I don't like you Mommy. You're not my Friend!

[Addy's Mom]

So my 3.5 year old is doing a new tantrum stage when he doesn't get his way. That in itself isn't a problem and we handle tantrums pretty well. But he's started saying things like "I don't like you Mommy." "You're not my friend anymore, Mommy!" "Go away!"

I was telling a friend of mine about this the other day, and she said she'd never let her son speak to her like that, that it's disrespectful.

I've been trying to encourage my son to talk about his feelings about things, and that it's OK to be mad or sad or frustrated, etc. He's average verbally, for his age, if it matters. I tell him it's fine to be mad at me or what I'm doing, etc., but I've never addressed his saying he doesn't like me. Should I try to discourage him from doing so? Is it because he doesn't have a super-huge vocab? Or does that not matter?

[2xy]

I have never understood the mentality that kids who voice their opinions or say how they feel are being disrespectful. IMO, a 3yo who tells you to go away is far better than a 3yo who hits you for being near him. He's telling you he needs space or doesn't want your company, in the only way he presently knows how.

Now, if my 18yo told me "go away," I would think it to be rude...because he knows better words to use and should already understand consideration for the feelings of others.

[mama_tigress]

I think it just sounds completely and totally normal, and I wouldn't bother to do anything about it. Once in a while if my son is really going on about it I will respond by saying, "Gosh, I'm sorry you are feeling so much anger towards me right now." But I really usually don't even engage him when he's like that.

As far as your friend, not to be rude but I actually think it's kind of disrespectful to a child to expect him to be able to have respect for you when he is very upset. It's just developmentally appropriate for kids to say those kinds of things.

[mamazee]

I believe this kind of talk is testing behavior at this age, to see if your love is unconditional even in the face of their challenging behavior, so I always answer with, "That's too bad, but I still love you" (or like you, or want to be with you, or whatever.) I don't think it's done at the age of 3.5 with the intention of disrespect, so I wouldn't approach it from that angle. I try not to assume the worst possible intention.

[mama_tigress]

Originally Posted by mamazee

I believe this kind of talk is testing behavior at this age, to see if your love is unconditional even in the face of their challenging behavior, so I always answer with, "That's too bad, but I still love you" (or like you, or want to be with you, or whatever.) I don't think it's done at the age of 3.5 with the intention of disrespect, so I wouldn't approach it from that angle. I try not to assume the worst possible intention.

Oh yeah, I forgot to say I also add "I still love you" after saying I'm sorry he feels so angry. I think that's important to add. Actually sometimes no matter what he is doing when he's being destructive or just mean to me or his brothers, sometimes I just stop him, look him in the eye, and say, "I love you." Usually he denies this ("No you don't!") but I notice that it calms him a bit, and reassures him.

[mizzoh]

personally i do not see it as disrepectful. he's 3 and at that age they don't always have the ability to express themselves. when my ds does this i often give him the words that i think he wants to say like "you are mad at me because of x,y,z"

[NiteNicole]

It is great to talk about your feelings, it's less great to use your words to lash out at people. In our family, it is always ok to say I'm angry, I'm angry at you, I need to be by myself, etc. It is not ok to do all the I hate you, you're not my friend, go away business.

[livinlovinlaughin]

Originally Posted by mizzoh

personally i do not see it as disrepectful. he's 3 and at that age they don't always have the ability to express themselves. when my ds does this i often give him the words that i think he wants to say like "you are mad at me because of x,y,z"

Originally Posted by NiteNicole

It is great to talk about your feelings, it's less great to use your words to lash out at people. In our family, it is always ok to say I'm angry, I'm angry at you, I need to be by myself, etc. It is not ok to do all the I hate you, you're not my friend, go away business.

I agree with the above statements. I agree a child that age may not mean to be disrespectful or hurtful but I feel it is my job to teach my child how to express feelings without being hurtful. I think it could be confusing to allow this and let them learn it is ok, only to later "punish" them for the same behavior or statements when they are older. If it were me I would put an end to that statement right away.

[hakeber]

Originally Posted by mama_tigress

I think it just sounds completely and totally normal, and I wouldn't bother to do anything about it. Once in a while if my son is really going on about it I will respond by saying, "Gosh, I'm sorry you are feeling so much anger towards me right now." But I really usually don't even engage him when he's like that.

