If you feel overwhelmed by one does that mean you shouldn't have two?

[TranscendentalMom]

I've posted on here before about my desire vs doubts about having a 2nd child. My ds is 18 months and we are thinking that if we are going to have another child we need to start TTC this summer....mainly because dh is almost 50 and doesn't want to wait much longer if we are going to do it. That would space them 2 and 1/2 yrs apart. However, dh is satisfied with one child. Both dh and I feel like we are more overwhelmed with one child than we thought we'd be. Dh has his own business that is very demanding. Also ds is still not sleeping through the night so we're at our wits end about that. But ultimately, I love having a being a mom and I feel really sad whenever I think about NOT having a 2nd. So what to do? What would you do in our shoes?

[maekati]

I love having 2 kids. My daughter is 4 though and she loves helping out with the baby. It is great to see them play together and it makes me happy to think that they will have each other for the rest of their lives. Granted my house is a wreck and I have no time to myself but I didn't when I just had one either. I would say go for it girl. It is incredible to see siblings in action.

[dotcommama]

I actually think two is easier than one.

When you have two they keep each other entertained.

Even when the baby is little he/she will be entertained by the antics of the older sibbling. And once the baby is really mobile the two will play together and that takes the parents out of the role of primary playmate.

[oceanbaby]

When my ds was 18 months old, I was way too overwhelmed to think about having another one. After he turned 2 (and nightweaned - what a difference!), we started to feel a bit more ready. I am now pregnant with our 2nd - they will be 3years, 2mo apart.

So while I never felt 100% confident that I could handle 2, there was a time when I KNEW I wasn't ready, you know? A lot of changes happen between 18 months and 2years, and it made a big difference in me feeling like I was ready to have another.

[famousmockngbrd]

Oceanbaby, that is reassuring to hear.

I have been wrestling with this question myself. I know I'm not ready for another one right now, but I do want another *some day*. I am wondering when that day will come, though! I am 33 so I feel like I don't have the luxury of waiting as long as I think I would like to.

Ah well, que sera, sera.

[manitoba_mommy]

18 months is a realy overwhelming age in my experience. It is like you are running on empty fromt he baby year and they are not quite ready to be less physically demanding. It is a fun age, but hard on the parents! Then there is the fact that they use you as a home base so the more they explore the more they cling to you. It is like learning how to swim in a way, you never want to get too far from the shore and you are darn glad to come back to it and rest. It gets taxing when they use you as their shore in my experience.

Both of my elder girls became a world easier by the time they were 2-2 1/2 and by the time they were three it was all of a sudden easy to see how a baby would be ok. We are planning on trying for one more when Sam is about 2 so there will be about three years difference. Right now it seems like that would be insane but I know it will be ok come a year or two from now.

MM

[ShannonCC]

I would wait. IMO, if you are not ready for another child *now* then you shouldn't start trying for another child *now*. I know you said your dh is 50, but would a year or two really make a difference? So he has a second child at 51 or 52 instead of 50, what's a few years? But IMO, a few years can be a world of difference with young children. My dd is spirited, didn't night wean and sleep through the night til age 3 and is only mellowing out significantly now, at age 5. I would be in a rubber room if I had another when she was 2. The terrible twos were pretty terrible around here

But then, by the time the summer rolls around, maybe you will feel ready It all depends on your family, not anyone else's.

edited because I wrote DD instead of DH - gee if your DD was 50 then I think you'd be done :LOL

[Tigerchild]

I think you should wait for a bit, if you feel truly overwhelmed.

As someone else said, there's little difference between 50 and 51 or 52. And it sounds like this would be a hard time in your family life to throw yet another transition in the mix. There's no magic age spacing (at least in IMO), you have to look at what's going on in your family dynamic.

And you should wait until you can say, comfortably and honestly, that you have the time and energy to deal with things not going...um...exactly according to plan. Maybe that will be next month, maybe it'll be next year. But trust your instinct, not your desire and external concerns (like about DH's age), if that makes sense.

I planned for close pregnancies, and even though my daughter is way easy going, it was harder than I thought it was going to be once I was pregnant and couldn't go back. And I felt that BEFORE I found out we were having twins! I can't imagine setting myself up for that when I already felt overwhelmed!

