Frustrated with MIL - long vent + feedback maybe?

[1stTimeMama4-4-10]

There was another post but it was taken down because of my title. Ooops! So here it is again.

I have always had a pretty good relationship with my MIL. She and DH have a very close relationship that has gone beyond some of my boundaries in the past, but then, I'm also a pretty private person.

When I became pregnant, she said some rude things while we were in the process of naming our DD. It never got resolved and still irks me a little. I find now though, that I am annoyed with any mention of MIL and I don't really know what to do to resolve it.

DD is almost 3 months old and MIL visits at least once a week. Since her first visit, it's always the same thing - MIL will hold the baby and immediately leave the room and walk the baby in another room if we are inside or at least 25 feet away if we are outside. She has actively avoided me in the past while holding DD, and this weekend while at the park, I was sitting on a blanket when MIL decided she wanted to put DD down and play with her while DD was on her back. Well MIL didn't bring DD to the blanket to lie her down next to me, instead, she got the changing mat and took it 20 feet away and laid it down by herself. This really annoys me.

I do not want her walking away with the baby - I feel like if she is visiting us, she should stay in the same room both because I don't want my baby in another room, and because hopefully she will at least pretend she is interested in talking with us when she visits. But she doesn't, and it makes me uncomfortable because if I follow her, it's pretty obvious and I feel like I am hovering, and if I don't, I can't really do anything else because I want to be near my baby and I am steaming about MIL separating her from me. Both my and DH's parents are divorced, and of the four sets of grandparents, MIL is the only one who does this. This is a minor thing but it REALLY bugs me!

What makes it much worse is that from the beginning, I have to be very forceful when it is time to take DD back. She will be shrieking at the top of her lungs, and MIL will say, "oh I think she has a bubble." No lady, that is NOT the problem. She's either starving, or freaked out and wants to be with her mother. So I have to chase MIL down and practically wrench DD out of her grasp. She's always surprised that DD nurses so frequently - DD is a snacker and will nurse for short periods very often, she's always been this way. I also nurse her frequently when we are outside in the 90 degree heat - MIL didn't realize that DD needs to stay hydrated I guess. She just keeps trying to walk or bounce DD instead of doing the most obvious thing, and giving her to me so I can nurse her!

MIL clearly really does not ever want to give DD back to me no matter what, and she doesn't seem to understand DD's cues, or she doesn't care. A few days ago, DD was being held by another family member and started screaming, so I took her and was getting ready to nurse her when MIL walked over and tried to pick her up, while saying, "oh, can I hold her now?" NO! The baby needs to nurse and calm down with me, why the heck would MIL want to take DD from me when she is shrieking? I am more assertive now and just take DD away from MIL, but I hate it that I even have to do that. Again, none of the other grandparents hesitate to give DD to me if she is doing anything more than whimpering. It makes me really angry and resentful every time I have to do it.

She also wants to tell us what she thinks is going on and diagnose what is wrong with DD whether or not she is crying. She is always sure DD has gas, and talks endlessly about how she has a bubble or she is bringing her legs up. I think she believes she is being helpful, but she is usually wrong and again, it's so minor, but it bugs me so much!

She was bewildered the other day when DD was crying, and I told her that I usually put her in the sling to calm her down. I MEANT that I wanted to put her in the sling to soothe her and nurse. Well, MIL asked me if I wanted her to try the sling. Honestly, no I didn't. I wanted to soothe my child, and I didn't want to spend 15 minutes teaching MIL how to wear the sling safely and comfortably while DD screamed. Again, I had to just take her because MIL didn't understand that DD needed me. So I took her and nursed her in the sling, and DD fell asleep. She was in the sling, so I wanted to let her sleep a few minutes before giving her back to MIL and MIL decides to "take a walk," so she took off by herself for 20 minutes. It seemed like a passive aggressive move like, since you won't let me hold the baby, I'm going to pout and punish you. Grrrrr.

She is also super overprotective of DD when it is totally unnecessary. DH and I have two large dogs that are VERY gentle with DD, and who we encourage to have contact with DD to ensure that they bond with her. Well, whenever the dogs come near DD when MIL is holding her, she kicks out at them and yells at them to get away from the baby. We have explained that they are encouraged to have contact with her, supervised of course, but it doesn't sink in. The last time she did it, I snapped at her, and told her the dogs live here and that they are allowed anywhere they want to be, and that the baby isn't in any danger. She then said she didn't want the dogs near her because she was afraid their tails would hit her.

