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moving into the home of a hoarder - Page 3

post #41 of 60
7/10/10 at 3:56pm
There is a book called Stuff: Compulsive Hoarding and The Meaning of Things. Might be worth reading in order to understand the mentality behind this.

There are professional organizers who specialize in hoarding. Not every organizer has had any training with hoarders so you need to look around for someone with the experience and training to help. Explain the situation, maybe pay them for an hour to discuss this, maybe show them the house and see if they can help in any way. They should at least have some ideas for you on how to go about this.

Personally I would be tempted to rent a storage facility in her name, hire some movers, and move every bit of it into the storage. Then clean the house and move in. But honestly I think your real problem is your DH. This is his mother and he needs to deal with her. If you and he are not on the same page you could be looking at years of conflict over this. Not to mention moving into this house full of stuff.

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post #42 of 60
7/10/10 at 4:03pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by leigh09 View Post
it is just the physical act of doing it that everyone seems to be procrastinating about.
That sounds, to me, like the separation between intention and action that are typical of a hoarder. The fact that she knows that she's better off without the stuff doesn't make her one bit more able to actually _act_ to get rid of the stuff, or one bit more able to allow someone else to act to get rid of it. (Or, I should add, even to _move_ it. For a hoarder, even rearranging stuff can be stressful to the point of impossible.)

Hoarders also seem to have a problem with generalizing and learning from the past. Your mother in law could go through a hundred, a thousand, "just keep it for six more months", and still be unable to understand that those thousand failures mean that this next six months is also going to be a failure, and still be hurt and insulted that you don't believe that she's going to get it done in the next six months.

That's one of the things that's so hard about dealing with a hoarder - they seem to truly believe their promises, and truly be indignant when you won't give them yet another chance to carry through with those promises. My mother - a hoarder - also once admitted to me that when she forms the intention of doing something, she feels that _she's already done it_. Which might explain the strange phenomenon of the hoarder seeming insulted, angry, and indignant, when you expect them to actually do the work that they promised to do. In her mind, its done, and what are you nagging her about?

Mom has also more than once angrily exclaimed, "But I quit my _job_ to clean my house!" as if that somehow gives her credit for cleaning the house. When I point out that she quit that job five years ago, and no house cleaning of significance has been done, she doesn't seem to consider that to be a valid argument. She quit the job, she made the big gesture, so why am I nagging her to actually do the work?

I don't think that the time will ever come when your mother in law takes any significant action, or consents to you or anyone else taking any significant action. You will, in the end, have to act without her permission. It's fine to give her a chance or two, so that you know in your own mind that you did your best to let her do the job in her own way, but, again, you always need a contingency plan, because it's the contingency plan that's going to actually get the job done.

Crayfish
post #43 of 60
7/10/10 at 4:12pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Crayfish View Post
That's one of the things that's so hard about dealing with a hoarder - they seem to truly believe their promises, and truly be indignant when you won't give them yet another chance to carry through with those promises. My mother - a hoarder - also once admitted to me that when she forms the intention of doing something, she feels that _she's already done it_. Which might explain the strange phenomenon of the hoarder seeming insulted, angry, and indignant, when you expect them to actually do the work that they promised to do. In her mind, its done, and what are you nagging her about?
That has been my experience with my MIL. Very well described and couldn't agree more.
post #44 of 60
7/10/10 at 4:45pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by leigh09 View Post
he knows i'm mad. he also very rarely breaks a promise to me.
Another quick note: Your husband was raised by a hoarder. Therefore he, too, may not fully understand that intentions must be followed by actions in order to "count" - or at least, he may be fuzzy on the concept when his mother is involved.

He formed the intention of doing a lot of work today. He got you to take care of the kids. He got the boxes. He went over. He spent time with his parents in the vicinity of the house.

He may not fully understand that none of those gestures count unless the work gets done. In his mind, he may consider himself ninety percent successful with his goals for the day, even though to more logical minds, he was zero percent successful.

I'm not saying any of this to suggest that you should cut him any slack whatsoever - he broke his promise, and he deserves the consequences of that, and catering to the broken hoarding thought processes is, IMO, unhealthy. I'm just wondering if it would help any, for next time, if you make it clear that you don't feel that he's even begun the job until he's actually packing and tossing - that none of the lead-in counts, not the tiniest bit.

I know that my mother would be utterly unable to comprehend that concept, but it sounds like your husband is mostly just trained in hoarder habits, rather than actually having the brain of a hoarder.