As far as your friend, not to be rude but I actually think it's kind of disrespectful to a child to expect him to be able to have respect for you when he is very upset. It's just developmentally appropriate for kids to say those kinds of things.

Me too.

Originally Posted by mamazee

I believe this kind of talk is testing behavior at this age, to see if your love is unconditional even in the face of their challenging behavior, so I always answer with, "That's too bad, but I still love you" (or like you, or want to be with you, or whatever.) I don't think it's done at the age of 3.5 with the intention of disrespect, so I wouldn't approach it from that angle. I try not to assume the worst possible intention.

This, too. I actually think it's perfectly valid to say: I don't like you, right now, You are not being a good friend, I'm mad at you, and I wish you'd go away. For a 3 yo Your ds is doing pretty good. The most you can do is feed him the words for even better communication.

There are some words I would probably not allow, like hate... That's a word we don't like to use in our house for people. You can hate broccoli or carrots or mosquitoes, but people have feelings.

TBH I didn't really get this sort of thing from ds until he was nearly 5 and I am pretty sure he picked it up from his friend who used it on him, so I have been able to give him better words and engage with the feelings, talk about it. The most important thing is to remind him that you still love him no matter what he's feeling.

As an aside, when DS has said this to me, I have a very hard time not singing The Beatles song, I don't like you, but I love you... But he doesn't like it when I turn our life into a musical anymore, so I've stopped. At least out loud....on the inside I'm constantly mid-aria.

[Pariah]

I agree with the PPs that this is a normal thing for the age. My son is four and this comes out occasionally if he's angry. When he calms down and we talk, I tell him that it hurts my feelings because I love him very much. He apologizes and tells me he still loves me, too. After going through this a few times, the instances of him saying things like that has decreased. I think with time/repetition he will learn that it isn't an appropriate way to express himself. And yes, he's still a little guy so I wouldn't beat yourself up over it since he's still learning about appropriate ways to express emotions.

But I really usually don't even engage him when he's like that.

Same here...addressing it right at that moment usually doesn't do much, so we do a quiet time/time out/whatever you want to call it for him to calm down, then we discuss the situation. That's been working well for us.

[hakeber]

Originally Posted by livinlovinlaughin

I agree with the above statements. I agree a child that age may not mean to be disrespectful or hurtful but I feel it is my job to teach my child how to express feelings without being hurtful. I think it could be confusing to allow this and let them learn it is ok, only to later "punish" them for the same behavior or statements when they are older. If it were me I would put an end to that statement right away.

While I understand what you're saying, I think it's difficult for a toddler to express themselves, and the words the OP's kid is using are pretty great for such a little kid. If you set the bar too high you might be met with frustration and more anger/meltdowns, because they want to express themselves appropriately, but they haven't mastered the words to use them in a highly emotional moment. If you've ever tried to learn a new language, and then tried to use new phrases or verb tenses when you are scared, angry or nervous, you can probably relate.

For me the idea is not at all that I would punish my kids LATER for this behavior but that as they grow give them more and more vocabulary and structures to express themselves appropriately, and kindly. I think it's important to keep our communicative expectations age appropriate.

As an analogy, I don't expect my 6 mo old to keep the food off her chin when she eats, but I don't think it will confuse her later when I show her how to wipe her face and ask her not to talk with her mouth full of food later on. As they grow they learn better manners.

[NiteNicole]

We have always been able to give my daughter "better" words and she's always incorporated them pretty easily. I don't think I've had to remind her more than once or twice on pretty much anything. I'd rather suggest something more like "I'm mad at you, I want to be by myself" than hear "I hate you, go away!" Again, I can only speak for my own kid but at 3.5 lot of that talk was not JUST her expressing her feelings, there was an element of lashing out as well and we just don't do that in this family at any age and I am GOING to remind her that we don't talk to each other like that. FEELINGS are always ok, but being mean is not. Even when you're mad, your feelings aren't the only ones that count.

[Addy's Mom]

Thanks for the feedback everyone. I think I will continue to help with more words to express himself, but not address the "I don't like yous," at least not yet.

