something is wrong with me need advice

[sosurreal09]

IDK what to do who to call or whats going on

i feel like im having a mental breakdown. im so stressed out and anxious and depressed im barely getting through the day. i yelled at my 9 m/o yesterday and had to put her down while she was screaming b/c i couldnt handle it. i felt like i was going to hurt her or something...idk what to do. i came from a very abusive home and i dont know how to deal with things. i have been through alot in my life but have always coped very well. im not on any meds i dont have therapy...i used to go but then my insurance got cancled and i got it back but havent gone since.

i would never hurt my DD i love her so much and i just keep crying and idk why. i really dont have any family except my sis and she has mental problems. im a single mom and my mom passed away from suicide when i was 15. i am freaking out b/c i have been feeling like i cant take life anymore but i mean i wouldnt actually hurt myself KWIM? so what do i do? can PPD just pop up at 9 month PP? im normally very patient and loving with DD and shes very high needs. i am still very loving toward her but havent been myself lately and im getting so frustrated so easily and i can NOT deal with her crying. like at all i just cant deal i have been trying my best to be strong for her and she is safe and all i didnt let her CIO or anything but im WORRIED about myself right now and my state of mind. she BFs btw and im a SAHM right now b/c im on unemployment...have been her whole life. i cant like go to some hospital or something b/c no one could take DD and she would be hysterical without me. i just feel like i want to bash my head against a wall or something like i can not deal with anything right now. im very overwhelmed and not for any particular reason. no big changes recently. idk what to do please help.

[MeepyCat]

PPD can show up at this stage, and severe anxiety can show up anytime in response to stress.

Being a single parent is stressful.
Having limited means is stressful.
Recovering from emotional and physical trauma is stressful (sometimes for years and years).
Feeling like you have no idea what you're doing as a parent is stressful.
Having no support network to help you is stressful.
Most babies start sleeping badly for a bit at around nine months, that's stressful.

And I don't think those are all the sources of stress in your situation.

I think you need help, and if the only way to get it is to take your daughter with you, then that's what you should do. Call your old therapist, say it's an emergency. Or your primary care doctor if that's what you've got.

I hope that things are better soon.

[BellinghamCrunchie]

meepyCat said it perfectly, so I can't think of what to add. Get to the doctor asap; you CAN feel better than this, life WILL be better than this. It does sound like PPD (which can hit many months after the birth).

[Arianwen1174]

Big hugs, Mama!

[sosurreal09]

yeah but do they let you bring your baby? i dont want her to be taken away from me. then sent my mom somewhere when i was little and she was gone for a year and they would not even let us visit her except once and it was horrible they attacked her for running towards us and stabbed her with a needle and she went to sleep. that was when i was 8. im terrified of places like that needless to say. maybe if i got immediate outpatient therapy it would be enough?

[laohaire]

I was freaking out from anxiety and on Friday morning I called my primary care doctor (a family practice). I didn't even know who to call. They got me in that afternoon, that evening I had two prescriptions, and that night I already felt better (one of the prescriptions was specifically a fast-working drug).

I didn't think I was going to make it through the weekend, I thought I was going to have to check myself into the hospital.

Obviously you might not feel that much better that fast (but you might!!) - but call.

Oh, and I've been a better parent these last 3 days than I have in a few years. Just because I feel much more able to cope.

[laohaire]

Originally Posted by anielasmommy09

yeah but do they let you bring your baby? i dont want her to be taken away from me. then sent my mom somewhere when i was little and she was gone for a year and they would not even let us visit her except once and it was horrible they attacked her for running towards us and stabbed her with a needle and she went to sleep. that was when i was 8. im terrified of places like that needless to say. maybe if i got immediate outpatient therapy it would be enough?

Oh, hon. Yes, get outpatient therapy. You have this choice.

[MeepyCat]

YES to the outpatient therapy. You do have this choice. When I said "bring your daughter with you," what I meant was "go to the doctor with her along."

ETA: When I was at my worst, my pediatrician floated the idea of respite care - a few hours of babysitting a week. It didn't work out for me, but it's something you might ask your doctor about.

