I hope this email doesn't offend anyone... I'm not looking for anyone's approval but i need to get a few things off of my chest.
ok so some of you might remember me from a while ago. I have been a Christian (anabaptist) for some time. I've actually been on here talking to moms and even debated in some of the other forums. I've learned a lot from other mamas here...
anyhow for a while I was debating some Jewish mamas about things. and I don't know how to say this ... so I will just say it. I was blown away by how little i actually knew about the "old testament". For some reason I was compelled to by a Torah and try to learn more about my Christian heritage... (or so I thought!) I know A LOT of Chirstian History and I'm well versed in the "New testament" but as many Christians I didn't know a whole lot about the Torah besides the basic "adam and eve" and "ten commandments" etc. I can still feel quite knowledgeable about the NT but... how much is that worth if I don't know anything about the Torah? So I needed to know... and so I read... and read... and read...
and I learned that most things I had been taught were in error. ok, I thought, "I will just relearn it and know it right". So I began studying, a lot. and praying a lot. and reading, a lot. and well... I began to realize something is off. I was met with the realizations that what I have been clinging too my whole adult life isn't what I thought it was. and it wasn't a matter of spirituality but of fact.... I guess I mean to say, for one small example I totally misunderstood many of the torah stories. Like their meaning was completely different from what I was taught... and once I opened my eyes it became very clear to me.
so I kinda had a spiritual identity crisis. frankly i didn't wanna stop being christian b/c it was all I knew as a religious adult. My entire life was built around it and I was a better person because of it. etc. So I went through much depression, crying and praying. I didn't know what to do. I thought I could maintain being a christian with personal different views from the common. but one day I realized that just wasn't an option. I didn't believe Jesus was God.... and I don't believe in the trinity... and i don't believe in Hell. How can I be a Christian who doesn't believe that?
I tried coming here to find some help... but I think it confused my head even more. I asked about Messianic Jews/Christians. I asked about reform Judaism. and everything in between. I was trying to reach for something that might still be kinda familiar.... but it wasn't working. So I decided to stop asking and trying to figure out what label I was.... and just pray for guidance.
and then I found someone mentioning the term "Noachide". I didn't know what it meant so I looked it up. Hey! that's me! I'm a Noachide! so I was excited to realize I did have a place in this world in God's eyes. The only downside is that so many people think of Noachides as "wannabe jews". and perhaps some do what to to be Jews... but Noachides have their own place and own identity in and of it's self. A many people look down on them not truly understanding what it is... or even worse call it a "cult" because they don't truly understand it... etc frankly it just sounded like a lot of drama!
Fpr some reason or another I started listening to an Orthodox fellow online. My husband came across him and just really enjoyed his approach. and he mentioned God's love to the nations (not just Jews). I had never heard of this side of Judaism. I just really didn't understand Judaism aside from how I felt about it as a Christian. anyhow with much prayer I came to the conclusion that I was actually noachide even though I hadn't know there was a name for it. (it's a man-made name anyhow, unlike Israeal whom God named... but that's another topic)
so I've been settling into my new life as a good person who wants to honor god. NOT a Christian. whatever term you want to us.
but... my heart wants more. I wanted to make I wasn't just trying to jump from religion to religion before I further explored the option. I thought being Noachide would be enough.... but i feel pushed for more. I have a longing to do more. to observe more. to know God more. the more i try to ignore it the stronger it becomes. it's like my SOUL wants it. (not my head)
so now... i am contemplating converting to orthodox Judaism.
It's a lot to commit to. being Jewish isn't just a religion, but a culture that one must asked to be let into. one must be taught and nurtured... and well it's just no piece of cake. it isn't like Christianity where you can just say "I'm Christian" and then you are; it takes a lot time to become a jew.
I'm not sure yet if I'm going to go through with it. I'm looking into it. i have contact with my local Chabad house. if I do convert it will probably take me a whiel before full conversion as I have 3 kids and I need to give them time to get used to our new places. and my parents... oh boy. that's going to take some time for them to get used to! heh but that's another topic.
I guess my point is.... I'm not sure yet where I am going. Maybe I will just be a very pious type person. Maybe I will fully convert. time will tell. but for now I'm studying. a lot. and praying a lot. and I would love to be able to talk to any mamas here who have gone down this road before... but first I needed to "out" myself
and thank you to all the mamas that have helped me a long this path. even the ones who came down hard on me. You all have helped me in all sorts of ways and I'm glad to have "known" you.
Edited by TzippityDoulah - 12/28/11 at 11:49am