yet another... How Do you explain to your parents/inlaws

[JordanKX]

My mother has been Driving Me Crazy recently with comments. I knew it would come (I do know the woman, after all) - but DS is only 9.5 months old.

"he is so demanding"

if he's not sleeping for a nap... "picking him up/driving him around isn't the ONLY option... you could just let him cry"

"at some point you'll have to decide who's in charge"

UGH.

I've just been saying...
"mom, I am choosing a different style of parenting"
"mom, here's a book on attachment parenting"
"mom, I am NOT [insert any family member she's making comparison to]

She just kind of scoffs and then says something horrible like... "sometimes you lose perspective when it's your child... I'm just trying to help you as an onlooker".

Don't get me wrong... there are aspects to my mother's beliefs that I agree with... for Children. For older kids. And yeah, maybe if you start young enough, blah blah. He's 9.5 months old! He's not demanding, he's hungry!
He's not sleeping well at naps recently because he's cutting teeth. Not because I need to let him CIO... he's crying because something's not working for him. (just to insert, I Do let him cry. For like 3 minutes. If he's not asleep, then he wasn't ready to be put down. Pick him up... bring him into the living room, we'll try again in 45 minutes).

I'm 34 and her only child. It's been a LONG time since she had a baby and I know in my heart she means well, but I really think she's lost perspective on how Young he still is. She thinks she can say "No" and he'll rationally understand to stop pulling her hair.

enyhoo.. vent. Tonight was the first night that I needed her to babysit for 3hrs, and she had a lot to say.

[akind1]

I think you are saying the right things; though I don't know that a book would help. My mom just sort of rolls my eyes at me sometimes, but I try and explain that, for instance, we don't feed on a schedule, because I think it is just cruel to make a baby wait to eat and because if he isn't hungry when it's "time" I don't want him to get in the habit of eating when he isn't hungry. (My dad looked at me with amazement and was like, that makes SO much sense! yay Dad!)

Or bedtime: he will sleep when he's ready, and I don't know whether your mom BF or not, but you can let her know that (in case she forgot) your boobs respond when the baby cries whether the rest of your body does or not! so responding to his cues is for your benefit as well as your DS's.

My MIL, bless her, has just my DH, and since she had to WOH, and travel, he was raised a lot by his grandmothers, and there I days I wonder if she ever had a baby, she is great with him when he is happy but doesn't know what to do when he's not. thankfully he is happy most of the time.

And eventually he will figure out what NO means, but you kind of have to combine that with untangling his fingers from your hair . . . kind of like the biting, if you just say NO and don't stop the behavior, it isn't going to click. (thankfully, DS has only bit my finger so far, and it is my fault as I put it in his mouth!)

[mamazee]

"This time, I'm the mom, and I get to decide how to do it." Repeat as often as necessary, and honestly I'd say use the same exact words, whatever words you choose, every time. The less you engage them, the sooner they'll get the picture. If they see that you'll discuss it, they'll think they have the possibility of changing your mind.

[Mawood]

I love mamazee's response and will translate it into German as we will be staying with my family for three weeks in Germany this summer and they have so many opinions. The Germans don't really do co sleeping and start solids very early so they will keep questioning our choices. I really believe using the exact words every time is the most effective.

[Knitting Mama]

"I appreciate your concern, but we do things a little differently." Repeated ad nauseum.

I have been dealing with this with my in-laws, and I try so hard not to lose my temper. I just remind myself that they mean well and that I don't have to take their advice.

[zinemama]

Don't explain anything. Just deflect, deflect, deflect. "This works for us." Repeat, repeat, repeat.

[AFWife]

Originally Posted by zinemama

Don't explain anything. Just deflect, deflect, deflect. "This works for us." Repeat, repeat, repeat.

Exactly. Trying to explain makes it seem like it's up for discussion...which it's not. Be firm and, if necessary, let her know that you aren't comfortable letting someone around that will undermine you're parenting. (Basically, that's what it is and if she makes a comment in front of your child in 3-4 years it affect how effective YOU are...I've seen it happen)

[texmati]

I've lost it on my mom so many times! Most famous (that got around the entire family)-- "why don't you write it down and put it in a suggestion box! I'll look at it later".

I feel it's bad form to harp on a new mom while their baby is screaming at them. Is that constructive? really?

It's also the age... My son is the same way and he doesn't *look* like a baby any longer. He looks like a teen kiddo. For making her understand how young he is, maybe tell your mom about child development? I have had good luck with-- hey-- he still thinks dirt is food-- do you really expect him to stop pulling your hair?

[Peace+Hope]

oh man, my parents are coming to stay with us for three weeks, and i'm dreading this!

sounds like you HAVE explained, but she doesn't want to hear it. this is a respect issue.

if it happens to me, i'll be having a separate, sit down chat about respect.

[Amanda L]

My son is my mother's only grandchild. At first she thought I needed LOTS of advice. When she would get started I would just say in a big exagerated voice that "Isn't it great that you can just sit back and enjoy the kid without having to make any parenting decisions! Grandparents have it made! No diapers to change, no fussing to take care of, no sleepless nights . . . " She got the point.