does this sound like a martyr complex?

[scottishmommy]

I'm pretty sure my mother has a martyr complex. I've listed some of the things she does that put a strain on our relationship.

1)She routinely allows toxic people into her life and tries to "reform them". She will go so far as to allow drug addicts etc to move into her house. She thinks that she has some sort of ability to help reform lost souls, even though not one of these toxic people has been helped in any measurable way. Eventually she gets incredibly angry at them and cuts off the relationship. This has happened countless times.

2) She cannot handle any sort of criticism, making it impossible to communicate with her. For instance it took my dad 3 years to get the nerve to ask her to cook his breakfast a different way, because he was afraid of her reaction.

3) She cannot be a "guest". She insists on cooking and cleaning in my home and it drives me nuts. I always look forward to spending time with her when she's in town, but she ends up cooking and cleaning the entire time. I've told her that I would like to do fun things with her and just hang out when she's in town, but she wont have any of it.
4) She acts like I abuse her. When she's at my house she walks around on eggshells because I've asked her not to clean. She still insists on cleaning, but now she checks with me before she puts anything away. For instance we were unloading the dishwasher, and she asked me where I put my bowls (which is ridiculous because she has unloaded that dishwasher 300 times). After I showed her where the bowls go she asked if she should put them in the back of the cupboard or the front, if they should be stacked or not etc. Then she will ask repeatedly if she did it right "Like this, is this how you like them"she will pretend to be really nervous and look at me meekly, as if she is cinderella or something. I would like to point out that I am far from organized. I am not a neat freak at all. My house is pretty much total chaos! So the bowls could be in the oven and I wouldn't care.

5) She takes it personally if I don't mirror her. For instance she doesn't like the way I decorated my house, and seems genuinelyhurt that I don't have the same taste as she does.

I could go on and on, but I don't have enough time! Does this sound like a martyr complex to you? I would like to add that I am a very reasonable person. In fact I tend to be very even keeled. In other words, I am not being mean to my mom. I just wish that we could have a normal relationship. Instead it seems like my mother is bent on suffering and self sacrifice. It's getting really old!
ETA
Sorry about the typos, my keyboard is acting weird.

[journeymom]

Sure, it's a martyr complex. It's also passive aggressive, which is absolutely maddening.

The little bit I read about martyr complex just now indicates that the martyr tends to be drawn to harsh or abusive partners. That doesn't particularly sound like your dad, though!

Do you want to do anything about it?

==============

Edited to add, the more I read about it, the less it sounds like a martyr complex. I'm sure there are lots of definitions, but this one at least seems a little different from what you describe. She certainly does seem to enjoy being a victim. Will she agree to babysit your kids even though she's got plans, and then bitch and moan about the sacrifice she had to make?

Is she a praise junkie?

=============

Edited again, I take it back, I think the article describes her perfectly! The last two paragraphs have some good insight.

[hotmamacita]

Originally Posted by scottishmommy

I'm pretty sure my mother has a martyr complex. I've listed some of the things she does that put a strain on our relationship.

1)She routinely allows toxic people into her life and tries to "reform them". She will go so far as to allow drug addicts etc to move into her house. She thinks that she has some sort of ability to help reform lost souls, even though not one of these toxic people has been helped in any measurable way. Eventually she gets incredibly angry at them and cuts off the relationship. This has happened countless times.

2) She cannot handle any sort of criticism, making it impossible to communicate with her. For instance it took my dad 3 years to get the nerve to ask her to cook his breakfast a different way, because he was afraid of her reaction.

3) She cannot be a "guest". She insists on cooking and cleaning in my home and it drives me nuts. I always look forward to spending time with her when she's in town, but she ends up cooking and cleaning the entire time. I've told her that I would like to do fun things with her and just hang out when she's in town, but she wont have any of it.

4) She acts like I abuse her. When she's at my house she walks around on eggshells because I've asked her not to clean. She still insists on cleaning, but now she checks with me before she puts anything away. For instance we were unloading the dishwasher, and she asked me where I put my bowls (which is ridiculous because she has unloaded that dishwasher 300 times). After I showed her where the bowls go she asked if she should put them in the back of the cupboard or the front, if they should be stacked or not etc. Then she will ask repeatedly if she did it right "Like this, is this how you like them"she will pretend to be really nervous and look at me meekly, as if she is cinderella or something. I would like to point out that I am far from organized. I am not a neat freak at all. My house is pretty much total chaos! So the bowls could be in the oven and I wouldn't care.

5) She takes it personally if I don't mirror her. For instance she doesn't like the way I decorated my house, and seems genuinelyhurt that I don't have the same taste as she does.

I could go on and on, but I don't have enough time! Does this sound like a martyr complex to you? I would like to add that I am a very reasonable person. In fact I tend to be very even keeled. In other words, I am not being mean to my mom. I just wish that we could have a normal relationship. Instead it seems like my mother is bent on suffering and self sacrifice. It's getting really old!
ETA
Sorry about the typos, my keyboard is acting weird.

Your mother seems self-focused and uninterested to realize how she impacts others. There is a good book, BOLD LOVE by Dan Allendar, that has helped me to relate to people similar to your mother.

[scottishmommy]

Thank you both! It's as if my mother wants to fight with me. Maybe she likes toxic people because she loves the drama. My older brother told me to completely ignore the behavior and eventually she will figure out that there is no fight to be had. He thinks that if I try to talk to her it will just feed the fire. What do you think?

[journeymom]

I think your brother is absolutely right!

It's about power and control. Your mom is probably uncomfortable relating as an equal with other adults. When she insisted on unloading the dishwasher it was her way of controlling her relationship with you, putting herself in control. Then when logically you're baffled and push back she sabotaged the situation and acted like you were abusing her.

It may be that she's actually looking for nurturing and support for herself.

[miami mommy]

Originally Posted by scottishmommy

Thank you both! It's as if my mother wants to fight with me. Maybe she likes toxic people because she loves the drama.

Exactly! She is trying to play the drama triangle game with you and anyone else she can get to engage. In the drama triangle, ppl alternate playing the rescuer, persecutor, and the victim. In the dishwasher story, she was trying to turn you into the persecutor so she could play victim. It takes two (or more) to play, so I advise you not to engage. That is, of course, a lot harder than it sounds because she is going to try her hardest to make you play.

This game gets played all the time in my family. I once tried to explain the drama triangle to my aunt b/c she *loves* to play the rescuer. She listened to me, but hasn't changed one bit (I'm pretty sure she doesn't want to change b/c she likes to feel needed). One thing that rescuers don't realize is that by rescuing you, they are sending you the message that they don't think you're capable of taking care of yourself. For example, when your mother cooks and cleans for you, she's letting you know that she doesn't think you're capable of cooking and cleaning for yourself. If you're feeling brave, you could confront her from that angle.

Btw, you do sound very even keeled. Your mother probably just grew up in a family that played the drama triangle a lot.