs his space, but he keeps getting hugged. I really don't like that.

All of the kids have sharing issues as well, which is completely to be expected. However, bless his little soul, my son shares REALLY well (for instance, he got his first taste of a popsicle the other day and LOVED it, and then immediately shared it with his buddy ) I know kids will be kids, but I'm worried Wyatt will start snatching toys and having fits because that's what the other kids do.

Then there's the smaller things like the kids running away from the parents and not listening or yelling or throwing fits. I know I'm lucky, but Wyatt is generally really well behaved, doesn't throw fits (unless he's tired), holds my hand when I ask him to, and generally listens when I say "no" to something or when I need him to do something with me. I don't want him to start throwing fits or running away because that's what he sees other kids doing.

Are these concerns valid or is this just normal "growing up" stuff Wyatt is going to have to deal with? How likely is it that he'll be influenced by the other kid's behaviors and start hitting/stop sharing? He's such a mellow kid; very laid back and easy going, and I really don't want that to change because he sees other kids acting differently. He's too young to understand if I explain that other kids are behaving inappropriately, and I feel like he's at a tender, influential age where he'll take on their behaviors because they're modeled for him.

So would you continue going to playgroup if you were me? I really love the playgroup, despite these concerns. I know I won't find any better group, as, like I said, kids will be kids and these are all pretty minor concerns. I just want to do what's best for my son. So what's more important, keeping him socialized with other kids or keeping him away from "bad" influences (I don't think they're bad, I just don't have a better way of phrasing.)

[Banana731]

How many of the kids are toddlers? Honestly, toddlers (typically) just don't do well in same age play groups. It's not about the differences in their individual personalities, it's just that they can't deal with each other's intensity, kwim? I think that part of the reason that moms do "playgroup" is that it's a chance for them to socialize as well, and if it's just a bunch of toddlers, that becomes nearly impossible.

If it's just a toddler or two during a once a month playdate, then I think that he'll be fine. If it's every week and there are lots of kids his age, I personally, wouldn't go very often. I would try to set up small dates with the moms from the group I really liked, who had kids with personalities that matched my child's.

[mamadelbosque]

We do playgrup 2x a week w/ like-age kids (mostly from 1-3 yrs, though in the summer they enlarge w/ older siblings ). Yes there are issues w/ sharing/hitting/etc occasionally, but I think its been *GREAT* for ds1 - we've been going pretty religiously for the past 1.5+ yrs now (started when ds1 was ~20 or so months), and he has definet friends in playgroup and will be going to preschool w/ one of them this fall.

I think learning to share and deal w/ others is part of growing up and learning about the world. I'd keep going. If your dc starts acting out more, maybe let up, but overall IMO plgygroup is *GREAT* for kids - ours have anywhere from 3-15 kids depending on the week.

[LadyCatherine185]

I have one of those "other" toddlers you described. He doesn't throw fits and sometimes listens well, but he does NOT share, and can be more "aggressive" at times. I stopped having playgroups with some friends for awhile because their child was younger and I was constantly having to redirect my DS. They did NOT play well together.

That said, I don't think your DS will "pick up" these behaviors from the other kids. It is all normal toddler behavior, and your son probably just hasn't reached that stage yet. 15 months is still pretty young for tantrums and exerting a lot of independance.

In your shoes, I would speak up about the "hugging" situation. You can't control the un-sharing or hitting that might happen, but just make sure if it does they don't make it worse with the hugging. I personally think it is good for toddlers to be around other kids, their age, younger, and older. I feel like it helps them learn to interact with eachother. You could back off for a little while until your DS becomes more verbal and more confident, etc so that you don't feel like he is always the one getting "picked on."

[lifeguard]

Try to keep in perspective that your dc is 15 months & how he is now is not necessarily how he will continue.

At 15 months ds was laid back, never clutched a toy, was pretty quiet & went along with whatever I wanted. At 20 months he is VERY different, & not just at the drop-in centre we go to regularly.