I don't know what to do at this point. I feel so much resentment any time she visits, and it's just getting worse and festering. I talked to DH about it, and he sees the same things I do, but doesn't want to say anything to her because then she will get hurt and offended and won't want to visit at all. I was hoping I would feel better after we talked about it, but I find that I say mean things about her all the time now, and every time she's mentioned I get angry for no reason.

I went back to work today and DH is going to be a SAHD. Naturally, his mother thinks that she will see the baby pretty much every day (she is a school psychologist and has the summer off). It is totally unreasonable of me, but I just hate the idea of her spending many days per week with my DD when I can't be home with her myself, my family won't see her that frequently, and I have no idea how DH will react if his mother refuses to give DD to him to soothe.

Anyone have any feedback? I know she's not the worst MIL to have, which is part of the problem. I feel like on the one hand, I'm just being far too hard on her, but on the other hand, I feel justified in my frustration. I don't know what the answer is, I'm just hoping to feel a little less crazy by writing this out, and maybe hearing what others think of her.

[stik]

I love having lots of caring family in my children's lives, tons and tons of people who will bond with them, play with them, and care for them at the drop of a hat. However, I absolutely would not tolerate what your MIL is doing.

You're not even a little crazy.

[Knitting Mama]

Oh, mama, ! You are not crazy, and she is definitely being passive aggressive! I'm a first time mama to a 3 month old as well, and your situation reminds me somewhat of mine, although with a little less passive aggression. A couple of questions-

1. Is this her first grandchild? I have noticed this with my husband's family; they act ridiculously possessive with Cecilia, because she's the first grandbaby, and they are trying to get used to being grandparents for the first time, just like my husband and I are learning to be parents for the first time. This is not easy for us, but we're trying to be understanding.

2. Speaking of husband, have you talked to yours yet? If so, what is his reaction? This, too, has been a bit tough for us, since my husband both wants to support me and defend his family. He's beginning to see, though, that he needs to stand by me and our parenting choices even when they are counter to what his parents say is "right." He's getting a bit tired of being guilt tripped by them, and I think that gives him a bit of clarity.

[Knitting Mama]

Originally Posted by 1stTimeMama4/4/10

I find now though, that I am annoyed with any mention of MIL and I don't really know what to do to resolve it.

Also, this part of your post really resonates with me, because it's how I feel as well. My in-laws have backed off a lot in their "friendly advice" and have even stepped back as much guilting now that my husband stands his ground to them, but it doesn't stop me from being irritated with going to see them weekly. It always puts me in a bad mood, and I hate that feeling. I guess time is the healer for this.

[akind1]

The part that resonated with me the most is this:

She also wants to tell us what she thinks is going on and diagnose what is wrong with DD whether or not she is crying. She is always sure DD has gas, and talks endlessly about how she has a bubble or she is bringing her legs up. I think she believes she is being helpful, but she is usually wrong and again, it's so minor, but it bugs me so much!

When DS was that age and younger, he did this all the time, I tried to explain that he just liked to be curled up . . . he really isn't gassy, he isn't writhing or fussing. She still every time we saw her, was like, poor baby, are you a little gassy? (in baby voice, which just grates on my nerves)

I think you may need to become more assertive, which will either acheive a better relationship, or drive her away. Like with the blanket, you can play here by me. If you don't like it, I will hold the baby, etc.

Good luck!

[Geigerin]

Hang in there. What you're feeling is natural. At this age, we have mama hormones and instincts telling us to keep baby close. I think you're more tolerant because you don't want to hurt DH or offend MIL. Do you find that you are more permissive because she's your MIL? What would you do if your own family were doing this? Would you feel more comfortable demanding what you and baby need?

I ask because my grandmother does this. She doesn't mean anything by it. She's just a baby hog. I've seen her do it with my friends kids at parties. Our first outing with Maddy was at Easter, and grandma just walked up to me, pulled Maddy from my arms, and walked away. I looked at my DH and started crying. It felt wrong!!

Since then, I let grandma know when she can hold the baby, and I do follow her around. I don't care if it's hovering; she's my kid!! Grandma tries to just bounce the baby, too. Recent conversation whily Maddy was fussing:

Me: She probably needs her diaper changed.
Grandma: just bounces around the room. Fussing escalates.
Me: She doesn't like a wet diaper. I need to change her.
Grandma: more bouncing and Sh-ing
Me (with all diaper changing materials spread on the floor): Here. Let me change her.

