Is 90% "good enough"?

[fairejour]

Sometimes I get soooooo sick of being a good mom

My DD is 7 and we try to do the right stuff, and I feel like I do alright 90% of the time. I walk to the store super slow so that she can walk on the curbs. I take her fun places and do cool things, even though she acts like it's no big deal. We co-sleep, even today when she needs it. I stayed at home until she went to preschool and now I volunteer in her classroom (and am the only parent who does).

But I feel like some day all of this will be for nothing. She isn't going to remember those things, she is going to remember the other 10%, when I was mad, or made her hurry, or yelled at her. I feel like I'm doing all of this, trying to make the right choices, working hard to make sure she is happy and healthy and she is still going to grow up and hate me when she's 16.

What's the point in being a good mom if the outcome is the same as the parents who do everything wrong?

[Wild Lupine]

Originally Posted by fairejour

Sometimes I get soooooo sick of being a good mom

My DD is 7 and we try to do the right stuff, and I feel like I do alright 90% of the time. I walk to the store super slow so that she can walk on the curbs. I take her fun places and do cool things, even though she acts like it's no big deal. We co-sleep, even today when she needs it. I stayed at home until she went to preschool and now I volunteer in her classroom (and am the only parent who does).

But I feel like some day all of this will be for nothing. She isn't going to remember those things, she is going to remember the other 10%, when I was mad, or made her hurry, or yelled at her. I feel like I'm doing all of this, trying to make the right choices, working hard to make sure she is happy and healthy and she is still going to grow up and hate me when she's 16.

What's the point in being a good mom if the outcome is the same as the parents who do everything wrong?

What makes you think the outcome is the same no matter how you parent? I'm not sure I can agree with that. However, I do think it is important we parent in a way that works for us, otherwise, along with the times we're not the parent we want to be (impatient, tired, or whatever), they'll remember a sense of resentment. Kids need to see parents enjoying themselves, too.

She might hate you when she's 16 (or not, I worked with a lot of teens who were mildly embarrassed by their parents, but otherwise had a great relationship with them). 16 is far from a grown up, though. An adult will be much better at seeing the full picture of his or her childhood, and you're much more likely to have a good relationship with your daughter when she's 30 if you have a good one when she's 3.

[fairejour]

I think I'm just haing a crappy week.

I guess my view comes from my own family. My mother came from an extremely abusive family, she got out only to marry my father would was abusive. Left him and found a man who "only" abused her, and not the children. We grew up in chaos and we ended up with serious issues. But after all that, I am close to my mom.

My hubby on the other hand had a great life, at least from the outside. His parents are together and never fight. His mom was a stay at home parent, his dad worked a lot of hours but tried to be home for them. He neer struggled for anything, wants or needs. If his entire family dropped off the face of the earth, he wouldn't care.

I feel like there are so many "nice" families who love their children with kids who hate them, or worse, on drugs or acting out....is there something that they are doing wrong that I can do right? Or is all just luck?

[ssh]

Lot's of things parents can do may damage their kids. Getting angry, yelling or being in a hurry occasionally isn't going to damage your child, especially if you apologize anytime you feel your behavior is not the behavior you want to see your DD using. Seeing you express your emotions in a normal healthy way shows her that expressing emotions is ok. No relationship is wonderful, fun and perfect 100% of the time. Life isn't wonderful, fun and perfect 100% of the time. Being the parent you want to be 90% of the time is pretty good. It doesn't matter if your DD's angry with you at age 16, if she even is, what matters is that she's an emotionally and physically healthy person because you nurtured and respected her. The outcome of a parent who does everything wrong, if that's possible, would not be a healthy person with no anxiety issues or an ability to trust and bond well with others. Being an imperfect parent occasionally just shows your DD that it's ok to be imperfect.

[ann_of_loxley]

Hun - I feel exactly the same way! All the time!
I think these are normal feelings in all honesty! - they must be!
I mean - are we really giving them on ly 90%? Surely the other 10% is good too. It shows them we are only human. We cant all be stepford wives! lol

[rightkindofme]

I think that it doesn't necessarily matter if you do the checklist of 'appropriate things' so much as it matters how you relate to your kids. And if you are doing what you think you should be doing 90% of the time then you are probably WAY above average. I'm not worried about giving my kids the 'right' experiences. I'm worried about letting them be their own people. I feel like that is more important. And it puts way less pressure on me. (I freely admit to being lazy.)