What you describe is developmentally appropriate for this age group so I guess the question is whether or not you want to be around it.

[serenbat]

we don't do playgroups- we do free time-on our own

we do the park and mix with all types of parents and kids- if we are not happy around a certain group, we move, go at a different time, etc

you might want to try a little time away from group, you could always go back or go less often

[elmh23]

Honestly, he will probably go through moments of hitting/toy stealing/defiance with you, but it probably wouldn't matter whether or not you attended this playgroup.

My oldest child was a lot like how you describe your son. Then when she was about 2.5 the tide changed and she got an opinion and realized she could actually run away from me. It happens.

[zinemama]

Originally Posted by elmh23

Honestly, he will probably go through moments of hitting/toy stealing/defiance with you, but it probably wouldn't matter whether or not you attended this playgroup.

Yep.

Don't let fear of him "being influenced" by normal toddler behaviors that he will probably acquire on his own anyway keep you away if you like spending time with your friends.

[happysmileylady]

I agree with the others, how the child is at 15 months isn't necessarily how he or she will be at 20 months or so. My dd is 20 months now, we haven't ever done playgroups, just for lack of opportunity, and she is much more "aggressive" now (or perhaps the proper term is more stubborn? ) than she was at 15 months. Wyatt might be a sweet gentle angel now, but that could change, even without exposure to the other kids, in the next few months, just as he grows and matures and learns.

Or not. It could also be that you stay with the playgroup, and he remains the same temperment, and then THAT starts to rub off on the other kids and everyone is better for it.

But either way, I do think it's good for kids to learn how to "work it out themselves." Meaning, don't necessarily let the other kids continue to be violent with him, but it sounds like that's pretty well taken care of anyway. Rather I mean that by experiencing kids who are more physical, who don't share as often etc, he will learn how to deal with all sorts of kids. So I suggest continuing with the playgroup.

[ElliesMomma]

i don't think that hitting is a phase that all kids go through. my daughter just turned 4. she has never hit. (she has also never been hit.) we have been spending an increasing amount of time with our neighbor's kids, two boys 6 and 4, and a little sister, 2. the younger son in particular is very bad about hitting. he pushes his sister a lot, and their mom sends them into "time out" for these infractions.

this morning, my daughter pushed her baby brother (9 months old) for the first time that i have ever seen her do something like this. i felt like i had to nip this thing in the bud, and asked where she learned to do that. the neighbor's boys, she said. i told her that in our family, we don't hit. maybe they do things differently over there, but in our family we are still not going to do it. i revisited the topic before bed tonight when we discussed our usual, "what was the best and worst parts of your day." also i refrained us from stopping by to play there tonight after our walk around the block "until you can show me that you are not going to copy hitting and pushing from them in our own family."

granted, my daughter is 4, not 15 months old... but maybe you can find a way to continue going to playgroup, but start having detailed discussions with your kiddo about when these "offending" things happen during playgroup. since he's so "good" about all of the stuff, you can just reinforce that you are so proud and impressed with his behavior, especially when he sees that others aren't quite so much, and that you love how it is continuing in the face of all of that.

i would guess that even a toddler would "get" most of what you are saying, if you were to say something like that.

[Yuba_River]

Originally Posted by LadyCatherine185

I have one of those "other" toddlers you described. He doesn't throw fits and sometimes listens well, but he does NOT share, and can be more "aggressive" at times. I stopped having playgroups with some friends for awhile because their child was younger and I was constantly having to redirect my DS. They did NOT play well together.

That said, I don't think your DS will "pick up" these behaviors from the other kids. It is all normal toddler behavior, and your son probably just hasn't reached that stage yet. 15 months is still pretty young for tantrums and exerting a lot of independance.

In your shoes, I would speak up about the "hugging" situation. You can't control the un-sharing or hitting that might happen, but just make sure if it does they don't make it worse with the hugging. I personally think it is good for toddlers to be around other kids, their age, younger, and older. I feel like it helps them learn to interact with eachother. You could back off for a little while until your DS becomes more verbal and more confident, etc so that you don't feel like he is always the one getting "picked on."