By this time, it takes longer to calm the baby because gma let her escalate too much. Arg.

For me, it's harder to be assertive with in-laws, especially if they were acting like your MIL. The weird behavior at the park is just downright disrespectful. If she won't treat you and DH with kindness and respect, she hasn't earned the right to spend that kind of time with your daughter, IMO.

[1blueheron]

Originally Posted by Geigerin

Grandma tries to just bounce the baby, too.

Ack, what's with the bouncing? My MIL insists that "the baby bounce" is the cure to all ills. But my LO doesn't cry for bouncing, only when hungry or tired! It doesn't help that she said to me recently "babies just need to cry sometimes."

I have many of the same feelings OP expressed about my MIL, who oddly enough will also sometimes try to quietly bounce the baby off to the next room. Maybe they're afraid of criticism? Maybe bouncing is the one thing she can do easily? (ie, can't nurse, unfamiliar with cloth diapers and slings)

Maybe what you need to do is equip her with the means to help out in other ways - like showing her how to use the sling when baby is relaxed. I know it's hard handing them over (in fact I sometimes have to leave the room myself). Maybe you can make a joke out of it? (Hey baby hog, bring that cute baby back over here so we can all smile at her sweet self while you hold her!!) Or say you really want to take a bunch of pictures of her holding the baby so you have an excuse to stick around.

Good luck. MILs are challenging and seem to require a lot of training!

[VillageMom6]

Here's the short term solution: Say this phrase as often as needed... "Give me my baby."

You are well beyond the point of having to explain your parenting philosophies or giving a reason for wanting your baby back. Just say, "Give me my baby."

For a long term solution, have you considered asking your MIL why she takes the baby away from you?

Just ask, "Why are you going into another room?"... "Why don't you lay her down on this blanket instead of the changing pad?"... "Why won't you give me my baby?".

Put her on the defensive, rather than you. YOU are the sane one here! Make her explain to you the reasons for her behavior, rather than the other way around.

Many, many wishes of best luck to you. I've been there, hon!

[Mawood]

I felt and feel the same way with my inlaws. It is so upsetting, gets my heart rate up and is just plain stressful. I feel it is related to the kind of relationship we have. My husbands parents are divorced and unfortunately his father and stepmother, who we don't have a close relationship with live nearby. We used to see them maybe three times a year but now they want to visit all the time. They too are very insensitive with wanting to hold the baby - especially when Olivia was little. It used to drive me crazy and still does but they got the message that I don't like passing her around and somewhat backed off. My husbands mother, who we are very close with, is very sensitive and sweet with Olivia. She knows when to take her and when to give her back and I feel very comfortable with her holding her. Unfortunately she lives very far away. I just read a book written by a Mom who is a buddhist and says a lot about anger and what it does to you. I kept thinking that really the anger hurts me and my husband more than them but what can you do when people are just so insensitive? It is definitely a challenge about motherhood I hadn't expected. So I really hear you. You are not crazy and you are not the only person who feels that way!!!

[Black Orchid]

Having BTDT and gotten beyond, I personally think you need to reread your post with a little more perspective. While there are definitely a number of small boundry issues, there isn't anything harmful that your MIL has said or done.

It is hard sometimes, but you have to remember that ILs are coming from a place of love. And kids *need* to have close relationships with extended family. It feeds them and helps them to learn how to interact with the world. It really doesn't matter if you *like* your MIL, you have to find a way to be polite and tolerant for your husband and child's sakes. She will probably always say and do things that you don't like or agree with- but as long as they aren't harming your child or disparaging you, just turn the other way or pretend you don't know.

you really have to be careful what you wish for... I could have written your post word-for-word a decade ago... and eventually we had a MILS showdown in which my DH cut off all ties. Now he and my children are left with a missing half of the family and I have a lot of guilt for it.

MILs will never be perfect and neither are we (DILs). What is important is to overcome all the personal strife and find a place to get along and show respect for the kiddos. I'm always quite shocked at the level of one-sided MIL bashing that happens here and I don't think it reflects the values that this board promotes.