But again, take a good hard objective look at the reasons why you think you "shouldn't" and the reasons why you think you "should". Could be you're tripping yourself out on either side or letting external pressures that truly don't have much impact sway you. Maybe you'll find that while you think it'll be challenging now, you are up to taking that challenge. Or maybe not. Either answer is okay, and doesn't mean it's all or nothing.

[EllieB]

I felt sort of overwhelmed with 1 at the time I wanted to start ttc #2 but I wanted them 2 years apart so I went ahead and did it anyway and it worked out fine. I don't think it would have been easier to wait in my case.

It will always be more challenging to have 2 kids than 1. Just depends on your specific situation. In mine,dd wasn't sleeping through the night when I got pregnant, but dh was willing to take over the lion's share of nighttime parenting so that worked ok.

Also, you will have 9 mos to prepare for your second and my reasoning was a lot of things would change in that time. The 1st child will grow a great deal in that time, you will come up with little things to help yourself prepare to be a mother of 2. For example, I started to subtly encourage my dd to walk more instead of *always* being carried, to play alone for short periods of time etc. Just gentle encouragement to create space and time for the 2nd baby.

My feeling was I would never be truly ready, I would always have reasons why it wasn't the right time. I sometimes feel very overwhelmed with my 2 now (they are 3 and 14 mos) but I plan on ttc #3 this summer anyway. I know I'm probably crazy but it worked out last time so I'm going to go for it! (I think... )

Another thing, this is my personal theory, and I have nothing to back it up with but...I wonder if I would feel any less overwhelmed if I only had 1 kid. Maybe I would just worry and stress more about dd whereas with 2 I "split" that worry between them?Maybe I would just spend more time stressing out about things she does (not eating her dinner, wetting her pants, or whatever) that now I just let slide off my back. In other words, maybe I would feel exactly the same amount of overwhelm with 1 kid as with 3? If that makes sense...

[dancingmama]

TM, wow do we have a lot in common!!!! DD is 18 mos, DH is 54, and the should we, shouldn't we question is with us all the time!

Actually, DH right now is feeling like he is not ready, and is not sure he will want another, though he's not ready to say with 100% certainty that he won't. He feels his age very profoundly when it comes to this decision -- both in respects to adding another couple of years onto the "intensive parenting" period, and in terms of how he wants to spend these next few decades. He feels that with one child, he has more time for himself (very important to a guy who was a happy bachelor till he was 50!), for us, for work, etc. He thinks about, when 2 kids are older, trying to stay involved in both their lives and interests -- that this could be soooo time-consuming (driving places, attending games/plays/etc). He also acknowledges that this is FUN stuff and he knows he'd WANT to be doing it. He's a wonderful father to DD and extremely involved with her. He also does all our cooking, half the cleaning, works full time..... and he's a bit tired! He is also feeling completely fulfilled with having just DD.

I, on the other hand, am less certain. Part of me is a bit terrified about having another.... DD also doesn't sleep through the night. Could I be more tired than this and still function? Do I WANT to sign up for things like NO more down time when DD is napping? Less time for me and DH? Less alone time? But then, I think that I shouldn't be making a decision based only on baby/toddler years, which I know are the most intense, but do go quickly. And I too feel so sad thinking I would not have another. And I think it would actually be good for DD to have a sibling who will divide her parents attention a bit -- I think a lot about the "pressure" an only can feel. It would be easier for me to let up a bit, I'm sure, if I had another. And I LOVE being a mother! I'm having tons of fun with her!

Then I turn around again and start thinking.... but life is SOOOO good right now! DD is a pretty easy-going toddler, and we are all so happy. What if the next one is really high-needs? I know we'd love him/her like crazy, but what would it do to our lifestyle? We can go anywhere and do just about anything with DD now -- she's happy and pretty easy. Do I want to sign up for that potential? Or the potential of (as a previous poster mentioned) *gasp* twins!!!! Yikes!