I agree with all of this!

[34me]

My ds#1 was that kid. Threw fits at the drop of a hat, bit his older sister on a regular basis, hit, snatched you name it. He is still an intese kid at 14. His younger brother has always been a mellow kiddo. He didn't learn any of his brothers less becoming attributes, and unfortunately doesn't even defend himself well.

[mamazee]

Those behaviors are normal for toddlers, but not for very young toddlers like your son, so honestly he'll probably hit that stage at some point and start with the exact same stuff pretty soon whether you go or not. If you enjoy the playgroup, I'd keep going. He will probably act like that at some point but it won't be because he picked it up or learned it from them, it'll be becasue it's a normal development stage.

[shanniesue2]

DS was very different at 15 months than he was at 20 months and than he is now at 28 months. It wasn't until just a month or two ago that he really started exhibiting the kinds of behaviors you described... and he's good at sharing some things (food, like you described), but he's really grabby about other things. Also, sometimes he's good about listening and sometimes we get tantrums and whatnot whenever we're trying to get him to do something. It's just part of the age, but it wasn't part of the age when he was 15 months old. Anyway, I try to be right on top of it and am trying to help him learn to ask before taking something, and then wait, trade, or find something else...sometimes it goes well and sometimes it's more of a struggle, but these are skills that ALL toddlers have to learn. And I also think it's a good thing for toddlers/young children to learn how to be assertive with others who are having difficulty sharing. It's just another aspect of social skills. Honestly, I think the way you described the group is probably the best kind of group for your son to learn these skills in because it sounds like the moms are all really on top of things and trying to work with their kiddos. Much better than a free-for-all type situation.

As for hugging, you can teach you son to put his hand up and say, "Stop!" If he's verbal enough, he can add "no hug please." I think it's important for kids to learn to be assertive about their personal space. If he's not comfortable with hugging that's fine, and it's okay for him to assert that. If he's not verbal yet, you can model it for him... so when another child goes to give him a hug, step in, put your hand up and say, "Stop, please. No hugs." And if your child like hive fives or fist bumps or some other kind of friendly touch, you could then say, "high five?" and help the kids give each other high fives instead (or whatever kind of touch your child is comfortable with).

[rightkindofme]

I have tons of personal space issues so I would put my foot down about the hugging. No one should have to endure physical touch they don't want to experience. period.

The rest of the stuff? I'd let it go. At 15 months I also had one of the angelic never hit, shared perfectly, zero behavior issues children. Now at about 25 months... well... we have our moments. I just recently (like within the last couple months) managed to hook up with a few moms from MDC for a play group after not really having that kind of interaction for most of the first two years. I am so overwhelmingly grateful that I am building a support network that I think I would be willing to navigate just about any issue short of my child getting beaten up. I am also learning some really useful for me lessons about how other people navigate parenting. Some of it I feel like it wouldn't work for me, some of it has been truly inspiring. You have to take the good with the bad if you want relationships with people. Luckily I am thrilled with the people I am hanging out with so far so there hasn't been much bad to put up with.

So uhm, yeah. I'd probably try to figure it out in your situation. If you and the moms get along then that support is really hard to do without. Behavioral stuff amongst the kids is going to come and go over time no matter what.

[tbone_kneegrabber]

I am with the pps who say, stop the hugging if your kid doesn't like it, but all the other stuff is normal kid stuff, and unless you don't ever want to be around other kids, you have to take it in stride.

Also it always seems like that kid who is already 2 or 3 is aggressive/bullying/pushing/tanturm throwing/out of control monster, until your kid is 2 or 3. Then you go, "oh, now I get it."

ds loves to share food, but recently decided he hates sharing his clothes (sometimes other kids need a change at our house or at his school).

Is there a possibility that your kid will start doing things that they other kids are now doing, yes. But it will be a corealtaion not a causation, perhaps he would have started anyway.