[Peace+Hope]

i don't think you are crazy either! imo she has some reason she's doing this, it's not innocent.

for the sake of peace, if it's not a good idea in your case to confront her, consistent, firm direction, but polite, may be your best bet. "i am not comfortable when she's out of my sight, so please ALWAYS keep baby in this room," "MIL, every time, as soon as baby is fussy, i'm going to take her from you." make "always" and "never" statements to get your point across, it will be harder for her to act this way "innocently."

i agree w/ pp about talking w/ your husband. the only way i have been able to make lasting progress with MIL is for my husband to initiate, and preferably when i'm NOT there.

that you are not there and have to imagine how she's being. i hope her presence will be a good break for your DH, and maybe she won't act quite as odd with him? maybe you can ask him to make a schedule with her? since this is partially a boundaries issue, it might feel better if you know there are SOME boundaries she's respecting even when you're not around.

[mom2happy]

Nothing she is doing seems terrible to me except walking away with the baby.
She probably is just feeling possesive about her sons baby and doesnt really mean harm.
It might be a little passive aggressive. As far as the walk she wanted to go on because you wouldnt let her have the baby- thats ok, dont sweat it. That was a better way of her handling her feelings then attacking you.
You definitely have resentment towards her for this (which I would too)
Do you think she has some towards you?
I think a good talk would solve things and bring you closer.
You can tell her that it upsets you to have baby far from you and when she gets older you will give her plenty of time for solitary time that she can be alone with the child. Tell her she'll be begging to give her back!
Not really, but just to make her feel that the time will come that she can have that.

My mil wanted to take my toddlers to movies and things like that and I honestly told her I wasnt ready for that. I never thought I would be, but now at 5 and 7 things are much better for all of us. Ive had to have a lot of talks with her over the years, and it always helps.
Honesty is the best policy. Even if you are overprotective ( I am) you can apologize for that so she doesnt take it personally.

Im on my third one and my mil walks into the other room when she is trying to soothe her and at this point unless the baby is crying I dont mind at all.

[sugarpop]

I feel your pain...I too sometimes think I am an irrational mother when it comes to my MIL but I also think she ignores boundaries at times. I am, however, lucky, in that she lives too far away to come by daily or even weekly!

I just want you to know you aren't alone. I have told my DH that he has to be the middle man...he has to step up and mark our territory and set boundaries. He isn't always great at it and sometimes I have to give him a look but he will usually get my LO from his mothers arms when I need him to.

I often say...oh, she just needs her mama...and leave it at that. I don't justify or make excuses, it is MY baby not YOURS, you had YOURS (that is how I feel). I know she means well, but a crying baby is terrible and when it is my crying baby it is heart wrenching. I have also at times said...it makes my heart break to hear or cry...I need a cuddle, or even I miss my little girl (and take her back)

Again, she may not mean to upset me and if my hormones were normal or if it were someone elses baby I would think I was crazy...but my hormones are upside down and it is my little babe...so give her BACK!

[crunchy_mommy]

What if your DH talks to her but approaches it in a positive way? Like, "We love having you visit & want DD to bond with you, but we really want to be the ones to soothe her when she's upset. We also are uneasy having her away from us, even just in the other room. Plus we don't get a chance to chat & visit with you when you take her away from us." Something on that idea?

I totally feel your frustration, my MIL & mom were both like that when DS was younger. I stand up to my mom no problem, we're very close, and my MIL backed off a lot when my nephew (her second grandchild) was born... but during the rough times we just insisted on doing things our way, and tried not to hurt any feelings in the process. I remember telling MIL that DS was just learning to roll even though he wasn't -- I just didn't want her changing him on the changing table without a buckle, but didn't want to seem like I was criticizing. So it was all about finding creative ways to communicate what you want/need.

I also feel the same resentment at the mere thought of visiting with the inlaws. DS is 17mos but those early days left a bitter taste in my mouth. We are currently limiting visits quite a bit (once every 1-2 months at most).

Oh also if your DH wants to see his mom while he's staying home with your DD all day, I'm not sure there's much you can do about that. I know I hang out with my mom frequently when I'm home with DS -- but certainly not every day, it's more like every other week or so. But one thing you could do is sign DH up for things like library story hours, playdates, etc. (if he wants to) so that he's busy & has an excuse for not seeing MIL daily!

[1stTimeMama4-4-10]

Originally Posted by Cecilia's Mama

Is this her first grandchild?

Yes. Not only is this her first grandchild, DH is an only child, so the only grandchildren she will have will be ours!