[AllisonR]

I just want to send you some hugs. I think with all you have on your plate, even the most calm, confident, patient person in the world would be STRESSED OUT!! Being stressed is the NORMAL reaction when you have so much. Though I personally see you having to be there for your DD 24/7 with no breaks and no support as the hugest hurdle. I'd call your doc ASAP, maybe sooner, and through out the process I'd insist on some kind of respite care. Or find a friend and lean on him/her 3 hours once a week. You need a break!

FWIW I had PTSD after DS was born, and on several occasions I was so frustrated and overwhelmed I put him down on the bed while he screamed, I walked out the door, sat on the steps and had a cigarette (and I wasn't a smoker). Then after I took 15 minutes to calm down, I went back in to him. I figure doing that was about 1000% better than hitting, shaking or throwing him out the window - which is what I felt like doing. And twice I called a friend and said, "You have to come - NOW - right now."

[sosurreal09]

TY ladies. i went to the Dr.'s and they put me on zoloft 25mg i have to look into therapy on my own. idk about the respite care. my SIL (who is so snobby and materialistic i want to throw up around her. ie Aniela needs baby uggs! (yeah right)) offered to watch her a few hours on saturday but she lives 1.5hrs away and then the whole time shes watching her what exactly am i suppose to do? besides that she never lets anyone go to her house so her idea of watching Aniela is to go shopping so shes in the car most of the time which makes for a miserable baby after 1.5hr drive. (my baby does not sleep in the car unless she was tired in the first place she has gone a 2hr drive before screaming for about 1hr of it with me pulling over ever 2 seconds trying to console her without taking her out). so thats really not going to work for us. i need someone who wants to come here and watch her.

[MeepyCat]

Anielasmommy, if I remember right, you're in MA, yes? If so, check out therapymatcher.org. They called me back within 24 hours when I left my info there, and they found me a therapist who took my insurance very quickly. When that therapist was a bad match for me, they found me another. They're a free service, and they made this much easier.

I agree that babysitting from your SIL doesn't sound like a good solution. That's a very long drive, and it doesn't sound like your SIL has a good plan for taking care of the baby. In terms of finding babysitting where you are, there's a number of options. If you live someplace urban, try taking a walk around. Are there coffee shops? Churches? Libraries? Reasonably comfortable book stores? Anyplace with a bulletin board? Has anyone put up a sign advertising services? If so, grab their number, give them a call and see if you like them. If not, consider putting up a help wanted sign of your own. You could also run a search for Red Cross Babysitting classes in your area, and see if the organizations who run those will give you the contact info for people who have taken the class.

[Oliver'sKid]

Anielasmommy, I just found out about this place, these forums. I wish so much I could watch your DD so you could have some time. I am married, but consider myself to have no support system, I live in a very small town and have no friends here. My health has deteriorated over the last 2 years, I am at the point I can barely function, its an auto-immune disease. My thyroid is all out of wack, my adrenal glands barely function, it all causes severe chronic fatigue, the meds cause severe anxiety.

No, I didn't really believe in 'chronic fatigue' before I got it, its real and it sucks.

I am so sorry for what you have been thru in the past. Do you think starting to see a therapist once or twice a week would be enough?

Or do you feel you need to do a week+ of out-patient at a facility? I did a week once the summer of 07. The drive was a bit over an hour there, it was from 9-2:30 with a break for lunch. I loved group therapy, I felt normal, I found other people with problems like me. Not that I wanted people to have problems like me, but you know what I mean...

If it were not such a short time for the long drive in horrible traffic, I might have done another week. We put the boys in a daycare for a month to 'give me a break', or to get myself together.

I just want to say my heart goes out to you so much, I do understand how it can be. I hope the RX kicks in fast, I just changed to Lexapro. I hope so much you find the help you need. Lots of hugs...

G-

[sosurreal09]

TY ladies
I do yoga. right now im getting tx for my back though. i had an injury that made my spinal cord go into my spine and its wrapped arounf it now so all the muscle and nerves around that area died and im in alot of pain. its inoperable due to the area. its right along my aorta so the chance of death would be too high..

[pamela3340]

Aniela:

I'm sorry to hear about your loss. I had PPD after the birth of my son (dx 6 weeks after) and depression after the birth of my 9 month old daughter (but I left a bad relationship). Good luck. If you need someone to talk to PM me!