NY mag article Why Parents Hate Parenting

[Solose]

http://nymag.com/news/features/67024...st-viewed-24h5

I don't have time to type my rhoughts right now, but what do you all think? Is parenting a chore for you? If not, why do you think it is for so many parents in our society?

[Ruthla]

I think it all comes down to how you're defining "happiness", which the article gets to in the end. Yeah, raising children is hard work, and life with young children is filled with many moments of drudgery. But children give meaning to life- in the big picture, they're worth it.

[Oriole]

Interesting article, and it kind of highlights what I thought all along...

* As a society, I think we "unlearned" to parent somehow. I believe it's in our genes, I believe it's in our instincts, but we stopped listening to our inner voice that guides us in parenting. That's not good. On top of everything, we have to figure out how this parenting fits in with the current demands of the society and what we see as "best" for our children. Why does this parent feel that doing homework is important? Certainly not because she hates her child.

* I think the way the work force is structured drains families. I don't have the answer for these problems, I am not suggesting people should quit their jobs and start spending time together, but I do think that 9 to 5 + overtime and stress takes toll on every member of the family. The providers, the homemakers, the children, everyone. Every person ends up feeling isolated and alone, and THAT's what leads to the feeling of being trapped and lonely and unhappy.

* I don't think women were meant to mother their children in a vacuum system. As it stands, the stress of providing adequate child-care for your baby drains that joy that could be parenthood for many families. It's tough. We are wired to nurture and protect, and yet have to make a choice: exhaust ourselves to fulfill that nurture and protect part, or go off to work and stress over who is nurturing and protecting our babies.

* The author of the article does point out that one of the studies on happiness showed that no one mentioned having children as one of the big life regrets, yet a few participants said they regretted never having a family. That says something, imho.

[Solose]

I agree with a lot of what you said, Oriole. I think it really boils down to the fact that a lot of childcare advice and the conditions we live really don't mesh with how human beings have evolved. Babies just haven't gotten he memo that they are supposed to sleep in a crib and eat a certain amount of solids by a certain age. Then parents get frustrated because they don't understand why babies arent acting like their pediatrician or childcare book said they are supposed to act. I also feel like there is a huge divide in our society between fun activities for kids and for adults. There is only one nice, non chain restaurant in my city that encourages children to come with parents, for example. The expectation is that you are either hanging out at a "kid-friendly" place like Chucky Cheese (sp?) or a playground or you get a baby sitter.

[rightkindofme]

I feel like most of the things that are talked about as reasons why people are less happy as parents involve societal pressure to conform to specific ideals. I am already getting a lot of pressure to put my two year old into 'structured activities' and I think that is madness. Dude. We go to the playground. We hang out around the house doing chores. We see friends and spend lots of quiet mellow time together. My life is WAY less pressured than it used to be. I'm having a depression spell this pregnancy, but overall I've been much happier since I started parenting. (I do concede that my marriage isn't where I want it to be. I kind of figure that the first year or so of a babies life is just hard and that's why we are only having two kids and they are close together--we are getting this part over with.)

I'm a big fan of logotherapy and my child (soon to be children) add so much meaning to my life. That really can't be beat for me.

[LavenderMae]

Oriole, I agree with much that you've written. I think much of the unhappiness and hardship of parenting comes from our societal standards for children, for men, for women, for parents, for work, for school...... We imo have got a lot of things backwards and it causes a lot of the problems we face as parents, partners and just people in general. I don't have any idea how we shift our culture but for me I try to live by what I feel is right and not worry so much about what I should be doing or how it should be done. That however does make the isolation worse...
For me being a mother has been so much more than I imagined both in joy and hardship. I had no idea raising children would be so isolating it seems so counter-intuitive but there it is. But being a mother is amazing and the best thing in my life and I can't imagine what could top it. I love my children with fierceness and purity that just isn't possible with anyone else.

[ThisCat]

I think it was a pretty brilliant article. I could relate to so much of it. I love my kids and find parenting rewarding overall, but I really struggle with the day to day of it sometimes. I think a lot of it is the structure of modern life and societal pressures.

[cappuccinosmom]

I agree with a lot of what Oriole said.

It's the type of article that I really and truly just don't *get*. Do I have down times? Do my kids drive me nuts sometimes? Am I sometimes impatient to get them to bed so I can do my own thing? Yep.

But I don't not like parenting. I can't think of anything I'd rather do. Now, there are some choices we made as a family that contribute to that contentedness. How we live our life, the kinds of schedule we have, the expectations we have for life and for each other, etc. If I were already stressed, or busy-busy, and came home to a tantruming toddler, and that was a regular thing, I can see where I'd start feeling unhappy. And even when childless I've never yearned for the kind of life (parties, going out on the town, all kinds of fun stuff) that kids supposedly "ruin". So for me their existence is pretty much all gain and no loss.

[Happiestever]

I struggle with the day to day too. However I see the greater picture when it comes to my kids. I think about when my kids are older and even further to when my children have children and how I will be able to hold my grandchildren like I hold mine now. There are definitely things I would like to be doing, but I would rather experience it with my loved ones in tow.

