Can it be okay if your ILs really hate you?

[heatherdeg]

My ILs have hated me from the day they met me 13 years ago. My FIL admitted that to dh a while back. The first 6-7 years we were together were hell until dh realized that his family lived under his roof and everyone else was just relatives. It was so bad that on my wedding day, my FIL (unsolicited and not in response to anything in particular) told me that he felt MIL would come around after I had agreed to a wedding that essentially lived up to their expectations. (she didn't)

Their hatred seriously has nothing to do with me, personally. It's about which person in the family I'm attached to. And they've hated every girl he's ever been with... I was just the moron that put up with it, constantly thinking "Well, they'll get to know enough about me at some point to just realize they're wrong." Ummmm... DUH!

For whatever reason, dh can't be happy cutting them off--no matter how horrible they are to BOTH of us (omg--they totally mistreat and humiliate him as much as me, although they calmed down on the blatant and public stuff since we cut them off for a while a few years ago). He keeps holding out hope that SOMEthing's going to happen and things will change--no matter how much he says he knows it won't. His actions totally don't line up with his words. Case in point: we had to stay somewhere for a month between the closing of the sale of our old house and the purchase of the new one 1500 miles away. It's a job relocation, so actually, they give you money to stay somewhere in between. Rather than spend it, dh thought it would be okay to stay at the ILs.

The thing is, now they REALLY hate me. Now they see all my crunchy "weirdness" up close (they are BEYOND mainstream) and of course, every horrible thing they thought about me is, in their mind, validated.

I don't know how to deal with this. And I know it doesn't just go away when we move because my family's lived equally far half my life: the drama changes form--it doesn't disappear.

How do I cope? Do I just not answer the phone if/when they call? Do I not get ticked if they call his cell vs. the house? Do I refuse going "back home" for the holidays with the kids?

Ugh...

[Leatherette]

I think your instincts are correct. He wants to have a relationship with them - they can call on his cell only, and if he wants to visit them solo, he should. I would not allow people like this to spend time with my children. Adults get to choose the treatment they get from others. You have to make good choices for yourself and your kids.

[Stephenie]

I agree... if your husband wants a relationship with them, that's his choice, but they've done nothing to earn a relationship with you. Don't answer when they call and don't visit. They shouldn't have to be your problem.

I am so sorry you have to deal with them.

[windsorheightsmom]

I wouldn't say your husband always has to go visit him by himself, but I agree with the other advice given. You don't need to answer the phone. Let him talk with them on his cell. Your visits with the kids should be very rare occasions--your husband can choose to spend more time with his parents if he wants to.

[peainthepod]

You are under NO obligation to visit with or expose your children to people who are openly hateful to you. Some might argue that these grandparents have a right to see your little ones, and I couldn't disagree more vehemently. What kind of message does it send your children to let them associate with adults who hate their mother--and family, no less? Your family is a package deal. Period.

If DH insists on a relationship with them, that's his right. But you don't have to subject yourself to that, and you definitely should keep your children away from such negativity and unwarranted anger. Don't answer the phone when they call, block their emails and/or filter them to the spam folder, and live and enjoy your life. You will probably never make them like you, and that's okay. They don't have to like you for you to be married to DH and raise your happy, lovely children together in whatever loving manner you see fit.

And get a copy of Toxic Parents for DH, if you think he'd be open to reading it. It's so incredibly validating and could really help him understand that he doesn't have to allow himself to be abused.

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by peainthepod

Some might argue that these grandparents have a right to see your little ones, and I couldn't disagree more vehemently.

I don't think that's the issue. It would be more about one parent believing she has more claim to the children. My husband would love me to cut off my family and has said so for years. Still if he said that he'd determined I could visit my family alone but that our children wouldn't, we would have a serious argument over that. One parent doesn't simply get to decide that for the other parent.

[lilmom]

I am in your same situation. Actually, DH and I just had a discussion about this very topic. His parents are extremely toxic. They treat him horribly, and they treat me and DS even worse.

I have told him that I absolutely will not go visit them for holidays, etc on their turf ever again after some things that happened the last time we did.

They are welcome to come to our house, where we make the rules, however they choose not to because they are very controlling and they do not want to be the guests.

I will not subject my child to being treated meanly. I told DH he is welcome to visit them on his own if he chooses. They don't call me so I don't have to worry about that. They hate me. They also know they can't control me so they don't call me.

I also do not want my child to witness IL's treating DH badly and demeaning him or myself. That is not appropriate.

I feel that it is our job to protect him. He is not quite 3 yrs old. I want him to go on believing that he is the best little boy in the world, and that Daddy is the hero he thinks he is, and that his mommy is fabulous. If we are around IL's especially on their turf, he will hear everything opposite of that. They will say bad things about HIM in front of him, and I simply will not let that happen ever again.

I say, don't answer their calls. Let DH have a relationship with them if he wants to, but you protect your children. Grandparents do not have a right to see their grandchildren just because they are genetically related. If they are wonderful, loving, caring, etc, then great. But if they are toxic, no way.

Protect your children and yourself.

[peainthepod]

Originally Posted by VisionaryMom

I don't think that's the issue. It would be more about one parent believing she has more claim to the children. My husband would love me to cut off my family and has said so for years. Still if he said that he'd determined I could visit my family alone but that our children wouldn't, we would have a serious argument over that. One parent doesn't simply get to decide that for the other parent.

ITD, sorry. If one parent is exposing the children to abusive and/or toxic people, the other parent has the obligation to step in and keep the children safe. I grew up with abusers and for me, it's a non-negotiable issue. My children deserve better than I got and I would do just about anything to make sure they don't have to experience the sort of chaos that occurs in broken, toxic families.

It's a sticky issue but would be my hill to die on. If, Heaven forbid, my ILs were abusers and DH wanted my children around them anyway, even if they were openly hateful to me in my children's presence, I'd fight it tooth and nail. Let him continue to subject himself to abuse, if he so chooses, but the kids are going to be safe no matter what it takes.

OP's in-laws don't have to like her and gush all over her, but they have to be civil and non-abusive if they want any kind of relationship with her children. Like it or not, she is their mother and their son's wife and they can either accept it or be cut off. Just my (very strong) opinion.