Originally Posted by Cecilia's Mama

Speaking of husband, have you talked to yours yet? If so, what is his reaction?

Yes, we have talked about it. Basically, he thinks that his mom is just a little unbalanced and totally gaga over DD, and gets blinders and doesn't see how her behavior could possibly bother me. He is probably right. She is NOT a bad person and I know she wouldn't do these things maliciously or out of spite. The problem is that she is an EXTREMELY emotional person, and no matter how we approach it, she will be terribly hurt. I definitely don't want that.

Originally Posted by Geigerin

Hang in there. What you're feeling is natural. At this age, we have mama hormones and instincts telling us to keep baby close. I think you're more tolerant because you don't want to hurt DH or offend MIL. Do you find that you are more permissive because she's your MIL? What would you do if your own family were doing this? Would you feel more comfortable demanding what you and baby need?

There is DEFINITELY some of this going on. I AM a little wacky when it comes to DD, and I'm probably overprotective, but I do think some of it is biological. And yes, if my mom or anyone else in my family was doing what MIL does, I would let them know it bothered me right away. I can't do that with MIL because she is very sensitive and emotional. I'm also super intense, and I know that no matter how I approach her, I will blow her doors off. Part of what bothers me though, is that NO ONE else does these things, so why does she?

Originally Posted by 1blueheron

Maybe what you need to do is equip her with the means to help out in other ways - like showing her how to use the sling when baby is relaxed. I know it's hard handing them over (in fact I sometimes have to leave the room myself). Maybe you can make a joke out of it? (Hey baby hog, bring that cute baby back over here so we can all smile at her sweet self while you hold her!!) Or say you really want to take a bunch of pictures of her holding the baby so you have an excuse to stick around.

This is a good idea. I'm not too good with fake jokes, but this is probably the best way to approach it. And I know it's another symptom of my craziness, but I don't really want her using the sling, because then she REALLY won't ever give DD back!

Originally Posted by VillageMom6

Here's the short term solution: Say this phrase as often as needed... "Give me my baby."

You are well beyond the point of having to explain your parenting philosophies or giving a reason for wanting your baby back. Just say, "Give me my baby."

For a long term solution, have you considered asking your MIL why she takes the baby away from you?

Just ask, "Why are you going into another room?"... "Why don't you lay her down on this blanket instead of the changing pad?"... "Why won't you give me my baby?".

Put her on the defensive, rather than you. YOU are the sane one here! Make her explain to you the reasons for her behavior, rather than the other way around.

Many, many wishes of best luck to you. I've been there, hon!

I don't know how she would react to me asking her why she is doing what she's doing. I haven't done it so far, so she would know she was getting called out - I will have to think about this.

Originally Posted by Mawood

I just read a book written by a Mom who is a buddhist and says a lot about anger and what it does to you. I kept thinking that really the anger hurts me and my husband more than them but what can you do when people are just so insensitive? It is definitely a challenge about motherhood I hadn't expected. So I really hear you. You are not crazy and you are not the only person who feels that way!!!

This is a biggie for me. I certainly don't want to be angry around MIL, she's a great woman in most ways, and I really don't want to harm our relationship further. I also don't want to in any way damage DD's or DH's relationship with MIL. Most of all, I don't want to have needless angry feelings. I'm not sure how to make them go away though!

Originally Posted by Black Orchid

Having BTDT and gotten beyond, I personally think you need to reread your post with a little more perspective. While there are definitely a number of small boundry issues, there isn't anything harmful that your MIL has said or done.

It is hard sometimes, but you have to remember that ILs are coming from a place of love. And kids *need* to have close relationships with extended family. It feeds them and helps them to learn how to interact with the world. It really doesn't matter if you *like* your MIL, you have to find a way to be polite and tolerant for your husband and child's sakes. She will probably always say and do things that you don't like or agree with- but as long as they aren't harming your child or disparaging you, just turn the other way or pretend you don't know.

you really have to be careful what you wish for... I could have written your post word-for-word a decade ago... and eventually we had a MILS showdown in which my DH cut off all ties. Now he and my children are left with a missing half of the family and I have a lot of guilt for it.

MILs will never be perfect and neither are we (DILs). What is important is to overcome all the personal strife and find a place to get along and show respect for the kiddos. I'm always quite shocked at the level of one-sided MIL bashing that happens here and I don't think it reflects the values that this board promotes.