Anyway, I go back and forth a lot, and agonize a bit. But ultimately, DH has to be on board or this is really a pointless exercise on my part. I do not want to feel like I am coercing him (although I really don't think he's coercable anyway). He has to WANT this. So I'm trying to just take deep breaths and wait. And I know that if tomorrow he said, honey lets do it, lets go for it! that I would. And if he says no, he doesn't want one, then I will likely have a little mourning to do. And then I will try to finish mourning and relax and celebrate our wonderful little family, and take advantage of all the things that having an "only" will bring us.... travel lots, and save enough to send her to any college she wants, and go to Europe, and make sure I pursue new interests of my own because I will have the time to do so, and so that she does not ever feel that she has become my only universe (even though it sure does feel that way right now!).

Wow, this got long. Guess I had a lot to say, and it helps me to write it out too!


Dancingmama

[EFmom]

I would not have another unless I was ready for it. I found having a second was at least four times as hard as one, and if I were already overwhelmed, having a second would put me over the edge.

[briar]

My look on it is...
You never know until that (2nd) baby joins your family what he/she will be like. I waited until my dd was 3 1/2 before ttc because I wanted to give her the first 3 years without a sibling. She was/is and easy going child. My second (4.54years apart) is exhausting. If I had had her first she might be my one and only. Even my pregnancy was very hard with her.
If you aren't ready...wait. 51, 52, even 53 isn't bad...making a descision with doubt can be!

[TranscendentalMom]

Dancingmama - OMG, ditto on everything you said. We're in exactly the same shoes. How much younger are you than your dh? I am 19 years younger. It sounds awful but anyone that knows us can see we have such an amazing connection. I honestly don't recommend age differences to people (for the reason we are discussing) but I knew I would never find a man like him again.

Anyway,I wish I was one of those people who just knew clearly that they did want or didn't want another. I keep going back and forth as well & I neither path seems clear to me. Let me know what you guys decide to do. Lately, I'm thinking we will maybe wait a little longer...like until next fall when he turns 2. I think some sleeping through the night between the 2 would be good.

[mamalita]

Wow, TM, I could have written your post! (well, almost). My DS is 20.5 months, a spirited little guy, not sleeping through the night, etc. That being said, DH and I are considering TTC #2 in late summer so that DS will be nearly 3 when the baby is born. But I am torn. On the *easier* days, I think that I'm ready. On the *tough* days, I think "what am I thinking??!!!" Also, right now I give DS my 100% attention (child-centered approach/no grandparents, relatives, etc. around) so I worry about his reaction when my focus will be split. I'm sure we WILL try to have another eventually (Universe willing), it's just a matter of when . . .

Anyway, good luck to you and your decision. I'm sure things will work out no matter what!

[dancingmama]

Originally posted by TranscendentalMom
. How much younger are you than your dh? I am 19 years younger. It sounds awful but anyone that knows us can see we have such an amazing connection. I honestly don't recommend age differences to people (for the reason we are discussing) but I knew I would never find a man like him again.

TM, well I am also 19 years younger (how bout that!) and I certainly don't think it sounds awful! I adore my DH and adore our relationship, and who knows what a relationship with a 20-years-less-evolved DH would be like? Sure, there are drawbacks, but there are imperfections in every relationship.


It's funny, it seems to me that for every story you hear about 2 being easier cuz they occupy each other, you hear a couple about 2 being 10 times the work. I imagine it depends a TON on the individual child.

[USAmma]

I have a very spirited spunky and defiant 3 year old. She's been that way pretty much from birth in one form or another. I am often very frustrated and overwhelmed by her. The toddler years 15-30 mos. where the hardest. We went ahead and had another one anyway. I think as the baby gets older and they can interact more it will be good for dd to have a sibling. Dd is so used to being the center of my attention and not having to share. I think that having each other is the best gift I can give them in life, as long as I raise them to love and appreciate the other.

Before I'm slammed by people who think that onlies are fine, just know that after my brother died when I was very young, I was an onlie. Nothing wrong with it at all, but I would have rather had a sibling to grow up with and I wanted to give that gift of a sibling so they will always (hopefully) have each other in life.

1.5 years ago I too was overwhelmed by a high needs toddler. Now she's able to get herself water to drink, dress and undress herself, take herself to the bathroom, communicate well enough to tell us what's wrong or what she needs, and follow instructions (most of the time! ha!). It gets easier. If you want to have another child, go for it! :-)

Darshani