No, you're not the only one struggling with this. I think all of us do from time-to-time. You may not be able to get down on the floor and "play" with your kids, but you could consciously be thinking of ways that you can make "deposits into their emotional bank-account".
I just started reading this really great book, and it has helped ME tremendously! It's called "Honey, I Wrecked the Kids". She talks about the 4 C's that are the basic needs of all of us: Connected (belonging), Capable (able to manage), Count (worthwhile), and Couragous (make mistakes and handle outcome). If any of these 4 C's are deficient, for whatever reason, then the children are more likely to resort to extreme behaviours to fill them up.
The fact that your daughter is sneaking around doing things that she knows not to (mine is 4, and is doing EXACTLY the same thing, probably for the exact same reason!) is that she doesn't feel connected to you, and she's found a way to get a reaction from you and to get you to "connect" with her. Granted, it's not a positive connection, but she's found a method that works consistantly. Good for her! She's fulfilling her crucial C's the one way that she knows works 100% of the time.
So how do we change her behaviour into making positive connections? First - we give lots of opportunities for her to fill up on her crucial C's in other ways. And Second - we stop giving a pay-out for the C's that we don't want.
I'll give you an example, so you can see what I'm talking about.
My DD has taking a permanent marker (which she knows she's not allowed to have), and starts colouring on her leg. If you were a child who was deficient in your "Connected" C, which response from mom would make you MORE likely to play with the marker again:
1) Mom gets upset, starts yammering on with a mini-lecture "oh look at you, you're completely covered. How many times do I have to tell you not to play with markers? Time-out". (and then child proceeds to fight with you over sitting for the time-out and won't sit, or won't stay in their room, or whatever... you get the idea!)
2) Mom removes the permanent marker and puts it away without saying any words about it, but instead says "I'm going to go pull weeds from the garden. Do you want to come with me and (help, look for bugs, water the flowers, etc.)?"
In both responses above, DD is given the opportunity to connect with mom. The first being an obviously negative (and frustrating) connection for mom (but probably a hilarious one for DD). The second example gives DD the opportunity to connect with mom but doing something positive. Which response do you think would help DD to stop playing with permanent markers?
I'm sorry if the above post sounded like a lecture -- I really don't intend it to be such, but I'm just so excited with my new skills that I've been reading about (and trying) and I am AMAZED at the difference that I see in my kids in such a short period of time. I really am just trying to share my wonderful new-found knowledge with the rest of the moms out there who may be struggling with similar issues. I hope I've accomplished my goal
Good luck, Mama. And sorry about the mom who made you feel bad for not "playing"... (it might have been me... but I've lerned new skills since I read "Playful parenting"
)
), and he recently bought a tandem bike so he and DS can ride together.