You are so right. I feel all of these things and I have reread the post a few times and it still accurately represents my feelings, but at the same time, I totally recognize that the minor offenses are not worth some awful blow out that will result in my DH and DD losing their relationship with MIL. That being said, I am still struggling with just how to get past my resentment and how to prevent it from just rising up again.

Originally Posted by mom2happy

Nothing she is doing seems terrible to me except walking away with the baby.
She probably is just feeling possesive about her sons baby and doesnt really mean harm.
It might be a little passive aggressive. As far as the walk she wanted to go on because you wouldnt let her have the baby- thats ok, dont sweat it. That was a better way of her handling her feelings then attacking you.
You definitely have resentment towards her for this (which I would too)
Do you think she has some towards you?
I think a good talk would solve things and bring you closer.
You can tell her that it upsets you to have baby far from you and when she gets older you will give her plenty of time for solitary time that she can be alone with the child. Tell her she'll be begging to give her back!
Not really, but just to make her feel that the time will come that she can have that.

I know what she is doing isn't earthshattering, but man it makes me grind my teeth and I'm just festering about it. I am definitely resentful of her, and it is possible she is also resentful of me, but I don't know why she would be. I mean, I'm far from perfect, but I really can't think of anything I may have done that would have offended her. I keep my mouth shut about everything when it comes to her, and go out of my way to include her all the time.

A talk is a good idea if we can get that far, but I feel like she would have to initiate it or else it would just seem like I was scolding her. As far as telling her she will have solitary time soon - she has literally been offering to give us a break and take DD off our hands since she was one day old. And she offers pretty much every time she sees us. I have made clear that I am not comfortable with that yet, but she keeps persisting. More crazy thoughts over here, but I swear it seems like she wants me/us gone when she sees DD!

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy

What if your DH talks to her but approaches it in a positive way? Like, "We love having you visit & want DD to bond with you, but we really want to be the ones to soothe her when she's upset. We also are uneasy having her away from us, even just in the other room. Plus we don't get a chance to chat & visit with you when you take her away from us." Something on that idea?

I know I hang out with my mom frequently when I'm home with DS -- but certainly not every day, it's more like every other week or so.

I will bring this up to DH to see if he would be comfortable doing that. I'm still afraid that it will sound like scolding, which I know for a fact she will not take well. As far as visiting when I'm at work, if it was once a week, it's fine by me, and it looks like that's all it is going to be - but MIL thought it would literally be every day!

Thank you so much for all of your thoughtful replies - you have given me lots to think about. I think I have a better grasp of the issues that I have with her, and it's pretty much all boundary stuff. DH is supportive of me, and for that I'm really grateful. I still don't know the best way to actually approach MIL, but I do think this needs to be resolved before it gets bigger than it already is. The last thing I want is to be responsible for a family split because my resentment turned into a runaway train.

I also feel validated and like my feelings aren't totally crazy. I knew that her behavior was fairly minor stuff, but it's good to know that I'm not just totally overreacting since her behavior would bother lots of other mammas too.

Thanks again all!

[Belia]

I agree with the PP who suggests that you call her out for her behavior in a very calm, matter-of-fact way.

"Why are you leaving the room with DD?"
"Why don't you put DD on the blanket with the rest of the family?"

She'll come up with some little nonsense response, and you should have a stock answer ready that you repeat, repeat, repeat.

Some version of "DD needs to *blank*" Stay in the room with me, come to me, be closer on this blanket. Don't argue, don't defend, don't get dragged into any discussion. Just state in clear language what you expect.


I'm so sorry that you are back at work while MIL gets to be with your baby. That part made me

[crunchy_mommy]

Yeah if you're really worried about it coming across as scolding, focus on YOU & DH and how YOU feel --

"I know we're crazy over-protective, probably more than most new parents, but could you keep DD in the room with us?"

or

"DH & I just can't stand to be away from DD even for a minute, we just love her to pieces, let's keep her nearby -- but we'll let you know when we're ready for a bit of a break when she's older, maybe you can even be the first to babysit her!"

Just take all the blame (even though I don't think you're being over-protective, but I know some -- many -- people wouldn't blink at someone doing what your MIL is doing -- maybe it's an AP thing). I would feel the same as you, and I'd just blame it on my over-protectiveness or something, no fault of MIL, "I know you're just trying to help" type of thing.