Does your dc's ncp go "above and beyond"?

[darien]

Stbx has actually been a better dad to our dc since we split, but that's not saying much. He has them one weeknight and EOW, and has not missed any. He actually showed up for their school graduations!

On the other hand, we've been separated for 4.5 months, and he has called them 0 times, asked for extra time with them 0 times. I had made it very clear that he was welcome to both.

I only know a few divorced people IRL, but it seems like their ncp's are all gems! I'm not trying to complain, because my dc have it pretty good! I am curious, though. Do your dc's "other" parents go the extra mile?

[*MamaJen*]

Yes and no. Logistically and financially, I do just about all the heavy lifting. But I would say he became more involved and responsible for DS after we split. He definitely makes it clear that he loves DS and is invested in being a part of his life. He would never be the kind of dad to drop out of DS's life, I know that for sure.
A few weeks ago he actually bought diapers to keep at his house. That was a big step for him.

[kdmama33]

No, he doesn't. He hasn't seen his children in three years, he calls once or twice a month, and he Skypes once a month or so if I arrange it and give him a reminder call the day of the "appointment". He forgot DD's birthday this year. He's very selfish; it seems to be his defining character trait for the past several years.

[StephandOwen]

My own ex is.... well.... we won't go into it but he definitely doesn't qualify for this thread

However, when my parents got divorced (10 years ago) I can tell you that my own father stepped up to the plate and went above and beyond At the time of the divorce us kids were 19, 17, 15 (me), 14 and 3. He has always made sure we knew we were welcome at his house (our family home- mom moved out) any time. He never followed the parenting agreement but took us way more than he was "supposed to". We were at his house as much as mom would let us (and, let's face it, you can't really tell 14, 15 and 17 year olds what to do so mom didn't have much control over it). On Friday nights he would get off work at midnight and come pick us up from mom's house and we'd go back to his house (sometimes stopping at Taco Bell on the way because he was hungry as he'd worked through dinner to get to us earlier. LOL! Isn't it funny how something so small sticks in your head?). Anyway, we all pretty much moved in with him as soon as we could (when we hit 18 for the older kids- the one who was 3 is now 14 and has been living with him full time for a few years). The youngest one (only minor child between the two of them) has lived with him for years- visits our mom maybe once a month for a couple hours- but dad still pays mom child support. Why? I don't know. I'll never understand why he didn't have the custody changed and get the child support dropped (or, technically, she should be paying him child support!). But to him it's not about the money. He has done everything he can for all of his children. He sent me to a private ($$$) school for high school. My youngest sister (the now 14 year old) he's sent to the same private school since Kindergarten ($$$$). It doesn't matter how much he has to struggle to afford it, it doesn't matter what he has to give up for himself- it's a sacrifice he's made without any second thoughts.

Ever since we were little kids (long before my parents divorced) dad would call us at 7:35 every night he was at work to say goodnight. When they got divorced this didn't stop. He still called at 7:35 every night to say goodnight. This happened every night he was working until well past when I was 18

When I had my son I was young. I was still living with my dad at the time but he was totally supportive of me (even though I knew he wasn't happy with me being pregnant and I knew he was disappointed he still supported me). When I moved out for less than 3 months because I wanted to prove I was a big girl he helped me move everything into an apartment with ds's bio-dad. Less than 3 months later he helped me move it all back into his house when I called him one morning asking for help. He was there within 20 minutes with his truck and open arms. When I got another bug up my butt and wanted to prove I was independent a few years later he helped me move again.... and helped me move back home again about a year later. (Then a few months after that he helped me move again, one last time.... this one was for good though ).

He has helped me out tremendously with my ds. At one point ds was going to therapy/preschool 2-3 times a week but I couldn't always take him because I was working. My dad would get home from work at about 5am, sleep for 3 hours then get up and come pick ds up from where I was working, take him to therapy, pick him up 2 1/2 hours later and bring him back to me. Then he would go home and take a nap for 2 hours, go pick up my little sister from school and then head to work for the next 12 hours. On 4-5 hours of sleep. And he never once complained about it.