It's not so much a chore as it is plain hard work. But the rewards far out weigh the difficulties. I know for sure it would be easier if we lived in a society that paid for both parents to remain at home to raise babies into more able toddlers (at the minimum). I know for sure it would be easier if we all had a way to connect to get the help we so often need but cannot find. I know there is something I am missing in life and for me it is a sense of community- it takes a village- that is what I believe. Where is my village?
Even without all this though I still cherish every moment, even the hard ones because life is so short and I want family to share it with.

[mamadelbosque]

I loved that article. I often wonder where I'd be *right now* if I hadn't gotten pregnant w/ ds1 4 yrs ago. But do I regret it? Not for a moment. I wouldn't change a darn thing if I could go back in time to just over 4 yrs ago and remind myself "hey stupid! tell your boyfriend to use a f'ing condom!!" I really wouldn't. I love my life - no, I'm not always having a great day - the boys can be quite trying at times, but overall they're good kids and I love them, and just... yeah.

But, acknowleding that parenting *IS* work is good - as much as I love it (most of the time, it is work. And remembering that is good for everyone - for us moms, for our partners, and our families and the random people on the street who see us both when we're having a *GREAT* day and clearly loving life and our kids, and who see us having a *MISERABLE* day, dragging screaming, cranky kids who for whatever reason refused to nap and have thus been getting on our nerves (and their own!!) all. day. long. Just like maybe their co-worker was driving them crazy or a whole days worth of work just got lost cause' their computer crashed at the wrong moment, or they spilled coffee all over the brand new laptop, or whatever. Cause' crap happens. And we *ALL* have bad days, but its the big picture that matters.

[spughy]

I thought it was a good article, particularly the part about how the lack of a social safety net causes *individual* stress and unhappiness, even among the middle-class and wealthy folk.

I also see that the people who are the least happy being parents are those who are trying the hardest to ensure that their kids "have every advantage" (ie, are scheduled 24/7 from age 2 or so). I limit my kid's scheduled stuff to no more than two once-a-week programs at any given time. Sure, it means she can't do ballet, music class, soccer, art and swimming all at once, but it also means that most days, there's not a lot of having to be somewhere, which means there's not a lot of "Get your shoes on. GET. YOUR. SHOES. ON. NOOOOWWWWWWWWW" stress either. If we go somewhere, it's to the playground across the street, where I can yak with a really good friend, who happens to be the mom of my dd's bff, and it's somewhere we both want to go.

The other thing I see that makes for unhappy parents is a lack of supportive extended family nearby. My DH's parents live in town and we spend a lot of time with them. They are always happy to have DD come and hang out with them, so if I have errands to run, DD can usually have a choice of whether to tag along or not. I also have a reciprocal child care arrangement with a neighbour, so that both of us can, once or twice a week, take a class, teach a class, or just get some stuff done that's more pleasurable or easier to complete without little hands to help. So, we've got our village.

And, DH and I planned for parenthood from the minute we got married. Before, actually. We knew we always wanted one of us to be able to stay home with any children, so we never got used to two incomes. Even when we had two, we just stashed the extra and continued to live like students. We'd seen so many of our friends both working and hating it, wanting to have a stay-at-home parent, but unable to do so and afford the mortgage. So, we had the kid first, and the mortgage came when we could afford it AND still have me stay home.

Also, I babysat a LOT as a teen, nannied, and taught school-age kids during university; I had a pretty good grasp on the range of child behaviour, and more or less knew what I was in for in terms of daily work. (The breastfeeding issues were a bit of a shocker though.) When our daughter turned out to be on the easy end of the spectrum for just about everything, I had enough perspective to know it, and not stress that she is stubborn as hell, occasionally repeats naughty things I say in front of grandma, and is prone to hysterical fits if woken from a nap. A lot of my friends had no exposure to children before having them, which frankly ought to be illegal. (kidding. sort of.)

And we are CONTENT. Not happy 100% of the time - every family has conflicts, bad days, chores nobody wants to do - but we feel like we're doing it right, for the most part. Some of that is our choices, some of it's just good fortune. And I wish every parent - especially the unhappy ones - could have as good a life as we do, imperfect as it is.

[madskye]

It's an interesting article...for me, the "take away" was the line about parenting not creating minute by minute happiness but instead creating a larger, more conceptual happiness when you look at your life.

I completely agree with that. Minute by minute, I do get overwhelmed and stressed at being responsible feeding and clothing and transporting and physically and emotionally nurturing someone else.

But, I do actually think about building a family and creating memories and the fact that our family is BIGGER than just me--I love my DD tremendously, and I love the family we've created and that does give me happiness.

For me, if I focus on the grind and the stress--that's what it becomes all about. I need to focus on the good stuff in everything, not just parenting...but I am a glass half full kind of preson and always have been.

[ThisCat]

I was just thinking it would have been interesting if they expanded on the issue of comparing ourselves to others and needing reference books to raise our kids the "right" way. Personally, I think the explosion of the parenting books market and the advent of the internet have done more harm than good in some ways. I mean it's nice to get the info you need about a particular issue or a little feedback from other parents sometimes, but the opportunity to compare your life to others has increased a billion times over not to mention the fact that what people are comparing themselves to may not even be real or at least it's only a tiny perfectly framed snapshot of an otherwise normal less than perfect life.