[livinlovinlaughin]

Originally Posted by hakeber

While I understand what you're saying, I think it's difficult for a toddler to express themselves, and the words the OP's kid is using are pretty great for such a little kid. If you set the bar too high you might be met with frustration and more anger/meltdowns, because they want to express themselves appropriately, but they haven't mastered the words to use them in a highly emotional moment. If you've ever tried to learn a new language, and then tried to use new phrases or verb tenses when you are scared, angry or nervous, you can probably relate.

For me the idea is not at all that I would punish my kids LATER for this behavior but that as they grow give them more and more vocabulary and structures to express themselves appropriately, and kindly. I think it's important to keep our communicative expectations age appropriate.

As an analogy, I don't expect my 6 mo old to keep the food off her chin when she eats, but I don't think it will confuse her later when I show her how to wipe her face and ask her not to talk with her mouth full of food later on. As they grow they learn better manners.

I understand what you are saying also. My analogy would be, I would not allow my child to walk on the furniture just because I think it is great that the child can walk at his/her age then one day when they are older try to teach that what they have been doing all along is not allowed. I agree they learn better manners as they grow but that is only if we teach them.

Originally Posted by NiteNicole

We have always been able to give my
daughter "better" words and she's always incorporated them pretty easily. I don't think I've had to remind her more than once or twice on pretty much anything. I'd rather suggest something more like "I'm mad at you, I want to be by myself" than hear "I hate you, go away!" Again, I can only speak for my own kid but at 3.5 lot of that talk was not JUST her expressing her feelings, there was an element of lashing out as well and we just don't do that in this family at any age and I am GOING to remind her that we don't talk to each other like that. FEELINGS are always ok, but being mean is not. Even when you're mad, your feelings aren't the only ones that count.

This is what I was trying to say.

[lmk1]

My 2y8mo says "Go Away" to my mom a lot, but rarely to anyone else. I know my mom gets very upset about this, and she tells me that I should tell him that it's not nice to say things like that. But, what does "not nice" mean? He's telling her what he wants her to do, not to upset her,but because she's in his space, interfering with his activity or he's afraid that she's going to replace me in whatever game we're playing. He can't really say "I want to play with mama, and not you right now"....he just doesn't have the vocabulary, and I'm not sure that that's not "rude" either if it was coming from an older child. I don't have a 3.5 yo yet...but I think ability to communicate really varies between children...one 3.5 yo may be far beyond another one in communication, so I don't think it's really fair to compare what one 3.5 is capable of saying (and understanding about feelings) to another. I'm so thrilled that my ds is saying what he thinks (he was a late talker), that while I would try to expand his vocabulary, I think it's up to the adult to realize what's realistic. It may take one child just one time to learn to express their displeasure in a different way, and it may take another much longer.

[RiverSky]

I don't think it's disrespectful for such a young child to go through a phase like that. I think it's normal. That doesn't mean I think that parents should just ignore it, but it is a time when parents can get a little creative and give their children the extra love they can always use.

Originally Posted by Addy's Mom

But he's started saying things like "I don't like you Mommy." "You're not my friend anymore, Mommy!" "Go away!"

When my children went through phases like this and said things like that, I would reply, "oh my, you must be very angry with me! I am sorry to hear that but just so you know, I will love you forever and ever no matter what!"

I felt like I was validating my child's feelings, showing that I cared about my child's feelings and then reinforcing that I had unconditional love for my child, even if they were cranky or said angry things to me.

"I will love you forever and ever no matter what" became a mantra for a while, and it was so gratifying the first time my eldest said it to me, out of the blue, "I love you forever and ever, Mama, no matter what."

[mamazee]

It's just a difference in perspective. Rather than thinking "he's being rude", I'd think, "He hasn't learned to be polite." So there's no point in getting angry. You have to know how to be polite and rude to be rude. If you're just using what is available to you, it isn't rudeness, even if that's how it sounds to our ears. I don't think it helps to give adult intention to child actions. So by all means I'd explain, nicely and calmly, how I'd rather be talked to, but I wouldn't consider it to be rude or that he's trying to hurt my feelings.

I think this is a hard thing about this age, that their langauage is so good but they haven't learned social skills. It's easy to misinterpret them because if an adult talked like that, it would be rudeness.