I could go on and on but all that to say- there are good ncp's out there!

[RollerCoasterMama]

We separated last summer (my idea) but were still in the same house for another 6 months. In that time he really tried to do more. And really, he was more involved in the day-to-day stuff then ever before. I purposefully stepped back and let him do it because I knew they needed to get comfortable with each other.

Once DS and I moved out, it has fluctuated. Sometimes he wants to be super-dad. And sometimes he flakes out (ex: schedule motorcycle license class for the whole weekend he should have DS...before leaving town for a month---and he doesn't own a motorcycle). He's a classic well-meaning, but just doesn't think kind of guy. He likes to make big super-dad gestures...or talk about them anyway. But the reality is a little more mediocre. But he means well. And even mediocre, he is more involved with DS than he was before we moved out. Before then, he never had him alone for more than an hour or so. He always had plans with friends to go out of town or watch football or something...he was gone a lot. If I was out of town or busy, I took DS with me. So I actually get more time to myself now than I ever did before. I wouldn't say he's "stepped up". But I would say he's trying harder and more involved.

His own dad moved out of state, remarried and had a new family and blew off visitation all the time. His first divorce, he left state and gave up his rights to let the step-dad adopt the kids. He's been on both sides of doing things wrong and he's trying to get it right this time. It's not perfect, but he is trying. And I've found that when he does stupid things like reschedule time with his son for something flakey, if I point it out gently, he takes the hint and does better for a long time.

Like I said...not perfect, but he tries.

[meemee]

depends on what you call extra mile. it will differ depending on who answers - me or him.

however he tries. and that's all i ask.

i have also noticed a progression. when dd was younger than 3 he would only do short visits and take her out too. but short.

after 3 things changed. i guess he had more confidence in himself.

but dd was 5 or 6 before he wanted her for extra time. to take her to a halloween party. his friends take her places so once in a blue moon he does ask for extra time with her. she was 6 before he did things that dd liked to do like go out for a movie.

so yes i would say he does go the extra inch perhaps - not a mile. but he tries to the best he can and that's enough for me. however in another way he does go the extra mile when dd is with him. he really tries to be the best dad she can have. he does neat stuff with her. she definitely feels loved. respected? maybe not so much. she is super independent and he has a hard time with that. she is a child and she must listen to her dad. however according to dd he has never ever yelled at her or spanked her. both of which i have done. spanked her one time out of frustration but she remembers.

steph my xfil was like your dad. he divorced xmil with 5 sons but he was always around taking care of them. even though his new wife objected he still paid xmil alimony when he didnt have to. he watched out not only for his kids but also his xwife and after she moved he always made it a point to visit her once a year when he visited his son.

and yet his sons were not the best ex's either when teh kids were young. but as teh children became adults they had a closer relationship. however their kids are much closer to their mothers than their fathers and in our case the same seem to be happening too.

[simplemama32]

Stbx and I have been separated for a little over 3 months, and he has been a good dad in that time...i.e., has not missed visits, except once I think. He and DS talk (well, as much as a 2 yr. old can talk on the phone) almost every night, but it's because I call him (at my suggestion) so DS can say goodnight.

I'm the one who has suggested 99% of the visitation schedule, and STBX has gone along with it so far, with the semi-frequent, conflicting complaints of being too busy to have DS on certain days and yet also saying he doesn't see him enough.

In a nutshell, I feel like he does almost everything asked of him, but not more. Maybe it will be different as DS gets older...I could definitely see stbx as someone who relates a lot better to an older kid. For DS's sake, I hope so.

Sometimes, I wonder if I'm being too hard on stbx...my own father was such a wonderful, loving, playful dad that I think it would be hard for a lot guys to measure up to him in my book. STBX doesn't even try, though.