[mamazee]

I agree with those who say that the problem, or at least it was for me when I was having problems being happy with parenthood, is having an exectation of perfection. Perfect diet, perfect toy choices, perfect sleep, perfect everything. At first I was very stressed. When I relaxed, things got a lot better for me.

[tanyam926]

This article really spoke to me and I thought it was well written in an honest but positive way.


I agree w/all of you so far; parenting is hard work. It's the most difficult thing I have ever done bc it's incredibley important to me and it requires more thought, patience, and presence on my part than anything I have ever done before. It is exhausting to be present (and of course I think I need improvement in this area), and to balance the needs and wants of everyone in the family.

We, as parents but especially mothers, have to fulfill so many roles on a daily basis that it's impossible for it to be fun all of the time. It takes so much thinking outside of ourselves, and not on our own schedule, and there is little control over the day to day things.

It's also exhausting to worry so much about being perfect and about what everyone else thinks. As I have grown older I have learned to let of unnattainable perfection so that I can enjoy my life more. However, it's much easier to throw caution to the wind w/my own life but more worrisome to think that I may be screwing up my kids and not even know it (I don't think that but the thought has crossed my mind a few times over the yrs...).

And I do enjoy my children on a daily basis. Bottom line, parents need more social support and less judgement, more blending of all areas of life, the ability to nurture oneself and the partner relationship w/out feeling guilty, and a shift in cultural thinking that values intuition and parenting instinctually.

[One_Girl]

I enjoyed the article. Parenting is a lot of work and worry, especially if you have an idealized vision of the parent you want to be and are constantly comparing yourself to that. I agree that the worry about getting kids prepared for college does add a lot of stress, especially when you have to worry about how you are going to pay for health insurance and daycare on top of the enriching activities. I also like the end where it talks about glossing over the little horrible details and overemphasizing the peaceful ones.

[Quinalla]

I think the article was pretty much spot on. I have seen a lot of parents who get so caught up in all the day to day things and making sure they've prepared their child as best they can that they are just so stressed and whatnot. And we definitely do spend more time with our children now than past generations, both mom and dad despite the fact that we also work more too! But we still feel that parental guilt that you can never spend enough time with them.

I am trying to do my best not to get caught in what I think of as the parenting comparison trap. You look around and see that your friend's baby or the babies at daycare are doing X, gee I better train my child to do that too, they are falling behind, ahhhh! You all know the drill. And it only gets worse once they are in school (I imagine anyway) when they are being graded on how well they learn things. I hope I can stick to my Mom's motto of "Did you try your best and did you learn something? Then the grade isn't that important."

I also am trying very hard to not fall into the guilt trap that I'm not spending enough time with my baby or that the time isn't of high enough quality and just enjoying it and making sure to give enough time to myself and my DH.

[jeteaa]

Originally Posted by Happiestever

I struggle with the day to day too. However I see the greater picture when it comes to my kids. I think about when my kids are older and even further to when my children have children and how I will be able to hold my grandchildren like I hold mine now. There are definitely things I would like to be doing, but I would rather experience it with my loved ones in tow.

I would think that most of the psychologists in this article would advise you to NOT set yourself up for disappointment. What if your dc DON'T want to have kids. What if they do, but live thousands of miles away from you and only see you once a year? What if the things that YOU want to experience, aren't what your loves ones want to experience?

[hildare]

hmm..
on page 3, the article discusses that parents who have children later in life tend to know what they're giving up, etc. and i really disagree with that bit. i had dd when i was 36. while i cannot imagine what a strain it would have been to become a parent as a younger person, i feel as though waiting so long has made me a more grateful parent.
however, i do think i might not enjoy parenthood if i didn't have such an involved partner. sometimes it DOES drive me crazy to be unable to simply clean the house... i just think it's written for and from a perspective that isn't mine. i see parents out and about in stores, etc. who are CLEARLY not enjoying their children. it's not really news that some people aren't happy as parents. but, i tend to agree with oriele and others, that the reasons for unhappiness are because many people lack support and the expectations of mainstream society just don't fit with the reality of raising a child. the actual product differs from what you see on tv.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by hildare

hmm..
on page 3, the article discusses that parents who have children later in life tend to know what they're giving up, etc. and i really disagree with that bit. i had dd when i was 36. while i cannot imagine what a strain it would have been to become a parent as a younger person, i feel as though waiting so long has made me a more grateful parent.

I was/am very grateful for my last three living children. I was actively trying to have a second child for a long, long time. That said...parenting was a whole lot easier when I was 24-25 than when I was 34-35. I have more money now (not financially "secure" in the on track for retirement sense...but at least able to pay the rent, buy food, do some extra and put away some savings). I have a far more supportive partner. I'm also really, really tired, and it really is just a lot harder. I don't have any feeling of "knowing what I'm giving up"...but I do have a feeling of "I wish I'd been able to do this when I was younger and more energetic".

I haven't read the article, but I'm going to do that in a bit. It sounds interesting.