Crayfish
post #45 of 60
7/10/10 at 9:13pm
Thread Starter 
a very positive note ... i went over this afternoon and basically said, let's get going. we took two pick up truck loads to the dump, one load to thrift store. we boxed numerous things to go for auction, not to be touched until sale time. (mostly because i don't want to go through reconsidering keeping them).

i was raised by a very efficient woman who believes if you haven't used it for a year, out it goes.
post #46 of 60
7/10/10 at 9:17pm
that's great! getting work done.
post #47 of 60
7/10/10 at 9:50pm
Awesome! Now THAT is the type of good news I like to hear. Congratulations on a good job done well.
post #48 of 60
7/10/10 at 11:00pm
I would really recommend having an auction. Move the things she wants to keep to her new place, and then the auctioneering company comes, pulls out and sorts everything else, sells it in one day, and gets rid of everything that's left. At least that's how they do it around here, maybe they do things differently in other areas. She doesn't have to be there if it'll be too painful to watch her "treasures" sell for pennies.

ETA: I didn't see the last posts until after I commented. Sounds like you're getting things done!
post #49 of 60
7/11/10 at 1:54pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by leigh09 View Post
a very positive note ... i went over this afternoon and basically said, let's get going. we took two pick up truck loads to the dump, one load to thrift store. we boxed numerous things to go for auction, not to be touched until sale time. (mostly because i don't want to go through reconsidering keeping them).

i was raised by a very efficient woman who believes if you haven't used it for a year, out it goes.
That is great news!
You must be feeling relieved!!!
Here's to continued progress!!!
post #50 of 60
7/11/10 at 4:42pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by leigh09 View Post
a very positive note ... i went over this afternoon and basically said, let's get going. we took two pick up truck loads to the dump, one load to thrift store. we boxed numerous things to go for auction, not to be touched until sale time. (mostly because i don't want to go through reconsidering keeping them).

i was raised by a very efficient woman who believes if you haven't used it for a year, out it goes.
Woohoo! That's very, very impressive.

Crayfish
post #51 of 60
7/11/10 at 5:54pm
I would be firm with her about not leaving anything in the house when she moves.
post #52 of 60
7/11/10 at 6:22pm
Call 1-800-GOT-JUNK


Have them take everything she leaves.
post #53 of 60
7/11/10 at 6:45pm
I saw your update- but I was going to suggest posting on freecycle. Say the house is open on these days come and get it!
post #54 of 60
7/12/10 at 9:55am
Freecycle is great for individual things but 1-800-GOT-JUNK are your guys for moving a LOAD of varied stuff that you don't have to sort through.

As I understand it, they don't just trash it. Well, the trash goes in the trash, but they will sell, reuse, whatever anything usable. That is a relief for many hoarders - they would far rather give something away and have it still be used than to have it in the landfill.

For Freecycle, you have to list exactly what's going - or I guess you could just announce an "open house," but the got junk guys will just load it up and take it away and leave nothing behind.
post #55 of 60
7/12/10 at 10:37am
Thread Starter 
we are planning to have an auction, there is so very much furniture. they used to collect broken antique furniture with the intention of repairing, refinishing, etc. and didn't get to doing any of it. so they have tons and tons of it. here, dump fees are by weight so disposing would be both expensive and a bit of a shame, because some of it would be nice if someone would take the time to finish it up.
post #56 of 60
7/12/10 at 10:51am
so sorry to read the first update. i was worried about exactly that when i was talking about how this behavior is inherited.

and, good for you for taking charge and getting things moving. stay strong!
post #57 of 60
7/12/10 at 10:57am
Quote:
Originally Posted by laohaire View Post

For Freecycle, you have to list exactly what's going - or I guess you could just announce an "open house," but the got junk guys will just load it up and take it away and leave nothing behind.
No you dont. A poster in our area did just that last week; 'We are moving, have too much stuff the garage is open come and get what you want'

pretty simple solution.
post #58 of 60
7/12/10 at 11:53am
Thread Starter 
many people in our freecycle group also do open house type ads, usually after garage sales. they just list the address and come after a certain time to claim the garage sale leftovers.
post #59 of 60
7/12/10 at 12:01pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by happysmileylady View Post
Have you considered calling one of the hoarding shows or clean house or clean sweep? At the very least, you will have the help of people who are accustomed to dealing with people who are like that.
I have started watching these shows and was about to suggest this, too. They will get her some "help" as well. From what I saw on the hoarders show, it is a pretty debilitating thing. So sad .
post #60 of 60
7/13/10 at 10:21am
Another thought is ADD/ADHD
This is huge when it comes to procrastinating and being able to organize and manage time~ and I think it ties in with what Crayfish was saying about feeling like the task is *accomplished* just because you have thought about it or taken steps toward it

I think multiple issues contribute to the whole hoarding/clutter problem...and where you are making progress with your MIL, hopefully it is closer to the procrastination piece than how debilitating hoarding can become...

My own experience has been growing up in a home with 5 kids and a mom who was often mentally ill and who grew up with hoarder parents and 9 kids in her family....I think my mom had ADD/ADHD which would account for not being able to manage when she was well, and then having a hoarder's home as a model plus those tendancies to hoard...I think she did better than her mom, and I have done better than her but it's been a life long struggle and I do believe I am ADHD as well.

Wishing you continued success with MIL!

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