So maybe part of the issue is that you are putting pressure on yourself you don't need to?

[newbymom05]

My hubby on the other hand had a great life, at least from the outside. His parents are together and never fight. His mom was a stay at home parent, his dad worked a lot of hours but tried to be home for them. He neer struggled for anything, wants or needs. If his entire family dropped off the face of the earth, he wouldn't care.[

I think that's more a male/female thing than a family thing. My DH is the same way, so is my brother and just about every other guy I know. WHat's the saying--"a daughter is daughter all of your life, a son is a son until he takes a wife" or whatever.

I think if you're only doubting yourself 10% you must be doing a heck of a job.

[ssh]

Originally Posted by fairejour

I feel like there are so many "nice" families who love their children with kids who hate them, or worse, on drugs or acting out....is there something that they are doing wrong that I can do right? Or is all just luck?

I think the most important parts of building a permanent relationship are communication, especially listening, and respecting the other person as an individual. I have two DDs born 20 years apart. There have been times when my older DD didn't like me, but she always talks to me.

[EmilyVorpe]

Let me share this with you....

My dad was my best buddy for years. He talked to me nonstop. He listened to my music instead of his. He stopped at EVERY playground we drove by....seriously. He took me to rent movies whenever he could so that I had something fun. He drove me to Disney World from NH when I was 12. He drove straight there on NO sleep so that we could have 2 extra days of fun. But, when we were in Disney World, I wouldnt hold his hand cause I was embarassed. On the way home, he was crashing from lack of sleep and I got annoyed that I wasnt home sooner. That 10% that he wasnt doing everything in his power to make me happy...thats what I thought of.
Now, Im almost 26. I think of everything my dad has ever done for me. I remember it all. I remember the small stuff, the big stuff, and I appreciate it all. She WILL remember, too. She will also realize the 10% that you couldnt do, or didnt do, or the yelling....she will remember that. And then she will remember the amazing mom you were (are now) and appreciate all of it.

[limabean]

My mother was a wonderful mother just like you (and she also was in a hurry, or yelled very occasionally just like you). We went through a rocky patch when I was a teen like many mothers and daughters do, but we got through it and we have a wonderfully close relationship now. You're doing fine.

[lilyka]

I did not hate my mom when I was 16. I hated being 16. I hated everything. I took it out on my mom. Something to remember.

Also I have been the poster child for good mothering. Now I am not. I think a lot of what I was doing was judged good by me because it was the opposite of what my mother did. then because it was on some check list of how to be the perfect mother. but those check lists had not met my children and words on a page don't have husbands the cheat, make you crazy then leave you forcing you to everytihng that is on your bad mother list and nothing on your good mother list, too exhausted to read the list if you could find them in your rediculously messy house. I do what I, a human being can do. and I teach my kids that I am not here to make their lives painless and easy. I am hear to listen to them, teach them and feed them and pray for them. happiness is up to them. Happiness with me and with themselves and with everyone else.

Also the things I have done as a parent, felt called to, how I did things has always been more about me than them. Lets face it. Kids are resiliant and you see good and bad results under every parenting philosophy. But I believe parenting is calling from God to self sacrifice, to picking up our cross, a holy misison field. Have been changed and grown into a person he wants me to be. If I am being transformed by his calling on my life, if I am giving my best to this calling, hopefully they are learning to love the kind of person I am becoming and I am becoming the sort of person people will see the light of Christ in and be drawn to. And if my children do not like me. well, I am sure God has some sort of plan for that.

but no matter what...we cannot judge our relationshio with our children by whether or not they think we can walk on water when they are 16. the teen years are hard no matter who your parents are or what they did.

[MaerynPearl]

Originally Posted by lilyka

I did not hate my mom when I was 16. I hated being 16. I hated everything. I took it out on my mom. Something to remember.

