how to gently explain no spanking to spankers

[sparkysgirl]

So I got into a bit of a debate with my stepmom on why we don't spank, she has spanked her children (now teenagers) and was spanked/abused as a child. My father was the primary spanker when I was a child. I don't want to make either of them feel like bad parents, but I want to explain why we don't spank our children so that they understand our discipline style and can respect it, since they are involved in my children's lives. what would you say if you were in this situation?

[Ruthla]

Kids might "misinterpret" spanking as hitting, and thus learn to hit people smaller than them when spanking is used as discipline. By not spanking, you avoid that confusion. (This is what I'd say to a spanker to keep them from feeling defensive; spanking most definitely IS hitting- how can you hit a child and then be surprised when they hit back or hit somebody else?)

Depending on your relationship with your stepmom and dad, you might do better with "I'm the mommy here. I don't want my kids spanked, and I won't let them around people who might spank them. You enjoy being grandparents and leave the disciplining to me." You might be best off NOT engaging them in why spanking is bad (or at least how "not spanking" is better) but present both parenting styles as equally valid and demand respect for the way you're raising your children, even if they disagree with it.

[Magali]

I always say that you can't go around hitting people because they do things you don't like. You can't go to work and hit your coworker because they do something you don't like...kids deserve the same.

[JollyGG]

I say "For MY children I have found other methods of discipline to be more effective. So in OUR family we have decided not to use spanking at all. It is important to me that my kids have a positive relationship with you and therefore if you are having trouble with the kids and are unable to solve the problem without physical punishment please let us handle it. Here are some techniques that we do find effective for directing our kids behavior"

[philomom]

Originally Posted by Magali

I always say that you can't go around hitting people because they do things you don't like. You can't go to work and hit your coworker because they do something you don't like...kids deserve the same.

Yes, I grew up in the South. My kids spent half their childhood in the South. Not spanking is like saying you let your kids run wild. But yes, I came to that epiphany one day that if I struck a friend or co-worker because they were having a bad moment... I could be arrested for assault.

[ssh]

We had a friend who was always comparing us to other friends that spanked. I told him that small humans learn by example and then asked him why would we want to teach our DD that hitting people was ok. Now that our DD is 4.5 and behaves better than her spanked peers, we don't have to say anything at all. It's just obvious that what we're doing is working.

[mamazee]

I try to answer without judgment or getting into it too much. I just say that I've found other ways to deal with issues. I've had people tell me I'm too "loosey goosey" with my kids in one breath, and then talk about how well adjusted and kind and well behaved they are in the next.

[sparkysgirl]

Thank you ladies! Your right, keep it simple and don't try to explain it. They don't have to agree/understand, they just have to respect it. By getting into a debate I may very well cause a rift in the family. Its not my job to change their minds (wouldn't do much good anyway since their kids are grown). I do also live in the south. The entire family was spanked and has spanked, and I mean the ENTIRE family, both sides, inlaws too! Dh and I are the only ones who don't. So for us to go against this family "tradition" is a big deal, and can be very difficult at times.

[mistymama]

Another non-spanker in the south here!

You are very right sparkysgirl, you wont change most people's minds - but I have experienced people coming to me and telling me they do respect my choice now because ds is very well behaved and has never been hit. They didn't believe me at age 3, but now that he's almost 8, they see that I'm not raising some wild, disrespectful child.

When I'm confronted with the subject, I try to just say, "I don't believe in hitting other people, that includes my children" and leave it at that. If people push the issue, I remind them that not too long ago is was still acceptable to hit/punish your wife for disobeying. I might quickly say that no spanking does not = no discipline, but I leave it short and sweet. I don't feel the need to explain myself, I only ask that people respect my wishes and parenting style, just as I respect theirs.

[SpottedFoxx]

If I feel the person will give me grief the answer is "because his father and I feel this is the proper way to raise a child" and change the subject. If I think the person will benefit from an actual conversation I will get into my laundry list of why we don't spank and that no spank does not equal no discipline.

[Mal85]

I try to keep it simple so there isn't much room for debate. So, generally I just say I don't think spanking works. A lot of times, we just leave it at that and they don't ask anymore questions. My mom will sometimes ask more questions. I just try to explain, in a casual way, that I try to use natural or logical consequences and spanking is neither of those things.

[Ornery]

I use "it doesn't work for our family" and leave it at that if it is someone who seems to be trying to encourage me to spank or really wants to debate it. If it is someone who is questioning how my children behave so well without spankings, I get into the nitty gritty details of how I came to my belief and how we "discipline". If people get downright obnoxious about it (as has happened), I also tend to throw the AAP's policy on it. That seems to throw a wrench in their spokes if they are people who rely a lot on authority. I usually can get a read on the person and take it from there.