How could I have been so hard hearted

[poppan]

I think this is more a confession than anything, but I'd love to get some feedback on what I should have done instead too.

It's bedtime; 3 y.o. DD says her bum itches and we have to take off her diaper and put cream on. I take off the diaper and put cream on. She then refuses to put the diaper back on. I spend 15 or 20 minutes explaining that she can't sleep with no diaper because the bed would get wet. This goes nowhere. I try my usual "let me know when you're ready to put it on and I'll help you" which produces an immediate "I want to", but when I go to put it on she kicks my hands away. We then repeat this many times over the next half hour and I am increasingly angry as well as tired and desperate. I start doing things I am ashamed of afterwards--like letting the impatience leak through and withdrawing from her (like punishing/withdrawing love) and even leaving the room which makes her cry. I'm sitting out in the hall trying to get my act together, her crying is breaking my heart but when I go back in she still refuses to put on the diaper.

Finally on the last time I am gone for long enough that I broke her will and when I return to our room she lets me put on the diaper. I am horribly ashamed of myself. I am shaken. This happened last night and I am still shaken. I can't believe I did that. I feel I have damaged her psychologically. As I cuddled up next to her and told her sorry and that I loved her and that I just didn't want the bed to get wet--I felt like an abuser cuddling up and apologizing to her victim. I won't do this again (I don't think, but how can I know so?) next time I cannot harden my heart like that and be so stubborn. I should have let it go.

[madskye]

Everyone has limits, and it sounds like you spent 30-60 minutes trying to sweetly cajole your child into doing something with no success. And then you lost your temper, and I know it feels terrible, but I think it's normal.

MY DD is five, and at this point I know my limits--some nights things have to get done and in my mind, it might be gentler to push the issue through swiftly, with a few tears, than to push myself to the point where I lose my temper and we are both crying and more than that--feel awful about my actions and her reaction. 3 years old is such a tough time--they're not quite a baby anymore but they're still not a kid and it's just so hard!

I will be interested in hearing others perspectives--I definitely have times that I have to withdraw or walkaway, and consider it vastly preferable to losing my temper. But I'm sure there are alternatives, too.

[mom2grrls]

Perhaps next time you could just let her fall asleep w/out the diaper and put it on after she's been sleeping for a bit. That's what I do w/ my 6 y/o who hates wearing a pull up for bed.

[womenswisdom]

While I certainly understand the guilt, I think that parents have a right to be frustrated or annoyed with their children's behavior and that it's not necessarily wrong to show that you are feeling that way. You are a human being and your feelings are just as valid as your daughter's, though as adults we are certainly expected to be able to control out actions better than our children (ex. not hitting, yelling). Isn't it possible that when you showed you were frustrated, she was able to understand that and cooperated, rather than you "breaking her"? You showing her your true emotions can be helpful to her learning how to relate to others and how her actions affect other people. I just don't think we always need to suppress or hide our negative emotions in response to our children's behavior. I don't think that walking away for a few minutes when frustrated, after trying compassionately to obtain cooperation is abusive, I think it's human and okay.

[D_McG]

Originally Posted by womenswisdom

While I certainly understand the guilt, I think that parents have a right to be frustrated or annoyed with their children's behavior and that it's not necessarily wrong to show that you are feeling that way. You are a human being and your feelings are just as valid as your daughter's, though as adults we are certainly expected to be able to control out actions better than our children (ex. not hitting, yelling). Isn't it possible that when you showed you were frustrated, she was able to understand that and cooperated, rather than you "breaking her"? You showing her your true emotions can be helpful to her learning how to relate to others and how her actions affect other people. I just don't think we always need to suppress or hide our negative emotions in response to our children's behavior. I don't think that walking away for a few minutes when frustrated, after trying compassionately to obtain cooperation is abusive, I think it's human and okay.

ITA!

Is there something else going on that is upsetting you so much? I think your reaction is a little 'off'. Like something else is bothering you?

[mamazee]

There are two parts of this, so for the first part - the practical issue part - I'll throw out a suggestion from when my oldest was in that situation, and we had a washable bedding pad (like at the hospital) I could put under her when she refused to wear a diaper. She didn't like that much when it got wet, so she generally chose the diaper, but anyway it's an alternative.

For the second part - the emotional part - I would go easy on yourself. It sounds like it was frustrating, and people are going to get frustrated, and moms are people. You can't harm your child with one ban interaction, and she'll probably forget about this within a couple of weeks. It sounds like you've learned from it, and that's the most important thing. Forgive yourself for your mistakes and learn from them, and your children will grow up learning to forgive themselves for their mistakes and to learn from them. That lesson will be much more valuable for your children than this isolated incident will be harmful.

[poppan]

Thank you mamas for all the kind words and I love the practical suggestions too. That bed pad sounds like a great idea.

Originally Posted by D_McG

Is there something else going on that is upsetting you so much? I think your reaction is a little 'off'. Like something else is bothering you?

Mama you are very perceptive. Something else happened that night which is an even longer story. Basically both my kids want to sleep with me but I can only take a few nights of that because they squish up against me and I don't sleep well. After 2-3 nights I need a night with only one child. That night neither one would be persuaded to go sleep with DH instead. I talked to DS about how I knew he felt it was unfair because DD never ever sleeps with daddy, so mommy is going to change that and we're going to start taking turns, one night with mommy and one night with daddy and his sister will take turns too. And I asked him to take the first turn with DH and the next night we would switch and he would sleep with me. I got him up to DH's bed and he was crying and DH said right in front of him "Aw poor [DS] you always get the short end of the stick." And it just made me furious because here I was trying to institute a new system that would make it more fair to DS but I think mostly I was furious because deep down I knew it was true, DS does frequently get the short end of the stick. He was a mellow baby and is a mellow 3 y.o. whereas DD is high needs, "spirited" etc. I do my best but I think I am terrified that he will find out he gets the short end of the stick and I was so angry that DH said it in front of him.

So I guess by the time I left DS crying in DH's room I was already feeling like the world's most horrible and unfair mother and then the whole diaper thing with DD played out. And even though I had used many of the same techniques before (asking her to tell me when she's ready, leaving the room for short periods) and felt fine about it, this time felt different, it felt like I broke her will or at least bent her to mine. I am not sure why it feels like that more so than other occasions, but it just felt vastly different than before.

[D_McG]

You're very hard on yourself. I don't 'know' you from here so I'm not sure if this is typical or not but what about your needs? Not sleeping well with 2 kids is a great reason to move them to their own space. Every night! Alternating sounds like a quick way for nobody to sleep well. Kids (and adults!) need consistency.

Put yourself first. By watching how you treat yourself, you your children will learn how to treat you and how to respect themselves as they grow up.

Are you exhausted? That can be very depressing.

Take care of yourself!

[spmamma]

My 3 YO DD is spirited too, so I know how you feel in these kinds of situations. In times like this, I think it's best to give a choice of two options to give her control over the situation.

If you were to use a PP's suggestion, I would probably say, "DD, you can choose to wear a diaper or you can choose to sleep on a pad. What would you like to do? If you can't make a choice, then mama will choose for you."

Do you use pull-ups or diapers? If you don't use pull-ups, I'd consider having her pick some out. Then at night, you can give her the choice of putting it on herself or choosing to have mama put it on for her.

Either way, follow through quickly to avoid drawing it out (I know my DD is extremely persistent so these kinds of "conversations" can go around and around forever and ever."

You can also consider asking her what she thinks would be a good solution, then come up with a compromise. I know even my DD, who just turned 3, is sometimes able to offer up a workable suggestion.