FWIW... I never hated/took it out on my mom... even at 16. But I do not know why I did not go through that very very very normal stage of development. My little sister, who was raised EXACTLY the same way as me, did go through it. Still is (she is 17 going on 18.)

So, yes, she will probably go through it. Probably tell you she hates you, but if something happened to you, she would probably be the first one there at your side because of all you are doing now. The so-called-hate is superficial, the love and bond is still there.

When she is in her early 20s she may not remember all of the great things you two did together, but when she decides to have kids of her own... those are the parts that will stick out and pass down to her children as well.

[Quinalla]

Don't forget your child like every other individual has the most to do with how they turn out. Their innate personality and their choices will in the end have the most influence on their life which is why you get "good" kids from "bad" situations and vice versa. However, after the child's influence, the parents are right after with how their influence affects the child, so giving your child a good foundation is never a waste. Everyone makes bad choices and mistakes, but if you are starting from a better place because of your parents, that can only help, right? So the effort isn't a waste.

Also though, it sounds like you are possibly feeling burned out. When is the last time you took some time for yourself? Refreshing yourself is the only way to have enough energy to give your best as a parent. And don't forget about your marriage too! Even if you are great about keeping your cup filled and your marriage cup filled, again we all make mistakes and all have are moments of yelling and whatnot. Will our children remember? Maybe, maybe not, but they will remember that things were good most of the time and that their parents, while humans who made mistakes at times, loved them very much. Don't think of it like "Oh, she'll never remember that I volunteered, took her to XYZ, etc." though you might be surprised what she remembers. Think of all those things as different ways of showing your love and that she will remember how much you loved her!

[happysmileylady]

She will remember little bits of everything, and also not remember little bits of everything. How you parent does matter in how your kids turn out. But it is also important to remember that there is only so much shaping you can do of your kids, and that there WILL be things they do that aren't what you want for them. But over all, being a "good enough" parent IS good enough.

You mention how your DH interacts with his family, I want to mention that there's physically being there for your kids, by being a SAHP, and then there's being there emotionally and mentally. Talking with your teen through their first break up. Supporting your 9 year old through a huge school project. Giving your child a shoulder to cry on when they get hurt. Just because one parent stays home, just because parents make an effort to physically be there to ensure a child's safety, just because they don't yell or spank or because they co-sleep, that doesn't mean that they do all those other things.

[Surfacing]

[madskye]

You can also do your best to reinforce the good memories. Talk to her about good times you have had, show her pictures of family events or special things you have done, relive those GOOD memories often with her.

[mamazee]

So long as you aren't like hitting her or something the other 10% of the time, 90% is probably fine, and my guess is 90% of her memories will be of the good times and 10% will be not so good, so her overall impression will be very good.

[EFmom]

I seriously doubt that there is anyone on earth that has gotten it right 100% of the time. I don't know a lot of perfect parents or perfect children.

I think a lot of it really is luck or personality differences. I grew up in a huge family. I certainly wouldn't say I had a perfect upbringing, but it wasn't abusive, we were all well fed, cared for and educated. My siblings and I have different views of our parents. One sister is horribly negative about everything, including specific things that some of us view as positives. So, there is no way possible my parents could have gotten it 100% "right" for all of us.

I think you try to do the best you can in this life, which includes parenting.

[cappuccinosmom]

I think that it doesn't necessarily matter if you do the checklist of 'appropriate things' so much as it matters how you relate to your kids.

I agree. "Good parenting" isn't a list of dos and don'ts. There is no forumula for perfectly combining a million tiny actions with the result in getting perfect kids.

I also agree about the miserable-teenager thing. Out of the 4 of us, 3 went through our teenage years depressed-angry-anxious. I'm sure we broke our parents hearts with the stupid, resentful, arrogant attitudes we had. But now that we're adults and not in a fog or hormones we have huge admiration for our parents. They failed. Many times they failed. But we know they always loved us and did their best for us.

[herenow2]

I think about this all the time too! Lately I've been trying (or thinking about trying) to cultivate in my children gratitude for family (and all they have really,) loyalty, and forgiveness. Maybe then my 10% will be forgiven and they will be thankful for my 90 (ish)% and loyal regardless .