1)She routinely allows toxic people into her life and tries to "reform them". She will go so far as to allow drug addicts etc to move into her house. She thinks that she has some sort of ability to help reform lost souls, even though not one of these toxic people has been helped in any measurable way. Eventually she gets incredibly angry at them and cuts off the relationship. This has happened countless times.
2) She cannot handle any sort of criticism, making it impossible to communicate with her. For instance it took my dad 3 years to get the nerve to ask her to cook his breakfast a different way, because he was afraid of her reaction.
3) She cannot be a "guest". She insists on cooking and cleaning in my home and it drives me nuts. I always look forward to spending time with her when she's in town, but she ends up cooking and cleaning the entire time. I've told her that I would like to do fun things with her and just hang out when she's in town, but she wont have any of it.
4) She acts like I abuse her. When she's at my house she walks around on eggshells because I've asked her not to clean. She still insists on cleaning, but now she checks with me before she puts anything away. For instance we were unloading the dishwasher, and she asked me where I put my bowls (which is ridiculous because she has unloaded that dishwasher 300 times). After I showed her where the bowls go she asked if she should put them in the back of the cupboard or the front, if they should be stacked or not etc. Then she will ask repeatedly if she did it right "Like this, is this how you like them"she will pretend to be really nervous and look at me meekly, as if she is cinderella or something. I would like to point out that I am far from organized. I am not a neat freak at all. My house is pretty much total chaos! So the bowls could be in the oven and I wouldn't care.
5) She takes it personally if I don't mirror her. For instance she doesn't like the way I decorated my house, and seems genuinelyhurt that I don't have the same taste as she does.
I could go on and on, but I don't have enough time! Does this sound like a martyr complex to you? I would like to add that I am a very reasonable person. In fact I tend to be very even keeled. In other words, I am not being mean to my mom. I just wish that we could have a normal relationship. Instead it seems like my mother is bent on suffering and self sacrifice. It's getting really old!
Sorry about the typos, my keyboard is acting weird.