As long as you like the parents, the way other parents are dealing with their kids, and generally your kid has a good time, then I would keep going.

[Mal85]

I think this is where the beauty of playgroups comes into play. Part of socializing our kids is to teach them how to stand up for themselves, learn to respect each other's boundaries. Basically learn appropriate social behaviors. Learning that has bumps (and bruises) along the way. The kids have a great advantage of meeting people with different personalities at such a young age and we use the opportunity to teach them acceptable behaviors.

It's not easy and sometimes there are kids who will get hurt, be it physically hurt or emotionally hurt. It's all a learning process. It's not always going to be easy to watch our kids learn life's lessons, but we can't just pull them away from other people when it gets rough. I don't think so anyway.

I wouldn't worry so much about the other kid's behavior as long as their parents are stepping in when they need to. You also need to be able to hang back at times and see if your son can handle it himself. He can't have you fight his battles for him forever. If he doesn't want to be hugged, he will learn how to tell them that.

[wondertwins]

Hmm I guess my experience is not typical, but thought I would share as it sounds similar to OP's. When my twins were 18 months I started a playgroup open to children nb - 2 years (and of course changed the age to 3 years when my kids turned 2 ). DD and DS were not the kids who took toys from others or pushed or hit, maybe their experience is unique because they experimented with these behaviors on one another, rather than their playmates. There were and are children who did take toys, push and generally act in age appropriate ways, and that did concern me for a while as like you I didn't want the twins to pick these things up. They didn't. They have always shared, in our house everyone has an open-ended turn with a toy, and when they are done they pass it on, and this behavior has never wavered with them.

So as a been there, done that, I think there is a good chance that Wyatt won't pick up his peers behaviors from playgroup. Just the other day one of DS's friends took a toy from him. We live by the "we don't take things from one another rule" in our house, so much so that when DH grabbed a pair of scissors out of DD's hand, DS ran to me and said "Daddy took something out of M's hand, we don't take things". So when DS's friend took a toy it really hurt his feelings and he just dropped his head, ran to me and sobbed. Of course I felt for him, but I was also so pleased that his response wasn't to retaliate.

As for the hugs, would he be okay with a high five or a pat on the back? I know a lot of parents want their LO's to help soothe the person they've hurt. Could you give them suggestions on how they could help Wyatt feel better?

[YayJennie]

Thank you for all the replies. I just want to clarify that the kids in the playgroup are not misbehaving or acting inappropriately for their age...they're all wonderful kids and I would never think of them as "little monsters"! I just see some behaviors that Wyatt does not exhibit and I don't want him to learn them from the other kids if he wouldn't otherwise. Obviously, kids all go through developmental stages and Wyatt may, or may not, pick up on some of the behaviors I listed regardless of playgroup. But I wanted to see what other moms have experienced with this type of thing. I don't expect Wyatt to be a little angel forever, but one can hope!

Also, I didn't mention this in the OP, but Wyatt has gone through a hitting phase. He was hitting us and the dog with his toys, and we quickly and firmly taught him "gentle" and would intercept anytime he would hit inappropriately (I encouraged him to bang on his drums and other toys, just not other people or the dog). He has been a lot better since then, and rarely hits, and now understands "gentle" and will use gentle touch if I redirect him if he is hitting. I guess that was more my worry, since we worked hard to help Wyatt understand what is and isn't appropriate touch, I don't want him "confused" by witnessing other toddlers hitting. But maybe that concern is unfounded.

I think I will take the suggestions to meet in smaller groups or one on one. That seems to be when Wyatt interacts the most anyway, and when I have the most fun one on one with my mom friends.

[mamazee]

It is very common for toddlers, even toddlers who understand "gentle" and have been able to be gentle in the past, to go through an aggressive stage when they're 2. So if he goes through an aggressive stage, it won't necessarily be because he picked up that behavior from someone else.

But yeah if it frustrates you and you're having a better time one-on-one with another mom/toddler, then that's the way to go.