Explosive Spouse...negative influence...what can I do?

[lilmissmommy]

My husband does not know how to control his anger. He raises his voice alllll the time and yells frequently too. I tell him to lower his voice that I can hear him and there's no reason to be so loud. I also tell him to respect me.
My baby is 7 months and hears all of this. I don't want him to learn to copy his father's behaviour. I want my son to live in a loving and peaceful home. I definitely do not want my son to treat me or anyone else the way his father treats me and his family. What should I do if my husband doesn't want to seek help? Divorce and separation are almost never far from my mind. I feel so sad, lonely, let down and unsatisfied about my marriage. Having parents separted since I was 4, I don't want to put my child through having a split up family though.

[Sharlla]

I think you know what the right thing to do is. Leaving is toughm believe me I just got divorced last summer but the kids and I are a million times happier and I can respect myself for doing some really hard for them and myself.

[lilmissmommy]

I don't know if I would have the guts to do it. Once you make a decision like that, there's no going back. I cry all the time...not in front of my son though. It's really hard not feeling like I can talk to anyone about my marital problems. He used to be my best friend for years before we started dating. Then we got married and it all pretty much went downhill. There are good times though;

[lilmissmommy]

What did you both tell your kids? Does he see them often and treat you with respect on visits? I worry about how my husband would react if we did end up separating because he doesn't think about what he says and it would tear me apart if my son ever hears or sees him treating me in a not-good-way.

[Katrinaquerida]

Maybe you could try marriage counciling? Sort of a last ditch effort then you have tried everything?

[kcparker]

What should you do? You can try sitting down with him and saying something along the lines of, "There is a lot of yelling and lack of respect in the house right now, and it makes me feel scared, disappointed, and sad. I want us to have a good, functional marriage, but I don't think it is working well as it is. I would like to work on reducing the level of anger and tension in the house. Would you be willing to work on this with me by seeing a therapist, alone or as a couple?" I would also be tempted to record him when he is yelling and play it back - he would probably be shocked and ashamed to hear himself when he is out of the angry moment.

Would your husband be willing to try seeing a therapist, alone or with you? Would he be willing to accept pastoral counseling if there's a priest he knows and respects? Would he be willing to try something like hypnosis for anger management, which he could even do on his own? Does HE perceive the anger as a problem for himself or his family? Are there stressors in his life that are precipitating the anger (work, unemployment, family of origin problems, drinking, etc.) that he can address? People who are angry are usually in pain underneath the anger. Deal with that and the anger diminishes.

If he is unwilling to work on modifying his behavior, then this might be a deal-breaker because it sounds like you are dealing with verbal and maybe psychological abuse, and you are right that your son should not be subject to it. If your husband is yelling at you, will he respond more kindly to a 2 year old who likes to make noise and messes and has no impulse control or powers of reasoning?

Good luck. I hope he will have the courage to tackle his anger problem. But unfortunately, HE is the only one who can do anything about this. You can only control you.

[mattemma04]

Divorce would be a good option IF contact can be nothing or limited.Maybe he will be the type who will go on his merry way.If he is the controlling type then it may get worse,but hopefully the drama would die down for a while.I doubt he would go for counseling,but you can mention it,or atleast go yourself.

Maybe the stress of being the provider now for a family is to much for him.Again,he needs to talk to someone about gaining the skills to deal better with frustration,and appropriate communication.I would NOT want to be with a man who yelled at me.If I am in a bad mood I tell dh,and GO AWAY so I don't snap at anyone.A workout or cutting the lawn helps get the nasties to go away.I want the home to be a haven from all the madness we face each day out in the world.

When my mum divorced my dad after years of abuse he not only broke into the home he also hired someone to kill her.Major drama.We all survived and eventually dad moved to the other side of the country.We only got a few threatening letters over the years.

My point I guess in mentioning that is that my mom did stay for atleast 10 years.Even though she was the main target the fear in the home for us kids was huge.It was a terrible way to live.It was tough after the divorce,but eventually things got better.I did not miss my dad.Your child WILL learn the ways of their father.I see it in my kids friends who grew up in a home where conflict was the way to talk to one another.Their way of talking now is to argue.Yet to be seen how they will treat women,but the mom is treated like crap.It is sad to see.

Wishing you all better days!

[dahlialia]

Pre-kids, my DH used to yell in anger. Not as often as your DH it seems, but when he did, it often progressed to things like punching holes in walls. He felt this was ok. I asked and asked for him to stop, but he wouldn't.

It finally came down to me saying (in a letter): regardless of whether this is theoretically ok, right or wrong, it doesn't work for me. It is not how I want to live and I won't live this way anymore.

I suggested that he talk it over with a friend, and it was at that point when he considered what his friend's response would be, that he realized how unfair he was being to me.

A few thoughts: I seem to recall the book "Couple Skills" being useful when we were trying to find alternate ways to communicate without arguing/yelling. It might be a good read.

Also, what are you doing when the yelling happens? You tell him to lower his voice, and to respect you, but can you take control of the situation to end it? Tell him you are taking a time out. That you will be glad to listen when he's calmed down. Then take your DS for a walk or drive, or go play in the nursery or something.

Something else I have thought of. That I know was a BIG sticking point with DH and I. He hated to be told he was doing something wrong. So I had to put a big emphasis on "not what I want, not working for me, makes me sad/scared". Rather than "you are wrong to do this".

If you have a conversation with DH when he isn't upset, tell him that the yelling is bothering you, that from now on you'll be calling a time out when it starts, how do you think he will respond?

[dziwozony]

Just wanted to share my experience. My Ex used to yell at me a lot. Always in front of the kids. Never at the kids, always at me. I moved out & have shared custody (I have them most of the time, but he sees them very regularly). I was really scared about this at first, but the kids absolutely want to spend extended periods of time with him & I have seen no sign of him losing his temper. It was our relationship that was stressing him out, my presence in his life. Now that I've left, he seem to be much happier.

Sometimes two adults just can't get along & even though at the time it felt like he was always losign his temper at me & I wasn't doing anything wrong...in retrospect I can see the ways I contributed to the stress. I'm not saying that to put any blame onto you!!! I have no idea what your situation is, I'm just saying sometimes a relationship between partners can fail, but a parent-child relationship can still be sucessful.

You say, "I don't want to put my child through having a split up family" but I can assure you that your 7mo already knows what's going on...is already growing up in an environment that feels unpredictable & possibly unsafe. Having a safe, stable, happy, healthy environment means SO much more than simply all living together.

[lilmissmommy]

Originally Posted by dziwozony

You say, "I don't want to put my child through having a split up family" but I can assure you that your 7mo already knows what's going on...is already growing up in an environment that feels unpredictable & possibly unsafe. Having a safe, stable, happy, healthy environment means SO much more than simply all living together.

Very true. I think that I'm going to try to make it work out and see if we can get counseling to improve his behavior and also work on myself.

[Jill359]

I just read an article on this yesterday at parentawareness.org. I would post it here but I don't want to get into trouble. They had some good advice.

[lilmissmommy]

Thanks, I'm going to check it out!

[lilmissmommy]

I read the article. Thanks!