I will balance this out by posting all the good stuff that's happened later this week. But for today, I don't have time to exercise. I just weaned my 26 month old who still asks for "milkies" and felt so awful that perhaps I made the wrong choice weaning her 2 weeks ago...that I tried to let her nurse last night and she pretty much forgot how (if there's even any milk there) and it hurt. We can barely keep on top of basic household chores so the idea of weeding the front so it doesn't look like a jungle outside or finishing taking down the wallpaper in our cluttered room that is the most public in our house or doing other basic things like clean the windows...seems impossible. We live week to week. I have a masters, hubby is director of a massage school and does massage AND teaches massage. Yet we can save nothing. Maybe have 4000 in IRA from when my dad passed away. Cannot put anything else into it. I yelled at DD last night because she's become fussy and whiney and demanding and I know a big part of it is the heat and the change in routine from a holiday weekend..but that knowledge didn't stop me from being an mean mom. Neither Dh or I know a thing about how to maintain an old house but buy one we did. Pre-civil war old. Water pump is sounding funny. Don't know what to do. Talked about saving for a new oil fuel tank and fuel oil for the winter but haven't been able to save squat.
I'm hot, I'm irritable and feeling despair, which I'm prone to having a history of depression after losing both my parents before having my baby. I'm just tired of not knowing where the money will come from if..the car breaks down or if the fuel pump goes. DD has great insurance but we cancelled ours to save 200 a month. It was high deductible HSA and useless. I have a child now and need to grow up about money. We need to learn how to care for our house. But what do we do?
Go swimming, go to playgrounds, play outside, hang out with friends and their kids, see family, go on as many adventures as we can. The bills do get paid. The house is clean (though you wouldn't think it looking in our drawers, closets, fridge--which I swear I just cleaned). She is and will be our only child and this time is precious. But I feel like by not growing up and being more responsible about saving money and fixing what needs fixing in the house...we're jeopardizing our future. So, I sink in these depressions and when DD is noticeable more fussy I blame my selfish longing to wean. Today I hate myself and I just want to sleep..which makes me feel worse...'cause I'm at work and need to um...work or I could sit here and do arm dips to get my triceps less wobbly.
Ugh..double and triple ugh. Just had to get out all this absurd little crap that is really nothing compared to what others go through. This is not suffering. It is my perspective for the moment. And I know it will pass. But, still...ugh.
I'm hot, I'm irritable and feeling despair, which I'm prone to having a history of depression after losing both my parents before having my baby. I'm just tired of not knowing where the money will come from if..the car breaks down or if the fuel pump goes. DD has great insurance but we cancelled ours to save 200 a month. It was high deductible HSA and useless. I have a child now and need to grow up about money. We need to learn how to care for our house. But what do we do?
Go swimming, go to playgrounds, play outside, hang out with friends and their kids, see family, go on as many adventures as we can. The bills do get paid. The house is clean (though you wouldn't think it looking in our drawers, closets, fridge--which I swear I just cleaned). She is and will be our only child and this time is precious. But I feel like by not growing up and being more responsible about saving money and fixing what needs fixing in the house...we're jeopardizing our future. So, I sink in these depressions and when DD is noticeable more fussy I blame my selfish longing to wean. Today I hate myself and I just want to sleep..which makes me feel worse...'cause I'm at work and need to um...work or I could sit here and do arm dips to get my triceps less wobbly.
Ugh..double and triple ugh. Just had to get out all this absurd little crap that is really nothing compared to what others go through. This is not suffering. It is my perspective for the moment. And I know it will pass. But, still...ugh.
